Rosie

[Rosie]

A picture came up on my wall, but he’s blocked. A friend had like her friends picture and he was in it… I felt the blood drain.
Think it’s because it was so unexpected and from and unexpected source.
I’d love to sit outside but don’t feel safe to do so. I jump at the slightest noise and constantly check my doors and windows to make sure they’re locked.
He’s the one with the anger and alcohol issues and it’s all still there bubbling underneath and I’m the one suffering.
I just want to go back to how I was before I met him, I was happy.
I don’t even think him being sorry would help me, I don’t feel like my life is my own at the moment

[Rosie]

I have tried to call, I will keep trying. 🙂
I feel so betrayed by him, and the system. The police are so apologetic.
I miss him… Even knowing all he’s done, he was so engrained in my life. I never want him back though as I know he won’t let me escape again.
I’m angry as I didn’t see how dangerous he was and could be to me my children and pets.
I am fighting to stop all the emotions overwhelming me.
Managed to sleep for a bit, I have to sleep sitting up due to my ribs, woke up from a nightmare choking.
When do I start feeling better.
Going to try and go back to work next week, but I’m dreading it. And I love my job… 🙁

[Rosie]

I miss the person I thought he was. The person who made a brew each morning for me. Who looked after me, seems for his own benefit though.
The stuff I’ve found out. I’m so glad he’s out my life.
I know eventually he will kill me, so I will not have him back in my life.
I wish he wasn’t the evil monster I saw.
Just wish he could hug me right now and tell me he’s sorry. But then I’m glad he’s gone and so confused.

[Rosie]

I hate this time of night.
It’s too quiet, I should be curled up in bed with him!!
I can’t sleep, I hate it. It terrifies me because of flashbacks. I miss him, his presence used to help me sleep as I’ve not slept properly in years!!
And now…… It’s worse then ever and I need him to help me sleep.
I actually want the man who tried to kill me.
Why?????
The police told me he seemed genuinely remorseful, and visibly upset who he saw the photos. He didn’t have a bad word to say about me and spoke fondly of our relationship and said he’s ruined everything and is left with nothing. He was angry with himself over what he’s done. It makes me wonder what really did happen
As much as I don’t want to remember what happened I need to, I need to keep my focus. I don’t want to feel like this, I know there’s no magic wand.
Part of me wants to text him and ask him why he did it. I know I’ll never get the answers I want and need….
I actually feel I’m losing it

[Rosie]

Witness care called me today and said that apparently he was allowed to sort his stuff and to attend my house with the police to collect!! So he was allowed that indirect contact!!
Are courts actually for real. All his stuff is gone, and it was fair better this way than him coming round.
No extras were given, the nerve of him.
I am trying my hardest, truly.
I’ve read living with the dominator and I’ve seen some things he did that made me unhappy but didn’t see them for what they were.
I have wonderful friends and support and I will get there.

[Rosie]

I’m a mess. I have so much to come to terms with and I don’t know where to start

[Rosie]

Well I got talked round and things were brilliant.
Until Friday, he shoved me.. I didn’t like it and told him no. He did it again and I told him to go.
He launched an attacked on me I could never have envisioned. He punched me, strangled me and tried to break my neck. Told me bread going to kill me!!
How had I wish I’d listened!!
He’s out my life now, not allowed near me and bailed awaiting sentencing!!
I ignored my instinct and nearly paid for it with my life!

[Rosie]

MARAC was yesterday. No non mol yet as his bail conditions ban him from contact and the town where I live.
I have friends coming and going, a friend has offered her house whilst she is on holiday. Means ill have to pull the kids from school and sort my cats out.
Today seems worse so far… I broke down of sorting lunches as he would do all of ours everyday… For a moment I forgot he was gone… And it breaks my heart!!
All his stuff is gone and it’s like he never existed!! And that breaks my heart!!!
I hate feeling like this, I hate the panic attacks, the flashbacks… He’s got away with it and I’m trapped in hell!!
He send a list of stuff he needed to a mutual friend. He wanted money, food and beer. He wanted me to store his things he did t need. Gobsmacked!!!

[Rosie]

I spent hours talking to a dv counsellor today.
I actually feel much better as its help me realise a few things. Namely it wasn’t my fault, which sounds simple to say but hard to believe.
I think I remember when he punched me now… I’m not 100% as it was only fleeting when I was talking to me friend. I can’t explain it but I do think I remember!!
I know he would have killed me, and that’s the hardest thing to cope with knowing what he was capable of.
I’m being MARAC’d tomorrow so hopefully I’ll feel safer once they do the stuff that’s been suggested.
Also getting a non mol.
Preparing to be a prisoner in my home to keep me and my children safe. I just hope they don’t bail him.
There won’t be any contact as I know if he gets a second chance with me he’ll finish the job.
Going to the GP tomorrow and hopefully they can help me too.

[Rosie]

I have a great support network.
Been to a and e, X-rated my cheekbone and jaw and all okay. So just soft tissue damage to my face, neck and arms. My ribs they’re not too sure on but told be to rest.
Already had people in touch about a non mol, MARAC being done in the week… Not too sure how that’s going to impact on the children as well.
I keep crying, I didn’t think I would see my children again…

[Rosie]

He’s in custody and they’re hoping he won’t be bailed.
Luckily my children weren’t there, I don’t think it would have happened it they were.
I will get through this… I have to.
I thought I was going to die!!! There’s where I need to come back from

[Rosie]

I’ve not slept trying to think of what to do for the best and how to do it.
He’s still friends with his ex gf so I’m questioning is it me. Is it something I’ve done or not done.
He’s been so stressed with everything did I push his buttons!!! Am I tarring him with the same brush as my ex?!?
Do I give him a chance??
My head is a mess.
Been there through court and had to get a non-molestation order.
I haven’t got that kind of money anymore

[Rosie]

I feel so stupid for not seeing the warning signs.
He’s close with one of my close friends, they’ve been friends for years, and she knows what I’ve been through. She never brought anything like this up if anything the opposite!! Which is why I started seeing him as he had ‘references’
It’s only my name on the house and he’s only been here a month, so should make it easier. I’m just so angry with myself right now, let it ages, thought I’d done it all right and then this last night. I swore I wouldn’t live with someone again, and now it seems I’ve picked the worse one!

[Rosie]

I doubt.. Sorry… My head is completely mashed!!!

[Rosie]

I’m in way above my head and survived all that u doubt I can do it again

[Author]

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