skyfish

[skyfish]

I get so annoyed when he occupies my thoughts!! Id come so far and recent event and dramas over christmas really set me back. No regrets and I don’t miss him but do in a way miss my old life as it was kind of easier when i put up with the abuse….maybe thats what you miss really, the familiar?

[skyfish]

This journey brings so many revelations! – i am shocked reading my post as the insight i now have as to why she is reacting the way she is is so obvious

we try to protect out children over the years and in my case due to his poor mental health and inconstant behaviour i truly believed i was doing the best for all of us to keep us together – after all i would’nt have had my beautiful child without him would i?

Following another recent incident where my boundries were not respected by my ex so i had to take action to proect myself the reaction i got when i had to explain it to my adult daughter (before someone else did!) astounded me! So now i am the villain because the poor man is all alone and has lost everything??

With reflection its because all parties in the family cant deal with us taking a stand and being strong – when we leave and no longer take responsibility for these abusive men the backlash and anger is because they don’t know who we are anymore and they have to take responsibilty instead! (not my daughter exactly but his relatives)

Just another life lesson i guess but of course for our children, regardless of what they’ve seen and know to be the truth, they love their parent and our refusal to deal with the crap anymore can feel i think a form of rejection to them too

Leaving an abusive long term partner just causes so much stress its often easier not too! That’s what kept me where i was for way too long…to anyone reading this keep strong and know you are doing the right thing for you and your children

[skyfish]

Both your messages are much appreciated and you have given me strength x I have kept a respectful distance but remained present which I will continue to do. But as Kip says I do acknowledge that I need to protect myself – its a fine line and not easy but I will never turn my back on her…being a Mum is the hardest of jobs isnt it?! I just hope we can both reach a point of understanding and peace in the not too distant future as every step forward seems to involve a step or 2 back which is frankly exhausting me! But yes thank you and love to you both x

[skyfish]

Stay strong and resolute – as silverbirch says it is like a wave, anxiety comes and goes with events but if you believe in your truth and remain firm he will see he has no power anymore and will stop trying to manipulate you
You’ve got this! Love & light xxx

[skyfish]

You sound so brave and determined – you can do this!! for yourself and your children xxx
Light and love x

[skyfish]

Huge thank you to all x I will keep checking in here and hopefully can support other’s like you all have helped me. We are stronger than we ever imagine and the future can be so much better than our past, if we are just brave enough to trust in ourselves
Love and light x

[skyfish]

I agree – its cheesy but true, you need to love and understand yourself or you will be in danger of picking another bad relationship and just repeating the pattern x

[skyfish]

my husband was continuously ill throughout our marriage in a variety of weird but real stress induced ways that required repeated hospital admissions – because of this I had excuses in my head to explain away the nastyness when in fact he really is just a nasty unstable human being!! who cares only for himself and not me and our child x seeing this clearly when our instincts as women is to care and support is the hardest and they know that

[skyfish]

Been a while since I came here as I’ve found the past few weeks empowering and support from members at the time of the initial crisis so supportive I was doing ok…learning yoga, eating better, reading Beverly Engel’s amazing book Beyond Abuse that I would really recommend to others who need to understand both their behaviour and the impact of abuse

(Detail removed by moderator) and my dear friend passing away from cancer (detail removed by moderator) found myself coming back to read about other’s strength and struggles x I need to dig deep to get through this next stage and get his stuff out somehow but have a feeling this will be the hardest bit!

Love to all the woman going through the same x we all deserve better and need to be determined and strong to create a healthier life for ourselves and the people that love us

[skyfish]

thank you – sorry for delay in reply and i appreciate your kind words

[skyfish]

i can only say for me leaving was the best and bravest thing i have done – you will find if you do as I have that once you step away the realisation of what you were living with will give you the strength you need to start a new life x in a matter of days after mine assaulted me (yet again) and i finally had the courage to dial 999 all those conflicting emotions fell away and i am thinking clearer than i have in decades.. yes its scary but going round and round with no resolution or peace of mind is so much worse

[skyfish]

Thank you so much for your responses – I know the key to change and growth is to concentrate on me and to acknowledge that the abuser is to blame where my daughter is concerned but its so difficult to shake the guilt! Luckily yes our recent conversations have seemed to really help her mental health but its going to take both of us a long time to heal from the past

[skyfish]

My therapist is balanced, wise and always emphasises where the blames really lies so yes i am getting good support. I am taking your kind advice to heart and it has really helped. Again thanks TS – your advice is much appreciated

[skyfish]

TS I really appreciate your considered and measured reply.

After intensive therapy and research on my part. plus very heavy conversations between us I now understood concepts such as emotional enmeshment and parentification which was very much a thing in our case.

I acknowledge what you say 100% and it is good to hear it. I was not the violent abusive parent no. I was the solid loving and consistent one but, I have had to accept my part in the damage and what it did to her as it is relevant. To be honest, without such an understanding and the resulting conversations she would of had nothing to do with me a while before she took this decision. She has undergone intensive therapy which as far as I know is ongoing and considers herself something of an expert to be honest.

But with regard to now enforcing boundries, no – in fact, she triggers much of the same reactions in me now that he did? Does that make sense? She is after all the only person since I took control of my life that I have allowed to shout at and abuse me. She was also constantly taking money from me I couldnt afford and I willingly gave it because I was grateful she was turning to me for support. Looking back this was a huge mistake.

When I feel positive I do think she is at last standing on her own two feet, this is what she needed to do. Its temporary and she will come back to me stronger and happier.

But yes if given the opportunity I need to change dynamics and say no – be a parent properly because I did’nt really understand how to do and may still fail at that one to be honest! Unless I am given the chance I will never know.

On bad days this silence feels like another form of abuse. Now even the thought of sending a text makes me feel anxious as I am just ignored so I have’nt since April. The last message was short and loving and just asked how she was and how I loved and missed her etc., be good to speak? Just tentative and measured.

I have considered family therapy recently yes which my lovely dad has agreed to but equally I have come to realise I cant arrange this myself, she will feel threatened I think. I will have to ask her to find someone she trusts to give her the power – but right now I don’t have the courage to even put this forward as a suggestion.

I do feel I have left the guilt and blame behind now but have to acknowledge I was not strong enough to leave him and this did do untold damage to her mental health. But we have to live in the present and not keep looking back dont we? Other wise you are just stuck.

I now feel just a nagging emptyness – in the darkest times, that I am not a mother anymore, she doesnt love me, he never loved me etc. Its a damaging spiral I take to therapy and will continue to shoulder I guess but thank you, your words have really helped me. I need to take stock keep prospective be brave, its just lacking right now!
I guess this is going to be a long journey

Love & Light

[skyfish]

true statement indeed!

I think also with just the one they feel everything so much more acutely, there is no one else to give their prospective

i will continue to recover and hold my truth without the need for validation from anyone else, because you can be sure that will be lacking from alot of those around you

[skyfish]

thank you Darcy x

[skyfish]

you need to reach a point where you understand like i did that you are not responsible for his happiness anymore – no amount of counselling therapy or prescribed antidepressants all instiged by me had any affect in the end

i heard a great quote on a radio show at 3am I want to share, weirdly my first night alone when i randomly tuned into radio5 as i couldnt sleep – they said they wanted anyone experiencing abuse to remember the 3 C’s:-

You didnt – Cause it
You can’t – Cure it
And you cant – Change it
It was like a message from above

[skyfish]

thank you watersprite x your words are so appreciated and yes in time both of us will be so much stronger for my actions i am sure. Not feeling too brave this morning as stuff to face which i knew was coming but yes!! I am aware you need to avoid being too specific so wont say anymore, needless to say this morning i am grateful for the support x

[skyfish]

i sense she is yes – she seems much more positive which gives me hope she can recover and not be haunted by past but she is an intense person and will rage at me again at some point im sure! thats ok though i can take it. Any communication is better than the distance ive felt between us these past few years

[skyfish]

thank you x

[skyfish]

I’ve been thinking about your comments about how you cant heal unless you feel’ Is it common not to feel anything really after so many years of burying conflicting emotions? I am guessing it must be

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