starqueen

[starqueen]

Well done for cutting contact, it is an incredibly brave thing to do and it’s you starting to put your needs first, which is only right and exactly what you deserve to do. I cut contact with my abusive father a few years ago and yes it is hard, but honestly if abusive people wanted us to be in their lives, they should have treated us better. Especially where parents are concerned I believe that if they’re not going to step us and give us the love and nurturing that everyone deserves as a default and a baseline, and instead they’re going to abuse us and force us to put our needs last, then they only have themselves to blame when we get tired of it and cut them out of our lives. I wish you every success on your healing journey. <3

[starqueen]

My father was also my perpetrator and while the abusive behaviour was different, I can relate to what you’ve said. When I was a teenager I used to wish he would leave, or my parents would get divorced. He could be like two different people as well, honestly when he was nice when I was an adult it would make my skin crawl. I really just wanted him to get away from me, or to get away from him myself but because we were “family” it never felt possible until a few years ago. Sometimes I used to feel like I was being difficult if he upset me and like we had to “be friends”.

Contact your local Women’s Aid and get help. You don’t deserve to go through this, you deserve to be safe and in an environment where you’re loved.

[starqueen]

Hi Lisa and Hetty, thank you for your replies. The abusive person in my life was a family member rather than a partner, and I think there was mental illness and abuse. I think even if he hadn’t been mentally ill, he would still have been abusive.

[starqueen]

Hi everyone, thank you for those replies! I’ll reply more fully a bit later when I’ve got more time but just wanted to reassure everyone that I’m away from the person now. They actually are no longer here and I’d cut off contact with them so I’m safe. I just sometimes feel the lingering effects of it so I think it’s helpful to reach out. <3

[starqueen]

Just adding here that yes it is abuse. It doesn’t have to be physical for it to be abuse by any means. I’m a survivor of abuse by a family member and he never was physical with me but it was still abuse. I can also recommend Why Does He Do That? reading that book was a total revelation for me.

[starqueen]

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you thankgoodness, I really do hope that he changes his ways. I have some experience with this, my abuser had worsening health issues. I have to admit that in my case it didn’t get better, the abuse escalated with any kind of stress. Although I hope that this isn’t the case for you, I think it would be useful for you to consider what you might do if it doesn’t change, and how you can support yourself if that does happen. Also, you’re not in any way obligated to someone if they’re abusive towards you – the notion of family works both ways, and if he’s failing to be a decent family member to you, and to give you the support and love that we all deserve from family, you don’t have to put your wellbeing at stake. You can support and love yourself first. Wishing you the best of luck and hoping for a positive outcome for you.

[starqueen]

Alittlelost, it sounds really good that you’re working with your therapist to set boundaries, they can be so helpful in dealing with these things. Stay strong.

[starqueen]

Oh, mashedpotato I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds awful. Have you tried the helpline or your local Women’s Aid, they may be able to help you. There is no right or wrong way to handle anything like this and it’s not okay that you’re being treated like this by your family.

I get the accusation of having no empathy, my dad accused me of treating *him* badly! If you had no empathy you wouldn’t have done all the kind things you’ve obviously done to try to help your daughter. Sending you lots of love and solidarity.

[starqueen]

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your comments and I’m sorry that some of you went through the same thing, sending you lots of solidarity and good thoughts. I already see a counsellor so this is something I think I need to explore a little more. I think also to be honest his death wasn’t a loss to me, which makes it even harder to talk about. The biggest loss I felt is the loss of the father I deserved. I think one reason I struggle with this is because he would dump his problems on me and then try to force me to keep them secret and silence me. So I feel like having my own voice and my own story is really important and yet it’s so hard to tell it in a way that keeps my integrity because I don’t want to be or come across as a hateful person, but nor do I want to betray myself by keeping silent about what a bastard he could be. It’s definitely something that needs working out through counselling I think!

[starqueen]

Overwhelmed, guilt can definitely factor into these things when we choose to do something. I felt guilty about going no contact with my dad, and about not being able to help with things that transpired after. It’s important to remember though that guilt is meant to be felt when we do something wrong, but abusers can weaponise guilt to make us do what they want instead. Society can also reinforce that when it comes to family, without necessarily intending to. However, the actions of abusers are what lead us to do these things, and responsibility for the consequences of their behaviour is theirs to bear, not their victims. IMO guilt is meant to be a way for us to correct our behaviours when we do genuine harm or wrong, or we diverge from our core values, and it’s based on actions. Guilt is not a weapon to be used to shame us into believing we are bad and wrong for standing up for ourselves or seeking to protect ourselves from abuse and disrespect, but this is what abusers will try to do. I hope you can get the help you need for you and your mum.

[starqueen]

Thank you both, so sorry to hear you’re both going through some hard times with this too. Sande, I agree that it’s inappropriate and exhausting. Sometimes I struggle with knowing what is mental illness and what is abuse, especially as my dad used his own mental health issues as an excuse not to be accountable for his behaviour. I think after reading Lundy Bancroft’s book I’m starting to get clearer on where that line is though: I use the idea of control, deference, entitlement and freedom from accountability as a guide. It was difficult to deal with all the anxiety etc and it did have an impact on me, but my dad was the one who wanted everything to go the way he thought it should, sought control, tried to impose his will on people, threw tantrums when he couldn’t get what he wanted and tried to dodge accountability for his actions. I sometimes think that if my mum had had a different partner, things could have been a lot different for her and for me. I hope you both find some peace. <3

[starqueen]

It sounds like you’re in an awful situation girlvoice, sending you lots of love. If it’s safe to I’d suggest ringing the helpline for some advice, and writing down what’s happening. If it’s not safe to call you could also try using the live chat on the Women’s Aid site. You shouldn’t have to put up with this from people who are meant to love and support you.

[starqueen]

You’ve received some great advice here and I’d urge you to act on it. Document things, contact the police and Women’s Aid to help you. I wanted to add that yes you can get through this. I know it feels awful and while you’re going through it is the roughest thing imaginable. I also want to tell you that I went through emotional abuse and controlling behaviour with my dad, while my mum was ill. I won’t go into details here but it was so bad at one point that I seriously thought about ending it all, in fact I thought about it more than once and got pretty close to taking steps to act on it. The whole situation nearly broke me, and I stress the word *nearly* because it didn’t. I’m saying all this so you know that there are those of us who’ve been through family abuse and come out the other side. In fact only today I found myself smiling because I felt calm and had done for a long time. It’s a new feeling but it’s one I’m savouring. You deserve the same. You can do this. 💕

[starqueen]

Thank you both for your replies. They’ve both passed away now, and I did talk to my mum about these things, I think she did understand, I always felt the problem was more my dad because he was the one who had the more controlling and uncompromising attitude about things. I sort of felt that he reinforced it rather than supporting me to live my life and supporting my mum to manage her anxiety better. So the situation is resolved now as I don’t have to do those things anymore, it was just something that had been rattling around in my mind.

[starqueen]

No problem Overwhelmed, I hope it helped, and I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling. Abusers like to put the blame on others and suggest that their victims are the ones who are at fault. They use a kind of twisted logic where they’re entitled to call the shots and treat everyone else as awfully as they like, but as soon as anyone stands up to them they retreat into playing the victim. It’s simply not true, and I think the fact that it’s affecting you this badly is another line of evidence that what is happening is not okay. Abuse is not just about what the abuser does, it’s about the impact it has on the person they’re abusing, and this is obviously having a serious impact on you. You don’t deserve to be living like this and nor does your mum, you can do this.

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