Still-trying

[Still-trying]

I went to couples counselling twice with my ex, the first time we only had a few sessions and the counsellor suggested separate sessions. At this stage my partner refused to go and dumped me for the millionth time. After he’d assaulted me a few times he then insisted we went again.. this time because he was apparently scared to lose me but I believe now it was because he was scared I’d report him. We never ever spoke about any of the abuse in counselling because I was scared the social services would be involved as hey had when I’d previously reported him for assault. Anyway, he just ended up using the counselling we’d finished our course, to convince me that he had changed and that I was the issue all along.
I don’t think it works when you’re in an abusive relationship 😔

[Still-trying]

I meant he’s been everything but amicable not nothing but 😂

[Still-trying]

Thank you so much for your replies ladies. It has been a while since it all ended so I’ve had a lot of time to process things. I am know I was very lucky to have support when he finally discarded me. There were times that life was so much different.
I have read those books and also done the freedom program since the relationship ended. I tried to do it whilst I was in the relationship but I was so convinced at the time that it was all my fault, that I just never took anything in.
I have set up an email account today and told him he can contact me there, but only about the children. Previous msgs were disguised as being about the children but he’d always throw in digs and things that are almost impossible to explain but I just know he was trying to get a reaction out of me. Now he’s pretending to be the most amicable person in the world, which has thrown me again because for all the time we’ve been apart- he’s been nothing but amicable.. and of course he has a way of convincing me that he’s had little interest in the children because I’m impossible to talk to because I was clearly not over him.
I know it’s bold but I truly believe I am over him. It’s taken a long time, and I never thought I’d be here but I am. So it’s so annoying to be dragged back into anything with him

[Still-trying]

Hi welcome to forum. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Have you got anything set in place to keep him away from you now? I really hope things are cleared up for you soon xx

[Still-trying]

Definitely a red flag. My ex was always telling me that I’m over sensitive and that things were just a joke, over time I believed him… over time he became violent.. but it’s important to note that it doesn’t need to be violent for it to still be abuse. Someone who is not abusive will respect that you don’t find such jokes funny and they will stop doing it. I genuinely believe these remarks are designed to keep you on edge and even more so if he knows about your previously abusive relationship. I mean really, what kind of person listens to stories about your past and then makes jokes that are actually directly related- they just aren’t funny!!

[Still-trying]

Hi, I watch the soap. I find it difficult to watch but at the same time, even though im a few years away from the abuse, it’s the first time I’ve been able to see something that describes perfectly the abuse I was living in- even down to the cctv.
I can however imagine what it’s like to watch it whilst you’re still in it. It’s triggering on so many levels. There was times my ex and I would talk about abuse that was going on with other people, or we’d see it on tele and he’d of course play up to being the perfect man that would never do such things, but looking back, it just meant he upped his game or changed the rules again, probably so I didn’t connect the dots I suppose. Abuse is horrible and that’s why it’s so important you keep posting on here whilst you’re still living it xxx

[Still-trying]

He’s actually sent msgs today being mr nice guy.. keeping in mind this is the first time he’s done that in a long time

[Still-trying]

I think they just just do what suits them, and the fact that they can be ‘decent dad’ (though I think it could mostly be an act) shows that they have control over their behaviour and they chose to abuse us

[Still-trying]

Thank you so much for your replies, there’s a lot more to the story but I’m never sure how much I can share without it being deleted with risk of being identifiable. I don’t actually have direct contact, he msgs my mum who forwards then on- but they are always past 10pm at night and often even later, so it’s disturbing both her and I. She took over the hand over of the children in the beginning as i couldn’t even bare to see him so I had zero contact at all.

I am so much stronger now and a lot of time has passed but he has never ever been competitive. There’s no court order in place at the moment. My eldest isn’t biologically his but he plays up to being this amazing guy and wanting equal contact with her. The contact started off only a tiny amount because he had genuinely never ever been around even when we were together, so i insisted he needed to build it up.. I gradually offered more time but then over the last year he’s been so inconsistent with even that small amount and never ever asked for more. I’ve made a note of every little thing that’s ever happened.

When he initially ditched the children back with my parents (I was working) I tried to explain that this wasn’t a good idea and he needed to build a better relationship with them but all of his responses were insults to me, saying I wasn’t doing my job as a mother because I ask my parents to do the hand overs, he’s made jabs at me that the kids don’t want to be with him as heh are so desperate to get back to me because I palm them off on my parents too much… they are only with them when I’m working if they aren’t in school or nursery- I don’t know how he thinks I could pay the bills if I didn’t work!
His most recent replies are big contradictions though, on one hand he says he wants to get my help to be better with the children but on the other hand he says I need to move on from the past and get over it and put the kids first. I want to scream that I am over him, that this is nothing to do with anything that went on between us in the past so it doesn’t even need bringing up… but I know if I do that, I’m playing into his hands. I’m almost sure if I started having direct contact with him, he could be trying to drag me back into his control.

[Still-trying]

About not amour

[Still-trying]

Oh same, I’ve read every book going and done the freedom program, no where describes emotional abuse in this way.. so I doubted it ever was. But seeing this makes me so thankful. I really applaud the writers for it. I hope that it makes at a lot of people realise and get out of abusive relationships xx

[Still-trying]

Yes, I posted on here yesterday about this. It’s the first time ever that I’ve actually seen about abuse I can relate to. I finally feel like I can say ‘yes, this was my life, I and maybe it was abuse after all’ xx

[Still-trying]

Agh I wrote a reply but my phone logged me out. Thank you again for your replies. I do sometimes think the conditioning happened but then I’m not sure if I imagined that. I have anxiety and my house being a mess makes me anxious.. I’m only truly relaxed when it’s tidy but it’s never perfect. I felt he was always ‘giving me better ways to do things’ and ‘advising me on how best to manage my time or the cleaning’ this all felt like he was suggesting that I didn’t do things properly. If I got overwhelmed by stuff he would always compare me to other women he knew and say that they manage so why couldn’t I. These are things that stick with me. The thing is, these are also things that I thought before he came along anyway so isn’t him saying them merely confirming they are true- rather than meaning he’s abusing me. He used to get annoyed when the children’s room was a mess, he’d offer to clean it but then send me lots of msgs saying I needed to teach the children to tidy up more. And if I’d forgotten to empty the washing machine he’d remind me I needed to manage my time better so I didn’t forget. Perhaps this is just part of being a couple… he’d say he was trying to help. Now I feel like id rather be alone because I know I can’t live up to those standards and I don’t want to either. I see other people’s houses and they are a lot lot more untidy than mine and some are more or less the same… but obviously some are perfect. Mine won’t ever be perfect

[Still-trying]

Thank you for your replies. A lot of details got removed despite trying really hard not to be too specific 😩. It’s been a long time since he left. I’ve had counselling, read all the books ever suggested on here and done the freedom program. I’ve learned a lot and wouldn’t be here without the support of some of the ladies on here.. but still to his day I don’t fully believe he is an abuser. He did things that aren’t right, obviously physically laying your hands on someone is wrong.. and he didn’t even have drink as an excuse. I’m glad of everything I’ve learned, it all makes perfect sense. But I think it must take a certain sort of people to be able to make a relationship work, and perhaps I’m not that sort of person. My ex is absolutely perfect in everything he does, and I’m the ‘cut corners sort of person’. He’s never got a hair out of place but mines always in a messy bun. His current gf has perfect hair and makeup every day. she is far more suited to him than I ever was. I always knew deep down that he was too good for me, that I was wrong for him. I tried so hard to make sure he house was perfect, to be what I thought he wanted, but that was wrong of me.

[Still-trying]

Thank you for your reply again. That term sounds interesting. I do understand that everyone is responsible for their own actions, for example my ex chose to hit me and that was his choice but ultimately I’ve pushed too people to very extreme behaviour. If I’d not behaved in certain ways then they’s Never have done certain things. Hitting someone is obviously wrong and I used to say that if he hated me so much then why not just walk away. My dads chosen to walk away. I mean the only conciliation I can take really is that he could’ve chosen to have nothing to do with me but still been with my mum.

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