Sugar

[Sugar]

Thanks guys. I tell my self at the end of each day I’ve got through today so I’ll get through tomorrow. It’s like grieving I’ve actually felt physical pain from it and my heart hurts so much. I hate that this man who has taken so much from me still has the ability to make me feel sorry for him and the things he says such as I thought we were stronger than this and how I’ve broken his heart as all he wanted was to spend the rest of his life with me. My god it makes me so angry and yet again I have to surpress my anger and hurt because I’m not willing to engage with him in anyway whatsoever. I know it’s a process but it’s seems so unfair to have suffered so much in the years together and now I’m free I’m suffering in a completely different way and it feels worse. Everyday is unknown I don’t know what I’m gonna feel each day. When I was with him I could rest assured I was always on egg shells and living in fear. How an earth can I sometimes wish I was living like that again then what I am now. I’m awaiting an appointment with a counsellor I really need some help working through this.x

[Sugar]

I could slap myself I feel so frustrated. Not just with him but with how low I feel in general. I feel like I’m giving up and I don’t want too. It’s almost like I’m watching myself do little if nothing to help my situation. I know I need to get back to work but I can’t seem to pluck up the courage to do so. My confidence in every area of my life is so low. I waste my days thinking about how miserable I feel and doing very little to change it. The ups and downs with him are so draining and disappointing I feel exhausted by it and my feelings of hope are diminished. 😢

[Sugar]

I feel so cross with myself for allowing him to control my emotions like that. I’m normally quite strong in holding it together. I’ve been off on maternity leave for (detail removed by moderator) and being without a job and salary is really getting me down. Everytime I approach talking to him about me returning to work he starts with his jealousy and controlling ways. His salary on it’s own cannot support us and the financial worries are crippling me. I think this is making me less equipped to deal with him. I’ve spoken to him today and he’s calling me crazy, controlling and a bunny boiler! His thinking and thought process is so distorted I’m finding myself picking up his disturbing behaviour. I would never dream of behaving in that way before him. It’s like my pride, dignity and self respect is just being dragged out from underneath me. I’ve started trying to imagine life without him and on one hand it’s my worst nightmare but the other I just want to breathe and feel relaxed instead of feeling fractious and stressed all the time. Even his mum looked disappointed in me coz she told me to ignore him. Just wish I was stronger x

[Sugar]

Well done you!! You’ve done it! You’ve made it threw the day! That’s what you need to do. One day at a time! You enjoy that glass of wine you 100% deserve it! Enjoy the tv and the fact that you are safe 😊 so proud of you 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

[Sugar]

Typing on phone and so many typos. Hope you can all understand what I’ve written

[Sugar]

Moon,

You are so brave! Well done. I have been so worried about you and have kept logging in to see if you were ok. My eyes filled with tears and I think that was relief when I read this post.
I know your brain must be in overdrive and the aftermath of leaving is really really hard. Your used to surviving, your used to constantly thinking of ways to stay safe. You are safe now and that feeling is unknown. I know what it’s like when your getting the constant messages going from I hate you to I love you. Try if you can just to not read them even if it’s for tonight. Just allow yourself a little time to come to terms with what’s just happened. If the anxiety gets too much maybe speak to the doctor and see if there’s anything you can have to relieve it a little.

You are such a brave woman and you deserve to be safe and away from harm. Biggest hugs I can give.

Love sugar x

[Sugar]

Moon,

It’s ok don’t be so hard on yourself. You have enough if him doing that to you. Over the years there have been countless times I’ve wanted to leave and haven’t there have also been countless times I’ve left and gone back. You will do it when your ready but please know I really do know how hard it is. Mine has been emailing begging for forgiveness and giving all the promises under the sun of change. At one point I would have gone running to him straight away full of hope and joy that he really loves me, now I sit here feeling pretty sure it’s yet another tactic to take back his thrown in my house. It’s even harder when little ones are involved. The non stop abuse or threat of abuse is consuming, frightening and draining. Take whatever moments you can to be kind to yourself in anyway possible. Even if you have to wait until he’s at work to do so. I cleaned the toilet with his toothbrush one day whilst he was at work 😁 even though I was a complete wreck from him battering me the night before I was still able to giggle inside to myself whilst he stood in the bathroom brushing his teeth. I’m not proud to say I stooped to that level but when someone is taking everything from you every now and then it kept me going. Keep strong, chin up and tomorrow is a new day. Sending loads of hugs xxxx

[Sugar]

Moon,

You poor thing. I feel overwhelmed for you. I can feel the feeling of the knot in your gut. Your anxiety is raised because your gut is telling you your not going to be ok with him today. You need to breathe. Try and slow down and get some things prepared just incase you have to go quickly. Even the security of knowing you are prepared might make you feel a little better. If you can’t keep it in the house hide it outside somewhere safe. We are all routing for you moon you can do this. One step at a time the biggest thing is getting out but once you’ve done it you will be able to breathe and think more clearly. You will be able to cry the pain that enduring everyday out and most of all you and your baby girl will be safe. Xxxxx

[Sugar]

Moon,

I think we have to keep believing. But this time in ourselves. I have spent so many years believing in him, willing him and supporting him to change. Why I’m not sure. I keep asking myself why I feel the need to keep fighting for or should I say against him to keep him and his love. When I really challenge myself I think about how I treat my loved ones and this includes him. The very thought of hurting him in anyway would devastate me as why would you wZnt to hurt the person you love? And in turn I then ask myself why does he hurt me? It’s not for love that’s for sure. At the moment I feel like I have very little control over anything in my life. My thoughts my feelings my broken heart and my bruised body but the one thing I do have control over is that I am a mother to my three beautiful girls and for them I cannot allow my love for him to continue. He’s hurting me which is hurting them and I will not allow him to hurt them in that way. I’m also thinking about how I would respond if one of my daughters were in this situation and my immediate thoughts are I would do very bad things to whomever dared to hurt my babies. If my poor parents knew of this they would be destroyed. If I lost my children as a result of not bring able to keep myself and them safe I don’t think I could live with myself and that is about all I can use to keep me away from this soul destroying man who I love! Not having him here is giving me time to breathe. It’s hard but my thoughts feel clearer and I’m less on edge. I’m a long way from where I want and need to be but at least right here right now he’s not hurting me and that feels good. There is nothing worse than dreading them coming threw the door and what mood they will be in next and the constant eggshells. If there is anyway you can leave or get him to stay away even just for a few days please try. You need to breathe x

[Sugar]

Hi tamra,

I completely get your feelings about your animals. My partner did similar with my dog. If my dog walks in the laminate flooring he complains that he hates her as she is making two much noise. If she barks it drives him insane. I had her from a pup and she had always slept with me. He put a stop to that as soon as he moved in. She then suffered separation anxiety and began weeing on the floor at night. So now she has to be locked in her cage at night. She cries every night when I put her in there. She’s no longer allowed to sit on the furniture either and I find myself getting cross if she wines because I know it will make him angry. It’s horrible my dog is like one of my babies and I’m finding myself neglecting her to keep him quiet. Such cruel cruel men 😢 I feel really lonely tonight also and very consumed with thoughts of him. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been in out situation could even begin to fathom how hard this is x

[Sugar]

Hi moon,

You’ve commented on my topic and I can see from reading that you are too in a terrible situation. I understand all of what your thinking and feeling I really do. When nothing else matters in the world even the loss of someone because your so consumed with surviving the abuse. Although my times have been awful and he’s made me feel so low I somehow someway keep pushing for my right to be free and I Will get there. As will you. Your situation with children’s services is what I’m desperate to avoid. Please please you have to get out before anything else happens. You could end up losing your baby! I’ve inly been here two days and seeing that so many women on here have endured what we have and have found the strength to leave, gives me the strength to at last do the right thing. I always dread ending things with him as I never know what is going to happen but in reality living with him is a 24 hour gamble of dancing with the devil. We can’t live like this anymore. We and only we can make this stop. I believe you like you believe in me and all the other amazing strong women on here. We can do this 😘 xxxx

[Sugar]

I’m at actual breaking point. I don’t know what to do with myself 😔 don’t know how I’m going to get threw the night! My anxiety has gone right back up. I feel so anxious. Why is he doing this?! It’s so cruel

[Sugar]

I feel like I’m going out of my mind x

[Sugar]

Aggghhhh please I feel like I’m going to go insane! I blocked him from every point of contact apart from email as I don’t know how too! I just checked my emails and stupidly I opened one from him saying that he knows who I’ve been seeing all along behind his back and that he was right all along!!! Omg I’ve never ever and would be too scared to even think about it!! Is this a game? A tactic? I want to respond and defend myself sooo badly 😢😢😢😢

[Sugar]

Thankyou so much to you all for your kind words and encouragement. The saddest thing for me is that you are all shocked at the abuse I described when actually that is just a tiny fraction of what I’ve suffered. He’s spat in my face more times than I can remember, called me a ugly c**t threw hot food in my face. Stolen my car keys, phone and bank card so I can’t leave. Broke my belongings, thrown gifts I bought him in the bin, poured oil over all my clothes the list is endless. He’s so controlling if my children don’t replace the toilet roll when it’s finished or leave toothpaste in the sink he will complain and call them lazy. He hates my dog, won’t let her sit on the sofa or sleep upstairs as she always did before he moved in. He puts all my friends down and my family. Yet astoundingly when he’s not abusing which is now only a couple of times a week he is like the perfect partner. Loving kind funny great with the girls nice yo everyone. How can one person put on such an act? What does he gain from this? I’ve not spoken to him since he left and I have no intention of doing so. His Aunty contacted me today to tell me she has been speaking to him and that he’s very upset by what’s happened. She knows what he is like and is very supportive to me but at the same time I feel like she’s trying to get me to talk to her with the possibility of talking to him. She was someone I confided in and I now feel like he may be trying to get her to collude and condone his behaviour. I haven’t replied to her as I’m unsure of her intentions. Feel do stuck. Not sure where to turn next xx

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