sunshineLollypops

[sunshineLollypops]

Thank you for your kind replies.

Waiting for biopsy results and strangely this feels easier to deal with than leaving someone who is abusing you!!

He sees the children about (detailed removed by Moderator) month for a few hours only and not over night.

He was removed from our house by the police so there is a record but I withdrew all charges as at the time I felt that was the safest option.
I wrote down what he was doing to my on my phone as I couldn’t say it out loud and the police officer took a photo and urged me to press charges.

We had social services involved for the first (detailed removed by Moderator) months so there is a record.

I think I need to get a will in place.

[sunshineLollypops]

Thank you for writing this it definitely makes sense.
I see another about a crumpled £20 note still being a £20 regardless of its crumpled or not!
It’s only when looking back I realise just how depressed I felt and how worthless he made me feel to the point I couldn’t get up in the morning, couldn’t face the day ahead.
Being constantly pushed to the exteme that the extreme became my normal. He took all the power from me till I had no more to give.
Still think of my ex often but have really focused on myself this year and building the ‘old me’ back up again.
Thank you for sharing this

[sunshineLollypops]

I hear you with this and I think that’s part of the problem. Men and Women are conditioned from a very early age to ignore or put up with this behaviour because he’s a man! Men think it’s acceptable to be waited on as they believe it’s normal.
I used to downplay what my ex did all the time. And when questions were asked about why I was bruised I’d say we had a mutual fight (in reality I sometimes hit him back, both in self defence and also because it would just make me so cross and upset that I couldn’t live freely, so when he hit me I’d retaliate- despite him being considerably stronger than me I knew it was a battle I couldn’t win)
When I finally got the courage to leave him – the very people who said I should leave him were now saying we were both too ‘handsy’ and we should seek marriage counselling for the sake of our children.
I used to complain at work that despite me working full time and him only working weekends it was my job to do all the housework, after alll he’s a man and can’t be expected to!!
It’s the whole attitude and unless you have experienced abuse , you don’t quite understand.

[sunshineLollypops]

I feel you and understand exactly what your saying. I see other fathers at football matches and school gates and it resonates deeply why couldn’t I have had children with someone like that?!!
When I was in labour with one of my children he got legless and went to sleep in another room. I went through the whole labour on my own he didn’t check on me once. The next day I went to hospital to give birth on my own and went to get a tea. There was another dad there who saif vone sit onnthe comfy seats and have a cale! The complete opposite of my kids dad! That day I then had to walk to the shop to buy him alcohol and cook dinner having just given birth. He was then calljng me fat and discustng and my belly awful as I had loads of stetch marks from carrying his child.
So now I’m on my own with children and its so much better but very hard. I think just because its relentless its always me!
I’ve gone back to work more hours and put them jn childcare is this something you could do?
Sending you love and support sorry to moan on uour post xxx

[sunshineLollypops]

Hello,
Sending you hugs and support.
What really helped me which I know isn’t for everyone is going to exercise classes – made me feel good about myself again and I managed to meet people after people isolated for so long. If you can’t make classes going for walks.
I’ve read a few modern poetry / quote books too which I have loved and as each page is short easy to fit in:
The she book
Milk and honey
Inward
It’s a matter of finding what you enjoy doing and building on it.
I believe once you start doing what you enjoy and embracing your freedom it builds your self worth.
S xxx

[sunshineLollypops]

Loved reading these – so happy to hear

[sunshineLollypops]

I am trying to date too – it’s honestly so hard. I have met someone whom I like and have slept with already – I was very keen to take back some control as my ex used to force me so I wanted to do it on my terms! It’s been so nice to have someone say nice things to me and nice things about my body. To cuddle and kiss and enjoy each other’s company.
He asked all kinds of questions about my ex and I just kept saying it was an incredibly toxic relationship.
For now I am just enjoying being affectionate with someone I can’t see it going long term though.
This guy I’ve met is an (detail removed by Moderator) and makes me feel normal as he isn’t! I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone ‘normal’ again.

[sunshineLollypops]

Of course it wasn’t like that to begin with – But I’ve always been far too embarrassed to voice my needs so initially It wasn’t a dealbreaker.

[sunshineLollypops]

How did you vet him off the tenancy? Mine is still on my tenancy and all the free legal advice I’ve had so far is to get an occupancy order (which is temporary) I’m also stuck in limbo and unable to move on as I’m constantly scared he may just walk in as its atill technically his home.

[sunshineLollypops]

I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I think ultimately they have to make everything about them, and if they are not getting the full attention then they start with the silent treatment ect.
I too wish i had left earlier – my children are quite disturbed by having to live in such a toxic environment for so long and it’s taking time to build a healthy home. But I think I did what i had to do to get through it at the time, and what felt safest at the time. As I’m sure you did too. I read a lot of blogs and one thing I read last week was that you need to be at your best in order to look after other people. So try not to feel guilty about childcare – it’s important to take time for yourself and to recharge your batteries. I know its very easy to say and hard to put into practice but just keep taking small steps forward xxxx

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