Thesoundofrain

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi Lisa

I’ve tried live chat a few times never got through – I realise it can take time but it makes me anxious- I have emailed women’s aid a couple of times and well it feels like they are not answering ( not able ) what I need answering – when you’ve been gas lit repeatedly you become aware of certain things – and I feel like the emails are t hitting Mark – the other website you mentioned – I haven’t contacted them yet I feel they are the last gasp at placing me somewhere – I really need some element of control here I need some input – so that’s why I’m trying more local – when I say local I mean my part of the country … I will get there – I need to – just need the right person at the right moment to listen … even though I’m really really screwed up I have the nature of never wanting to mess anyone around , never wanting to jump a queue – that’s probably part of the reason he’s treated me like dog shite for so long – I’ll keep going – I want to succeed – I want to help others eventually…

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi Twisted Sister

Thanks for replying – I felt a blow when I read the form – it felt like a check box of let’s see if she deserves it a d I’ll be honest compared to others stories I feel a fraud – it’s like if I can’t prove it how can I get help – (detail removed by moderator)- so it’s not first come first helped – they are looking at who in their experience is worse off – that’s how it reads – not sure if all refuges are the same – I feel like I’ll have to put an axe through his head to stop this – and believe me I’d be happy if he died – the weight that would be lifted would feel like I’d grown wings – I feel so oppressed depressed – I’m trying to keep going for my youngest daughter who is at an important time in her life but is completely oblivious to my decline … my life is shit – I live in my bedroom- I see no future at all right now – I’m tired of thinking I’ll get the answers I need – I don’t they’re all the same – I just don’t know what I have to do … I don’t have a worker who helps me – when I spoke to one put me off – firing loads of questions- does he do this does he do that do you have tools he can use to cause harm on and on – I was like stop !!!!! – I want a conversation not an interrogation- ticking boxes – I can’t stand it – he is like that he’d fire questions and try and trip me up get my words mixed up and make out I was lying or simple … just – feeling that feeling – we all get .. ‘what’s the point ‘… wish we could some how meet up locally – I sound like a nut bag on here – I’m not- I’m just hurting all the time

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi wants to help ,

Thank you for replying I’m trying to gather as much information as possible but I think I’m just mentally exhausted I’m not the woman I was , I’ve changed I’m really defensive and I don’t trust people not to use snarky words – I get triggered – he’s mouth has absolutely destroyed my sense of who I am and I’ve been gas lit that many times I’m extra vigilant- as a woman who has been involved in healing for a long time I pick up energy without the words too – so as much as he has blanked me for I think it’s 8 weeks now I can’t completely switch off from who he is – I have ‘developed?’ A fibro/ cfs condition that means when ever I try to raise my head above the parapet I become exhausted for a day or so – I’m in a catch 22 with no one to help me but me – and I’m feeling worn out – I’ll get there , I have too

[Thesoundofrain]

Thanks Lisa

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi wants to help

I’m looking at baby steps – bit by bit – the big picture does take my breath away … but I’m sure once I’m out and some confidence inches back in my steps will get bigger –

And I definitely will post on here !

I have volunteered in the past too – I did a volunteering course years ago and that set me up to study something – but unfortunate I think when I get so far – I fall back down – and lose all faith in my capabilities..

Maybe it was because I was undermined all the time ….

Thanks for seeing me 😊

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi Wants to Help

You are so helpful I appreciate it very much . I’m getting closer to making that call I can’t stand this life much longer I’m so depressed- it’s been nearly (detail removed by Moderator) months since he has refused to acknowledge my existence not a word – I’m so quiet I just live in my bedroom and listen to them laughing and planning things… it’s not nice and I can’t go on ..

It’s like my mind is trying to reset itself / from ( this is just my self punishment self talking) oh you’ll be ok you’ll get a job he’ll talk to you eventually, maybe if you do this or try that!!

Oh my god I want to punch myself in the face when that starts ! He’s called me an idiot many times and that crap is definitely my idiot speaking !!

Then my other side says / this is what you can do , this is what you may do , think of those possibilities!! And I do get a fluttery feeling then bump / so that’s cyclical at the moment- but I need to try to hold that cycle a bit longer each time ..

The church idea sounds good I have a deep spiritual side but not religious and maybe an alpha group would help me deepen my connection ..

I have a phone and a cheap laptop – do refuges have wifi so I can watch programmes ..

Hopefully soon – I do feel sick when I think about picking up the phone

The person who risks nothing has nothing does nothing – omg Judy Dench just spoke to me through my tv 🙈

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi TS

Thank you for replying as I read your words I felt very weepy/ trying to work out why…maybe I see what I’ve become by actually seeing it in writing and seeing someone see it in writing ..I’m not me, I’m a shell of me … and this echo chamber in my head is mortifying – that rabbit in the head lights – ( my brain straight away said to me ‘ how much road kill do you see?) hmmmm..

I’m not sure what i have interests in – I like history, castles , museum , I like to read but hardly read anything this past year ( brain can’t take it in feel like I’ve got brain issues with memory)

And I’ve piled on so much weight / I’m bloated and seriously unfit …. hmm so a women’s gym sounds maybe a possible thing?

I suppose I’d have to see where I end up – and the kind of support …

My weight and other things have affected my walking – I really do need to address that ..

I’ll have to see what benefits I can get as I have no income at all – he controls everything..

Think I’d like to learn to cross stitch ! If I develop some patience … but I love handling colour…

You got me thinking ! Thanks

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi Wants to Help

Hopefully this time next year I’m in a much better place .

You’re so right about the effort involved x

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi Healingbutterfly babe

I’m feeling similar to you with the same health issues and I’ve been trying to seek help online to make sense because I find myself frustrated with who I am now to who I was when I was first involved with my husband I’m a scooped out shell I did have kids my last one at (detail removed by moderator) and she was healthy and so was I physically!! So give yourself some space there , my friend had a healthy baby age (detail removed by moderator) ,. Have you heard of Melanie Tonia Evans she does some interesting talks on these empty feelings like we’ve lost ourselves… I also have issues with my memory and I didn’t realise this was related my main problems are the destruction to my mental health which just had a dominos effect – I’m still in the middle of it – dithering not feeling deserving of a new start … it took me a good (detail removed by moderator) to even get to this point … it feels wasted … but I’m certain after listening to others stories that I /we have the potential to rebuild , slowly .. x

[Thesoundofrain]

I love your post I’m not there yet and even though my list will be different I feel for you and the smile you must feel when you can do all your stuff in a happier place xxx

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi

I’m not the greatest in articulation right now but I just want to say – what you are having done to you will continue forever I have been with mine for over (detail removed by moderator) I’m in (detail removed by moderator) of the silent treatment because he is mad at me for something he did – all it’s done has made me out to be the bad guy as a narc manipulation on kids is well documented- mine have grown up with it and as much as I thought I was being a good mother by staying it back fired … he’s still the same and I’m mentally destroyed- get out and don’t look back – hindsight ( for me ) is a wonderful thing – trust me I know how hard it is … they never change the patterns. . X

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi KIP

I didn’t realise ptsd was a thing in relation to my behaviour until a friend pointed it out to me and I’m still struggling to feel I’d be believed- I s been to my gp many times over the years and spilled my guts they offered anti depressives ( not for me and I’ve told them that a few times ) and a form of counselling with a 12 month waiting list – I don’t want counselling though – I managed to have ‘therapy’ and it helped but the bottom line was …. I can’t ‘get better’ unless I separate myself from him – the best advice I’ve seen has been looking at those previously abused by narcs I feel the average person just doesn’t understand- but I’m struggling to separate myself as I don’t have the practical support … I’ll probably have to retreat now as every time I put myself ‘out there ‘ like make enquiries share my stuff on here I feel broke , I see my broken ness and feel worse .. I can understand why women zip it … it’s overwhelming.. thanks for the input kip 🙂

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi thanks for replying I’ve not thought of contacting cab and no I haven’t told the police anything – I did get a free 45 minutes with a very helpful solicitor she advised me do to his own triggers I’m not in the right mental state to put up with his behaviour if I try and divorce from under same roof – I have no family or friends that I can go to I don’t work or have savings – so I’m looking At refuges but I can’t get the info without referring myself and that’s like a massive thing for me – I hate sounding like a victim like I’ve given every ounce of my being away and when I speak to people I’m struggling getting my … full story across – my mother was beaten by my father that to me is abuse so I feel like I’m not been taken seriously it’s an awful feeling – no life

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi Wantstohelp

Thank you for taking the time to give me your response – that without a doubt is an amazing positive experience! I’m thinking you got back on your feet and things have improved?

It’s really hard to find info online about the procedures and what I am allowed to do – I know you don’t tell anyone where you are – my kids are grown up ish! My youngest no matter what sees her dad as a saint and her attitude is very much like his and as much as I have been there since the day she was born she would never leave him .

I’ve lost so much confidence and I don’t feel like talking most of the time these days I’ve just lost my ‘will’ to be part of anything.

It’s like , I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to chat that much either – my head has been cabbaged …

[Thesoundofrain]

Lisa 🤣- god I feel a burk- I was expecting the reply at the bottom .. thanks

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