UnicornSparkleHead

[UnicornSparkleHead]

He called me up after (detail removed by Moderator). Slowly made his way back into my life. I told him to leave multiple times and he always refused to and just managed to convince me to let him stay. And he moved in to my new place with me now and I feel like I can’t kick him out.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

I’m just so exhausted. I want him to leave. I want him out of my life. But I know he won’t. Or at least not without a fight. He makes me feel so small ALL THE TIME.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

@HunkyDory I’m not sure. He hasn’t spoken to me for two days now, I’m being punished I think.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Hey KIP – thank you for your support, it means a lot.

I have been to the police, we went through an entire case and I was proven right, he admitted to everything and was sentenced. That’s what makes it hard. For the authorities, for my family, my friends, our case is over. I don’t know how I’d talk to them and admit that I went back, even after all that. I talked to one of my friends and after I told her she just stopped speaking to me, saying she can’t keep telling a junkie to quit. I just thought that after the case and his rehab therapy he had changed. But it feels like rather than him, the form of abuse just changed – now he uses terms he learnt in therapy to make me feel like I am doing everything wrong, even when I know rationally that I haven’t done something wrong at that time.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Does anyone have any experience in what to do when his abuse continues? He is literally on a (detail removed by Moderator) and is continuing his abuse. Today he said some horrible, horrible things to me, and I don’t know what to do. Can I contact anyone about his behaviour? His PO still isn’t responding to me.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

It’s so hard. I completely understand. I kept giving mine chance after chance after chance. (detail removed by Moderator) Cried about how sorry he was. Yet very soon started blaming me for everything, showing all the signs of not actually being remorseful/saying I did just as bad to him. They’re so good at manipulating you that no matter how much you realise their behaviour is not right, they still manage to convince you that they will change or that it was just “a moment”, not who they really are. Sadly, it is who they are. It’s n**********c tricks, maybe they even see it is love, but it isn’t. We love them and forgive them, and they abuse that love.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Thanks for letting me know. I think he must be going, because if he misses even one session he has to go (detail removed by Moderator) The course leader hasn’t been in touch, and I have no idea how to reach them. I tried to but got told they can’t disclose any information. But in the meantime he is still doing the same things he did before and they don’t know about it. If they don’t allow me to speak to them, or liaise with me, how on earth are they supposed to know whether he’s making progress or not? Let alone reducing his sessions to a couple of weeks rather than the full sessions he had been given.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Jesus, sorry to post here again, but I’m really at a loss. So now they’ve reduced his sessions because he’s showing such great progress, typical reactions of him going: I don’t need the therapy, they said I’m doing great, I would never re-offend. Says his probation officer would be in contact with me, but they haven’t been at all. I’m really worried he’s somehow given them the wrong contact details, so now they’re under the impression he’s made so much progress when it’s all lies and just him being his charming self. What can I do about it? It’s so worrying to me that they’re all buying into his charm offensive.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Thank you IWMB, ending the day in tears is not what I wanted. Thanks for having my back 🙂

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Christmas is officially ruined. He spent (detail removed by moderator) texting me again about me having to admit that I was abusive to him too, and saying he hopes I’ll never move back to where we used to live (even though I grew up there and I have left to get away from him). Says I am deluded that I don’t see the part I played. I feel so horrible and sick. I really feel like his probation officer should know this, but I can’t seem to get through to them.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Christ, it’s so hard. First Christmas without him and I feel so empty and sad. So hard not to contact him. And the leaders of his program still haven’t gotten in touch, so I’m left having to make so much effort. The holidays are so hard – definitely the loneliest and saddest time a year for me. I used to have him to make things better around this time, and now it’s just me.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

OH WOW this hit me so hard. This exactly is what it feels like to me. I still feel scared of keeping a diary because he read all of mine, dating way back to before we were seeing each other, pointing out all the flaws and bad things my teenage self had done. I still get that feeling like he’s watching from somewhere, it’s so eye-opening to hear someone else say the exact same thing! I constantly have to remind myself that he isn’t looking, he can’t watch me anymore. And it is lovely to be able to write what you feel without worrying whether he will read it!

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Same here, petite, you’re not alone. My ex got charged and everything, but every time I have contact with him I fall in love all over again. It’s so hard – I have moments of clarity, knowing I am safer now, but most days I just miss him terribly, can’t get out of bed, can’t eat. So I totally understand what you’re feeling, trauma bonding is so so hard and so so strong.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Thank you so much. Yeah, it’s definitely hard because they also do that thing where in a twisted way their constant control and watching your every move at least makes you feel like “they care”. Whereas now it feels like… no one does. Weird feeling. But hopefully his rehab program will get in touch soon about this, because I think it is important to tell them that he’s essentially been blaming me again through the therapy-input.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Thank you for your advice everyone. Feeling slightly calmer, went no-contact and my head feels a bit better now. I did also contact his programme like you guys advised, because as you all said it did say on their website too that his previous partner would be contacted and I hadn’t been, so hopefully I can get some clarity on that. But I feel so incredibly guilty. I guess I always hoped we’d be together in the end.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

I think because he might have told them we’re not together anymore they aren’t working with me. It’s horrible, he doesn’t seem to realise how (removed by moderator) and condescending his views are, talking at me about abuse and toxic behaviour as if I’m the one perpetuating it, constantly telling me how I have SO MANY ISSUES to work on, saying that he’s already gone through so much. Then when I try to bring up that the trial etc isn’t MY fault, it’s HIS actions that caused him to have a criminal record, he shuts down the conversation and turns it on me again. I really thought this special DV programme would help him out, but he just now says he doesn’t owe me anything, let alone an acknowledgment of his behaviour. I just don’t understand.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Yeah he has admitted to everything, even to police. Yet still when I confide in people I am the one in the wrong for breaking his trust and then he shouts at me for telling people our private business.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

I am so tired. Exhausted. He keeps telling me he can’t trust me because I told people about the abuse after all this time. Now he tells me I can’t take jobs because he doesn’t trust me ‘after I broke his trust and confided in people’. I’m unable to work, getting in debt, and so scared all the time. I’m too scared to cut him off completely because I’m afraid he will start pressing charges and/or ruin my career as we work in the same industry. I just feel so tired and lost. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. It is impossible.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Thank you for your help ladies, it means a lot. It is very very hard, because I can see him battling with wanting to change and then on the other hand turning into the monster who blames me for everything again, saying that I only showed one side of the relationship to the authorities. It’s such a difficult thing to go through, and I have lost all my friends and support as they are all pitying him (detail removed by moderator)

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Feeling at the lowest of lows. He refuses to tell me whether or not he’s slept with someone else because it’s not my right to know “because we’re not together”. I feel so heartbroken. How can someone say they’re in love with you whilst being with someone else. How is that possible. I just can’t even breathe anymore. After everything I forgave him and waited for him and then just this. I don’t know how to deal with it anymore.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Can someone please tell me if I’m going insane?

My ex doesn’t want us to get back together but he does still want to sleep with me. He is still taking and asking my money. He says he still loves me and that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else, but goes out every night and texts me at 3am and I have no idea who he is with or what he is up to. Then today he brings up a new sex thing he says he’d like to try. I say I’d be happy to if it makes him happy. Then he says he might not want to because he doesn’t feel like he can trust me. I say I completely understand that and would never push him, whatever he feels comfortable with. Then all of a sudden he says: (Detail removed by Moderator)

I got very upset because I said that to me that sounds like he wants to sleep with other people. Now or in the future. So I asked him whether he understood how painful and confusing that statement was and he just got so so angry with me. Really viciously telling me that I make everything about me, that I always make myself the victim. And I am so confused. Is this just him still abusing me or am I really out of line?

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Thank you all for your support. It’s so hard because I feel like I can’t reach out to friends about it anymore – they are sick of listening to it and nothing changing and me going back to him. But the minute they stop speaking to me, the more I get sucked into his narrative. Luckily he is away for a while now, but he still manages to exhaust me by making me do the things he wants me to do. I still don’t feel like I can make my own decisions about what I do with my life. (Detail removed by Moderator) because he still feels like whatever he did was only as bad as ‘what I did to him’. I just want it to be over so I can start being with people who actually care about me, and not someone who is toxic and horrible whenever they want to be.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

It s so difficult. I thought I had gotten better but I keep believing him. He says he told a friend about the abuse and the police and that she was asking him if HE was okay. Him! Instead of me. He keeps saying two people create a toxic environment, not just one. That I am just as responsible. Am I wrong? Am I responsible ?

[UnicornSparkleHead]

They weren’t. I was put in a situation where I had nowhere to sleep, and had to stay in a hostel in the end. Which makes it hard for me to believe I can rely on anyone. Now they have been cut off as my last support because a friend in our circle received an anonymous threatening phonecall, which I don’t believe was my ex, but they’re convinced it was, even though they’ve never met him and there’s no reason whatsoever for my ex to call that particular person. But me not believing that and my trouble with leaving my partner has been the final drop, and now they can’t help me either. I feel totally lost. Friend after friend fell away, and now there is no one left. It feels like there is no way out at all.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Hey all,

Thank you for the support. We had a really long night discussing everything (detail removed by moderator). I don’t know anymore if my reality is the right one. I did a lot of bad things too. I feel like I don’t know how to talk to him about abuse and changing anymore. I’m so tired, and I just wanted things to be okay. They’re happy for a few hours and then it goes back to things being bad and fighting. It’s so confusing, and nothing is happening with the case so I don’t know what is going on.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

I’m such an idiot. Got sucked back in. Seeing him again. I can’t help it but still have these feelings and hope for the best. Very scared it’s going to hurt (Detail removed by Moderator) and make him get away with it all because we got back together. Feeling so confused about everything now.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

This is getting so out of hand. He sent me messages via a secret account saying he missed me, and now he called me for hours last night on a secret number to say he’s gone to ask for help, worked with Respect, to learn about his behaviour and change it and make sure he becomes a better man. I’m so confused by all this behaviour. At the same time he said he thinks the term survivor is ridiculous and doesn’t apply to us. That we don’t fit in the pattern. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Is he really changing? Does he genuinely want to change or is this just all a rouse to make sure the justice system doesn’t punish him? I’m so confused and I don’t know what to believe or who to trust anymore.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

I’m back to zero again. I saw him, slept with him, and now all I want to do is protect him and get back together with him. He said he was putting a lot of trust in me meeting me – which is true because obviously police would take action if they found out. He said how sorry he was about everything and that he regrets everything terribly. I just wanted to turn back time and now all I can think of is how to get him out of trouble. I am too scared to tell anyone about this because I don’t want him to get into trouble.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

He turned up again, after an event I went to. Asked to meet me later to talk, without CCTV. I don’t know what to do now. He said a conversation would be good for us. I’m scared he’s trying to frame me, but I also feel obliged to meet him. I don’t know what to do.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

(Detail removed by moderator) Very frustrating but hopefully something will happen. He’s dating someone new (started very shortly after his arrest) and posting pictures all over social media. It’s infuriating and worrying. Seems like I’ll never get a true apology, and he never cared at all.

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