Velveteenbun

[Velveteenbun]

First of all you have made the right choice. I can relate to a lot of this when I broke up with my ex he was the same accusing me of living the life of Reilly and not being bothered or upset. There are a lot of red flags in what you have said he has said, he says he didn’t know how it would affect him, he’s bothered about himself, not letting you go is another one, you don’t belong to him and yet this phrase would suggest he thinks you do.
He is just trying every tactic under the sun to get you back, he’s given you an ultimatum that didn’t work, he ended it to try and get the reaction he wanted and it didn’t work so now he’s trying begging and promising this is literally how they do it. Please don’t doubt yourself this is text book abusive behaviour and he won’t change they are incapable of changing.

[Velveteenbun]

That is disgusting. I am sick and tired of men treating women like objects. Reading that makes me so angry. How dare men behave like that. He has absolutely no right to do any of that and a real man wouldn’t. Real men don’t need to degrade women to make themselves feel better. It doesn’t matter that you are married you are still entitled to privacy and you have a right to say no to anything you don’t want.

[Velveteenbun]

Thankyou so much for that. I thought as much. I had considered he has taken legal advice or even his family has advised hin of that much. When he is being kind and reasonable it makes me question my own behaviour and makes it harder for me to take action I know is going to hurt him at least financially if not emotionally

[Velveteenbun]

No you are not over reacting. My ex used to get angry if our son woke him in the night. I used to take him downstairs to avoid an argument.
This sounds like abuse. The throwing of car keys concerns me. I found with my ex and still find he pushes the boundry. If he does something and gets away with it next time it goes that little bit further and then a little bit further. It ended with him almost raping me after ohr relationship ended. He had gotten awY with so much sexual abuse that he stopped seeing where the line was. Luckily he realised he had crossed a line before he actually raped me but it wasn’t a nice experience and I have been terrified of him since that nivht because I know he is capable of anything if he thinks he can get away with it. Anyway my point is it is likely as he gets away with things his behaviour will escalate until he is dojng more than throwing car keys at you.
I would recommend ringing womens aid they are fantastic and will offer support. Also go to your gp and make sure you log with her or him the behaviour and how it is effecting you and any physical signs. Keep a record of the abuse. Don’t doubt yourself they are very very good at making you do that.
If you have lied to your partner because you are scared of his reaction then he is abusive. End of. xxxx

[Velveteenbun]

(I have actually been toying with the idea, since I am poking the bear as it is (detail removed by moderator) and  I am too much of a coward. I am worried if I take him to court because he can’t afford that there is a chance if his family can’t lend him the money and he thinks he is going to lose his son, which is how his mind would work he would kill me then kill me then kill himself. So asking for maintenance would be exacerbating that problem)

[Velveteenbun]

If I asked him for maintenance using the csa he would probably kill me, I actually don’t know what he would do but I have no desire to find out.
The sight of my phone, with all my mens nunbers in obviously because I’m a whore, is enough to trigger his anger, a letter from the csa is way beyond that.

[Velveteenbun]

I agree with healthy archive. I have spent my ljfe moving from man to man, like I need the attention to survive. I have always felt I needed to be in a relationship that I wouldn’t be able to function or look acter myself only own. I think I am realising even though I am in this relationship that I don’t need him. I can survive on my own, I don’t need him to make me feel complete. I enjoy his company and I love him but I don’t depend on him for anything. I think if we split up I could be single I certainly wouldn’t feel the need to rush into another relationship. Give yourself time to heal x x x

[Velveteenbun]

Yes they advised a strongly worded letter from them first. I am entitled to legal aid but my wage last month due to overtime was just over the threshold and thry go on your last months wage slip. I am not doing overtime this month so decembers wage slip will fall in the requirements for legal aid. I only have about 6 weeks now till I get that wage slip.
If he can hold off harrassing me till then it would be great I can cope with collecting my son early for the next few weeks if he isn’t harrasing me and turning up at my house. I know his current “good behaviour” isn’t a permanent change but I am hoping it lasts until I can get legal aid and I am hoping when this mask does slip it isn’t going to be like a pressure cooker.

I probably need to start another thread for this but if he hasn’t been paying me maintenance will that count against him in court if he is arguing about an extra nights contact?

[Velveteenbun]

Can I make. Prohibited steps based on this alone. I was under the Impression he had to stop contact altogether. I neex to speak to my solicitor on monday. I have been waiting for documentation to finish my claim for legal aid to come through. I am hoping to have it in the next week.

[Velveteenbun]

I think you have done right. My idas worker keeps telling me to listen to my gut feelings. So if your gut is telling you something it is probably true.
Making any kind of demands on you or your time is not normal or healthy behaviour. It is taking me a while to realise this but people who love and care about you do not place demands or conditions on you. They do not try and control you. They do not exhibit excessive irrational jealousyand they treat you like an equal. They respect you and your wishes. My ex has zero respect for me I doubt he ever has done.

[Velveteenbun]

I know how you feel. I am in my first serious relationship since I split with my ex. Our relationship is moving very slowly and he has proven he isn’t anything like my ex. However any slivht display of jealousy and my defenses gl up and thd rrd flagscome out.
I would say those comments are red flags. Personally I would proceed very cautiously. it dependsn the situation. For example if my dress was inappropriate for a particular occasion I would expect my partner to say something but my ex refused to let me wear a particular dress out without him because he said it was a pulling dress. It was approriate for an xmas night out with friends it was his jealousy that was the problem. Does that make sense

[Velveteenbun]

Arrrghhh he can’t even tell me the truth about something as sinple as his relationship status. Be claims the girl he was with is now his ex which to be honest I didn’t believe. I have just been to collect my son and she was there woth her daughter and they had spent the night. He has a two bedroom house. I don’t know about anyone else but I tend not to sleep in the bed of my ex if we are “just friends”. Plus my son says she is daddys girlfriend

[Velveteenbun]

I have a solicitor who is dealing with it. The problem with stopping contact is it would mean I couldn’t go to work and my son wouldn’t be able to go to school because there would be nothing stopping his dad from pulling him out of school. That goes for his dad as well he couldn’t stop contact because I would just collect hik from school early or his grandparents house while his dad was at work. If his dad did try that I could put a prohibitive steps motion through and my solicitor is all ready to that if needs be.

[Velveteenbun]

What constitues as sexual abuse. My ex tried to rape me although the date that happened I don’t know. Throughout our relationship he coerced me into having sex with him and I woke up on a few occasions to find him initating sex

[Velveteenbun]

I am sure it will, I keep thinking one day he will trip himself up and thats it. They are just insecure little boys who wouldn’t know how to behave like a decent manif they read a how to manual.
It is just pathetic.

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