AbbeyRoad

[AbbeyRoad]

I hate (detail removed by Moderator) nights. The same thing (detail removed by Moderator) happened to me. I hate (detail removed by Moderator) too. (detail removed by Moderator) are the only good days and even then only if I apply to the rules of the house. (detail removed by Moderator) I’m a fat and he started throwing things at me saying if he wanted to he could really hurt me. So I ran upstairs, nothing to throw at me so he threw me (detail removed by Moderator) instead. I can figure out how to break the relationship and survive alone, I’m great alone, but I can’t figure out how to stop loving him to start the process. I feel so much affection for him, I feel his upset at his actions, he’s in counselling too to try and stop this. I can’t cope and I can’t leave and hate myself for that as well.

[AbbeyRoad]

Your story is similar to mine, no two stories are exactly the same but the struggles and the doubt is there. For weeks I have had the most amazing man,I felt that’s it we’ve turned the corner, i could marry this man its gotten that much better. Then on (detail removed by moderator) he flipped as we came home from a weekend away, threw our (detail removed by moderator) and put me in a threatening hold in front of people who came to help but I walked off home with embarrassment. No he would never hit me, I dont believe he would he’s had many chances too but never does, but the emotional abuse thats just as bad, draining and wearing. I left this chat group as I felt things were getting better but without him trying to make himself better with professional help it wont be, people with that much anger in them that they take it out on the person they love they need professional help and that behaviour doesn’t just fade away. I am like you not ready to make a permanent decision on ending it, and theres no pressure on you to do that. People on here and friends say leave him, it will never change….but this is about your journey through it. Take the time you need, I would say dont leave your friends and family though keep that support network around you you’ll not think straight without them, stay but learn the lessons you need, when you do you will have no doubt it was the right decision for you.

[AbbeyRoad]

This sounds familiar to me. I carried on thinking I could help, my love developed stronger and we moved in together. Here I am (detail removed by moderator) later looking for support because nothing changed. Except I feel more invested into the relationship and can’t pull away. I look at those first few months and I saw the red flags I just thought loving someone and becoming the support they may never have had will be enough. I now realise nothing I do will be enough it has to come from them. So now I am trying to get my mind back to what it was like when I first met him. What was I wanting from a relationship, why am I a million miles from that. The one thing I think is if my friend came to me saying this is the relationship I’m in and said all the things I have in mind, I would say walk away. So if I would say that to my friend why can’t I listen to it for myself??

 

 

[AbbeyRoad]

The thing I see is how similar our stories are. My boyfriend speaks of suicide too, has stood on the edge of our (detail removed by moderator) threatening to jump even, but never goes through with it, does he ever truly intend on doing it? I wonder if it’s used as a control method for us and it’s an abuse of our good will to stop someone’s doing that and overlook ourselves and what we need or what’s being done to us in order to help them. It is not our responsibility to help them continually if they don’t help themselves. Yet my logic says that but I find it hard to draw a line under it and say that is enough now. Someone on here said to me can you still support but from a distance, live separately whilst they recover, or don’t, and I feel that’s an easier step to take than to finalise the relationship. Being on here and listening to others has been so helpful. I also try to remind myself that I need to stop hoping he’ll become the man I need him to be and I have to deal with the man I have. That is my reality.

[AbbeyRoad]

Mine does it with food. I bought you this…I can’t eat that I’m on a diet, you know I’m on a diet. I then have weak moments and eat the thing he bought and then he uses that as a moment to go at me, saying I’m fat, disgusting and I’m ugly, don’t I realise what I am doing to myself and all under the pretence that he’s supporting me in my attempt to be on a diet. I say you shouldn’t have bought that for me then, oh I didn’t realise… it’s a power thing and a controlling thing. Like others have said its a way to manipulate you and also to give you something and then have the ability to take away your power because of it. It wont stop whilst your in the relationship so what you must realise is how nice a person you are for constantly accepting these gifts, you care (however mad it seems) about his feelings. This means you are so much better, you are not the person he makes you out to be, you care about others feelings and you put them above your own. This is a wonderful quality and one he’s manipulating but it’s still a wonderful quality, always remember you would love the gifts if they were given with love.

[AbbeyRoad]

Hi Ariana, you need to take back control, you’re feeling like this because control over your own life has gone. I know it’s hard out there right now but have you a way of working. If you become in control of your own finances then whatever happens doesn’t matter, if he wins more of the house than he should you can still create a life regardless. You are still so reliant on his money to support you. A little job and the ability to have childcare is hard but it’s possible there are many single mums who do it, many of of my friend do. Imagine having a little job, your own income to do what you want to do, him out your life and all the money you make is yours. You wont become homeless because it’s go nothing to do with him and his money and how much he decides to give you. How free would you feel from his grasps and how that would make him feel, pretty shit I imagine. He is still too powerful a force in your life, from meeting you, his emails, and even your solicitors comments. Break free yourself from him and break all ties.

[AbbeyRoad]

Thanks for your reply, thats not a bad idea. I do think he’ll see it as the end to our relationship, but I think I am about there at the end anyway. I love him for the glimmer of the nice person he can be but when he doesn’t control the other part or refuses help for that part which he did this week by rejecting counselling from Survivors, then I am left to take his abuse and right now its constant. This week I am exhausted, mentally drained and have slept so much and tried to work from home but found it hard to concentrate and feel like I’m on the outside looking in on my life. I’ve had counselling myself to support myself and him and all they said is you have to leave him and that always felt too final but maybe like you said there’s a 1/2 way leaving option. thank you

[AbbeyRoad]

I am reading this sitting in my bedroom crying for the same reasons, so seeing your post I too know I am not alone. I know posting on a forum isn’t bringing my situation to an end, but it is taking steps to see a little more through the fog and for months I haven’t been able to think straight let alone know what the right next step is to take. I just live in hope right now and I won’t add myself to the list of abuse I am receiving right now by beating myself up anymore, so for now it’s small steps and hearing others stories.

[AbbeyRoad]

Thank you, I am so sorry for you too and I am also so great at giving advice, I would say f*** him, life’s so short we don’t have many years to be enjoying life and you deserve to be loved by a man who treats you well and loves you entirely and makes you so so happy for as many days as you have. Because that’s true but hard to make any moves towards. Yet however clearly I can see yours situation and advise it’s like I’m deaf to my own situation. I’ve kind of numbed the impact, I explain it all away. Tonight it’s over he’s found me, belittled me told me how horrible and stupid I am and now asleep snoring. So finally I can sleep. Tomorrow I’ll wake up better with a bit more energy to go at it again. However there must be end to it right? There will be a moment I’m strong enough to say enough.

[AbbeyRoad]

Mine boyfriend today has decided to get counselling and so now I am the big bad person for not supporting him. I am so relived that he’s getting counselling though the rest doesn’t matter, the pressure feels off me. I do believe I being manipulated but you don’t trust your judgement anymore. I rock between helping him so much and then wanting to leave him. I believe he is a good person then realise he will still treat me poorly. I have hope then I am let down again. It’s a constant rollercoaster of highs and lows. How do you think you would have handled things differently knowing now the truth?

[AbbeyRoad]

Thank you for this, it is really helpful. It’s strange, if my friend told me my situation as if it was theirs I would have very defined responses for her to get out the relationship, protect herself etc. Yet when it’s happening to you, you can’t see it clearly and or excuse away the problems. I agree with everything you have said and reading it makes you realise and see it in black and white. He is in a job and earning nice money, enough to support himself and I called his friends last week and told them a bit about it and they said they would look out for him. So I know deep down he will be ok. The thing I struggle with is how I have let him down, couldn’t help him get the help he needs and I imagine what a wonderful man he would be if he could find peace and I couldn’t give that to him. However like you said its about me and what I need and the relationship is now all on his terms. Thank you or taking the time to write to me, and no you didn’t go on too long. Thank you

[AbbeyRoad]

Thank you for your help and understanding its so strange to find yourself here. Helping someone who is so desperate to want normality, who could be such a lovely man and yet ruined by the abuser and then you feel like you can help but they don’t want it.There’s some comfort for them in knowing what they are like and what caused them to not be responsible for their own actions..but yet they are. Yes we become a victim too. I thank you for your comments and I hope to absorb them and act on them. x

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