Ariana

[Ariana]

Some loveley advice on this thread! I’m in the early stages of being on my own and I keep dreaming that I’m deeply in love with him. I really miss the good times..I reinvented him in my head as a nice person…but then I read through all the stuff hes done to me and remind myself how bad I wanted it to end. I suppose the brain naturally tries to block out trauma…paint over the ugly parts …but just keep going… it will pass..I too fear that a new partner will be able to get the best out of him… that it was something I did/ the way I handled him…. but I couldn’t have done it any differently or tried anymore than I did. I just keep pushing forward and look for good in life..thrive on the love of my children..family..friends..healthy relationships… people who genuinely care about my emotional health. Message me anytime as I can very much relate to how your feeling xxxx

[Ariana]

Hey..I have heard of trauma bonding and I really think it’s the case .. I’ve blocked out all the bad things which is rediculous because it was so bad I was soooooo miserable and hated him so much. I happened to have a call from my local womens aid the next day and arranged some counselling sessions.. I’ve also signed up to the freedom project. I keep receiving messages from him telling me how much he loves me how hed do anything for me… it’s so hard but I just have to keep reminding myself that hes just love bombing rk try to manipulate me back to where he wants me. I need to block him again .. I’m all over the place really.. I’ve learned that I’m not good on my own.. I need a friend to keep me company through this.. my family members have been great at talking sence into me and stopping me from returning he paints a picture that life will and can be amazing as now he has apparently seen the error in his ways and realises he has to change… but weve been here 5 times already and it always regressed and got worse. He is trying to persuade me to return home promising that he will live elsewhere but this is because he knows what a great support network I have in my hometown. He wants me where he can get to me and control my whole life. It’s so tempting in a practical way to fo back as I wouldnt have to move.. change kids schools or start again but longterm it would be worse. I’ve started myself to have 3_4 glasses of wine per night so that o can fall asleep not caring..I’m on anti depressants as well but I’m going to speak to gp to up my dose. I drink I need to block him again. I was fine until he made contact xx

[Ariana]

If your dreams dont scare you, they arnt big enough

A comfort zone is beautifull but nothing ever grows there.

Jn order for beautiful flowers to grow, first there must be rain xx

[Ariana]

Thankyou both! Fear has paralysed me for so long…I have the devil on one shoulder saying ” are you sure your strong enough to go ahead with thos is massive??” And an angel on the other saying ” yes its massive….bit not as massive as a choice to stay!!” I’m trying not to let it overwhelm me..I keep thinking of what my nan used to say ” life has a funny way of working itself out.. nothing great ever bloomed in a comfort zone..and finally if your dreams dont scare you they arnt big enough xxxx

[Ariana]

Hi ladies

Ive spoken to my local womens Aid today who have advised that because i am planning on leaving the area i should contact the womens aid of the town im returning to for support.

I cant find a number or email address to contact them anywhere it seems really unclear online. can anyone on here help xxx

[Ariana]

a cup of tea and some home baked cookies- my girls have the recipe they love baking! a picnic blanket on the floor. my baies with flowers in their hair… we can eat what we like as much or as little..nobody monitoring us now. sun on my skin..gentle breeze in my hair.. i can take my girls for a nice palyful bubble bath then cuddle them in their pj’s whilst they fall asleep..they wont be rudely awoken tonight. not a sniff of alcohol around..all the doors locked and secure..SAFETY.

In the morning we can get up and go for a wander around the fields, stroking the horses looking out for wildlife watching the sun rise.. the day is our own. no waiting around for him to wake at lunchtime like a bear with a sore head dictating our daily plans.

Bliss xxx

[Ariana]

i’ve just arrived tired and weary with my 2 babies. we have been walking for days/weeks/months/years looking for sanctuary, and there it is in the distance the lovely cottage.. so inviting, my daughters gasp and point..mummy lets go there look at the flowers and butterflies and horses.. the ladies are calling us over!… we start heading over slow at first ..the children start to gain confidence and excitement and run towards the cottage..they see a large play area..i start to pick up the pace call after them naturally being anxious…but i am met with kind smiles..embraces….women who know my pain… we are home. Is this it? has he finally finished us all off..is this heaven??? . No it cant be… we are here , we are present, we are free xxxxxx

[Ariana]

I will.. ill contact my local womens aid during the week and talk my options through with someone… i have done this before they offered me refuge but i just wasn’t ready to make that step at the time.
A x x x

[Ariana]

hi..i just wanted to reach out and say i can very much relate to this. ive left numerous times and i’ve seen every tactic in the book, even stormed out once and returned 3 days later saying he’d tried to kill himself and had been in hospital…but he had a sun tan!!! i suppose they’re clutching at straws, playing the victim as they always do!! well done for staying strong. don’t fall for it, its a slippery slope. maybe just keep reminding yourself what lead you to separate in the first place.
all the best
A xx

[Ariana]

Thankyou so much for your replies.i could cry..I’ve awats kept that to myself among many other things.. but hearing how horrified you all are about this makes it hit home for me. I have emailed services available at my place of education to see if they can offer some practical support in terms of my studies going forward and maybe some emotional support as well. I have a trusted person who has offered myself and children a temporary place to stay so I know o do have somewhere to go..I feel I’ve made some progress today and got he cogs moving in terms of exploring my options thankyou all. I’ll keep you updated.
A XXX

[Ariana]

Thankyou so much for the messages… really great to know there are people out there that really truly understand me and can relate to what im saying and have lived through this and come out the other side..it really does give me a glimmer of hope. I agree the comment about doing 30 years has really stuck in my head..but sadly thats not the worst thing he has said or indeed done. theres awful things hes put me and the kids through for example driving at 100mph plus down some country lanes in the dark whilst we were away on holiday i had a tiny baby and toddler in the back me and my toddler were both screaming in terror it went on for hours..ive never told anyone that..but its all written down. ive tried to block it out i think..but ive had nightmares ever since. theres more i could go on and on. for me i feel calling the police is absolutely out the question im just too scared!!!! id have to be so sure he could never get near me again. in his world calling the police is the worst thong anyone could ever do… but i take strength knowing that my whole life will not have to be lived in his world. As i said i have got a diary of everything hes been doing for the past 2 years..so when the times right i want justice to be served!! thanks so much for the replies ladies..it really has been my beacon of light knowing i can post on here xxx A xxx

[Ariana]

Thank you ,its usefull to know who i can turn to.. something thats been haunting me for a while now…ive had a comment from someone ive confided in that has been through a similar scenario to me ; they said that in a court of law when it comes to custody of the children/social services involvement i will be told that i have failed for the last few years to protect my children from psychological harm by not staying away. This has really laid heavy on my shoulders.. but i am in psychological turmoil myself, i have been on antidepressants for a few years now, i have nightmares ect and i’m being manipulated into staying through false hope, guilt , fear many other things. I can see clearly what is happening to me..yet i’m searching for strength to actually do something substantial about it. its just ridiculous and i am actually ashamed of myself!

A xxx

[Ariana]

Thank you I want me back..your a n inspiration you really are! i’m so happy that your still feeling the benefits of being away!I can relate to the feeling of wanting the relationship to end and not you..some days i see clearly and other days(especially when hes around) i feel its an immovable mountain.. i know as a mother its our job to burden our children’s emotions.. and i can see the damage its causing them. I have felt the extra confidence when i’ve left before.. but somehow he always gets into my brain.. i’m doing a very intense degree course at the moment and he knows that i rely on him and his mum for childcare, he knows i’m a home bod i like my home comforts, he knows i want a family unit more than anything..he knows my weak spots he knows how to get to me. so if i stayed in this area for the sake of the support with childcare i just know he would always find a way to get at me. if i make the move back to my home town i have family and friends there, however i really feel that i would have to take a year out of my studies to settle the children into new schools new home ect and make sure they are stable and happy, i also wouldn’t have the extra strain of arranging childcare. Then maybe when i’m back on my feet, the kids are settled i can regain my studies. I have so many things whizzing round in my head everyday. I do know that as soon as i leave i need to change my number..shut down all social media and id definitely need a restraining order..as he often says that if i left him he’d do damage, he’d do 30 years in prison if he found out another man was in my life..he says he has a beast inside him and he knows hes capable of doing horrible things… hes scary..yet most people just see a gentle giant which is frustrating beyond measure. How would i go about getting a restraining order? thanks for listening xxxx

[Ariana]

Thankyou for the recommendation I’ve ordered one of the books. I spoke to a family member today openly and honestly and told them I just feel like I’m never going to get away that I need professional help. They were very supportive which felt great. The worst thing that sticks in my head and troubles me is a few friends have said that I must really love him to keep taking him back. I really don’t and cannot bear the thought of wasting my while life like this. I don’t know the way out. Xx

[Ariana]

Thanks guys I’ve heard that ita common to back and forth all the time its exhausting… I seriously thought this was it I was away I was calm I was rested but then i just panicked and scurried back to the rabbit hole as it were. It’s been proven to me over and over again that he reverts back to the same behaviour so I just cant understand it.. it’s like I have 2 brains one that works with me and one that works against me. Thanks for listening xx

[Ariana]

Thankyou for the advice I will log it with the gp and i have now blocked him. I have had a third party collect some belongings. I’m hoping he will get the picture that it’s real this time and I’m serious that I wont return home unless he moves out. …I keep having small flashes of feeling sorry for him but I know it’s just part of how hes filled me always playing the victim even though psychologically I feel helpless and unhappy and hopeless and hes never cared as long as his family hnit is sustained. He has called me evil and said I’ve plotted all this..saying I should just discuss it with him and go home like an adult instead of running away but he is so unreasonable that’s exactly why I’ve done this…this is literally a concept lost on him…he has reinvented himself as the most reasonable man on the planet. Hes a nightmare…above all I at least know I’ve made a step in the right direction! Xx

[Ariana]

Hi all thankyou for your replies…I’m in alot of pain today with my ear where he screamed unto it. I’ve taken the children to a safe place away from him… I messaged once I was away telling him that hes left me no choice I cant have the children exposed to this anymore it’s been going on years. I feel surprisingly numb about the whole thing. I feel like I’m so used to dealing with terrible stuff I’ve turned into some sort of robot. I’ve brought nothing with me as I didn’t want him to suspect anything. I’ve had many messages blaming me for his behaviour last night as though his behaviour is somehow justified. Hes tried playing it down saying it was a minor disagreement and not to be silly to just return and talk things through (which I know from experience is a complete waste of time as he talks his way back in and after a few weeks I feel trapped and miserable again). Now I need to keep this mindset and not forget what hes put me through. Not allow the manipulatin to break the small part of me still here still fighting. I hope this is it for me now. I know it will be hard but anything is surely better than being back with him.x

[Ariana]

Thankyou he keeps barging into the room waking us up demanding a hug and fire me to tell him I love him and want to be with him he wint go out till I say it so I just have to say it. So de normalising…now I get bombarded with messages going in and on about the fact that he would die for me go to the ends of the earth for me that all couples argue and have drama.. that we will not be a couple that gives up. Hes made references that he will do 30 years in prison if I ever got with anyone else that he would always find me and kill the man. He says he lives me so much that’s why he gets so passionate. I’m the love of his life and he will kill himself if I leave

[Ariana]

Thank you beauty marked…I know i need to get out as a priority now… my head feels as though its whirling with emotions of fear mainly..the unknown.. i have left numerous times and each time he has bombarded me with so much love and so many promises and painted the ideal picture of how life will be but nothing ever changes permanently i always end up back in this unhappy place. I feel that everyone around mw thinks im pathetic for going back time after time but its so hard to break away and stay gone even though its all i want more than anything, peace and quiet, to be in control of my own life, to be able to enjoy my time without feeling on edge and being bombarded with calls and messages. He also constantly makes me commit to future plans such as holidays, weekends away with his family, tries to make me get a dog or a cat..i think this is his way of making me stay put. He also consistently asks me for sex, which i cant bear due to how my feelings have changed towards him..this is what upsets me the most..he will not drop it and recently kicked off so badly smashing the house up when i said i wasnt in the mood. He is the victim of me apparently because he now feels insecure because i dont want sex, ..he always is the victim of everything and life revolves around him. Always has. He has openly said if i ever get with anyone else there will be trouble and there will be trouble if i ever get a new partner near the kids. hes so dominating its scary. I feel if i tried to take legal action against him it would be pointless as he would just manipulate and charm everyone as he always does. xx

[Ariana]

Thanks kip I’m not in touch with anyone from the help lines or local womens aid organisation as I just feel so ashamed that this is happening. I’m in denial..but it’s bad and been going on years..this has become my normal…even though I know it’s not… I just always feel I can’t leave because of one reason or another I make excuses and constantly put on a brave face and sweep it all under the carpet. I have spoken to my gp and friends I also have kept a diary for the past 3 years and managed to record him shouting at me over the last few weeks. Xx

[Ariana]

I’ve been feeling suck to my stomach side it happened u know I should go..u keep ringing a relative who has said that by staying all the time I’m sending him the message that his behaviour is ok. I agree but it’s easy from the outside looking in to say just leave. I feel so trapped due to finances and I feel really beat down and literally don’t feel I have the energy to do anything about it anymore. Feel like I’m fading away. X

[Ariana]

I’m in exactly the same situati left my husband a number of times as years of his controlling nasty ways have driven me to the depths of despair… my mental health has suffered incredibly I’m not really sure who I am anymore..but each time I just kept returning believing he really would change and my children could live with their mum and dad and we would be one big happy family. That is never the reality..his false pleasantries to get us back and as soon as he is back the abuse starts. My phone has to be on silent in a pocket..every time I choose what to wear it has to have a pocket on to keep my on phone close..even though I’ve done nothing. He’s out all hours asking me to transfer him money for petrol but the car never has petrol in. I could go on forever..I want him gone can’t stand him even coming near me but I don’t know what to do or where to turn xxx

[Ariana]

Thank you for the reply I definitely need help and support to leave permanently I can’t tell my family about the violence in just too ashamed. I have previously been to the gp and it’s logged there and have thought about calling the police and trying to get him removed from the home but then he will still always know where we are..it’s not really physical violence I fear but more the emotional manipulative side. He becomes the victim of every situation. I will try to call the helpline and see what they say. Thanks again xx

[Ariana]

Hi hun…

I am also in a similar situation so have looked into this. There is something called a discretionary housing payment that councils do so in certain circumstances you can apply for this and they give you the deposit and first months rent to get you in a private property. Some will even consider covering moving costs. Contact you’re local housing benefits team they can help. Good luck xxx

[Ariana]

Hi …big hugs for you!!! I feel like you are describing what is going on in my mind at the moment..i think we tell ourselves things are ok because we want them to be but the reality is it’s not that’s why you/I want out because we know life can be better. I also think the fear of the unknown gets me whereas if I stay I know what to expect (it’s nothing good) but predictability makes you feel comfortable doesn’t it even amongst all the misery. I totally understand your comment about it consuming you and making you feel exhausted I feel the same but just imagine what a relief it will be to not have to feel like this anymore.look at the bigger picture you will all be happier in the end.i agree that you should make lists of all the reasons you are not happy so when you leave you can look back and be confident that you made the right choice xxx

[Ariana]

Hi Ayanna

I havnt rang anyone yet I just wouldn’t know where to start!! I have had a busy week with my little one starting school she seems so happy with all her friends and teachers which to be honest makes me feel like the brick wall has just got bigger!! I am thinking of going to see my gp but I’m worried about social services being involved? Refuge is an idea if the worst came to worst but I would rather stay with my mum in her sofa just think I’d feel safer… I’m trying to save as much money as possible. I have emailed my local council and enquired about discretionary housing payment and if I’d be entitled to it if I were to move I stated it was a delicate matter and I’d appreciate discression and they have sent a load of paperwork to my house to check I’m still entitled to the current housing benefits I get..im really ago bed they would do that!! I’m not 100% the 2 are connected but I’m pretty sure xx

[Ariana]

Congratulations to you onwards and upwards as they say xx

[Ariana]

Thanks for replying hun… It’s true so many mind games I have had all the tears after telling him the marriage is as good as over. All the promises that this time I will see he will change. All the affectionate text messages ECT. My friend has asked me to go to (detail removed by Moderator) with her one evening soon I have arranged for the children to be with his mum so he can’t spoil it for me by not coming home to have them. I havnt told him I’m going yet every time I try I just freeze I’m scared!! Because I havnt the energy to have to argue with him or have 100 questions. I do need to go to the go but worried they will get social services involved which I definitely don’t want ? Also mother in law is a (detail removed by Moderator)!!! (detail removed by Moderator) The refuge is an idea or to stay at my mum’s on the sofa with the children… I’m Hopi g i might qualify for a discretionary housing payment from The council to help with upfront costs for private rental. Thanks again xxx

[Ariana]

I have the same problem with my little girl in that she adores her dad which is great but he us always letting her down never returning from work to see see her and put her to bed she is constantly asking for him and getting upset. I think the key is to set you’re own boundaries so she always knows what to expect and how to behave with you ..we naturally want to protect them and it’s horrid you feel so helpless when we know something bad is Influencing them. Don’t ever think that you’re problems arnt bad enough the fact that you are on a forum like this speaks volumes…youre gut is telling you it’s not right. Well done for going to the doctors I keep thinking about it but I havnt got the courage yet!!!xx

[Ariana]

Thankyou for taking the time to read my story and replying… It’s such a relief to be able to share the complete truth..just writing it down helps… although my mum and his both know I’m unhappy and know how much he lies and goes out drinking I couldn’t share with them the worst of it although his mum is very aware of his temper and aggression. I feel like such a wimp and a pushover I have actually convinced myself that I don’t want to socialise anyway I suppose that’s a coping mechanism. I just want the easy life no drama but not at the cost of my freedom. The thing that makes me feel so conflicted is the promises he makes and the period of time when he’s try g to behave and making an effort. But you can bet you’re life as soon as he gets an offer to go to the pub he will go! And the next day he will apologise and promise never to do it again. Sometimes even suggesting that I’m being unreasonable by going on at him. It’s a full circle that repeats itself constantly. He will even say things like “I have so much respect for you for not leaving me or running to you’re mums” which I know is a load of rubbish to try to stop me from doing just that. If he had respect for me he wouldn’t do it in the first place. I shave been keeping a diary of his behaviour for some time as well to help me with divorce proceedings and my worry about him be g alone with the children. Thanks again x

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