Bingowashisname0

[Bingowashisname0]

I understand. This happened to me when I split from mine the first time… I was replaced so fast, and I was crushed. Just when I was beginning to feel free… it all came tumbling down. After almost (detail removed by Moderator) we got back together. The only reason I don’t regret it is because we had more beautiful children together. I felt stupid. But I couldn’t bare the idea of him with someone else… that someone else could make him happy like I couldn’t. I pretty much begged him back.
This time many many years later, we’ve split up. This time it’s different… I’m much stronger and I think I will actually feel sorry for his next woman (I believe he’s someone else already owing to all of his cheating).
You’re not stupid at all… they shape us to rely on them and believe we need them… that no one else will want us.
It’s easy for me to say because I’m starting to come out the other end, but try and stay strong. You deserve and will have so much better in your future.
Remind yourself that you’ve been almost brainwashed to feel this way. It will take time but you can move in from this lovely lady. Take care of yourself xxx

[Bingowashisname0]

Soulsearcher18 thank you for your reply, it really is that epiphany moment learning about it isn’t it? I will check that out. Thanks so much and best of luck xxx

[Bingowashisname0]

Amazing first steps Diverdi, that’s so good to hear. I can completely relate to your fears of people not liking you. You’ve made a brave move and it will continue to get better as your confidence grows. All the best to you lovely lady xxx

[Bingowashisname0]

I’m so pleased for you, and thank you for sharing. So many of us have such little hope or confidence we can live happier lives or even have those type of positive experiences because of how much has been taken from us. Please keep sharing when these things happen. I’m about to write a post too, I’m having an incredible week and I want people to know it’s possible.
Best of luck lovely lady xxx

[Bingowashisname0]

Thank you Better-days.
I understand what you are saying. And I know it will be the best thing all round for the kids to still have a positive perception of their dad… and to continue their excellent relationship.
I’m gradually moving out of the bitter stage (it comes and goes)… and now we’ve begun the journey of co-parenting, a lot of my initial anxieties about him turning the kids against me or trying to take them off me are going. I think I’m stronger than I gave myself credit for. In the last week, my parenting has never been so damn good… and I’m happy. The tension in the house has lifted and the kids seem happier too. A friend tried to reassure me early on that most men don’t have the same nurturing capacity woman do and there was no danger of him wanting to take the kids. I didn’t believe her… but oh my days. He’s been useless.. he’s made excuse after excuse not to have them, accused me of treating him as a babysitter (when I checked he was still ok to have them so I could go visit a friend… despite it being a day on the rota). The rota hasn’t been implemented hardly. And I know he struggles with the two youngest ones so they get returned early… like literally after 2 hours. It’s such a relief. And I’ve managed to keep my dignity about it all, especially round the kids… I say ‘daddies just really busy and misses you’, ‘daddy is just doing his best to get his new place sorted and safe for you’, ‘daddy is sorry he’s working so much but he loves you’. And I honestly think my older kids might be getting it… seeing me maintain dignity and positivity all the time.
I honestly feel stronger and a better person already… I wish I’d left years ago. But I’m going to make damn sure I make the most of thus new person I’m becoming.
Better-days, I hope things can work out for you as well. I understand the reasons why we stay and I completely get why you’re conflicted as to stay or go, it’s so hard. I was prompted into my epiphany when I discovered his cheating for the second time (and still had reservations and thoughts of ‘but it was my fault, I can be better’). And when I started to openly talk to a close friend about some of his behaviours a lightbulb turned on when she told me he had been gaslighting. The more I read, the more I realised and believed I’d been stuck in emotional abuse for all those years. I cried for hours. I re-lived everything and had a huge realisation of the extent of what I’d put up with. I kept focusing on that and the fact I wanted my kids to be raised around a happy mom, in a tension free home, a place they see good moods not bad. Those are the things which have focused me. I really hope you come through with a positive outcome… keep reminding yourself how strong you are… you don’t know it or believe it because they chip that away from you, but Better-days you will be fine in the end lovely. It will be tough at first but seriously you are amazing and will thrive. I know I’m still in very early days with all of this, but my realisations of inner strength are growing every day. I know this could be you as well.
I wish you so much luck and love along your journey. We’re here for each other. What ever you choose or achieve. Good luck and all the best xxx

[Bingowashisname0]

Sorry that this is happening to you. It’s a big question to ask and then act on. Only you can decide. Remind yourself you are worth so much more than how you’re being treated. You get one life. It’s taken years of up and down, wanting to leave… trying to make him happy… believing I was the one at fault all the time or being convinced everything was in my head. I managed to end the relationship almost (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago, and every day I question the decision. But the questioning gets shorter by the day… because I’m adamant that this time I will be strong and see it through because I know I’ve existed in a haze of unhappiness for so long… how is it for you? Do the bad days outweigh the good? Are you constantly believing you’re not good enough?
You’re taking the right first steps by getting support from people in similar situations. Most of us on here understand the hesitation to leave, that’s because of the clever way he’s manipulated you for so long.we know that there’s a wonderful loving side to our abusers. We appreciate that pull and desire to make things right and how it feels to just want everything to be happy… so much we drive ourselves crazy trying.
If you do decided to end the relationship, it will be hard, it will be painful, but keep your support network close and remember there’s lots of people who can relate and want to help.
I hope you can find peace in your choice. What ever you decide, take care and keep reaching out xxx

[Bingowashisname0]

I completely understand your statement about wanting to go back in time… this first part of breaking free is so conflicting in terms of emotions. I’m not quite (detail removed by Moderator) weeks out of it and every day I miss him. I yearn, I question my reality of events… then I talk to one or two trusted friends and I come crashing back down to earth and remember that there’s a seriously good reason I called it a day. In time those lonely scared thoughts and feelings will go, but this bit is tough I know. Surround yourself with support and positive influences. Keep reaching out on here, find a counsellor through local services (I’m finding talking to the right people really helpful). Remember to keep reminding yourself that eventually things will look up and you will have a good life that you really do deserve.
You get one life. You are worth having happiness. It feels scary and lonely now, but it won’t be forever.
Take care and look after yourself xxx

[Bingowashisname0]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment and feedback. It seems pretty conclusive. Like a lot of the people I’ve read through on here, it seems I just want to cling to that good side of him and help him become the man I thought he was. But I guess I’m kidding myself. Ultimately, our children are who are most important right now. I think I keep holding onto possible positive outcomes for them… but selfishly I also think for myself. I really must move one, get some help for me, and let him go and hope he’ll continue to be a great dad in whatever capacity he can.
Thank you all again xxx

[Bingowashisname0]

Hi,
I’ve just read your post and I’m so grateful for it.
This is my first time writing on this site. My split is just (detail removed by moderator). I’m in pain beyond anything I’ve ever experienced and I’m furious with myself for feeling like this. I miss him so much! But I have to keep reminding myself whenever I want to message those thoughts to him, of all the bad times and hurt. I have to remind myself I can’t go on being a victim. I see your words and know I’m not alone craving those few scraps of false happiness I’d get after we’d ‘make up’… and I look at my beautiful children and adjust my mindset to ‘they deserve a happy mom’. I guess it’s not unusual for the person on the receiving end to miss their abuser… after all, they were good at what they did. Don’t give in, (I’m saying this to me as much as you)… you’re worth so much more than what you’ve had to put up with. Surround yourself in positive people who love you for you and keep writing things down when you feel the urge to go back. You wouldn’t have left if it wasn’t the right thing to do. Love yourself. But also cut yourself some slack. I completely understand the yearning you’re having. But you’ve got this… you are worthy of a better life. Xx

 

[Bingowashisname0]

Thank you 1hotcoffee1 for a lovely reply. This forum has been a huge help for me. I hope that my recent experience brings a little bit of hope to others xxx

[Bingowashisname0]

I’m so glad you’re getting a chance to feel that glimpse of happiness and enjoyment! I really hope it works out for you in the end. I honestly never knew what a relief it would be or that I could have this positivity. Good luck and keep dancing xxx

[Bingowashisname0]

Thank you Better-days.
I understand what you are saying. And I know it will be the best thing all round for the kids to still have a positive perception of their dad… and to continue their excellent relationship.
I’m gradually moving out of the bitter stage (it comes and goes)… and now we’ve begun the journey of co-parenting, a lot of my initial anxieties about him turning the kids against me or trying to take them off me are going. I think I’m stronger than I gave myself credit for. In the last week, my parenting has never been so d**n good… and I’m happy. The tension in the house has lifted and the kids seem happier too. A friend tried to reassure me early on that most men don’t have the same nurturing capacity woman do and there was no danger of him wanting to take the kids. I didn’t believe her… but oh my days. He’s been useless.. he’s made excuse after excuse not to have them, accused me of treating him as a babysitter (when I checked he was still ok to have them so I could go visit a friend… despite it being a day on the rota). The rota hasn’t been implemented hardly. And I know he struggles with the two youngest ones so they get returned early… like literally after 2 hours. It’s such a relief. And I’ve managed to keep my dignity about it all, especially round the kids… I say ‘daddies just really busy and misses you’, ‘daddy is just doing his best to get his new place sorted and safe for you’, ‘daddy is sorry he’s working so much but he loves you’. And I honestly think my older kids might be getting it… seeing me maintain dignity and positivity all the time.
I honestly feel stronger and a better person already… I wish I’d left years ago. But I’m going to make d**n sure I make the most of thus new person I’m becoming.
Better-days, I hope things can work out for you as well. I understand the reasons why we stay and I completely get why you’re conflicted as to stay or go, it’s so hard. I was prompted into my epiphany when I discovered his cheating for the second time (and still had reservations and thoughts of ‘but it was my fault, I can be better’). And when I started to openly talk to a close friend about some of his behaviours a lightbulb turned on when she told me he had been gaslighting. The more I read, the more I realised and believed I’d been stuck in emotional abuse for all those years. I cried for hours. I re-lived everything and had a huge realisation of the extent of what I’d put up with. I kept focusing on that and the fact I wanted my kids to be raised around a happy mom, in a tension free home, a place they see good moods not bad. Those are the things which have focused me. I really hope you come through with a positive outcome… keep reminding yourself how strong you are… you don’t know it or believe it because they chip that away from you, but Better-days you will be fine in the end lovely. It will be tough at first but seriously you are amazing and will thrive. I know I’m still in very early days with all of this, but my realisations of inner strength are growing every day. I know this could be you as well.
I wish you so much luck and love along your journey. We’re here for each other. What ever you choose or achieve. Good luck and all the best x*x

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