Confusedgirl

[Confusedgirl]

It is so so hard. My biggest mistake was not going no contact, or low contact, I can see that now.

His manipulation was at its worst, he was constantly accusing me of cheating, placing ALL blame on me for the marriage breakdown, constant put downs on how –
I’m controlling
Its me who’s abused him
He has had a awful few years with me
Everything is about me, and HE is tired of it

When all the time it was me that had to plan, save, budget, clean, cook, run around as if i didnt, noting would get done. Then when i left it was ME that was controlling, and i took over everything. The manipulation and blame constantly made me so unwell, i ended up hating myself.

He was the one that cheated, yet Its me that had to delete all the men off my social media to make HIM feel better. I am ashamed of myself, of what ive become. My needs dont matter at all, because its all about him. Constantly.

Its so so draining and honestly i feel like i’ll never do better than him, like it is me who is the issue.

Biggest regret, is panicking after i found out about his affair and returning home. I wish i had gone no contact and stayed in my rented house 🙁

I will get out one day, ive lost all respect for him but the trauma bond is so strong xxx

[Confusedgirl]

Hello Hunny

My ex husband was the same. Wouldn’t take no for a answer, sexual coercion, gas lighting, very verbally nasty to me.

Anyway, it took me (detail removed by Moderator) years to get out with my children. I left (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago. I was a broken woman, my self worth and confidence was in the gutter. I was having panic attacks, weight loss, isolated from friends, and if i did go out i was ignored for days after.

They DONT change. I gave him so so many chances, he would change for a few weeks and then it would all start again.

The only way forward is to leave and start healing and building your self worth and confidence back up. I know this is so hard to do. It took all my strength to leave, but i knew if i didn’t i probably wouldn’t be here to see another year.

LOVE DOESNT HURT, love is kind, calm, gentle

Please be kind to yourself and try and get out xxx

[Confusedgirl]

Iam the same hunny. I am ashamed to say, i even rented a house, started to furnish it, and ive stayed 🙁

So i am now paying for a house i dont live in, i haven’t even slept there yet. (Detail removed by moderator).

I am not ready, when i tried to leave it was very very traumatic. The trauma bond is strong and i was physically ill. I have accepted that im not ready right now, but i WILL be one day soon. My parents have been fab, and they know im going to go one day..

Please be kind to yourself.

I was love bombed to extreme when i tried to leave, treated like crap, gas lighted, manipulated, then tears and crying for him to have another chance. it is torture and unless we are ready and strong its so hard.. So maybe not now, but one day we will be strong enough xxxx

[Confusedgirl]

I am in the same boat hunny. I have had a rental house for (removed by moderator) months, have it all ready to go, yet i cannot leave. He went away for (removed by moderator) days and i was due to take my things, however i was distraught for the (removed by moderator) days, having panic attacks, i just couldn’t do it 🙁

He came back, full of tears, was sorry and i gave in!!!! So i am still here, he is now on the nice cycle, i have a house that is sitting empty and i feel awful.

Im going to get xmas out of the way, see how it goes, then new year maybe make my move. If not i will have to pack the new house up and sell all the new furniture etc.

I feel so ashamed, so guilty as my parents helped me so much and now ive stayed. It eats away at you.

Just know your not alone, i totally understand. Its so hard to leave xx

[Confusedgirl]

Hunny i am in the exact same boat as you.

I rented a house (detail removed by Moderator) month ago, furnished it, its ready but i cant go!! The trauma bond is so strong, i have felt physically unwell.

Mine is the same, extremely manipulative, gas lights me, twists everything onto me, denies the abuse, says its me abusing him. Love bombs me after a argument, to show how nice he is, and its me whos the one in the wrong..

I hate him, but i cant leave, i cant find the strength.

I have a womens aid support worker, but they dont do much ill be honest. Its so hard i know, really hope you get out xxxx

[Confusedgirl]

Thank you 🙂

I have women’s aid supporting me, and they have been fab to be honest, however it has/is so hard to break away.

It’s not just the sex, I understand that he has needs/wants and sex is important for a relationship. Its the way he uses sex to manipulate me, to end a argument, the constant sexual remarks when he can see im visually distressed. The threats of rape, groping/touching me when i have said no. I have felt violated over the years and definitely been manipulated into sex so many times.

Its the name calling, then denying it, the aggression with the children, having to walk on eggshells due to not being able to bring any issues up as he will gas light and twists things, so i end up feeling awful. I dont bring up issues anymore, no in-depth conversations, no secrets, no worries. just plodding along doing everything for the family, knowing this is my life now..

After all these years, its all i have known. Its normal to me, this daily life of no help, struggling doing it all, wokring and studying, cant bring up issues, cant point out things that go wrong.. I know theres a better life waiting for me, but i cannot seem to go. I feel worthless, like i can do no better than this.. Self esteem has been eroded to nothing..

it is so hard to take that leap. I dont know why but i cant decide.. stay and live this life forever, or go and start again.. feels such a huge decision x

[Confusedgirl]

This is me to. I want out, i have so many chances to leave, houses offered to me, yet he has worn me down so much i have ended up staying.
All my body says to leave, to go, but taking that step is so so hard.
I am currently looking for accommodation for me and my sons, however finding it so hard to rent anywhere as i am a (detail removed by Moderator) and have no income technically. Hoping a council or housing association house comes up for me.

I know its hard, but please take this opportunity to get out, be brave, be strong, and it will all be worth it.. i am right behind you hopefully, to a better life xx

[Confusedgirl]

Yes me
I have been playing pretend for years sadly, however i have been offered houses and then turned them down as he was able to manipulate me into staying, i regret every house i have let go.
Now i have saved a significant amount of money secretly, I have a domestic violence support worker, on housing lists, have been and viewed private rentals, all without him knowing.
I have also enquired about a safe house, but i really dont want to go down that road. I am hoping and praying i can get a property soon and get out.
I am dealing with extreme emotional abuse, very very bad gas lighting, twisting everything i say, extreme hot and cold behaviour off him, name calling then being nice to me. (detail removed by Moderator) ill be honest, but today i feel stronger. I hate him so much, bit feel totally trapped.
I have (detail removed by Moderator) who i need to house and look after, im a (detail removed by Moderator) so no income really, but i know i cant stay.
Right here with you, do it all in secret, get a house, get the keys and go..
Ill sleep on the floor with my (detail removed by Moderator) if needs be xx

[Confusedgirl]

Yeh it’s so draining isn’t it..

I stayed in a refuge over (detail removed by Moderator) months ago, and after staying there for (detail removed by Moderator) days I went home.. then my health visitor came to see me the week later and was asking about it 🙁 I thought it was confidential to.. she said she would come back every month to check on us all etc, she came back once and I never heard back off her

This time tho, I never actually went to a refuge. Just rang and they said they didn’t have any room…

I’m so worried and stressed out over it. It’s a awful feeling isn’t it. If she brings it up I’ll have to admit I rang them won’t i?

The constant worry and stress is getting me down now. I feel I can’t even ring them anymore as it’s not confidential 🙁 xxxx

[Confusedgirl]

Hi Tiffany, thankyou for replying.

I have been on forums reading up etc, for around 2 years. I’ve rung women’s aid for advice, I rang there last week to ask about a refuge place and now my health visitor has just rung asking to come and see me for my toddlers (detail removed by Moderator) check 🙁 I really hope that’s a coincidence, as I thought women’s aid were confidential..

It’s so confusing isn’t it.. I feel all over the place mentally and emotionally. My weight is dropping fast, I can’t eat a lot. I can’t really think straight. Yet I get up, go to work, take care of my 3 boys aswell as his daughter who he has full custody of.

I just can’t forget or forgive him for saying I abuse my son, then twisting it around on me all day long. It’s hurt me so bad this time. I’m not sure why. Every other time I just let it go but I’m so hurt.
He’s constantly texting, ringing saying I seem “off” asking if things are ok with “us”… being really loving and nice saying he worships me..
but this time last week I was the most shittest mum and wife ever who shows her husband no respect..
I have a house rented. I should be able to get the keys this week or next, my dad says he will help me get out..
so why can’t I decide? Why can’t I go? Why am I thinking I’ve over reacted and it was just a argument..

I’m so unhappy 🙁 xxxx

[Confusedgirl]

Thanks starmoon 😊

I have met his ex, the woman has hounded me since we met, she’s called me and my children awful names, tried To get me sacked from my job, if I see her out an about she will ring social services (because her daughters under them) and make up complete lies 😢 she’s been diagnosed with bipolar and multiple personality disorder, but to me she seems a massive narcissist, the woman is literally insane and extremely dangerous… BUT I can only imagine how they were together, they used to fight and then make up, split up, nag each other to get back and the whole process would start over again..
I’m not allowed anywhere near her, the police have advised me against it because of what she’s been doing.. I don’t understand why he was with her in the 1st place but I think in reality they were made for each other, they both seem to love the toxic environment..

He’s full of apologises 😢 he left but then last night said he would have to sleep in his van after a night shift as he has nowhere to go, I felt terrible so he’s sleeping in his daughters bed (he’s still there now)
I’ve told him I want space and some time alone but he says he has nowhere to go 😢
He’s constantly ringing in tears, texting me saying he’s been a idiot etc.. But my hearts been ripped out and I can’t look at him the same anymore, I don’t want him here, but I don’t want him and his daughter on the streets either, it’s so difficult 😢 xxxxx

[Confusedgirl]

It’s completely confidential I think hunny, well from what it says in the guidelines etc anyway 😊

I’m worried about social services to but they actually encourage you to use these websites etc to get help as it’s all confidential..

I’ll try and help you as much as I can as I’m sure the others on here will to hunny. It’s good to let it all out xxx

[Confusedgirl]

Thanks confused123 ❤️

I think I’m at the stage where I can’t really believe it’s all happened still. Yesterday he was distraught saying he didn’t want to lose me and that he knows I deserve to be happy 😢 it’s making me think it’s just a bad patch, just a blip as he’s not a bad man..

But then I know from others on here it just usually escalates 😢

I’m so glad and thankful for this site xxxx

[Confusedgirl]

Oh Hun 😢 sending massive hugs to you

Nobody deserves that all at and it’s disgusting behaviour especially infront of the children to 😢

I haven’t actually got any advice as I’m going through the same myself, my husband hasn’t been that physical yet tho, but he has huge anger and temper issues. He’s been crying saying he will get help, go to counselling. And I want to give him a chance, a chance to change, as do you with your husband I bet.

Do you want him to stay and try to get better? Or do you feel deep down he won’t change? 😢

I’m new here but a lot of the survivors say their partner never changed and the abuse got worse.

I’m here if you need to chat tho xxxxxxx

[Confusedgirl]

If pushed I think he would leave the house with his daughter, and look to rent somewhere else..

He’s begging to make it work (I’ve asked him for space) that he will get counselling and he will prove himself to me.

I’m devastated 😢 I love this man with all my heart, the last (detail removed by moderator) months I don’t know what’s happened to us. Or how we got to this. Looking back he has always been a bit controlling and needy but nothing at all that would make me think this would happen.

I agree completely it’s unhealthy for the children to be around this, or even when they are in bed, and we think they don’t hear they probably do 😢

Part of me wants to believe it’s a bad patch, it’s a blip in our marriage but then my hearts telling me why would a man that apparently worships you threaten you with rape? 😢

I feel so down about it all, If he moves out I think it will give me Clarity..

Do they ever change? Can this really just be a bad patch? Xxx

[Confusedgirl]

Thankyou so much for replying 🙂 it means the world to me.
I’m seeing a counsellor and he states I’m in a abusive marriage and my husband is co dependant on me and it’s not real love.
He is otherwise almost infatuated with me, constant texts declaring his love, our love, soul mate quotes etc. If I’m in a bad mood he says I don’t love him etc 🙁
It’s only when we argue that it ends up getting nasty and the abuse starts..
I’m not this person, the person who hits, who says mean things. My counsellor says he’s dragging me into his bad energies and I’m mirroring him.
I know I’m to blame sometimes, causing arguments over nothing, it’s just I feel so miserable and like I can’t stand to be around him.
His ex says he’s a control freak and they both have a toxic and abusive relationship, social services said if they were still together his daughter would of been put in care..
I can see now how they worked, they are both as bad as each other.
What he was like with her is now what he’s like with me (tho not as extreme,yet)

I’m so worried about my children getting removed off me, even tho it’s been the 1st ever incident that the Health visitor knows about 🙁

I just don’t know what to so anymore.. He’s says he will get help for his temper and anger but I don’t know if it’s to late now xxx

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