Copperflame

[Copperflame]

Thank you ladies. Well I rumbled him and he’s blocked me!!!

I messaged him to explain that domestic abuse it isn’t just physical abuse, but psychological abuse as well; the yelling, the rages, the threats, the intimidation, the assaults on self-esteem, the breaking things, the smashing things, the name calling, the mind games, the messing with your head, the manipulation and the gaslighting etc, etc. This was what caused deep and lasting emotional wounds.

I reminded him about his GBH conviction, pointing out that violence is a choice and there is no excuse for committing an offence no matter how angry you are.

His response was to block me, so that says it all doesn’t it!!

I feel so empowered! It’s thanks to all the support from WA, all you lovely ladies on here and all the other organisations I’ve had support from, that I’ve been able to recognise the red flags and early warning signs, as well as the hidden meaning behind what the abusers says.

Love and light to you all 🙂 xxx

[Copperflame]

Hi KIP and thanks for replying.

I agree entirely about the GBH. To be charged with GBH he must have inflicted a pretty serious injury. The CPS would not have made that charge unless there was solid evidence and a realistic change of getting a conviction. Yet he tells me he’s not violent?

I had a message from him saying he’d had depression in the past, but he read a book and fought his way out of it. As if depression was something so trivial that it could be cured by reading a book. Really??

I don’t like that he was annoyed with me for not telling him sooner. Surely that’s up to me to decide? There certainly wasn’t any attempt on his part to understand and sympathise with my experience.

I haven’t dated in a while, so at the moment dating to me feels like standing on the water’s edge and tentatively dipping your toe in. Then becoming accustomed to the feel of the water before venturing in further. Yet he’s saying we’re soulmates and he wants a long term relationship with me without even having met me!! I’m afraid a long term relationship is like swimming the deep end, and I’m not even ready to swim yet (metaphorically, I can swim really!).

Oh and he also said that he’s a strong man and that I need a tough man to see me through thick and thin, as if I was a weak and feeble woman – haha. I found myself chuckling at that 🙂

He does know what town I live in but no more than that. I think I will let him down gently. I haven’t replied to his last message yet. Thanks again.

[Copperflame]

Oh and he tells me he’s not violent but a cuddly softy, but it’s not only the physical violence is it? It’s all the psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual and financial stuff as well.

Do I just block him?

[Copperflame]

Thanks Ladies,

Having thought about it some more, I’ve decided not to contact her because I don’t want to risk my safety knowing what these men are capable of.

A while ago I helped a friend, who was desperate and in dire need, to get to a place of safety. She wasn’t aware her perp had put a tracker on her phone, but then my car was damaged and I had to spend money I could ill afford to put it right. I couldn’t prove it was him, but what happened has made me very wary.

I’m even toying with the possibility of moving even though I like where I live, because I don’t feel safe any more and worry that her perp could target me again.

I’m going to put this incident behind me. What it has taught me is I need to tighten up my boundaries when it comes to men. xx

[Copperflame]

Hi Colouringinfairy,

What a relief for you that he has been charged! Hopefully he’ll plead guilty to spare you the trauma of going to court.

This is probably quite a difficult and traumatic time for you and no doubt your emotions are all over the place, but it’s good that the justice system has acted properly and I hope you are now safe.

Love and light, Copperflame xx

[Copperflame]

Well I’ve been unfortunate enough to have been involved with two abusers and I gave them both numerous chances. The sad thing is we have been conditioned to put their needs first and often don’t even recognise that we have needs as well. Or that our needs and feelings are just as important as theirs.

I think it’s important to prioritise your own feelings. Abuse can make you feel unhappy, depressed, fearful, worthless, frustrated, full of self-doubt, mistrustful and lonely. I’ve never yet met a woman who was happy in an abusive relationship because there’s always a sense that something is not right, even if you don’t realise that what’s happening is abuse.

I stayed with my first abuser for much longer than he deserved. I think this was because it had been drummed into me from an early age that you don’t walk out on a marriage but you try to make it work. So I felt that being unhappy wasn’t a good enough reason to end a marriage. It was only when he had an affair that I felt I had good reason to end it. Similarly I stayed with my second abuser for way too long and put up with repeated betrayals before my mental health became so bad that I knew I had to leave to save my sanity.

What I can say is that I have never regretted leaving either relationship. It has not always been easy and sometimes I’ve felt lonely, but at least I’m free to live as I want, eat what I want, spend what I want, invite who I want and be my own person.

As for unhappiness, we only have one life and I’m sure that the older you get the faster time flies. Life’s too short to spend it with someone who mistreats you.
xx

[Copperflame]

I’ve been wondering about my safety if I were to tell her, and I don’t know if I could do so anonymously.

A friend fled a violent relationship and I helped her get to a place of safety. What neither of us realised was that her perp had put a tracker on her phone, and the night after I took her to the safe place, I woke up next morning to find my car had been damaged. I did report it but there was no evidence it was him. However I’ve been paranoid about my car since then. Unfortunately this guy saw my car and has a rough idea where I live, so on reflection I’m not going to take the risk. I will inform the site though. Thanks KIP.

[Copperflame]

Hi Wildcard,

The way he is treating you is definitely emotionally abusive and I’m glad you’ve found this forum for support. KIP has given you some very wise advice and contacting WA is a very good start to getting some support. I would recommend you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, which gives an excellent account of the myriad of controlling, coercive and abusive tactics that abusers use. Also Google domestic abuse/emotional abuse/controlling behaviour, as there are lots of websites out there which describe abuse.

Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse can be hard to recognise, because sometimes it can be quite subtle and all you know is that something is not right. Abuse affects the way you feel and a classic symptom that you describe is that you feel you are “walking on eggshells”, because you are worried about his reaction. Another symptom is you often feel guilty, even when you’re doing something perfectly legitimate. Feeling confused is another symptom, because the abuser plays mind games and messes with your head (a tactic known as Gaslighting) As KIP says, depression is very common in women who are experiencing abuse too. Feeling alone in the relationship is another common symptom, because the abuser expects you to meet all his needs while discounting your needs. Abusers are very self-centred and feel entitled to your undivided attention, hence while he’s happy to talk about himself all the time, he isn’t interested in what you have to say, thus making you feel your opinion is worthless.

Accusing their partner of cheating is something many abusers do, but abusers who make these accusations do so because they are usually cheating themselves and assume you’re doing the same!

Both of my exes were emotionally abusive, but with ex No. 1, it took a while for it to sink in that the way he was treating me was abuse. Ex No. 2 used slightly different tactics and was very manipulative, so it took me a while to recognise that he was abusive too.

Take care and keep posting.
Copperflame xx

[Copperflame]

From what I understand, some abusers can have ‘feelings’ for their partners, but it’s not love as we see love, but is a very twisted view. For a start, abusers don’t like women and harbour a deep disrespect for them – and how can you love someone whom you disrespect, view as inferior and regard with hostility and contempt?

An abuser’s idea of a relationship is very, very different from ours. For a start, they are very self-centred and feel entitled to have everything their own way, so there’s no give and take as there would be in a healthy relationship. This may sound brutal, but the abuser’s aim when he meets a women he’s attracted to, is to ‘train’ her to become his devoted servant, who will take care of all his needs and not have any of her own. He feels entitled to use and exploit all her good qualities and all of her resources – financial and emotional. To ensure that she will not leave him, he gains access to her inner world to get inside her head, to gain control of her mind and manipulate her emotions. He deliberately and intentionally works to destroy her self-esteem, self-confidence and he self-worth, to ensure she is too weak to ever leave him. He works to isolate her from her family and friends to deprive her of outside support and from people’s opinions who differ from his, and who may threaten his control. Sometimes, he will act kindly and lovingly towards you because if he was horrible all the time, you would not stay. Sadly, the love and kindness is not genuine, but a manipulative tactic to keep you hooked into the relationship. He enjoys the power he gets from this. He loves causing you distress because it makes him feel powerful. If he can get you to doubt yourself, he feels great. He cares nothing about the hurt and distress he causes you, because in his mind, only his feelings matter.

Healthy people don’t try to destroy the ones they love; they uplift and support them. In contrast, the abuser’s view of love is about power, control and exploitation -it’s certainly not love as we see it.

I’m glad you’ve found the support of this forum as it’s the first step towards gaining your freedom. Leaving an abusive relationship is very hard and you may have several false starts, but every step you take – however small – is in the direction towards freedom.

Lots of love, Copperflame xx

[Copperflame]

To be honest I’m quite happy being single. I have plenty of interests and I don’t feel lonely – in fact, I like living on my own because it means I can do what I like in my own space.

Tiffany, these men don’t think as we do. They’re entitled and have a completely different perspective about what a relationship means. From now on it’s zero tolerance and absolutely no benefit of the doubt. As you’ve mentioned, you can normally pick up red flags in their messages, but this one was clever and flew under my radar. I’m still annoyed at the fake profile picture and next time I’m going to ask for more pics and ask more questions. Hopefully the next one will be nicer xx

[Copperflame]

When I first met my ex, he came across as self-centred and I detected a slightly superior attitude, but I liked him so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Since then I’ve learned to my cost that self-centredness and a superior attitude towards women are characteristics of abusers.

In the beginning he love-bombed me, but he also made the occasional disparaging comment which I dismissed at the time because everything else was so positive.

From now on my mantra is never to give the benefit of the doubt!

[Copperflame]

(detail removed by moderator) is breaking the law and in the context of an abusive relationship, should be taken extremely seriously as leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. Also his behaviour is very coercive and controlling which is also breaking the law.

The police have a duty to protect both you and your children and to keep you all safe, especially the children. As the others have advised, please tell the police everything. The abuse is not your fault, but is entirely the responsibility of the abuser. You don’t deserve to be treated like this or to have him make you sick with anxiety.

If you want to leave, a refuge could be the answer for you and your children. You’ll get support and they’ll help to rehouse you. I left my ex to come to a refuge many miles away, and it was the very best thing I ever did.

Lots of love, Copperflame xx

[Copperflame]

Hi Upsidedowninsideout,

I agree entirely with Lisa and Iwantmeback that your partner sounds very abusive and you are not the abusive one in this relationship. In all abusive relationships there is a power differential where the abuser holds all the power and disempowers you by using an arsenal of controlling tactics to keep you in the one-down position. Sometimes when feeling frustrated by the abuser’s behaviour or during arguments, the abused partner can react and behave in ways that they wouldn’t normally do. However this is a very understandable reaction to the abuse and doesn’t make you an abuser.

The way your partner has been treating your daughter is, as Lisa says, completely unacceptable and amounts to physical and emotional abuse, which is very distressing for your child. You’ve mentioned that your partner seems really hurt, but think about all the hurt and emotional pain she has inflicted on you and your daughter. Abusers are by nature very manipulative, and I doubt she’s feeling as hurt as she makes out. Rather, I suspect she’s manipulating you by causing you to feel guilty. I very much doubt that she feels any guilt or remorse about the way she has treated you, because abusers are not only very self-centred, but also lack empathy. It’s all about them and their feelings, never yours.

Leaving an abusive relationship is really hard and you’ve done very well to set that boundary because you need to protect your daughter. You neither need nor deserve all this pain in your life.

Love and light, Copperflame.

[Copperflame]

He’s still trying to control you using the children and his contact with them. He’s messing all of you around and playing mind games to exert his power. You don’t mention if there is a Child Arrangements Order made in the Family Court, but if there isn’t an order and he doesn’t seem to want to bother with them, then I would be inclined to leave things be until he shows more interest. Any father who abuses his children’s mother is not a good father, even if he has his good points. I know this can be difficult because the children probably love their father and want to spend time with him, but the downside is that he can try to turn them against you, which is actually a form of emotional abuse and is harmful to them.

Obviously if there is a court order, your situation is slightly different, but if he isn’t sticking to the contact arrangements, you are well within your rights to bring the case back to court and ask to have the current order varied to make reflect your current situation.

Sadly abusive men enjoy causing distress to their partners and ex partners because they enjoy the feeling of power it gives them. They’re very conscious of the ‘nice-guy’ image they present and part of building up that image is to imply to others that you’re a bad mother and he’s a great guy. if he can get you to doubt yourself then all the better in his mind. Abusers love drama and they love to inject intensity into their interactions with you. If you can try not to let yourself become pulled into all his drama and intensity and stick to the point. Also try not to engage in any kind of discussions with him because it only feeds his behaviour. He won’t give your point of view any credence however sensible, it is because in his mind you are still an inferior woman whose views don’t matter.

Yes the late night messages are being deliberately sent to stress you out and interfere with your sleep. Abusers love to stress you out and know that they’re in your head. You might want to think about putting your phone on silent at night time, or switching it off so that his incoming messages don’t disturb you.

Have you thought of getting another number for general use and keeping a number just for him to arrange child contact? xxx

[Copperflame]

I’m feeling very angry at the moment; with him for being arrogant, entitled and devious, and with myself for being duped. As it was my first date in a very long time I was quite excited and looking forward to it and I think I let my guard down a bit – lesson learned!

On the other hand, I wasn’t to know his profile picture was fake (it never occurred to me that someone would use a fake pic), nor could I have known he was married. I suspect his discomfort in the pub could have been a control tactic to get me to do what he wanted, which was to go to the beauty spot. As we’ve probably all experienced, abusers are experts at creating an uncomfortable atmosphere when they don’t want to do something.

I was very taken aback when we met because I was expecting to meet someone who looked like his photo. Tbh he looked very slobbish and I felt put off. I still feel very violated because he grabbed me without warning and started kissing me, then tried to go further before I pushed him away – the arrogance of the man thinking he could do that to a woman he barely knew when he was such a slob!

Tiffany, what a s**mbag asking you out and then spending time playing with slot machines. That shows a very arrogant, entitled and disrespectful attitude. I believe you can have your ears pinned back on the NHS if it’s causing you distress. I hate that these men are so predatory and think they are God’s gift to women, as well as having unbelievable cheek. I’m glad that you’ve since met someone decent with whom you feel safe and comfortable.

Lavenderrose, it’s interesting how we don’t always listen to our gut instinct or we somehow try to rationalise their behaviour even when we sense that something is “off”. My ex came across as very self-centred right from the start, but he seemed nice otherwise so I gave him the benefit of the doubt – big mistake as it turned out. He was also very secretive and I later found out that he’d lied about a lot of things. Yet when you’re the kind of person who wants to see the good in people – as most of us are – it’s hard to believe that there are people out there who are callous, devious, dishonest, selfish, arrogant, entitled and exploitive. It’s just a shame that there are so many of these predators around.

I’ve realised that I need to tighten up my boundaries and even become quite ruthless when talking to men online from now on.

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