Doris

[Doris]

I think that this situation is drama, drama, drama, and they love it. But it terrifies their selfish ego because they might be harmed. It is all about them – then they lash out and we’re the nearest thing. I am so, so sorry for everyone coping with this. Hard enough under normal circumstances but when you also have to cope with the aggression, belligerence and selfishness under ‘house detention’ it’s even harder.
Sorry to be a bit negative but I just want to say I totally get where you’re coming from Random.
Keep safe everyone.

[Doris]

I no longer believe anything my husband says or has ever said.
He constantly twists the truth, not downright lying just dramatising his version. I am accused daily of behaving in the ways that he has actually behaved. Unfortunately, some people will always believe the abuser. His cousin has actually said I was ‘mentally ill’ – I have no idea what he told her (and neither do I care). Of course it is hurtful – we don’t want others to think badly of us. I wonder if the abuser really convinces themselves that they are abused. It is only via forums like this that we can truly understand that the blame really does not lie with us.

[Doris]

Hi, sounds just like my husband – did they go to the same school? My H is trying to be ever so nice but every so often the ‘snarls’ start when he talks to me like Mr. Hyde almost as though he is testing the water. Yes, how can someone who professes to love their partner talk to them so badly and disrespectfully? I do not get that either.

And you are not a fraud. My husband has never raised a hand against me, it is all emotional manipulation. I am finding that the more I find out about his ‘personas’ the more empowered I become. Apart from shouting at me what will he do? He is just a big bully but that does not mean we must accept DA just because emotional damage is seen as somehow less abusive than physical. What utter tosh. It messes with your head and physical health so you need to take care of yourself.

I no longer bail him out with other people he argues with. I am not his social manager and I am not responsible for his happiness. I do not prepare dinner if I do not feel like it. I refuse sex which I find quite repulsive at the moment ie. sex to keep the peace is not an act of mutual love and respect. I have savings that he is unaware of and attend a group that believes my version of our relationship. Although he constantly surprises me with different manipulation tactics usually associated with guilt – I know what he is up to and try not to take the bait. I say out loud – ‘I do not feel guilty’ and ignore his pitiful expressions and snidey comments. These are a few empowering home truths that come with the knowledge of DA.

So perhaps find a local group associated with WA that will support you. They will not regard you as a fraud.
I have also found that mindfulness helps. Sounds daft but the moment will pass although it feels like the world has caved in when you are constantly criticised, accused, belittled etc.
Take heart – you’re definitely worth it. XXX

[Doris]

Hi Lozzy
You had the strength to leave once and you will again. It’s not your fault that you gave him another try – I am continually doing it. You are a kind, compassionate and forgiving person and that is the reason why he wants to dominate you. Sadly it appears that he has not changed his behaviour and attitude and from what I have learned in the last six months he is unlikely to. Drugs and money issues, although worrying and negative, are not the reasons for his mood swings but are the excuses. Even if he was totally clean and you won the lottery his attitude and behaviour towards you would not change because he likes the power dynamics in your relationship that way.
Sorry if I sound pretty negative.
You are not a fool – positive affirmations are needed. I am just discovering that actually I am kind and generous of spirit and you are too. We are told too often that it is arrogant to have a positive view of ourselves such as ‘I am a compassionate person and I deserve more than this’. You really are worth more.
Take care. XXX

[Doris]

Sounds like they are taking advantage and making a profit out of somebody’s tragedy. What goes on in the minds of some people? Glad to hear you’re not taking up their generous offer – LOL. X

[Doris]

How encouraging – well done.

[Doris]

Sorry for the rant. I just get a little fed up of ‘victim blaming’. It is simply not black and white or one size fits all. People just don’t get it.

[Doris]

The comments fro this Katy person are just BS. Self-abusing – utter tosh.
Relationships where one person dominates another is about power dynamics. The dominator would not be able to dominate a person equal in power so they deliberately choose a partner/friend/colleague that does not share their mindset ie. every conversation must be a conflict that they win, every choice must be chosen by them etc. We’re not weak or self-abusing but kind, compassionate and generous which is why we’re constantly being bullied by selfish people.

[Doris]

I love that – one to remember – so true:
‘a man’s no is the end of the conversation; a woman’s no is the start of the negotiation’

[Doris]

It is the guilt trip that stops us saying ‘no’- we are or have been conditioned to feel guilt if we say no.
I read somewhere that shame is the most effective tool over all the emotions to manipulate and control.
As soon as I recognise feelings of guilt or shame about something I stop myself because I now recognise the guilt is all about manipulation and how we have been exposed to it.
People who really care would not give a fig if someone said ‘no’ to them. But it is about unlearning and the first step is to recognise the feeling of guilt because it is not always clear when it underlies a decision – if that makes sense.

[Doris]

Thanks for all the encouraging responses from the site – much appreciated.
I feel so much stronger these days although I do not have the courage to leave just yet for various reasons. Probably excuses I know.
I am not so angry these days. I guess I have just accepted that he deliberately uses horrible tactics to control, dominate and manipulate which in a strange way is empowering to me because, although devastating at first, I now know what his motivation is and everything makes sense – I am not over-reacting or inventing things.
He is being very non-confrontational at the moment but I know his way of thinking simmers just below the surface as there are no apologies or acceptance but just denials.
If/when the outrage and tirade happens it will almost be an admission of the DA. And hopefully my doubts over the word ABUSE will disappear.
Take care people. XXX

[Doris]

Landy, at least you know where you stand with him.
I challenged my husband about his Jekyll and Hyde personality and he (very angrily) denied this. It drives me up the wall too when people think he is so nice. It actually demonstrates he is well aware of his ‘loss’ of control when he has an outburst. He simply stabs everybody in the back when they are out of hearing range. His absolute lack of respect is in total contrast to his ‘public’ face. Consequently I deliberately keep people I know away from him. He had the cheek to have a pop at a few people I know (behind their back of course) because they did not invite HIM out ie. include him in their life. FFS.

[Doris]

Many thanks for your advice everyone. It appears that the changes in the divorce law, although desperately needed, are stuck in limbo.
I take on board what you say FTC and agree that he may well make life as difficult for me as possible and paint himself as the victim – he’s a master at that – no matter what the grounds for divorce are. However, I don’t feel that I should be a victim of ‘nastiness’ and although I will try to avoid this scenario I will wear boxing gloves and give as good as I get. I am really starting to toughen up now that the initial shock of knowing this behaviour is a deliberate act of control and I am no easy person for him to live with these days so he may go quietly. Possibly. Maybe. This website and the internet and books have armed me with knowledge. xxx

[Doris]

BTW – he has said he would accept a ‘no fault’ divorce. Again, whether he will or not if push comes to shove is another question.

[Doris]

Good Morning IWMB
As you know I am still trapped so cannot answer your question with the benefit of experience but I would hazard a guess and say your feelings are all normal.
This is such a dramatic change that your head will need space to accept your freedom from the ties of your old life. I would also say you must go no contact or you will be sucked back in because you are super vulnerable at the moment. Is there someplace you could go ie. just for a walk WITHOUT your phone so no temptation but just your door key as a reminder that you have unlocked your life.
If you are in a town or city visit a museum or a cinema simply to get away. How about doing the rounds of junk or charity shops – you can buy whatever you want now (within reason LOL)? Stop for a coffee, read local notices – is there a group near you such as an exercise or reading group you can join?
You need to build up networks just for yourself excluding your old life and they do not need to be to be connected with DA just offer normality and friendship. I play table-tennis and I am c**p. I also attend college (at my age?). Go to the Jobcentre – they might be able to signpost you to Adult Education groups etc. How about volunteering for half a day? Anywhere just to meet people and give your new life a chance.
Please do not give up – you have come so far. XXX

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