Ellen b

[Ellen b]

Thanks ladies
Serenity I felt the same relief that it wasn’t just me he abused..I suppose because there was still a little bit of me that blamed myself for what he did ..I also watched th TV programme behind closed doors took me ages to pluck up the courage to watch it and sat crying tho most of it holding my new partners hand but that also made me realise it’s not just me that had the wool pulled over my eyes xx

[Ellen b]

That’s what I’m trying to do it was a neighbour who had seen her he came over as soon as I pulled up in the car to pass on his news he did seem very disappointed when I didn’t really care I just said I’m not surprised and I don’t really care but they do seem to think that I’m interested in what he is doing xx

[Ellen b]

Iv been thinking a lot about when it all started ..I don’t know about you ladies but iv forgotten.. No that’s wrong buried..so much of what happened to me it’s only now that iv started to “remember” what he actually did yes there was the violence but there was so much more… the sulking and if you loved Me you would to get sex when and how he wanted it there was no stopping untill he’d finnished with no regard to my feelings to the point when it was just easier to lie back and think of England than to object but it didn’t start out like this when did change and why didn’t I notice..I have a new partner now and many times he says and does things, nice things and he’s like nobody’s said or done that to you before have they? because I don’t know how to react it’s like iv been reprogrammed to belive that live with my ex was the norm how did he do that???

[Ellen b]

Hon iv not really got any advice sorry but sending hugs hope your daughter stays safe xx

[Ellen b]

Hi can’t you get legal aid I didn’t have to pay full costs for my court orders

Xx

[Ellen b]

I know what u mean the more I read on here and books I just find myself going yes he did that wow they are all so alike and the worse one how could I not see what he was doing to me it’s all so obvious now… And yes I worry for the new women even tho she knows exactly what I went through with him and still had him back

Xx

[Ellen b]

Hi I’m too struggling with flash backs I used to have smaller more frequent memories is probably the best way to describe them but now iv shifted to fewer but very powerful flash backs where I am completely immersed in the memory I have no idea where I am or who I’m with all I know is the replay of the event ..today I had a particularly bad one triggered by my current partner just saying a few words I ended up cowering in the bedroom crying he came in to see if I was OK and all I saw was my ex he had to back out and come back in 2,3 times before I calmed down enough for him to touch me half an hour before I was calm …on a positive note I managed to talk about what had happened what I had seen and once I started talking I kept going telling him things about the attack he knew the basics but iv not felt able to fill in the blanks before ….my greatest fear is having one of these attacks at work so I really need to get this under control so any idea tips would be great… Iv got my 1st appointment with my support working soon so that’s another positive

Take care ladies xx

[Ellen b]

Thank you x
I’m getting better day by day some days very slowly but il not let him control me any more I may never be “normal” but iv made a start iv broken my silence it’s very scary but also very liberating
Take care xx

[Ellen b]

Thank you for your replies
I feel better and worse now iv started this journey of not burying my feeling and working through them iv got a support worker sorted and hopefully some councilling soon I just wish I’d done it sooner but things take time

Take care x

[Ellen b]

Thanks but I think it’s too late he can’t cope I did ring the help line and have sorted some counciling the freedom program is booked out till April it has got so bad in such a short time I tried to cope how I always have bottle it up put on a brave face and carry on but that bottle has blown up in my face I have hurt the man I love with all of my heart if only I’d asked for help sooner my life is such a mess

[Ellen b]

well iv had a nightmare day at work someone upset me completely unreleated and the flood gates opened luckily in the break room with a close colleague who knew some of the history I told her I wasn’t coping very well about the flash backs and panic attacks even that it wasn’t the first time he had hit me she said she had an idea it wasn’t but didn’t want to push the point, well its done some good iv just got off the fone with the agengy who the police put me in contact with after the attack and iv asked for help they are sorting me some 1 to 1 and put my name down for the freedom program I was on the fone for a good half hour iv finaly realised I cant keep this bottled up any more.
thank you to the ladies on here who have started me on this path
ellen xx

[Ellen b]

moon
sounds like u are the right person to offer advice we can roller coster together, just to know I’m not alone or going mad is a great help
xx

Ayanna
sounds like its something I should try I just have been hiding this for so long it scares me to think about telling people but as you say they have been there they will not judge me for staying so long.

people know he attacked me and was arrested etc it made the local papers so no keeping that quiet but they don’t know the back story of years of abuse the lies, and I have lied said it was the 1st time he has hit me down played it because I’m ashamed embarrassed how could I not know how bad it had really got I really didn’t have clue how bad he was treating me I even considered not pressing charges after the attack, was it really so bad ??this was when I was sat in a police station covered in bruises, with no shoes on because that’s how I managed to get out of the house, he had even dragged me out of the phone box while I was on the phone to the police he tried to drag me home so I could tell them everything was ok when the police got there .. it was the police woman who picked me up in the street who finally got me to see what was happening and that something needed to be done…but still I worry if things hadnt been taken out of my hands where I would be ?? still with him beliving his lies?? ..he was arrested and bailed to a differt address part of his bail conditions where that he couldn’t come home or contact me in any way ..his suspended jail sentence also came with 2 years restraining order again he is not allowed anywhere near me or contact me in any way so in a way it was made easy for me I didn’t have to listen to the sorrys, the its your fault, you made me, how will you cope with out me, how will I cope without you, what about the kids and with my friends support I finaly saw what he was

sorry for my rambling like I said its all coming bubbling out
xx

[Ellen b]

Hi I’m a newbie
I’m going through a bit of a rough patch its coming up to the anniversary of the attack that finally ended many years of abuse and I’m sure my head is going to explode I’m in the (detail removed by Moderator) which will see me leaving my family home of (detail removed by Moderator) years (my choice it is the place of too many bad memories) and moving in with my new partner ..my flash backs are back and seem worse then ever im so jumpy and i freak out so easily today in a cafe a man came up quite quickly to get the newspaper from the shelf behind me I froze and my poor partner is on egg shells around me he is very understanding and is one of the few people who know the whole story most just know of the final attack (detail removed by Moderator) doesn’t help when u trying to do what I’d done for years and put on that smile and pretend all is well…I have so many thoughts in my head I could do with Some way of siphoning them out..iv tried to write them down I’m sat crying don’t know where to start

[Ellen b]

Thanks fs
So many people didn’t have a clue my mum still doesn’t belive so I probably do deserve an Oscar ..the gp was supposed to be arranging counseling for me but its been sdo long iv given up ..I think you are right about hidden memories iv forgotten so much of what he did I suppose it was the only way to cope I had a really bad reaction to my new partner being behind me on the stairs he touched me in the back I really freaked out full flash back to me being pushed down stairs and my ex then catching me by the arm how can you possibly forget that but I had …one of my worries how much more have I got to remember and if I can cope and the effect on my new partner its horrible for him too
Xx Ellen

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