Eyesopening

[Eyesopening]

i ended it a while ago just after (timeframe removed by Moderator), we haven’t talked since, but I just got a box of (occasion removed by Moderator) presents from him in the post.. i thought he wasn’t gonna send them, he got them before we broke up, i was supposed to move in with him (timeframe removed by Moderator)… i dunno if i can open them..

[Eyesopening]

I think we all have felt that. I am now single and wondering if I will have a chance to have children. BUT I am so so thankful i do not have children with an abusive man, that would have destroyed me 100%.

give it a year or two, the recovery took a long time but I was happy when I found myself and made a new life for myself. I had a brief new relationship which turned out all the same and I had to leave and now am building myself up again. Heal and have lots of therapy, I had lots of trauma therapy and now I will try something new to stop repeating this unhealthy pattern of abusive relationships. My father was abusive and thats all i know. That is why i rather had an abortion then let a child grow up in an abusive home.
Your life is yours now, love it and own it x

[Eyesopening]

we are all on here wondering if our situation is abusive. When I read your post I am astounded at how abusive your relationship is, you are also being abused by his family. Maybe don’t think of the word as abuse, think of it as the word control.. I think you will find it easier to apply the word control to the whole situation and what they are trying to do to you.
there is a reason it takes on average seven times to successfully leave an abusive relationship. The trauma bond, the cognitive dissonance, the abusive manipulation, psychologically, emotionally, keeps us trapped.
if you talk to anyone on the outside, they will see very clearly straight away that this is an abusive relationship.
try reading other people’s posts, when they ask whether it’s abuse, you will probably be able to tell quite quickly.

this is the reason we need outside help to help us get out. Lean on your support network of your GP and Local Domestic abuse workers.. on this forum. Keep posting, keep reading. Start an escape plan, a safe one..

stay safe xx

[Eyesopening]

It sounds like he is resentful of you doing things you enjoy and being independent, so he punishes you by this behavior, there is always an excuse, ‘he likes things tidy’ Can just be his way of punishing you.. so next time you don’t take so much time out for yourself. Next time you’re home where he wants you to be being his housewife..

I think in their actions we have to take a step back and think, is he doing this to break me down? Is he doing this to manipulate me into doing what he wants next time? Is he doing this so I continually try to appease him so I don’t get this behavior? When you ask him to stop and he outright says ‘no’. That’s worrying. What if he was doing something far more psychologically or physically harming and you asked him to stop? That shows a lack of trust and respect.. I am sorry this sounds terribly exhausting, but you sound so strong to be able to juggle so much whilst your partner doesn’t sound like he supports you, rather makes life that much harder.. keep posting and reading, try Lundy Bancroft ‘why does he do that’ its a fre pdf online xxx

[Eyesopening]

Its your brain trying to protect you, literally trauma bonded you to your captive, I do feel like abusive relationships are like we are being held hostage. And to protect ourselves we stay and we have the similar thing to Stockholm/trauma bonded.
my Dad was abusive (detail removed by moderator) He ruined all his families life, all us kids have major problems into adulthood.
so no, they don’t change, the type of abuse may change.. frequency, (detail removed by moderator)

[Eyesopening]

To update on this, I (timeframe removed by Moderator) ended it with my boyfriend! God it took a lot of work, it took a whole day with my brother, 2 hours with my sister.2 long calls to my local DA, 2 chats with WA. alot of googling, journalling.. and I finally sent him the text. What really really helped me do it is my sister telling my the fact that I crave him and want to see him to feel better is a really big sign of the unhealthy attachment. I am in a pattern and I will see a DA specific therapist.

Goodluck xx

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Also friends and family don’t seem as concerned compared to professionals…

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Show your teens what a healthy relationship is, you standing up for yourself and leaving will show them that they shouldn’t just take it.. my dad is abusive and my mum never left him, I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, I keep getting in abusive relationships. Break the cycle.. i know how hard that is. Its all about using support to get out, you can’t do it alone, you need lifeboast to get you out of the storm.. and it takes time. Use Womens aid, get a local outreach worker, work with them. Xx

 

[Eyesopening]

This is horrificly abusive relationship, get help and get out. When you say: ‘It feels like I can’t do anything right or that I’m not doing enough.’ It is so typical of abusers to make you feel like this, they always move the goalposts, we can never be good enough. He sounds like he could become dangerous.. Be very careful and contact Womens aid to help you find your local DA services, who will assign you a support worker and help you escape

 

Also read lots, learn all about abuse, keep a journal and record his abuse.

[Eyesopening]

Please do not listen to this man, He is abusing you, go no contact with him, one abusive husband is enough to deal with. You owe this man Absolutely nothing. That’s really important to remember. Protect yourself. Put yourself first. it will be a leap of faith, you will feel guilt and other feelings, but you have to trust in yourself that you did the right thing. Those feelings will pass x

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I thought when I would be free I would be fine, but it wasn’t like that, when you are free, your body and mind realise they are not just in survival mode anymore and that they can finally start processing what happened, I had terrible PTSD, and year later I am still processing things from that relationship, this is now the time to heal, lots of self love, therapy, emotional and physical releases, like crying, exercises, finding a hobby you love. This is where you learn who you are again, and learn to love yourself, and begin a new life. For me I had terrible sleep for a long time, and issues with fatigue, acupuncture has been the best thing, along with lots of therapy x

[Eyesopening]

desgusting abuse! that is horrific, he is taking your sense of self and destroying you, the person you are, he is breaking you down, bit by bit, till you are at his mercy, under his control and he is the master of you. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Please find the support to leave him, find your local DA services. Don’t continue to give your life to him. He is basically stealing your life from you. xx

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Hey darling, can I ask why are you friends with this man who makes you feel guilty, he sounds just like another abuser in your life which you don’t need! Get rid of him from your life, when we are in abuse we can find so much more abuse, like we are a magnet.. so be on the look out for kind considerate female friends and stick with them, if someone makes you feel bad, they are not your friend.

protect yourself, put yourself first, no one else matters.

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Well done! Stay strong and stay no contact! Only way to be cleansed of them fully x

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My dad only ever was voilent physically to my mum once, that is all it took for him to gain control, after that point she knew she could never ever stand up to him, she could never question him anything. It only takes a few angry outbursts to make you feel like you can’t confide in that person. They teach/train us to how they wantg us to be. When we obey they don’t have to train so hard. And we are praised. Depends on the abuser ofcourse.

[Eyesopening]

Friends and family will never give you the right advice I find, they do not understand abuse, it is very rare to get the right kind of advice that we need, I only really listen to Womens aid, and my local abuse outreach. They understand abuse. Be it on purpose or not, it doesn’t matter, he is abusing  you, he is taking your life from you and driving you mad. Looking back I don’t really know how I left, it was a leap of faith, I put my trust in women on this forum, my local abuse outreach worker, and I trusted what they told me, and left with their help.  Keeping a journal to keep the facts in writing also helps, it is actually the biggest thing that helped me leave. Your brain tries to protect you, your heart and brain are in conflict and there is a whole thing called cognitive dissonance, you don’t remember things correctly. Now reflecting on my past, the confusion is the biggest sign of abuse. Reach out for real life hands on support from professionals. Friends and family are there for a different kind of support.

[Eyesopening]

Thankyou so much for replying, Minimeerkat, Selfish(i’m sure you’re not😊), Marmalade, Cat24.

I really needed to talk, still confused, not decision made.. I am terrible at decisions. But when talking to the police about Claires law, they asked about my previous long term abusive relationship and if I ever reported it. I said no as i was in another country. But they still wanted to take down details… it was difficult.. and reminded me how serious and how bad it was.. bit of a slap to the face that these relationships and dangers to becoming involved in one is not to be taken lightly! It’s not the matter that the harder it gets then the easier it is to see and leave (just like lundy bancroft’s book why does he do that tells us.. I am jelous of children who grow up in non abusive homes. I have done so much work on myself, but i am still attracting red flags/ potential abusers! Will abuse follow me for the rest of my life? If you have children with an abuser run! It ruins your childs life potential FOREVER!!!

[Eyesopening]

It most definitley is abuse and my heart goes out to you. Please contact Womens aid and they will help you, they told me who my local domesti abuse organisation was and I had a great local Domestic abuse support worker who helped me more on a 121 basis. Its so important for you and your childrens safety. xx

[Eyesopening]

I think in the end we need to find peace within ourselves, they will never ever admit they were in the wrong. Have you read Why does he do that? By Lundy Buncroft? That helped me learn I will never get any sort of closure from my ex abuser. You can read it free online. The more we focus on ourselves, the more we realise no one else can give us what we need. Where focus goes, energy flows. Focus on you. If you can go 100% no contact, he will only continue abusing you and driving you mad. You can’t reason with them.

[Eyesopening]

Hey lovely, I am so sorry. That is very quick to escalte to abuse. Hopefully you are not too far in that you are trauma bonded. But I believe once we are trauma bonded once, it is easier to slipe back into that role. It is so sad as we deserve so much better. Keep reaching out for support and keep a journal, you left before so you can do it again. I think it wont be so hard if you haven’t been together for so long. My long term abuser was an alcaholi and drug user, I will never be with a man again who drinks, as I do not drink at all, I hate being around it, even when friends drink. It isn’t healthy. I have moved my whole life into a new direction of a particular sport that I am really into. I now have a community and friends who all share the same passion, it is around being in nature and active, it is the best, and I know I will always be ok becuase I have that. Where focus goes energy goes. xx

[Eyesopening]

this is horrific abuse and please continue to seek help as adviced above. When you are in it you can’t see it. That’s what he has done. Abuse is like boiling a frog, you do it very slowly on low heat so by the time your boiling you don’t notice it. Or another analogy I like, abuse is like a thousand paper cuts. Also keep a note of all he has done, we can forget and look back with rose tinted glasses.

[Eyesopening]

thanks hun, hope you are ok  xx

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Thankyou for replying, you really helped me, it is scary, such a shame Clairs law kinda falls short if they can only tell you of actually convictions. When conviction rate is so low.. I did it (timeframe removed by Moderator), I told him I wont move in with him. and it is over, I feel relieved actually, I think I have done all the crying i could in the run up xx

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this is a really really good point, thankyou, it is hard hearing friends and family minimise things, when you are already confused. But I did it (timeframe removed by Moderator), I told him I wont move in with him! Thankgod I found the strength, it felt impossible before.. but I suppose I needed time.  Thankyou for replying, it really helped xx

[Eyesopening]

thankyou so much, I did it, I told him I wont move there, I cannot believe how hard it was.. it was almost impossible. I was going to go up! But my family saved me.. I think the thing that really did it for me was my sister telling my the fact that I crave him and want to see him to feel better is a really big sign of the unhealthy attachment/coercive control/trauma bond. I am in a bad pattern and I will see a DA specific therapist. Thankyou for your messsage, it really helped me. xxxx

 

[Eyesopening]

Leaving these men is actually the hardest thing! My sister is helping me, literally having to physically stop me from moving in with a man that has concerning red flags, and that’s why i have been talking to Womens aid, locals DA workers, women on here, my Freedom Program friends.. family, they all tell me what I know is true. But still, I cannot seem to break the bond. I want to see him and miss him!!

My sister says it is very worrying I am not able to see how stressed i am and not listen to my instincts. That i need some serious DA therapy about this. It’s a glitch in my brain and evidence of his control over me that I still need/want to see him. Missing him may just be evidence of the coercive controlling hold he has over me..

It’s scary… but the more we reach out, the better, I don’t even know how i left a long term abusive relationship now, when i struggle to leave a short term one… it really is a leap of faith.

i wish you the best, keep posting and chatting on here, we are all in the same boat xx

 

[Eyesopening]

He also has never told me that he loves me… Not sure how ready I am to say it to him.

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When I am with him I don’t have doubts, (unless he is moody) but when I am away from him I am full of doubt. I miss him though.

[Eyesopening]

I did the Freedom program, I need to look at that book again actually, this is just so different to before, he is a great partner. My ex abuser was a terrible partner in every way.

He is now a (detail removed by moderator) drive away, so either I go up and live there or we split up really.

The thing he does is, when I initially say something he doesn’t like, he may react intially in a bad way, like when he asked me again if I had decided if I will move up with him, I was with broken bones and a mess, I said I just don’t have the mental capacity atm to think about it. He said ‘(specific line of communication removed by moderator)‘. But later when he had time to think about it, he was nice and understanding and didn’t ask for a long while after. Though when he did ask and I said I was not sure still, he said that maybe it isn’t the right thing then. And that made me say ok I will go up. Is that my own attachment problems or he kinda pushed me to give an answer. I don’t know. But that kind of thing happens alot, he may initially be a bit rude, then  he is going away and thinking about it then coming back with a better response.. xx

[Eyesopening]

Oh wow, thankyou for replying, I try to talk to family/friends, but they don’t really get it, or understand how abuse can start. My past long term ex abuser was just so different, I thought this new guy must be a good guy especially at the start before those little red flags came along (ignoring the situational red flags of his ex’s) – also I didn’t add how he is bad with money, then gets really stressed about money, but then soon later spends needlessly. I have now applied for Clairs law – thankyou good idea!. Let’s see what that brings back. This is just mad. I am suposed to move up with him in a couple weeks, he is sorting the house now, atleast I have this time along to work things out. xx

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