Findmyself

[Findmyself]

Hi it’s been a while since I posted on this but I’ve had a complete rollercoaster of a month I put in place the suggestions from Barnados which worked in the short term and there was an improvement in the relationship between us. She refused the engage with the support so we just had to find our own way. Things have been up and down and I realised that the only reason things were better is because I was trying to be someone I’m not superman. I was walking on eggshells and trying to keep the peace. I couldn’t show an opinion on anything as this would give her a reason to argue and I was trying too hard everyday to keep her happy. This week I decided to relax this a little and be more real. Things have gradually declined. This week she has been telling me to die again and doing things to push boundaries or annoy. I have ignored it and it has kept on escalating until last night there was an incident was has left me reeling. I have a dislike of wet teabags my ex used to use this against me to taunt me chasing me round putting them in my stuff etc. Last night my daughter asked my son to stuff a wet teabag in my mouth. She recorded this to send to her dad and was laughing hysterically. I know it seems silly and nothing much but has really affected me. I was shaking after it happened to which she was calling me pathetic etc. I went to bed to get away but I’ve hardly slept and been really upset by this. I phoned my mum to tell her this morning and she suggested my daughter went and stayed with her for the rest of lockdown. I explained to my daughter that she had upset me and I think she needs to stay with her nan so we can have a break. However; she’s minimalised everything she did. She’s told everyone that I’ve kicked her out and lied about what’s she’s been like. She left an hour ago in a taxi to go to my mums and I feel absolutely terrible like the worst mother alive and like I’ve given up on her when it’s a time she probably needs me the most. I doubting the decision and just want her back but in other ways recognise that we need the break from each other.

[Findmyself]

Thank you all it’s so nice just to have someone to reach out too. I have no one I can be truthful with about what is happening and spend most of the day pretending everything is ok -even when I have waves of anxiety and feeling sick. There are lots of suggestions here I will make a list and see what works for me. I find it really difficult to think of positives at the moment and I keep getting dragged back to the negative. I’m going to try having some positive things written down to try at these times.
My teenagers have been particularly difficult during the lockdown and are blaming me for the whole situation with quarantine. My rational brain sees through this and knows they are just hitting out however, some of what they are saying is what he used to say which is why I believe the nightmares have been so intense right now.
IWMB answering your question with the eating- I have no appetite what so ever and have to force myself to eat something everyday there are no foods I want to eat or enjoy. Some days I literally forget to eat if I don’t have to cook for the kids. I have lost 4 stone in the last year which isn’t excessive, but not something I want to continue.
I have ordered the Lundy Bancroft book today we try and read this.
Thank you all again and take care of yourselves too xx

[Findmyself]

Thank you both I couldn’t log in yesterday for some reason! I have managed to get in touch with Barnados who are going to offer her some support starting Monday. I have bribed her to engage in the first session and explained after this she can choose.
Things have continued to be difficult but after speaking to Barnados they have given me strategies to help. They have suggested that she is crying out for love and believe her dad may be grooming her to make her carry on the abuse where he left off which was interesting and something I hadn’t considered! Hopefully things will start to get easier and she will engage. Thank you both for your suggestions xx

[Findmyself]

Hi not sure if it’s been mentioned but my solicitor sent me this link when I asked about child contact and isolation: https://www.judiciary.uk/announcements/coronavirus-crisis-guidance-on-compliance-with-family-court-child-arrangement-orders/
I don’t have a contact order in place but she said to follow this advice if I wanted to make changes to the current arrangement I had in place.
My ex lives close by so I have proposed that the children can see him for the hour a day they are exercising outdoors. I am currently on the extreme risk list and my daughter is on the risk list due to medical conditions. I haven’t given him a choice and have said it’s this or nothing and he is pushing for more but I’ve suggested that he see his solicitor if he doesn’t agree.

[Findmyself]

I saw the GP today who has suggested what I am experiencing is complex PTSD he hasn’t formally diagnosed me at the moment and wants me to see a counsellor before trying medication. He is contacting the DV department in the police to discuss my situation. He has suggested that anything to do with my ex could be a possible trigger so I am not to have anything to do with him, his mother or sister and need to have all communication going through a third party. My ex took my daughter with him to the police station to report me causing her to believe she is in danger being around me so she won’t come home, even though her siblings are here and are fine.

[Findmyself]

Sorry about the duplicate posts I didn’t think the first one had uploaded!

[Findmyself]

Thank you all. I just feel deflated at the moment and like everyday is a battle to try and get my life separated from him. Using my daughter in this way has devastated me and having no one to talk to is just making it worse.
I haven’t tried to contact her again as I don’t want to end up apologising just to keep the peace which is what I’ve always done. Seeing my other daughter curled in ball shaking and crying really affected me as I saw myself in her at that moment and knew I had to stand up for her.
I don’t want to start disliking my other daughter as we have always been close but I just can’t have her behaving in that way I know he is doing everything to turn her against me at the moment and it hurts so much.
I’ve tried speaking to my mum however she blames her relationship with my dad for the reason I stayed in mine and can not cope with my thoughts or emotions. I have tried to reach out to my sister too but I found the same response and she was always trying to change the subject. I have no friends left he got rid of them all. I feel like the two people I used to speak to at work are fed up with me as they make excuses when I’m around to keep themselves busy and I am aware we are at work to work not discuss personal things.
I’m on the waiting list for counselling which is what I feel I need. I saw the GP who won’t give he anything and said what I’m feeling is understandable in the circumstances and I need to change what’s going on around me in order to feel better.

[Findmyself]

Thank you all. I’m trying to keep going just finding it difficult. I tried to speak to my mum but she finds it difficult to listen to me when I’m hurting as she blames herself for n me being in a bad relationship in the first place. My ex isolated me from everyone else so I don’t really have anyone I can reach out to. I tried talking to my sister a while back but I think it brings back to many memories for her to and she feels frustrated that she can’t do anything so now changes the subject when I try to talk.
I’ve not contacted my daughter since saying I’m here for her and I’m leaving her alone but it’s breaking me. I know how smug he will feel and how much he knows this will be hurting me and I also worry about the long term damage he will be doing to my daughters mental health she already believes I’m mentally insane and a compulsive liar because of him.
I spoke to my GP to see if they could help with how I’m feeling but due to being on lots of other meds for an auto inflammatory condition they won’t give me anything as it will react. He said I have low mood due to my the circumstances and I need to change what’s going on around me to change my mood which is easier said than done. I’m on the waiting list for counselling as are all 3 children so hopefully this will help.

[Findmyself]

Google trauma bonding and the cycle of Abuse. They may help you to understand what’s happening. I read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft too which helped. Don’t put to much pressure on yourself to leave it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do and it’s a bumpy journey. We all lived for the good times and the people they pretended to be and breaking that bond is hard. It may be worth ringing the helpline or using the chat to help make an exit plan when you’re ready for it. Talking really helps when you’re talking with people who understand use the forum and keep us informed Xx

[Findmyself]

Hi I was in your position when I first moved the ex out. He bombarded me with texts phone calls and kept coming to the house. I felt the need to keep up the contact and be nice as I felt bad about hurting him and I wasn’t sure how to put myself first.
It got worse and worse with the contact to the point he moved himself back in and said he stay on the sofa until I came to my senses. This was the final straw for me and I knew that unless I stood up for what I wanted it was never going to happen. It took me (detail removed by moderator) weeks to get him out again and a visit from the police. Since this time I have changed the locks and gone email contact only about child arrangements I have blocked his number and deleted him from social media. This is a really difficult thing to do it is final and like cutting away part of you but so necessary to give you the breathing space to think and process everything and start to heal. There are still days when I want to tell him something or speak to him but I find something else to do until this passes. Just do it when you’re ready xxx

[Findmyself]

Thank you both I will call the charity today after I’ve spoken to the idva. I just don’t know what more the solicitor is looking for. I have 4 incidents logged with the police since the end of December. I’m trying to move away i have to sell the house first which he is refusing to allow so feeling trapped at the moment.

[Findmyself]

I have the same issue and was recently told by a close family member that I have to put my big girl pants on stop telling people lies about him and move on with my life if that’s what I want. She said it couldn’t have been that bad else you wouldn’t have stayed all those years. They think I’m just trying to hurt him or am jealous of his new relationship (3rd one so far in a year!) it’s hurts so much more when it’s people you are close too. I try to ignore it and stop confiding in those that don’t understand leaving it got those who do. In a way it makes me pleased they don’t understand as it proves they’ve never lived through the hell.

[Findmyself]

Do you know if you can change solicitor if you are paying through Legal aid? My solicitor just seems like she can’t be bothered and is very procedural I went with that company as the Idva said they were good with DA but this one has no people skills.

[Findmyself]

Thank you all. I have a solicitor who helping with the divorce. She’s hopeless and takes ages to do anything (8 weeks to write a letter about not coming in the house) I’m going to contact her tomorrow. I had been no contact with him for just over a month until this weekend however, I contacted him to see how my daughter was and now he thinks he can ring all the time. When we first separated I had an Idva so was going to contact her tomorrow and see what she can advise. It’s just been three really bad weeks everyday theres a new drama and I don’t get time to sort one out before something new happens. I haven’t slept in the two nights since my daughter left as I thought she may fall when he is drunk and didn’t want to miss it. She is so messed up and confused by everything she has been sleeping bed with me for the two weeks prior to this. I just want to give her a hug!

[Findmyself]

Hi Cassandra,
My current situation is very similar to yours I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody and my abusive ex is using this against me. He’s currently telling everyone I am psychotic and a pathological liar with huge mental health problems. I cannot go out in the street without people stopping me to tell me what he’s said or asking if I’m ok. My ex currently has a new partner and is using this to rub it in my face how great he is. He sends me copies of intimate messages, nudes etc between them but waits for me to look at the messages and then quickly deletes them so I have no evidence. I have spoken to the police but without evidence of the messages they cannot do a lot.
They are urging me to press charges for harassment but I feel scared like you to do so. I don’t have a women’s aid worker as my nearest centre is 28 miles away! But feel I would not believed if I did report everything with the police.
At the moment I just try to get through each day. I have gone no contact with him (although he is still managing to send messages through somehow?)I’m not sure what the answers are right now I want to sell my house and move away but am aware this isn’t going to happen quickly so I feel completely trapped in my situation.
Please keep me posted if you find anything that helps and if you do go to the police let me know you get on.
Is there anyone who found the police helpful or did this just bring more hassle? I too just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world!

[Findmyself]

Hi dededaisy,
My ex tormented me with the first person he got into a relationship with after we split- phoning when he was with her, telling me when they were going to have sex, sending me photos of them together. This really bothered and upset me and he knew this. It ended it after a few weeks. He told me he ended it because he missed me so much- I think it’s coz she saw through him.
He’s now got with an old friend of mine who I know is very vulnerable and will fall for his charms. He tried to do the same thing this time and torment me again but as soon as I knew they were meeting I went completely no contact. I knew I couldn’t handle hearing all the details again and I have to say it’s the best thing I’ve done. We spilt a while ago and every since I’ve been in a quandary he continued to bully me and make me feel guilty for the affect me ending the relationship was having on him but since going no contact he can’t get to me anymore and I have actually started to heal from everything. Its not easy but it’s definitely worth it

Xx

[Findmyself]

Thanks KIP how do I find my local women’s aid?

[Findmyself]

Hi KIP thank you so much for the advice. I am a bit stuck where I am as I cannot afford to rent whilst paying the mortgage. He is living with a friend close by but wants to get back with me and constantly hounds me. The solicitor mentioned the occupation order too. I am waiting to see the solicitor again I have applied for universal credit and she has said once this is in place I can get legal aid. Do you know if I can sell without his permission as he will never give this. I am desperate to get away and cut all ties but I don’t know where to go if that makes sense we were married for a long time and he isolated me from friends and family and now I have no one. I have children who are at school near to where I live and they have friends which as sad as it sounds is my only tie to anything. I have tried to reach out to my family but this is difficult when I have barely seen them for many years.

[Findmyself]

Thank you KIP. I have applied for counselling for them and they are currently on waiting lists everything just takes so long to get in place and they are just getting hurt more whilst we wait.

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