Flowerchild

[Flowerchild]

No, it doesn’t. We tried three times, at my request. He was furious that I mentioned his violence and the police involvement to the counsellor. Apparently I should not have ‘betrayed’ that.

He tried to subvert the counsellor to his side, saying he felt unloved. I felt sick being asked to list the things I lived him for.

When the subject of him snatching a huge knife from the knife block and brandishing it in the air came up, counsellor’s comment was, “That must have been very scary FOR YOU BOTH.”

I walked.

Couples counselling is for couples who love each other and need help to communicate that effectively. It is not for abusers and their victims.

What did finally make a difference was him committing to a perpetrator programme and going every week for over a year.

[Flowerchild]

He has most certainly broken a law by (detail removed by moderator), darling!

And your reporting will help keep that baby safe. Well done. Take courage.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

He really has lobbed a grenade into the situation here, darling!

You may just need to avoid situations where he can confront you in front of the children in future, I think.

As for saying you’ll get nothing in a split, that’s nonsense and he knows it. You will be likely to be entitled to stay in the ‘marital home’ if you have the children living with you and he will have to go on supporting the children of course.

Arrangements for contact with his children can be made that mean you don’t need to have him come over the thresholdnor see you at all.

Don’t worry any more than you can help, lovely; he is talking up a storm of distracting flak, that’s all. It means nothing.

As for your son, a quiet but firm and clear chat when he’s calm and listening would help him to understand that you have no plans to get back with his father and your reasons are things he won’t really understand until he is older. He just had to trust you to look out for your and their best interests because you love them.

Stay strong,

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

The truth is the truth, darling, whatever anyone else may or may not believe. The authorities will be taking your report seriously, if course, and if in the end no action is taken, it won’t be because you aren’t believed.

I’ve no doubt he will be busily denying it all and recruiting supporters, but that needn’t bother you, need it? You can cut off contact with anyone who gets confrontational with you.

I think if you can let go of needing other people to validate your experience and hold on to what you know to be true, you can probably weather anything!

You will be free and that is what really matters.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Try googling “If you can’t stand being tickled, why are you laughing?” darling. It explains better than I could!

F

[Flowerchild]

Liar, not list!

[Flowerchild]

Tickling is such a weird thing. Pinning you down and tickling you against your will is nearly as bad as hitting you, in my opinion. The breathless laughter is a primitive response that you have no control over; it certainly doesn’t mean you’re happy or having a good time or enjoying the experience, does it?

What do you imagine his response might be if you did it to him unexpectedly? That is always the question: what if it were the other way round?

He may well be telling himself that this defensive laughter and the forced fake avowals of love mean that you’re OK with his clearly abusive behaviour when clearly you’re not.

If you pick a calm moment to tell him you don’t enjoy being mercilessly tickled even if you respond with laughter and you don’t want him ever to do it again, would he respect that?

If not, it’s assault, darling. None of this is OK. None of this is normal or respectful or loving, is it? It’s just one more way of violating your boundaries while pretending he believes you’re fine with it.
And look, he gets to tell himself you’re a miserable so-and-so who says she doesn’t enjoy an innocent tickle and a list too, because you’re laughing all the way through.

Clever tactic. Nasty tactic.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Thrilled to hear your news! Well done, darling, and we all wish you every success in this exciting new season of your life.

It won’t always be easy, but just think how proud of you your child will grow up to be.

Flower xxx

[Flowerchild]

No, not sexual abuse, Lovetravel, darling. When you said “No, no, no,” and he said “It’s OK,” and persisted until you said yes or just gave up and went quiet, that was rape.

Rape doesn’t have to be a stranger in a dark alley. Rape is penetration without consent. So yeah, he’s a rapist. Not nice. Not what you were entitled to expect from someone who was supposed to love and cherish you. Not what you deserved, darling.

None of this was your fault. I’m so sorry you experienced this. There is help out there to support you through your recovery. If you decide to report him, there is support for you to do that, too. You are not alone.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Hi, Lostmonkey, darling. So sorry you’re going through this hellish patch!

Question: do your children get to choose their own bedtimes? Their diet? Their viewing and internet activities? Their shoes and clothing? My guess is that you step up as a parent and ensure they are safe, properly fed, rested and clothed, whatever they might say they want!

So why on earth would you let them decide YOUR life partner? They are children; that decision is not theirs to make; they don’t have the information and understanding of adults yet. That choice too must be YOURS as the adult involved.

Of course they want mum and dad happily together; I guess you’d love that, too, but he has failed all the tests, hasn’t he?

Imagine 10 or 15 or 20 years down the track when they are grown adults with mature understanding, bearing mental scars from his abuse and seeing you broken by decades of abuse. What will they say? Probably, “Mum, why didn’t you just leave when you realised?” And if you say you stayed for them because they asked you to? “Mum, that was a bad decision. We were just kids. It was your life and our safety and happiness. You shouldn’t have listened to us!”

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Sex in your sleep (waking up to find he’s started) is rape, darling. You can’t give consent in your sleep.

Threatening you to control you is just as illegal as throttling you, too.

I’m afraid you’ve normalised a lot of abnormal, abusive behaviour. Not your fault – no blame – they work at this!

Is it time to start planning your escape?!

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Do consider the possibility that he had landed you with an ‘anchor’ dog, darling!

Anytime he likes he can pester you to see the dog or be told about its welfare, can’t he?

It might be ultimatum time: you could tell him to commit to a monthly direct debit for the costs (include food for a year, vaccinations, de-flea and de-worm treatments, pet insurance and two weeks’ kenneling costs in case you take a holiday and divide by 12) and give him a deadline to set it up by: a week should be enough. The alternatives are to take the dog back or, if you love the dog, want to keep it and can afford to keep it, tell him he can hand over the animal to you and guarantee in writing that he will never contact you again about it.

Why should you pick up his responsibilities?

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Just a thought, J@j, since you were canny enough to record the incident, if you report to his solicitor, why not attach the recording?

That should lead to a difficult and expensive series of communications for him!

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

It seems the person appointed as ‘supervisor’ is actually another abuser!

I’d consider you justified in refusing to subject your children to this again. It must have been terrifying hearing the shouting, seeing their mother intimidated, bring herded and separated like prey.

Did you report the incident to the police? I do hope so. It’s not too late. Some urgent phoning on Monday morning might quickly put you in a safer position where you don’t have to hand your precious children over into danger.

Others can advise better than I who to call, but the police would come first for me: 101 initially; 999 if anyone turns up or starts kicking off at the next handover, if there ever is one.

Do you know how to record sound on your phone while it’s in your pocket, darling?

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Isn’t it odd how blind we are, calling an abuser’s behaviour an ‘anger management’ issue and telling ourselves he can’t help it?

They are managing their anger alright! It never pops out around anyone they respect or fear; they never smash up their own treasures; they cope at work!

It was when I dialled 999 after he’d let go of my neck and stopped banging my head against the kitchen door that I saw his ‘uncontrollable’ rage pop like a soap bubble and he slunk into the sitting room and curled up in the corner of a sofa like a scolded puppy to await their arrival.

They manage their anger perfectly to exert control. It’s all choices!

Flower x

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