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Hello lovely, I can relate to what you are saying re the zero authority and zero respect. I get the feeling your children are older than mine (mine are younger end of primary school age children). I left for the (detail removed by Moderator) and last time fairly recently and my kids have been awful. They sound like little agents of their father and it’s upsetting me so much – one is worse than the other. I also feel like the abuse and bullying is continuing. Today I’ve been punched, kicked, had things thrown at me, verbally abused when all I wanted to do was get them to school on time. But, they’ve been brought up in an abusive relationship and they’ve learnt it’s ok to talk to their mum bad, call her names and be violent. There is no contact between me and their dad and I think the no contact is upsetting them. They want me to send messages from them but I’m not going to do that (don’t want his name popping up on my phone equally as much as I don’t want to explain to them he hasn’t responded). I’ve been advised to ignore the bad behaviour, reward the good and remain calm. Easier said than done but I’m getting better at it.

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Thank you all.

We made it out, so nerve wracking. I think I was running on adrenaline yesterday and feel terrible today. I’ve hardly slept and just crying though I’m not sure why. But we are in our little flat, he doesn’t know where we are and I haven’t heard from him which is what I expected.

xXx

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Hi Fluffski

I’m so sorry you’re suffering like this and it’s great you’ve found this forum where you will find support and really good practical advice.

All you are saying sounds so familiar, it’s horrendous what is done to us. My advice is to start keeping a log of the abuse (I didn’t do this and I’m regretful now), you can keep voice notes on your phone even but back it up. Tell someone what is happening to you. Building up a support network really gives you strength. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. The shame is his. If you can, start counselling without telling him. I did this just recently and it really has given me strength I’d forgotten I had.

There is help out there. Call the national DA helpline or womens aid or women’s trust. Keep posting, we are all here for you xXx

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I get the same,so I try not to cry in front of him as it just makes things woese. He really doesn’t understand what his vile monologues do to me. I’m leaving soon and I’m crying all the time in private x

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Hi GT

I have no wise words for you as I’m in the process of going through my plan and in a very similar situation to you. However, you do deserve better than this and you are strong enough to leave him. I think these men are incapable of love, real love, and seek kind, compassionate, happy people to feed off. He is abusing you my lovely. I have left my partner, while he’s been sleeping off the booze, 5 or 6 times. It doesn’t sit right but I have to do it this way as he would never let us go. My family is frustrated with me – I come back because of the trauma bond. I have started seeing a counsellor and she’s helping me see my situation for what it is, is very encouraging and is absolutely certain that I will be that happy person again without him in my life.

I can’t tell you what to do but he isn’t going to change. He is unable to because he doesn’t think he has a problem. You can do this xx

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Hi gettingtired, I have no advice but I’m getting out very soon as well and experiencing exactly the same thoughts and feelings as you are. I’m so sad and feel so deceitful. I’m also thinking there has to be another episode before I go. He’s very withdrawn at the moment, barely talking to me and I daren’t ask what’s wrong as that will probably be the start of it. Maybe he’s been monitoring my internet and knows what I’m up to. I’ve no idea.

Anyway, you’re doing the right thing. Please don’t look back. Things will not change.

xx

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Thank you both for replying.

I think I must have a trauma bond, I’d never heard of it before, and thank you for putting a name to it diymum@1. There’s some good information available on how to break the bond and I really do have to be successful this time. Think this will be my 7th or 8th attempt at leaving.

EmpoweredHealing, “I learned that just because you missed someone, doesn’t mean you made a mistake” they’re very true words, and I’ll keep them in my mind. I am already doing things differently this time – I’m starting counselling soon and I’m not telling him. I thought I would try and put things in perspective and try and get stronger instead of leaving at rock bottom.

Have to go, he’s up

Thank you again xxxx

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Thank you for your kind words, AS. Oh my, it was horrible, holding her little sobbing body and feeling responsible yet knowing I was doing the right thing by her.

I think you recommended I read the Lundy Bancroft book..i’ve started reading and OMG…feels very strange to have my partner described to a T within those pages. Ok, he’s a blend of 3 of the abuser types and many tears were shed! Thank you for suggesting I read it. i will pick it up again soon xx

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Hi I’ve recently left and my final straw was even he absolutely terrified me in the middle of the night. I then started making my plan. Maybe I should have gone the next day. While I was planning one of our children said something that broke my heart. She shouldn’t be saying that sort of stuff. And since we be been gone we saw a woman on TV with facial injuries and she immediately thought the woman had been arguing. I feel terrible for what I’ve put my children through by going back the other times I’ve left. This time I need to keep strong and think of my girls if I can’t think about myself xx

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Thank you both for responding. No, I’m not getting support from GP or WA as I’ve moved away from the area and I’ve found it difficult getting through to WA. And I feel like a bit of a fraud tbh as I’m not sure whether it’s me just making things worse than they actually are in my head. I have seen my GP about how i’m feeling but I worried about saying too much as I didn’t want them to involve social services.

Thank you for the book suggestion AS, I will try and get hold of a copy. The police did arrest him a couple of years ago for assault however, i don’t think I can get them involved again as I haven’t kept a log of what’s been happening (he used to take my keys purse and phone when things were bad but stopped that after he was cautioned) and I don’t think I’ve got it in me to do that.

Thanks for confirming my suspicions that in all likelihood he won’t change and I need to keep us away from him xx

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Thank you lovely. I have honestly been in the depths of despair, thinking this only way to find peace is to be no more. But I managed to not give up and claw my way out. I found some friends (I was isolated) and told them. That really helped me
You can do this too when the time is right. We are all here for you xXx

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Thank you, it really means a lot xXx

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Hi, thanks for replying and wow to being out for two years. You must feel like a different person.

You’re right about the switch, mine came on when I realised he was talking to our girls in the same way he does to me when he’s displeased.

I will take a look at Fleurs post. And thank you all, we are strong women and I want to get my girls out before too much damage is done xx

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