Go green light

[Go green light]

I was exactly the same. I kept thinking it was his mental health, he might get better, if I could just do a good enough job of supporting him. I do still feel like an idiot for putting up with his behaviour for so long. But I do realise that it was not my fault. THe whole point is that these men manipulate everything and twist things so that you see things the way they want you to see it. I see things very differently now that I am out of the relationship. I did have a feeling something was not right but never allowed myself to fully acknowledge this.

I think the anger is healthy but hopefully in time you will not direct it towards yourself so much but realise he is the one who was responsible.

[Go green light]

It sounds like he is using the work stress as an excuse. But you are obviously concerned aobut his behaviour and the impact it is having on you and your kids, for the fact that you are posting on here.

My ex used to put a lot of emotional pressure on me to have sex and made out like he couldn’t cope if he didn’t get sex. I remember particularly feeling under pressure soon after I had given birth! He wouldn’t speak to me after I refused him. I ended up giving in because I couldn’t cope with the hassle of him sulking when I had a newborn baby.

Also he would involve the kids in his moods by walking through a room and not speaking to them, because he was angry at me. And yet he was able to control his feelings in other situations eg with people at work. But all he did was make excuses to me because he had mental health problems.

I have now realised there is no excuse for abusive behaviour and we should not be made to feel responsible for how our abusers are feeling.

I have just mentioned this in another post but the Freedom Programme really helped me.

[Go green light]

My ex used to do this all the time. If not physically going away he would refuse to speak to me for days on end which I feel was a way to punish me. Not that I had done anything wrong but often I would end up apologising to him because I felt so alone and upset. I think I was very dependant on him emotionally and couldn’t cope with him doing this. I now realise how unhealthy this relationship was but at the time I could not make sense of it. I hope that by posting on here you will see how many similarities there are with these abusive relationships. Also the Freedom Programme helps to understand abusive behaviour in a relationship.

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I hope your first day back went well. I also felt like this. But actually people were sensitive and didn’t really ask me any questions. I’m not sure how much people knew. My manager was aware but I think things do filter through. THen later when I got divorced and I changed my name a few people made comments and I said “it’s fine to congratulate me I’m happy that I’m divorced” but that was a while later down the line so was easier to talk about then. I still don’t really tell many people about the abuse apart from close friends and still do feel ashamed although I know there is no reason I should. But going back to work did help return to a sense of normality in my life.

[Go green light]

My ex is doing the same to my son. He is a bit young to fully understand it but I worry as he gets older how it will affect him. He has taken him to the doctors unnecessarily saying there are things wrong with him yet when they test everything there is nothing wrong at all. It is just another way to try to get to me.

I have found that professionals are quite understanding if I explain things and it has also helped to document all the evidcence of all the times he tries to manipulate our son.

I try to be supportive to him and not saying bad things about his dad, but getting him to see that his dad may not be 100% right about everything. I guess how you approach this depends on their age. I started saying things like “Daddy might be a bit confused” and my son then turnedd round and said “No, Daddy’s lying”. So at least he could see what was going on.

Also the school have been having informal chats with him so if he is worried about anything he can talk to them. This started when my ex complained to the school that my son was not happy to come home with me and was scared of me. But it has backfired on him because now they have spoken to me and know more about the situation and how manipulative he can be.

I hope some of this helps.

[Go green light]

Sounds exactly like my ex. They will create an argument where you can’t win because whatever you say is twisted. My ex would also talk over me/cut me off mid sentence, which I think showed he did not really have any respect for me or really want to listen to what I was saying.

[Go green light]

It sounds like a really difficult situation for you and such a shame you are not getting the right help and support. I think all these services are really underfunded. If you are not keen on going to a refuge there is always the legal route to get an occupation order, which means you don’t have to leave your home. However if he breaks the court order then it would still mean the police could come and arrest him. Lots of solicitors offer a free legal advice clinic so that could be an option to look into. Alternatively if you do go to a refuge this does not have to be a permanent thing. You could just stay for a few days and then return home if this felt like the right thing for you.

Regarding your mental health, I think it is very unlikely you will be sectioned unless you are suicidal. Even then you would have to be very serious about harming yourself to get sectioned. It is understandable you are experiencing anxiety. It would be strange if you weren’t. Many abusers do try to twist this and make it seem as though it is all your fault and you are mental. As long as you can reassure your doctor that you won’t harm yourself then they can’t force you to use mental health services. Although it sounds like you would benefit from support, you have to be ready to do this for yourself and it is such a shame you have had bad experiences with some professionals.

I hope you get some support and work out what to do that feels right for you.

[Go green light]

My ex also had depression and was later diagnosed with a personality disorder. However what I learnt after several years was that it is not acceptable to use the illness as an excuse for abusive behaviour. Abusive behaviour is a choice and there is always a degree of control. Does he abuse his colleagues at work? If he is well enough to work he must have a degree of being able to control himself and function in normal life.

I guess it is useful to acknowledge that there is a mental health problem there but it is his resonsibility not yours to get help and sort himself out. For so many years I was made to feel responsible for how my ex felt and I had to do everything for him and then it was still my fault when he abused me, because I hadn’t done a good enough job in caring for him.

You may choose to support him and give him a chance to overcome his problems but if you do just make sure you set some boundaries about what is and is not acceptable behaviour towards you and the kids, and keep yourselves safe.

[Go green light]

Hi, thanks everyone for the replies. It’s amazing how similar these abusive men are to each other! It’s good to know I’m not on my own, although of course I would not wish this experience on anyone. I have learnt over the years to document everything, keep communication to the absolute minimum which we have to do in relation to child contact arrangements. I have found he will contradict himself and then ends up looking stupid as he will make an allegation and then say the exact opposite. Like applying for non-molestation order against me and then insisting that I come to his house to pick up our son.

I just wish I had pressed charges against him for assault but at the time I foolishly felt sorry for him so didn’t take things further. Now when I talk about his abuse that is just an allegation too and no proof. But I have lots of evidence that paints a picture of which way the power imbalance in the relationship was and I took this with me to my police interview which helped.

Maddog you are only human and if you have lived with his abuse you will at times feel angry and express that. This does not mean you are abusing him.

[Go green light]

It sounds like you are having a really hard time at the moment. I don’t think I could have ended the relationship and still stayed in the same house. For me personally going to a refuge really helped as then he could not get to me and mess with my head. Not sure if this would be an option for you? Just because you have gone back this time does not you can’t leave again in the future when it feels right for you. Hope you manage to get the help and support you need

[Go green light]

Thanks for your reply. The police were actually very understanding and said it’s very unlikely to go any further. Just shocked but not surprised at how low he will go

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