Hereforclarity

[Hereforclarity]

I think this is actually quite common. I’m sorry he’s doing that to you. It sounds as if he’s trying to get a reaction and capture it at the same time to “prove” some kind of victim status.

I caught my ex recording our conversations when he was in the middle of provoking me/being emotionally abusive.

It’s exhausting trying to keep on top of what games they’re playing in the moment but it sounds like you’re doing the right thing as hard as it must be. Giving less and less in my reactions was the ticket out for me eventually. I hope you can look after yourself in the meantime xx

[Hereforclarity]

I think I’m only echoing what others have said – but you’re right. Being in your situation is very unjust and unfair, not to mention crazy-making, disorienting and everything else that comes with being with a psychologically abusive person.

People like your partner know what they’re doing and how harmful it is to others. It took me so long to accept this and not pay attention to the moments when he seemed rational/reasonable and made out my reactions or “emotional instability” were the problem.

It took me until (detail removed by Moderator) – to leave and not look back.

All those times where I was doubting whether he had control over how he was (telling myself he didn’t mean to hurt me) and feeling compassion for all his own trauma he told me about endlessly… It stole years from me. He would outright tell me I had all kinds of issues, that I was selfish and I was the one creating an emotionally unsafe environment and this is why he kept me out of so many parts of his life.

Your husband demonstrably has control of his behaviour as he knows not to treat others the way he’s treating you. You have all the knowledge you need to make decisions for yourself – you don’t have to wait for the proof even if others in your life aren’t able to see it.

It sounds like you’re doing incredibly well and it’s so strong to get to a place where you’re ready to leave. Also try and remember this can happen to absolutely anybody – keep reminding yourself of the reality of how things are in this crucial moment and I hope posting on here is helping.

Big hugs x

[Hereforclarity]

I’m about to join the choir here and I’m so sorry you’re in this position. What you’re husband is doing (whether he believes his own victim narrative or not) is incredibly abusive.

I don’t know if it helps to read about similar examples in my recent relationship but it went a bit like;

– would say I was always making everything about me when I got upset about the things he did until I was apologising for my reaction to his abuse
– he would tell me I had anger problems when I was pushed to an edge with his controlling behaviour (similar to what you described e.g. telling me what to wear, how to talk to people, how to speak to him)… again most my friends would say at points I’m “too nice”, lack boundaries and actually had to spend some time in therapy trying to get in touch with anger as I found it difficult to express… so go figure.
– he would tell me other people he was speaking to about our relationship said I sounded cruel.
– said he was scared of me also?
-coerced me into sexual things I was very hesitant about claiming it was important to him and he would have to think about the relationship (implying pulling it all into question). I expressed that I found this hurtful and he would then be outraged that I suggested he would ever give me that kind of ultimatum
– would also suggest living apart for periods (after I just moved in) to create instability
– he would constantly tell me I villainize him and couldn’t take responsibility for my own “terrible” behaviour

The list could go on forever – All of it had me question whether I was really the abusive one and I for sure shouted at moments I felt overwhelmed, I got emotional when I was pushed into horrible situations and I resented him enormously at times.

It wasn’t until I left and spent more time with the people in my life I love and who care about me in return that I could see how twisted it all was… these relationships take so much of our perspective away and I believe we lose touch with ourselves in a way that’s difficult to understand while we’re in it.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s not easy. I still have moments of doubt and feel crazy in moments when I look back… but coming out the other end, it’s a hell of a lot easier/clearer now I’m not in it.

I think if you can see that the things you’re being accused of are actually what you’re experiencing from him, it’s a fairly sure sign he’s projecting all the parts of himself he knows aren’t ok – onto you. Abusive people need to do this to avoid the shame and accountability in order to function.

I hope you’re able to look after yourself and keep posting – it helped me more than almost anything when I was trying to get the courage to leave

[Hereforclarity]

I can relate to a lot on here. Thankfully the hoovering has mostly calmed down after a pattern of it happening after (detail removed by Moderator) breakups.

My ex would take routes where he would be likely to bump into me i.e. (detail removed by Moderator). He would randomly text me something that is really hard not to reply to… i.e. (detail removed by Moderator).

(detail removed by Moderator) it’s seemed to have taken a twist where he’s randomly attempting to update me on his dating life it seems… e.g. (detail removed by Moderator)… He’s even gone as far as texting me about an (detail removed by Moderator).

I’m assuming these recent messages are designed to get a reaction from me and bizarrely (and badly) disguised as courtesy… When I’m typing it out – they’re not so subtle and it’s clear he wanted to let me know he was moving on/sleeping with people again. It’s almost funny he would go as far as letting me know about (detail removed by Moderator) to do this!

I think you can often tell with the random hoovering texts they’re designed so – If I were to call him out on his attention seeking behaviour, he would immediately twist it and tell me I was being hostile when he’s only trying to be responsible/sensitive. This seems to be thematic with lots of women I speak to about this kind of thing is that there’s a lot of maddening deniability to the way they reach out.

I’ve found the most peace by completely ignoring this kind of hoovering. I know it’s much more complicated when there’s kids involved but I wonder if there’s a way for you to minimise engaging when you know he’s being manipulative/wanting a specific reaction from you. I hope things feel a bit easier and manageable for you soon and I’m sorry you have to keep dealing with him

[Hereforclarity]

Hi tired and drained. I’m really sorry to read how you’re feeling and what you’re going through… Though reading it – I could have written this myself. I’ve been looking forward to Monday so I can keep myself busy and not spend so much time thinking about what happened and forced time with colleagues so I’m not alone.

You’re absolutely not alone on this forum and from writing on here myself and receiving replies from others – what you’re going through is completely normal. If it helps to know – I was in your position for years and it took me finding things he’d wrote, screenshots and photos for me to confirm the gut feeling I had was true. It was gut-wrenching to see the truth (that he didn’t care) but if you can, don’t wait for your confirmation if you can help it.

If he is still contacting you and begging to see you via the only avenue he can find – he isn’t respecting your wishes or what you need (I would guess you couldn’t imagine yourself doing this if someone made it clear to you they didn’t want to be in touch). Your gut is telling you absolutely everything you need to know – but I know how tough it is when you’re missing the part of them they wanted you to believe they were (or maybe only a small part of who they actually are). The thing is – these questions you’re asking yourself (and the same I’m going through) is torture. Nobody gets there on their own without going through a lot of confusion, gaslighting and manipulation. I always found it helpful to remind myself – these aren’t normal questions in a healthy dynamic and to keep looking back at journals/my accounts of the bad time to remind myself what it was really like.

Right now the small things to take care of yourself are so important… If you don’t have energy to see friends and family – ordering/cooking your favourite food, making a soothing bedtime routine, watching a comforting movie, listening to music you loved (before this relationship), borrowing someone’s pet to take care of for a day or two, going out for a coffee and having a chat with the barista. It all counts and just allowing yourself to grieve what you wanted in this relationship.

You’re going to find your own way and there are lots of women on this journey with you. Reach out here when you need to and I hope everyone’s responses here take a little weight off the heaviness. Sending big hugs xx

[Hereforclarity]

You’re so welcome and if it only reaches yourself and makes a difference to you to see this, that’s enough.

There’s so much more to life after surviving abuse and I knew how hard it was for me to see the point or what life could be like again. I couldn’t have imagined a time when it wasn’t on the forefront of my mind and I now go days without feeling the pain of remembering it. I’m Looking forward to it being a distant memory.

Sending you all the strength and hugs to make the best choices for you xx

[Hereforclarity]

Thank you for your reply. It’s good to remember there’s this addiction element to healing too.
It’s such a silent struggle when most people aren’t very familiar with how it all works, so thank you for responding.
This forum always makes me feel less alone x

[Hereforclarity]

I’m sorry you’re situation is complex and you’re having to stay in touch.
It’s so difficult to stay in a strong head space all the time isn’t it?
Sometimes I think there’s a loss in not being able to just grieve a relationship “normally” for a lack of a better phrase? There’s a beauty and a freedom in feeling like you miss someone or relationship you had, being able to part ways with love and respect, keeping someone close to your heart knowing that your life was better because they were in it for a while…
Whenever my mind wanders and wishes for that kind of ending with him – I get that simultaneously pang of shame, sadness and guilt for wanting that? Or even missing parts of him/the relationship.
I guess that’s just wanting what “should” have been like you say.

You’re right that these moments always come up in lonelier times. The guy I tried to date for a little while just broke things off with me (detail removed by Moderator) can’t say it’s a surprise when I’m so closed off and scared of being vulnerable again – but wow it’s hard after coming out of an abusive relationship to put faith in it all.

I hope you can find some peace amongst all the ups and down soon x

[Hereforclarity]

Exhausting really is the word. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job keeping contact as neutral as you can. This must be so draining for you!

I know lots of women have felt better once they’d formalised child contact and developed a routine where they don’t have to see their ex during handovers. I’m sure it’s something you’ve thought about before and I don’t know your situation – but I wonder if there’s a way for you too. I just wish no one had to keep on staying in contact with abusive ex partners. It seems so unfair.

Trust your intuition and take care of yourself xxx

[Hereforclarity]

Thank you so much for your encouraging words.

The ironic thing is due to my line of work – I actually work vey closely with these issues (Not to be too specific). It often adds to my feeling of guilt that ” I should know better” and I often minimise my own experiences as they’re not as bad as a lot of women’s I come across on a regular basis. You think it would help? But it just seems like another way logic has gone out the window through all of this. It makes the idea of going to the freedom programme or group work seem very surreal and feels as if I’m taking space where I shouldn’t be…? Not sure if I’m making sense.

It really does seem like the bumps in the road just seem to surface when you don’t expect and the feelings that come with it can be so raw can’t they? You’re right that the sense of urgency and craving an abusive persons approval does feel like a strong pull (Even now) I find myself making choice I think he would “respect” or “approve of” and get anxious when I do things I know he wouldn’t like…

Think I’m just struggling a bit with the unfamiliar feelings of bitterness/resentment that he seems to be OK and doing well while I’m scraping myself off the floor and worrying about all these insecurities I didn’t use to have to this degree… I know you can’t tell by a glimpse on social media how someone is and I don’t wish him or anyone ill will or harm… I’m just bubbling with all sorts of unprocessed anger and sadness. It all just feels quite unfair doesn’t it? Not sure how else to say it…

I guess any feelings after abuse are somewhat normal reactions to abnormal circumstances like you say. I’m just tired of how much work goes in to feeling barely OK and being robbed of my sense of intuition like you say. I know it’s not completely gone and I hope things will start to shift soon.

Thank you again for such gentle and kind words. I’ve really needed a space to get this off my chest and your response was really comforting x

[Hereforclarity]

Thank you for this and I think deep down I know I’ve been reacting not causing heavy conflict myself organically… Thank you for sharing your experience too and I’m sorry you can relate.

I’m just not used to looking at dynamics where I feel so blaming of someone else because… well I guess their treatment of me was this bad. Usually Id feel much more diplomatic and willing to come to a middle ground with someone, but when you’re so disrespected and the person responsible doesn’t want to or can’t see it – it’s so maddening. It DOES then feel like you’re constantly blaming your partner for the problems which doesn’t feel good.

I think because a lot of the time his style of abuse was covert – he always found ways to justify himself – He would call his values “old fashioned” when he was being sexist/possessive/telling me I couldn’t wear something, call his demands “boundaries” (when it had nothing to do with his own needs and more to do with controlling what I did/didn’t do), He would often be the one talking calmly and composed when he was actually talking down to me like a child until I exploded… I can’t count the amount of times when he got incredibly angry when I didn’t come running to him as soon as he had a problem or when I prioritised my needs over his (In a reasonable way – not always). The double standards he would reframe in ways to justify why it was OK for him to do something/get angry at something when I wasn’t allowed to be… Not to mention the daily wearing me down/needing to have “serious conversations” about my behaviour with other men/about how little I appreciated him and poking holes in how I treated him/ How it was my fault that he was feeling suicidal (he never said the words but heavily insinuated this – so it was deniable)… regardless of everything above. Of course this isn’t everything, just writing what comes out when I think about it.

It was so mad trying to explain to a grown adult how disrespectful and uncaring being treated like this felt… All the while he would talk about how generous and empathetic he was… He would talk about equality and feminism and had a huge understanding of how to talk about the things that would make you feel you were in company of a progressive and caring person.

So when I look back and see what I was trying to navigate and trying to explain to my partner until I was blue in the face that it all felt wrong – I can see how he could even convince himself that my anger was a problem instead of what was making me angry… I could see how someone in his position would think I couldn’t take criticism. He would tell me I made everything about me, that my emotions were always the biggest in the room and that was controlling, that I was overly emotional. I just felt so lost in it all and I clearly should have ended it sooner – but then every time I tried he would beg to get back together and suddenly understand how he’d been and how much he hurt me… It would then just get turned around so quickly and I’d be told I couldn’t accept my part in it…

Maybe there’s some truth in it about not taking enough responsibility – I mean I didn’t take any of the treatment lying down and I put up a fight when I felt controlled/manipulated. This in itself is probably enough for an abusive person to think of another as the problem/abuser.

Sorry for the rant – I’m not expecting more replies. It just really helps sometimes to articulate these thoughts and gain some clarity for myself.

[Hereforclarity]

Thank you for your kind words and generous reply. You’re right about not needing to tell him what I know.. As much as I want him to realise he’s making a bit of a fool of himself from here to say the least and leave me in peace… of course it will backfire.

It’s such a horrible feeling isn’t it… I started to realise the denial itself was the thing I was almost “addicted” to for the lack of a better phrase? It felt like when I was trying to work towards moving forward it was so difficult to sit in the reality of what happened – slipping back into denial felt like such a relief? almost so much that it was a high compared to reality and a really reliable mechanism/instant pain killer.

His denial on top of mine made it such an up-hill struggle I felt like I gave up with it all. I started to wonder “if he could be in such denial about his part in it – maybe I’m just as unaware as him” and “I’m just as bad or the problem… Maybe he’s right about everything and It’s my reaction to him that’s the problem” etc etc.

At this point it now feels like I’m back at the bottom of the hill again by choosing to honour my experience and what happened and it’s so daunting not giving myself the way out I’ve been using.

I’m sure me writing all this makes me sound a bit obsessive and negative (I promise I’m not talking like this all the time!). I’m hopeful things will start to feel a bit easier and I’ll get tired of over analysing it all and trying to make sense of why.

I’m really grateful for you reply and women like you make this all feel a bit easier to process x

[Hereforclarity]

Hi Shazza,

Thank you so much for replying and sharing your experience too. I’m sorry you can relate so much to what I’ve written and I hope this week is one of the better ones for you.

It’s mind boggling isn’t it – it feels almost automatic to slip into denial… I find it happens more when I’m already exhausted and can’t face what’s really going on. Like you also said – when you find things like this – you absolutely know there’s no point in confronting someone when there’s never any true accountability. I think the only thing that was making me consider doing it was to almost force myself out of any potential denial in the future – but it’s not worth it like you say and I’m sure I’ll be on the receiving end of a lot of gaslighting if I did.

It’s really comforting to have women like yourself replying and sharing – I’m honestly not sure how well I’d be coping without this space, so thank you again and I hope you’re taking good care of yourself x

[Hereforclarity]

Hi Bananaboat, Thank you for such a warm messages. It means so much in a moment like this – it’s been so difficult to put this into words and feel confident enough to say it as most people don’t really understand how you can live in denial like this and articulate it/come in and out of living in reality?

I’m trying what you’re’ suggesting and will be tapering off any replies so hopefully he’ll just get bored. I think you’re right – until he’s out the picture completely it’s probably going to be a struggle. In hindsight it’s really obvious that he got so good at dragging me into a dynamic with him where he would try make me prove how much I cared about him (the classic; “if you ever cared about me… you would” or bringing up literally anything he’s ever done for me). It feels like I’ve got a hard habit to break in that sense and have to let go of trying to prove anything, explain myself to him or gain his approval.

I just can’t imagine thinking/writing or expressing anything like what I found about anybody I was with – it truly blows my mind how men like this view their partners/women. It feels like such an incredibly emotionally detached way to be in the world I can’t get my head around it…

A counsellor is probably a good next step. Thanks again for taking time to reply, your words have really made me feel less alone x

[Hereforclarity]

Thank you. It’s so mind-bending when you receive messages which project exactly how I’m feeling and being on the receiving end of even more anger after the way he’s been treating me. I’m definitely not perfect but it seems like he thinks his patterns of behaviour are generally normal or at worst a bit eccentric or old-fashioned. It would make sense then for him to think my reactions were the problem.

Whenever I speak to friends (and I try to be as matter of fact and open as I can) they can’t believe what I had to endure in that relationship. It’s just so hard to sit with the reality when I can still hear his voice ringing in my head about how my friends weren’t reliable, how much I was exaggerating and in the end tried to convince me I had anger issues. He always made sure to let me know in some way that I never had a right to display anger towards him regardless of what he did (unless it was extreme/obvious *to him*).

You’re right – writing things down and posting on here does help and I hope the fog will start to lift a bit more… I guess there’s probably two paths to take and both include loss. It feels like choosing between keeping my head in the sand and not accepting the truth and losing more of myself in the process… Or accepting what happened and who this person is in their entirety and that they were abusive and lose them/the idea of what it all meant. It’s no brainer isn’t it really? I wish it felt as emotionally straight forward.

Thank you again for replying to my post and I really appreciate your kind words, tips and generosity of sharing your experience too. I hope you’re doing better since leaving your situation and I’ll carry on finding ways to interrupt the more intrusive unhelpful thoughts.

xxx

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