Hetty

[Hetty]

Kip is right. It’s crazy making the situations they put us in. I said and did things I would never do in normal circumstances. When we are living with these men we are under constant threat of attack, being goaded and controlled. It’s utter torture. Know your truth. You are entitled to walk away from a relationship that no longer makes you happy. It’s so hard having so many doubts. Only when you’re out of the drama will you really be able to make sense and reclaim your true self. So so many of us have been where you are and are no on the other side. You don’t have to live like this xx

[Hetty]

It sounds like you’re having a really hard time thinking over the details of your relationship with your ex. It’s really hard to process. Have you ever reached out to a domestic abuse service for support? I wonder if it might help you at this time. I know you’ve said you’ve had therapy but not sure if this was specialised.
You said that you didn’t let it go that he’d cheated. What were you supposed to do? Just accept the man you loved has done this to you and act like nothing had happened. That wouldn’t be reasonable or normal. Acting in the ways that he did is certainly not a way you’d expect a loving partner who genuinely wanted to rebuild the relationship to behave. Often these men do cheat – it’s another abusive tactic.
Your friends and family are telling you they saw through him. Listen to them when you feel yourself questioning or doubting. Domestic abuse is so complex. We live life second guessing, being told we are over reacting, being gaslighted. It takes a long time to find ourselves again.
Just because you didn’t speak out doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse. Ask yourself why you didn’t feel able to, all the times you felt uncomfortable. Surely an attuned partner would have seen your discomfort and unease. Often it’s what’s not said that communicates the loudest.
Stay strong and know your truth ❤️

[Hetty]

You are not responsible for how he feels regarding the reasons you have given for divorce. In my experience these men are very capable of re writing history and paint themselves in a different light, I don’t think they are even capable of admitting their behaviour to even themselves so entitled and self-righteous they feel. Know you truth and with each day that passes you’re one step closer to ridding yourself of him. You’re very brave. Keep focused on you ❤️

[Hetty]

I’m so sorry all these feeling and memories are coming back to you and causing you pain. It’s totally understandable given your long marriage and the divorce progressing.
It sounds like because you are a decent and emotionally healthy person you’re seeking for answers and I imagine having to leave your marriage was the last thing you wanted to do.
In a normal and healthy relationship you would expect not to feel pressured or bullied into sexual contact, you’d expect to be able to hand open communication about both your needs without it escalating. Certainly that behaviour is not going to bring connection and closeness in a marriage, rather do as I say when I say it. What a miserable way to live and you deserve more. Perhaps the question needs to be why you are carrying the blame and guilt. We aren’t able to put firm boundaries in place with these men or have our needs met. It becomes the only way to live is to tow the line.
Remember all the times you felt so unhappy in your marriage and look forward to a brighter future xxx

[Hetty]

In my experience that’s a major red flag – either you’re right that he is in another relationship and is keeping you at arms length or he has a pattern of difficult relationships. I’d be extremely cautious and listen to your gut. How many times do we all say – we didn’t trust our gut instincts and and regret it. What is your gut telling you? Xxx

[Hetty]

That’s your punishment for having a nice time. It’s such an awful way to live. I found there was never any point having it out with my ex. He thrived on the drama and it depleted all of my energy. My ex would sulk when I’d had a nice time or fight with me before I went out – just whatever he fancied at the time.
It’s so hard not to lose yourself in these relationships. It becomes easier and less stressful to tow the line, but at what cost?! We get one precious life xx

[Hetty]

You are asking a lot of big and important questions. It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed with it all. It’s important to break things down into smaller steps. Kip’s right – start getting advice. It’s a really hard thing to do when still living with the abuse. Break things down into one or two things you could reasonably do without overwhelming yourself or causing him to be suspicious.
There’s never a good time to leave really. I kept thinking, just another few years, I’ll wait until my child leaves school etc. I eventually left when it was literally get out or risk ruining my mental health for good and allowing my child to continue to be subjected to unacceptable behaviours with god knows consequences in the future. I am quite a long time out now.
You don’t have to live this way ❤️

[Hetty]

Been there. Nothing changes. If you believe him now it’ll only be a matter of time before the act is dropped and you’re back to living in hell. I went round this cycle many times over the years. In the end I left. Took me months and months to plan but I got out eventually. It was really hard to let go of my hopes and dreams and to see the reality of how I was living. You are only responsible for yourself. Dare to dream of a life free of this endless drama. It won’t stop until you make it. Stay strong ❤️

[Hetty]

I really feel for you. I can identify with some of what you’re saying. I must say that I don’t think constant lockdowns has done us any favours either. Far too much time at home certainly hasn’t helped in my house. I think Kip’s suggestion to speak with her counsellor would be a good starting point. I know the counsellor will need to remain centred to your daughter, but it would be helpful for them to have a full understanding of what’s going on. You could also speak with her school and see what else they could do to offer support.
Things have become so bad in my house I’ve needed to take some time off work and speak to my gp to try medication again. I felt I was on the verge of a breakdown. Not only dealing with the pre teen hormones but also the fallout of leaving an abusive relationship. Juggling work and being a single parent is so hard! My child sometimes says things my ex would say and that has been so triggering. It felt like I was right back in hell.
I’ve really just tried to pick my battles and I’ve also been honest about the behaviours that are unacceptable and how they impact me. I’ve also had to listen to my child’s feelings and anger at me for “causing this situation in the first place”. I have been trying to build in some time for me – even a walk with a friend to get some peace and I’ve stopped obsessing too much. I’ve got it wrong so many times but I do my best, as I’m sure you do.
Is your daughter seeing her dad? Is there a chance he could be fuelling the fire?
Be kind to yourself. Being a mother is hard at the best of times. Even in the dark times be proud that you’ve shown your daughter a strong role model ❤️

[Hetty]

I’ve been where you are. Felt totally overwhelmed and like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Lean on as many people as you are able to for support – whether that be for words of encouragement or a listening ear. Starting over is such a big thing to have to do while also coping with and eventually leaving an abuser. My first step was to go to my local domestic abuse service. At no point did they tell me what to do but they did help me to look at options. Break things down into small steps. You’ve raised some questions about renting – perhaps contact some letting agencies for advice, is there anyone who could act as a guarantor for you? You could also speak to your local housing service. Is there someone you could stay with temporarily? Would an agent accept personal references or is there someone you know who had rentals? Remember just one step at a time. If your safety is not immediately at risk you can take some time to make plans. This is what I had to do. Like you I felt huge guilt for doings things behind my exes back but it was self preservation pure and simple. Start putting yourself first ❤️

[Hetty]

Hi,
I just wanted to share that I stayed and went back for all the reasons you have shared. At first I told myself it was me, I needed to help him recover from an abusive childhood and then later I was stuck with a mortgage and other responsibilities that weren’t so easy to get out of. The longer I waited the more tangled our lives became. I was swept up and love bombed and before I realised what was going on it felt too late to leave.
If you haven’t read it already download ‘why does he do that?’ By Lundy Bancroft. It’s a real eye opener and helps to dispel the myths about why these men abuse women.
I finally left when I was on the verge of a massive breakdown. I just couldn’t take another day of name calling, silent treatment and walking on egg shells. Nothing massively horrible happened (nothing more than any other day) but I got a chance to move out and jumped on it.
It took me a long time to get to that point. Months of planning and talking through my options. My head was spinning. I also kept a diary of sorts on my phone so when the mr nice guy routine started I could remind myself of his hideousness. It also helped me see patterns emerge to his behaviour.
These men don’t change. My ex has had relationships before me and they were all the same. It’s important to prepare yourself for begging and pleading, and the chance he will move on quickly. This is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Start putting yourself first and hold tight those plans you have of life without him. We spend so much time thinking about what they have to offer another without thinking about we have to offer the world when free of abuse.
Good luck ❤️

[Hetty]

It’s all totally normal and understandable, especially when there are kids involved. There’s usually also that slither of hope that things will change.
Save yourself and your kids and be prepared for potential pleading, begging and promises of change.
For me, I left a lot in terms of material items, a beautiful home and what would look like a picture perfect marriage. On the inside I was dying.
Stay strong and focused. This forum is an immense support ❤️

[Hetty]

That sounds like a really positive step forward. Know your truth and I think Kip’s right, your friend’s ignorance is shining through. People say things from their frame of reference- some are in abusive relationships themselves and are in denial, some have been sucked in by our partner’s etc. You know the truth of your marriage and why you left. And even if he was a saint, you can walk away from a relationship that you are no longer happy in xx

[Hetty]

That’s such a good point about the attentive listening. My ex was Mr Perfect for at least the first big chunk of our relationship. Yet my GUT was screaming at me. Years later I’m out but how I wish I’d trusted my intuition. If it seems off it’s off, if it seems to good to be true it is!

[Hetty]

They hate everyone and everything unless they are pandered to and their needs are being met. My ex used to make things up when the fancy took him for a fight – looked at him the wrong way, say I’d moved his stuff even when I knew I hadn’t. His moods were so dark and I’d feel the cycle of abuse ramp up after a short honeymoon spell. They don’t change.
It’s not easy to leave but staying is the worse ❤️

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