Highway61

[Highway61]

I’ll have a look at that, thank you

[Highway61]

thank you KIP and yes, what Ive actually realised is that he uses my own moral compass against me, he sees it as an opportunity and a weakness for him to manipulate. I really appreciate this forum, after my time on here this morning I’m actually not sad, I’m mad! And I feel stronger. I always thought zero contact wasn’t possible because it ‘isn’t best for the kids’ but all it does is give the kids mixed signals and means they are exposed to him manipulating me over and over again. Zero contact it is. Thanks again.

[Highway61]

Absolutely, you are not alone, what you have described is so familiar to me. You said ‘I am not saying this for sympathy but because I am so unhappy’. Why wouldn’t someone who is so unhappy (because they are being treated so horribly) deserve our sympathy?
It takes a long time to work out if/how/when/why to leave. That feeling of loneliness can come from being isolated by his behaviour. I have to tell you, I have been lonely since I’ve left my husband but that loneliness is a symptom of the abuse. Abusers will isolate you and make you feel undeserving of love and attention and that any love and attention you ask for is somehow some indication of your own selfishness – of course, this is a lie and of course, a person who has been treated that way by someone who they love, will be lonely and isolated. The best thing about leaving is that I have the choice and the freedom and the support to know that I don’t have to feel lonely forever. The fact that you are here on this forum already means that you are hoping for somewhere safer and more nurturing and somewhere where you are heard. Imagine this space if it were not online, but in real life, perhaps even in your own home. Imagine that place not having to be secret, somewhere you could stay all day, not having to steal snippets of time. Imagine the names you speak to on this forum being real people, who you are close to, who care for you and who make time for you every day. My ex-husband used to tell me that I was imagining things, that the real world isn’t kind or happy and that I am deluded – but I’m out now and I can you tell you – he was lying to me.

[Highway61]

My partner wasn’t involved in a programme but the behaviour you’re describing reminds me of what he was like when I told him I wanted to end the relationship and we were still living together. In my experience, when asked to leave, he refused and the abuse then intensified. Luckily, I had started to engage with this forum and I had a very good friend who understood what was going on and was very supportive. Just because he is on a programme does not mean you have to be in a relationship with him and does not mean you should expect him to change. You do not owe him anything, you do not have to support him through the programme. Even if you are not ready to do it straight away you could always start to think and work out what your exit plan would be, find out who could help you with it and where you would go and which services would support you – start holding on to your own strengh. The fact that he is forcing you to kiss him is a warning sign from him that he could be forcing you to do much worse. It is confusing because he isnt doing much worse so you feel like you shouldnt complain and that you are probably wrong not to kiss him and you understand why he needs to kiss you and might be hurt by your behaviour. But he is not reciprocating your empathy. It is a way of controlling you and threatening you. You should not be treated like that. Remember that you don’t deserve to be treated the way he is treating you and it is not normal, healthy, or acceptable.

[Highway61]

Hi, I’m sorry to hear how you’re feeling about your friends. I recognise that feeling and I think, in general, even after talking to some friends who have been supportive and listen, I still ultimately feel very isolated and misunderstood so, perhaps this is part of the process. I also think, in an abusive relationship you become so numb to not being seen, or having any of your experiences validated and at the same time being told that no one knows or understands you like they do, that the need to be validated feels really strong and yet no validation feels like enough. One of my friends has barely asked me how I am and when I finally met up with her after the lockdowns told me, “Im sorry its been hard but time is a healer, at least he wants to see his kids, and Im sure you’ll be fine in the long run like me […]” and then proceeded to tell me all about her new job, including driving me to her work place to show me her new car and to show me all her new friends and projects and how what a totally new, wonderful person she has become!I felt like I just disappeared when she was talking and I realised that feeling like Ive disappeared is quite ‘triggering’, I don’t want to feel like that anymore. Do you feel like you could explain your feelings to your friends and they would understand? Or would it be turned on you? If it is turned on you – then these are not the friends that you need in your life. It is very lonely at times but the friendships that are truly reciprocal are so much more fulfilling and worthy of your time. You deserve those friendships. Take care xxx

[Highway61]

Hi Ocean,
It is confusing and painful and yes, I think the hardest part is realizing that he can continue to isolate you even when you no longer accept being isolated. Firstly, I learned not to care at all what his family or friends think of me because I know they will be fed a pack of lies and whatever I say I’ll be on the back foot and sound even more unstable than he has claimed me to be…forget them. The hardest part is realizing that people who you thought you could turn to, who would understand you and not him, are all to willing to believe him or at least question your experience. This is not just hard because you need support and they can’t provide it but also, in my experience, emotionally feels like being gaslighted all over again. Makes you question yourself and feel isolated again and so is really a continuation of the abuse. What I have learned is to seek support from the forum and I also have a very good counsellor, I hope you have access to similar support or seek it. but it is a lonely process. Keep on moving through it and remember you are learning every day about the people that you can trust and who you want to have in your life in the future. It is their mistake. Not yours. Strength to you. You decide who you want in your life, don’t chase those who can’t see you or show a basic level of empathy. Take care x

[Highway61]

Thank you for this. It has been a difficult day. Only yesterday I was marvelling at how far I had come since I left him (detail removed by Moderator) and then today something knocked me back. But the spark to heal is very powerful. A good reminder to hold on to your inner strength. All the best x

[Highway61]

Hi, you are not alone. I am looking at the board tonight, unable to sleep, anxious and feeling confused and lost and angry and like I’ve wasted time just as you are. Its reassuring to read how similar our experiences are, as it reaffirms the truth about the abusive relationship. But it doesnt make all those emotional you have described go away. Have you got any counselling to help you talk through and grow from these feelings. All I would say is try to hold onto that feeling of wasted time and turn it into a positive decision, not to waste anymore. This is not the end of your whole life. It will be an opportunity to build the life you want, and you dont want a life with an abusive partner. These things are easy to say, some days I believe them, some days it feels very hard. Let yourself feel the grief but dont act on it. Act on the thoughts that will move you forward and get a really good therapist who understands the complexity of the emotions that you are feeling. He is not going to change but you are right, your brain is still living out a fantasy/trauma bond. Take care of yourself be gentle with yourself xxx

[Highway61]

Hi Star77, Keep hold of that feeling that it is all a step forward to reclaiming your life. I have been in the same place as you and if you keep hold of that positive idea, even when your body and mind are tormenting you, it will get you through the worst of it. I am about a year on from leaving and I will be honest, I am still coming up against myself regularly, but when I look back at how I was last year…well…it’s such hard work but it is definitely worth it. Keep the faith. Your body and mind are releasing all the tension, stress, fear and self-doubt that you have been holding onto and denying in order to survive in your relationship. Keep asking for help. I have found it really hard to explain what is going on to my friends/family sometimes because I actually don’t feel like I can talk about it without completely unravelling and I don’t want to do that and sometimes because, when I have explained it I have been upset to find that some people don’t understand and that, perhaps it wasn’t just my relationship with my husband that was unhealthy. That’s why the forum and services are so vital. I don’t feel like you can stop the trauma impacting your relationships, I think the trauma will reveal which relationships are worth your time and effort and which are ultimately going to be triggering for you, you might find that you want to let some relationships slide for a little while so that you can put yourself first and surround yourself with people who are going to take care of you in the same way that you would take care of them. Personally, when I first left and probably for most of this year I have limited my contact with my friends to make time for myself to process the trauma but I have done this with weekly support from my counsellor and the ongoing support of two very good friends who are happy to zoom or leave voice message if I want to chat but can’t face leaving the house. The friends and family who have understood this are the ones I am most greatful of. Put yourself in places where you feel safe and make note of when/why you dont. I feel like I could rabbit on for ages! I really feel what you are going through. Take care x

[Highway61]

Good for you. I just spoke to my brother and he told me. “Don’t you sit around feeling bad because other people are rubbish (he used a slightly less polite term!). Everytime someone else is rubbish you’ve just moved up a place in the world’s pecking order. It’s a cause for celebration. Cut them loose. You don’t need to waste your time”. Never a truer words. Easier said than done sometimes but look forward to the days when this attitude feels like second nature.

[Highway61]

I know what you mean. I think with being in lockdown and being depressed I haven’t really had to deal with it, I’ve
been very isolated, so it hasn’t just come up in conversation. Now I am finding when I meet people and they bring up ‘the divorce’, not all friends, but friends who I thought I could talk to are responding in really unexpected ways. I have just been on a walk with one of them and again feel compelled to go on the forum because I feel confused and isolated and misunderstood or feel like it has basically been implied that I am paranoid and making things up. Feels like ten steps forward, 8 steps back. Glad to be on the forum. Please feel free to message if you feel stuck. I was on the forum a lot when I was about to leave. I hope I can be of support to others as much as I have had support on here.

[Highway61]

Hi, thanks for your message and understanding. I think I am realising that I want to step away a bit from her. I feel like I might be repeating some of the patterns that I had I my relationship with my husband. I think she does have some n********tic behaviour and I ‘understand’ her so try and compensate and excuse what is really quite hurtful behaviour. I think I am finding her difficult because the way I feel is similar to the way I feel with him NOTE THAT! Thank you so much for your support and understanding. All the best to you x

[Highway61]

Thank you for your message. It can feel like such a lonely process sometimes, it is only coming on the forum and hearing my own experience reflected back at me that I know I haven’t gone completely mad and imagined the whole thing! It is really good to have friends who know nothing because it means you can exist in a world where he doesn’t exist at all!!! Brilliant! But we also need closer friendships than that don’t we? Yes, my friendships were like yours, the person I am taking about it is 1 out of 2 close friends I had when I was with him. I am just shocked really and sad that I now feel isolated by her. Learning to hold your space and value those who you trust the most. Urgh! It’s hard work isn’t it? So, thank you for your message and hugs xxx

[Highway61]

And thank you, wants to help. I do think I have had a crash. I suppose it is inevitable. This is what has saddened me. He has not listened to a word I have said throughout this separation. All of the reasons, all the personal things I have told him all the help he said he was offering and he has just taken everything out of me and still continues to prioritise his own authority and needs and disrespect my boundaries and in the process create a complete illusion of why we have split up and that we are still friends and he is still telling me how tired he is and the problems he has in the house as if I should give a shit! As if he hasnt hurt me at all. As if we’ve just split after (detail removed by moderator) a marriage and two kids because I was a bit fed up with him (detail removed by moderator)! Urgh. Sorry to rant on. I will maintain my boundaries. It is just dawning on me how much work I am going to have to do on myself. Thank you for your support. It’s so helpful x

 

[Highway61]

Hi I think you are right about dissociation. I have previous trauma and have experienced this before but didnt really click as it came along with other symptoms. I think I have been in this state most of the time when he was here, i thought when he was gone I would be okay but even without him here this is what i do. When i cried it was when i realised this and the amount of pain his has caused me and damage he has done me suddenly clicked. And yet at times I have missed him. I hate him. He is in my brain so much and he is still carrying on and pretending to be my friends and I am enabling him because I want things to be easy on the kids. I will have to take each day as it comes. When I knew it was time to collect them I got showered, dressed, headed out the door and we have had s lovely afternoon. I love them so much. I am so proud of them. Thank you so much for your message x

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