HunkyDory

[HunkyDory]

Hi Okay, well done. If you feel you are in danger, please call the police and tell them you’re scared of him coming round.

It will get better, believe me xx

[HunkyDory]

Hi there. Can you get someone to do the email communication on your behalf? A trusted family member or friend? That way you have completely no contact, and he won’t be able to continue to abuse you that way.

Xx

[HunkyDory]

Hi, really good to read you’re out. Congratulations and well done 👍

It’s early days for you. For me, the answer to your question was time and absolutely zero contact. I felt very guilty and sorry for him early on. I desperately wanted him to be ok. It’s all part of the FOG of abuse as I learnt. I started to understand and then believe that he chose to abuse me and it’s absolutely not my fault that he’s in the position he is.

My advice would be to look after yourself, have no contact with him whatsoever. Change your mobile number, use a new email address, block him on everything or even better take a break from any social media for a while.

I’m more than a couple of years free and apart from a wobble when he got through to my phone with a new number (which prompted me to change the number I’d had for decades), I now couldn’t give a flying fff fig what he’s doing, where he is or who he’s with. I couldn’t care less.

Good luck, keep posting for support and you’ll find your way through the FOG.

All the best HD x

[HunkyDory]

Hi well done on getting out.

If you are seriously concerned he might harm himself (had the same with my ex, the police who were involved towards the end before he left said they see this a lot and it is extremely rare that they do actually harm themselves), ask the police to do a welfare check on him. This will give him a wake up call and might bring an end to his toddler tantrum – because that is most likely what he is doing – and trying to maintain control over you – don’t fall for his nonsense.

Good luck & keep strong x

[HunkyDory]

No wonder you’re confused. Double standards, controlling, gaslighting, moving goalposts and projecting – all standard abusive behaviors. Believe me this isn’t going to go away and in fact will probably get worse. My advice is the same, I’d leave this relationship before it does get worse and it gets more difficult to get out. The fact he switched tactics as you were about to leave just shows how he’s moving through the cycle. Be careful Xx

[HunkyDory]

Hey, your situation sounds so so similar to the one I had with my ex. I was fortunate in that he left the country – his decision after a vicious attack on me – and I made sure he couldn’t come back (he didn’t have full leave to remain). It was a long time coming and I had almost a decade of physical, emotional and financial abuse.

It’s different for you, we had no children, but my advice would be to get yourself a support network and make a safe plan to leave via womens aid or a local charity. You and your child deserve so much better. X

[HunkyDory]

Hi, I agree with the ladies, sounds off to me. My ex was from (detail removed by moderator) too and used to go back for weeks on end. When I went, he insisted he went for a week or two before me, or stay on after I came back. Along with the other abuse, I found he was sending & receiving explicit messages from women in his home town. Never got concrete proof of physical cheating but it was highly likely and that was enough for me. He was the same, never thought about me, always him him him, isolating me from everyone as well.

Definitely make sure you have the children’s passports safe, ideally with someone you trust and not hidden in the house. Trust your gut, it’s always right xx

[HunkyDory]

Well done for joining this wonderful supportive community. The ladies here helped me no end through my trauma, I’m sure they will give you all the support and help you need. Please keep posting, you’re with friends now xx

[HunkyDory]

Hi @strongenough I was out with some old friends the other week. One of them is a “big advocate” of preventing domestic abuse and constantly shares white ribbon posts on her social media. We were discussing a friend who we suspect might be in an abusive relationship and she said “she should just leave him” 🤦‍♀️ I said it’s not as easy as that. She quietened down because she knows I’ve been there and I know ! But yea folks who haven’t been through this (lucky them) really don’t understand it. 💕xx

[HunkyDory]

Massive red flags, your post actually triggered me. This is horrible behaviour and the fact he’s punching walls…. I’d make a pretty sharp exit from the relationship if I was in your shoes xx

[HunkyDory]

I think eventually you will come out of the exhaustion cycle (absolutely drains you after the horrible rants and I understand it’s hard to get the energy to make a plan) and accept that leaving is the best option for your own mental heaths sake. Just do it safely xx

[HunkyDory]

Hi CuriousB

Every relationship is different as are the endings. I was fortunate that he left and I was able to block his return (he is from another country) so in a lot of ways it was “easy” for me. I was trapped in the cycle of abuse for nearly a decade.

A lot of what you say resonates with me so much, I could never be in a bad mood or grumpy either, you feel like you have to have your face straight at all times.

People who haven’t been affected by abuse find it difficult to comprehend why we don’t “just leave”. Of course it’s not that easy. Which is why so much of my help and support came from this group rather than my friends and family and even a counsellor, who were like rabbits in headlights – they had no idea how to help me.

I’ve seen other ladies on the forum who’ve made their safe exit plans without their partner knowing and have successfully left the relationship. Sorting out where to go (do you have children together? Can you arrange to stay with family or friends or even arrange a new place to live?) and ideally having someone with you on the day you leave is a good idea.

The trick is staying away, because the attempts to get you back will make your head spin. When you leave, going absolutely zero contact is the way to go. Block him everywhere so he doesn’t get the chance to Hoover you back in.

The relief I felt after he’d gone was immense, but coping with the aftermath of grief and guilt is very hard for some time so be prepared for that.. look after yourself, keep posting and feel free to pm me if you want

XxHDxx

[HunkyDory]

Hey I just wanted to show some support. You’re not going crazy, it’s exactly how he wants you to feel. My ex used to be exactly the same. My reaction to anything was wrong – you fall over yourself trying to get the response right. Then it would my face – what’s wrong with it, that
I looked angry / dismissive / whatever reaction he didn’t want. I would work so hard to have my face “in neutral” to not upset him (it would be random, not especially mid argument). It was ridiculous.

Unfortunately there’s no arguing with an abuser because they believe they are always right. And yes, it is exhausting. He’s making you feel like a monster because that’s his aim – you’re not a monster. The following, berating etc escalated to violence with me. Be very careful. Abuse escalates, it never, ever gets better. Threats of suicide more often than not are just that, threats to keep you controlled.

Like you I felt I had no one, to everyone else we were a happily married couple. I told no one of the hell I was living in. Abuse thrives on silence too.

If you feel you want to leave, don’t tell him. Make your exit plans secretly and try to build a support network, find somewhere to go. Speak with your local domestic abuse teams or the online chat about creating a safe exit plan.

Try reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, or Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

Keep posting on here for help and advice, you will get lots of support from like minded ladies.

Good luck
xxHDxx

[HunkyDory]

Oohhh I’m so glad you’re out too iliketea! I remember you too x are you getting some help with ptsd? I hope you’re through that horrible stage soon. Life is waiting….. 💕

[HunkyDory]

💕

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