Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

I’m sorry you have this too. I didn’t realise this was common. Mine did it. I can’t eat around him anymore. I feel too self conscious. Do you have any support? It’s so hard dealing with it without support. xx

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

I’ve got an advocate related to the professionals work but she doesn’t know about the abuse. I was scared to tell her but decided to give an edited version when she’s free. The process is slow though. My local da services aren’t good. I’ll go through the national helpline if I ever get ready to leave. I thought I was but this is taking all my focus. I’ll just have to keep trying I suppose but needed to vent. They are doing so much that he’s done minus the physical violence. I felt knocked down by it all.

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

You’ll think I’m really stupid because it’s a major red flag I guess? The two exes he was with the longest were “mental”.

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Hi, I’m so sorry you feel so alone and unsupported. I felt exactly the same just a few days ago. So defeated, like knocking desperately on doors begging for help but door remained shut. I don’t know if that’s how it feels for you? It’s horrible and hard but I really hope you can find strength from posting here and anywhere else that may help. I’ve found online support lifesaving really because I felt so low like you do. There some amazing kind people here who understand and care.

I’m determined to fight against localism of abuse services if I get through this. I’m guessing you may live in an area like mine where support is very limited. Everything CAB,MIND, mental health crisis, abuse support. It’s beyond hard when already dealing with abuse but please keep trying to get support. Try the national domestic violence helpline (apart from one bad experience, they were brilliant), Victim Support national line, Samaritans, MIND, Google if any other charities in your area or try neighboring area. Some people are so kind. Try not to get defeated by bad experiences. It’s a battle sometimes to get help. Post here, it’s been what helped get me through. Sorry this is long. I hope you get through this and feel a bit less alone. xx

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Hi Random

I’m sorry I don’t really have much to say to help especially because I’m taking painkillers that make me sleepy. It’s just your post was as if I’d written it. Im feeling the same, the same confusion. He’s also been less bad recently, less violent. I think it’s still best to think about leaving, at least so there’s a plan for emergencies? I feel the same as you that people lose patience but hopefully some understand. Its so hard, it’s not easy to leave but living on edge is hard too. I really hope you can get away from it too. xx

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Thank you Fizzylem and Lisa. I was feeling really defeated but I know I need to get stronger and try again. He’s being really nice at the moment. I still need to sort out what’s happened with the GP. They shook my trust so much and it’s hard not having GP support. It will definitely be away from where I live if I leave. I was ages ago offered a refuge space nearby before the local service was horrible (funding changed and a different service took over) but we’ve lived all over this city and he works here, he has friends here so I definitely have to leave my area. He’s being so nice now. I wish he’d stay like this. Thanks again it’s helped feeling there are options if I need them and get the strength.

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Hi. I probably can’t help at all because I don’t know what to say but I wanted you to not feel alone. I was feeling maybe similar to you yesterday but about my GP surgery instead of him. It’s stupid but it feels worse a professional letting you down but probably that’s because I’ve not left him yet so maybe trauma bond. You’ve obviously done so well because you’ve got away and no contact. That’s so good! It’s hard gettythe memories and bad feelings and hurt out of your head though. Its easier to say to someone else but is there anything even silly and small that you can distract yourself with? A nice bath, a film or book you like, a walk, a coffee out, a big slice of cake? I also daydream about events that happened but in my daydream I change how it happens. It’s not always good, sometimes I lose whole day to it but it helps me deal with things. I’m sorry if this doesn’t help. It’s so hard. xx

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Hi fizzylem. Thank you for your reply. I did feel desperate. I was feeling so bad yesterday actually but today’s it’s sort of like I’m numb. I’m so tired of trying to get help and trying to get myself strong. I think it must partly be me because I seem to antagonise all sources of help. My local da service didn’t help. They mainly only help with supporting you through court. Don’t help with housing. They made me feel like I was just after social housing and using abuse as an excuse. Its impossible in my area, housing, but I don’t want to and can’t stay here anyway so don’t know why they thought that.

I wish I was in Scotland. I’ve heard they help more sometimes. I was offered the number of a refuge in Scotland ages ago. I was too scared to dial the number at the time and obviously then the place was gone. Please no-one take this the wrong way, it’s only because I’m so scared and brain fog and everything, all help, seems so based on local help. Would I be resented if I did go to a Scottish refuge? Like taking the place from a Scottish woman. Please don’t hate me for asking. I know most people don’t think like that. I’m just scared of everything at the moment.

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

It’s so hard watching with them next to you. It’s weird because he changes the channel if there’s physical abuse. He doesn’t deny doing that to me, although it’s always him saying because I provoked him or pushed his buttons. The problem with this storyline is it’s helping him hurt me in more sneaky less obvious ways so no-one will believe me. I need them to believe me because I have no money to leave without help. It’s also so scary the CCTV stuff. He’s joked about recording me before. When I told a da service they dismissed it and said they were sure he was just trying to scare me. Even if that was the case seeing it on TV will give him ideas. It’s partly my fault. I said he was like the man on the show. He said he didn’t have CCTV but then gave me a look. I understand how important it is to have this storyline because hopefully it will make more people understand. Including professionals who haven’t understood when ive tried to explain. I actually think Im lucky there’s been physical violence because it’s proof to me and to professionals. Sorry that sounds awful.

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

You’re both right. I’m so sorry. I realise now I was posting too soon after bad experience with a professional who seemed surprised I had no support. I did have a support network and money (both gone now) so actually, yes, it is so much more than that.

I can’t believe how much it’s all taken over me. You’re so right about the emotional hold they have. Both of you are right. I’m sorry you’re both still going through abuse too. xx

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Hi Twisted Sister. I’m sorry for restarting an old thread but just wanted to thank you for your reply. It really helps not feeling alone. I’m trying to be strong, funny that actually when he’s worse I feel more like I can and should leave. I know I’ll try again, I have to. I still think it was so wrong what happened. I don’t want to make Lisa or anyone else at WA angry (understand if this is edited), it’s a one off bad egg, I’m sure, but I really do think she might have put off another woman from ever getting help again. She actually refused to check for a refuge space. Maybe my fault for being stubborn with wording, I can’t help it. She was saying you want a refuge? and I couldn’t help saying I didn’t want one, didn’t think any woman going wants to, but that I needed one. I know that’s silly but it’s how I feel. Surely none of us want to go to a refuge? It’s if you have to. Like going to hospital. Sorry, I’m thinking out loud now.

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Thank you Lisa.

I think the woman the other day was just one bad one because the helpline has been so helpful before. I do think she was really bad though and hope no other woman had any problems with her.

I know I need to try to leave in weekday daytime especially as actually I need public transport as can’t drive. I’m trying to plan again. So hard but posting here us helping. It was just something happened that made me so scared of what he’ll do if he finds out. Also I only have some chances to leave especially with up and down health and it’s so easy for him to make my health worse without being obvious.

 

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

I’m sorry you’ve been let down too, Cirrocumulus. When I’m not upset and scared, I’m angry about how many professionals either have no clue or are actually narcissists or bullies themselves. I’ve read that abusers will try to get jobs where they’re in positions of power.

It’s like a catch 22, I’ve found. If you are crying and falling apart, they say it’s your mental health. If you’re calm (on the surface) they say you’re lying or exaggerating. It’s like we can’t win. I desperately want to campaign for better training, awareness, and regulation if I make it through this.

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Thanks all of you. I think it’s definitely victim blaming by one of the GPs (she s snapped a while back, told me I was Xxx years old and should have got my life together. I was scared as it was during a bad time with him but she insisted it was all anxiety. The bully receptionists are abusing their power. They’re as bullying, and actually abusive, as he’s been (minus physical violence). I can’t explain it all properly because the heat gives me brain fog. I’m stuck indoors today because my health condition. I’m in pain. Without the medication is sort of like being without crutches or a walking stick.

Thank you, HopeLifeJoy, I feel sick having a warning letter on my medical notes with the receptionist lies but you’re right. I don’t think I can sort it until I’m away. I just don’t know how to register with a new GP with that on file.

I suppose he is still an abuser? He has been my only support really recently and mostly really lovely, but he gets angry if I’m upset about the consequences of his actions, that I’m in this medical mess.

I feel so ashamed about this. I don’t have any friends anymore. I reached out to one a few years ago. At first she seemed supportive but she didn’t really get it. She’s stopped messaging me.

[Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed]

Just wanted a quick vent before bed. I’m actually not that ok. I feel the same way I do after an incident with him. Just exhausted and so alone. I’d usually think of turning to the GP when struggling but they’re a big part of why I’m struggling. I have to deal with him at the same time as their bullying. I want to make it out of this mess partly now so I can make a proper complaint. I keep thinking maybe they don’t believe me about him. Has he spoken to them telling them I’m mad. Or are just badly failing in their duty of care. I’m sorry. I know I need to pull myself together. I’m posting here now, I’m not alone. I think I needed to get out what happened so it’s out there and known. I’ll try to get some me sleep. Thank you everyone xx

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