Forum Replies Created

Viewing 29 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #64196
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      FTC thats an awesome idea and I would never have thought of it!!! Thank you <3

    • #64195
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Well done!!!! xxx

    • #64192
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      I fully agree with Lisa, phone the helpline for safe advice. They were brilliant with me and helped me plan to leave as safely as possible xxxxx

      Good luck and love to you

    • #56157
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Thanks so much Serenity, I totally agree, you got to find what works for you and some writing and arts and crafts stuff I have done has been really helpful. I am glad I’ve come back to this forum, its so helpful to be around people who get you. I’ll try speak with KIP, thanks for the feedback <3 hopefully I can do something to pay it forward. Big love xx

    • #56150
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Ps this is just a hypothetical question as I know we cant put details on about what area we are from etc. I just am interested to hear from yall about what kind of thing would be helpful to you if it was available xxx

    • #56149
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Well done, take it slowly and 10 hours is great. I went back to work 22 hours and tbh was a bit too much and was overwhelming. Im ok now though and just wanted to say well done and it is one step at a time xxx

    • #56147
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      <3

    • #42112
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      @dragonfly – as far as Im aware, if he is on birth certificate and there is no order preventing contact from him then he can decide not to return them. You need to go to a solicitor asap and make an application to Court. If there is not actual evidence of him being abusive, the Court can have a fact finding hearing, which is when they hear from you both and decide basically who’s telling the truth. They don’t always do that though and most of the time parents will get some kind of contact. If you have been the primary carer for them and they are used to living with you, the Court will place a lot of value on that and likely agree they should return to you unless he can prove you are a risk to them. Get some legal advice asap as it really is something that can only be decided in Court. The court would take a dim view of him basically playing games and blackmailing you. Keep all messages.
      Don’t just give in to what he’s asking as thats what he’s hoping for. Have you got a GP or someone you can talk to?
      Try calling rights of women or the womens aid helpline can put you in touch with a solicitor for some advice. GOOD LUCK and dont give up xx

    • #39022
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Hi Patricia, night times are hard! I’ve heard samaritans are really good too xx

    • #39021
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Thanks Serenity – it’s hard not to internalise all the blame and feel guilty so it’s good to have ways to reframe it. Hope your son gets some support, building resilience is so key but I don’t find it that easy, mine don’t talk about stuff much so it’s hard to get to their feelings about it all. I think because they didn’t trust me for a long time to do anything about how they felt. In counselling if I was feeling really freaked out, my counsellor would get me to visualise me and the kids on a comfy sofa with a blanket all around us (this kind of came from me saying we liked to do this) and imagine us all together and safe. I find visualising thing like this and your example help drown out that bad stuff and push it out of my mind xx

    • #38921
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Oh thank you <3 I’ll try them too. Just feel so let down like you say. Thinking of how I can fight and challenge too xx Good luck and keep going too!

    • #38918
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Completely agree with Kip, it’s just to stop you going out again as too much hassle and sex when you’re asleep is not sex, it’s rape – sounds harsh but it absolutely is. It’s probably some sick way of making him feel as though you’re his and he can do what he wants. Can you call the helpline? Hope you’re ok xx

    • #38917
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      I think he’s probably saying he will get counselling etc as he realises you’re near the end of the line. It’s more than likely just stalling and changing tactics. Have you had some legal advice or called the helpline? If you are going to tell him it would be good to get some safety advice first. It sounds like you know what you want but are understandably worried about doing it.

      Threatening to hurt the kids is not acceptable and being cruel saying he would give pets away or rather have a son than his daughter is not ok at all. It’s intimidating and frightening and emotional abuse and it’s designed to keep you in your place. Make sure you get some legal and safety advice but it doesn’t sound like he’s taking any responsibility for his behaviour, just wanting to keep you hanging in there. Take care @Timetomoveon and sending love and positivity.

    • #38894
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Hi Fruit – sorry you’re not feeling good at the moment. I don’t know any charities that can help with counselling but maybe if you phone the helpline they could give you the name of the local DV service and they might have a therapy section. I was able to do counselling with my local service and they had different rates depending on your income so I paid £5 a session (I think they have a small charge as if its free people don’t always bother turning up). I had to wait months on the waiting list but it was so worth it and really helped me. I am on meds for anxiety still but the therapy was really helpful at thinking about the bigger issues. I know there are also apps you can get like Headspace that people say are good and my friend swears by mindfulness and meditation. There’s some therapy services on this website and some good advice: (link removed by Moderator)
      or also I find the Mind website helpful:(link removed by Moderator)
      Otherwise try your GP again, can you see someone else in the same surgery and explain your history? You’ve done really well to get away and get a home for you and your child. Well done and good luck, hope you can get some help xx

    • #38893
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Thanks @Kip I was thinking of ways to challenge the outcome for me and for her. She wrote an article about the Court experience and I think it made her feel better but I will tell her about getting the reasons. I want to sit down with this Police officer and ask him why did he not explore all the options? Why if he believes me 100% will he not progress the case as I think I can explain all the things the defence will leap on really well. Sorry you had an awful experience, I agree though, if we can try and challenge the system and hold make the police and courts accountable and more transparent then it will change. It has to 🙁

    • #38883
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      I also found 101 very helpful and there’s no obligation to take it further, you can just get advice.

    • #38882
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Hey, I know you’ve seen my post and the police were really nice but ultimately dropped it. It’s something only you can decide but even though they haven’t taken more action I am pleased I reported it as I I know he did it, the police know he did it and he knows the police know. If anything happens in the future its on record. BUT I feel in a place of relative safety so you have to think about that. Good luck, I have had some great support from an ISVA but it has been v hard emotionally – It’s brought a lot of things up and I had to go on anti anxiety meds. My ISVA says even if they don’t prosecute I am standing up for all women by speaking out BUT if you can’t or don’t feel able it’s completely understandable, it’s got to be the right decision for you and where you’re at. There’s no time limit on reporting rape so you can take your time and think about it. Sending love xx

    • #38881
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Thanks @fallingskys and @kip I will call Rape Crisis tomorrow, I feel like they were looking for reasons to drop it even though they said my video interview was really good and detailed. Who will they prosecute if you can’t have any issues. My friend went to Court for a non DV rape and not long ago and they pulled the short skirt and drinking excuses out and the accused was found not guilty. The system stinks. Thanks for the love xx

    • #38843
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      I don’t think so. You hear so many stories of them being continually abusive. And @bubblegum, mine used to say similar stuff,its all to make you feel like rubbish. Mine has a new GF and I feel sorry for her as I’m sure the same will happen. And no I don’t think abusive ex’s are good dads. If you are abusive to a partner then you are abusive full stop I think, although I used to be more soft and tolerant but now I can see things more clearly. Good luck and big hugs xx

    • #38842
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      @ayanna @kip thank you <3 The system is total rubbish. They just seemed to think it was too hard to bother, like they want a perfect victim with no baggage. I have an ISVA who is lovely and will speak to her on Monday. One of the reasons they gave is that I resumed a long term relationship with him afterwards. Don’t they understand DV&A at all? Thanks for your messages though, it helps. I will think about what to do if anything xx

    • #38760
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Sorry to hear its been so stressful Kitty, I can relate. Hope you have some support and try and take some time to look after yourself xxx

    • #37533
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      @iwillbeok, you will, she is in there! Be kind to yourself in the meantime – I think it takes a long time to get the toxic crap out of our heads and hearts but I’m gonna keep going and looking forward xxx

    • #36853
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Hey! Welcome 🙂 Just to say hi and I too was astounded at how similar all the experiences are. Keep going and there will be ups and downs but you’ll get there xxx

    • #35991
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Thanks everyone, really useful advice. <3

    • #35968
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Please call the helpline today and get some legal advice too if possible. I am so sorry you are in such a bad place. In my view it wont get better and attacking you and raping you is really serious. Nearly drowning you in public is really serious too and awful. It sounds so dangerous for you at the moment. I think you should try to leave asap if you can. Can you talk to a GP or someone? I am getting help from a sexual assault survivors charity now because of my ex raping me and they have been really nice and helpful.
      You could have a look on here http://rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php
      I think you are really brave and strong so far, try and get some really specific advice about your safety and how to leave and have a safe future. love to you xx

    • #35966
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      they should really be offering to support you themselves before going straight to SS but some schools arent very good at this xxx

    • #35965
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      I think schools get very confused about parents who arent together and what they should be doing. I would explain the situation and tell them about issues and not to call him and tell them about the sleep issues etc. I would then ask if they have anyone who can support you with sleep issues like school nurse (so you are accessing help) and say you obviously want them to be rested and be able to concentrate too. Feel for you – they should be understanding if you speak with them about DV. I guess they are worried as they are adding up the pieces and making assumptions and they have to be on guard for stuff obviously but sometimes jump ahead of themselves. Sending hugs xxx

    • #35763
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      I totally agree with the stupid names too! Why would mash mean anything to anyone who doesn’t work there and why send a confusing letter argh!

    • #35762
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Hi, I don’t know if I’m reading it different but I think they are saying they strongly suggest you get it done in Court as perhaps they think it should be formalised as in they dont trust him to do it safely just by arrangement with you. The family court is scary though and hard 🙁 My main suggestion before anything would be to get some free legal advice. I think WA helpline can set you up a phone consultation with a specialist solicitor who can help. They will tell you all your options whereas social services might tell you their suggestions more than all the options. You can get legal aid where there is DV and you wont be expected to do mediation with him. You need evidence, like – low income, DR’s letter, health visitor or people like that or police info. It’s quite long winded but I persevered and got it. (They make it bloody complicated on purpose I think). A solicitor will guide you through what you need.

      I would get the legal advice and then sit on it and see what his next move is as he might not bother. Anyway, hope I understood and this is helpful and not total waffle!

    • #35752
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      I totally agree with everyone above. WELL DONE for having the courage to go to Court and hold him accountable. I am so happy for you. You have done an amazing thing and help to break the silence and hold these horrible people accountable. I hope you have some support also. Big love to you!!!! <3 <3 xx

Viewing 29 reply threads

© 2025 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content