Indiamalachite

[Indiamalachite]

FTC thats an awesome idea and I would never have thought of it!!! Thank you <3

[Indiamalachite]

Well done!!!! xxx

[Indiamalachite]

I fully agree with Lisa, phone the helpline for safe advice. They were brilliant with me and helped me plan to leave as safely as possible xxxxx

Good luck and love to you

[Indiamalachite]

Thanks so much Serenity, I totally agree, you got to find what works for you and some writing and arts and crafts stuff I have done has been really helpful. I am glad I’ve come back to this forum, its so helpful to be around people who get you. I’ll try speak with KIP, thanks for the feedback <3 hopefully I can do something to pay it forward. Big love xx

[Indiamalachite]

Ps this is just a hypothetical question as I know we cant put details on about what area we are from etc. I just am interested to hear from yall about what kind of thing would be helpful to you if it was available xxx

[Indiamalachite]

Well done, take it slowly and 10 hours is great. I went back to work 22 hours and tbh was a bit too much and was overwhelming. Im ok now though and just wanted to say well done and it is one step at a time xxx

[Indiamalachite]

<3

[Indiamalachite]

@dragonfly – as far as Im aware, if he is on birth certificate and there is no order preventing contact from him then he can decide not to return them. You need to go to a solicitor asap and make an application to Court. If there is not actual evidence of him being abusive, the Court can have a fact finding hearing, which is when they hear from you both and decide basically who’s telling the truth. They don’t always do that though and most of the time parents will get some kind of contact. If you have been the primary carer for them and they are used to living with you, the Court will place a lot of value on that and likely agree they should return to you unless he can prove you are a risk to them. Get some legal advice asap as it really is something that can only be decided in Court. The court would take a dim view of him basically playing games and blackmailing you. Keep all messages.
Don’t just give in to what he’s asking as thats what he’s hoping for. Have you got a GP or someone you can talk to?
Try calling rights of women or the womens aid helpline can put you in touch with a solicitor for some advice. GOOD LUCK and dont give up xx

[Indiamalachite]

Hi Patricia, night times are hard! I’ve heard samaritans are really good too xx

[Indiamalachite]

Thanks Serenity – it’s hard not to internalise all the blame and feel guilty so it’s good to have ways to reframe it. Hope your son gets some support, building resilience is so key but I don’t find it that easy, mine don’t talk about stuff much so it’s hard to get to their feelings about it all. I think because they didn’t trust me for a long time to do anything about how they felt. In counselling if I was feeling really freaked out, my counsellor would get me to visualise me and the kids on a comfy sofa with a blanket all around us (this kind of came from me saying we liked to do this) and imagine us all together and safe. I find visualising thing like this and your example help drown out that bad stuff and push it out of my mind xx

[Indiamalachite]

Oh thank you <3 I’ll try them too. Just feel so let down like you say. Thinking of how I can fight and challenge too xx Good luck and keep going too!

[Indiamalachite]

Completely agree with Kip, it’s just to stop you going out again as too much hassle and sex when you’re asleep is not sex, it’s rape – sounds harsh but it absolutely is. It’s probably some sick way of making him feel as though you’re his and he can do what he wants. Can you call the helpline? Hope you’re ok xx

[Indiamalachite]

I think he’s probably saying he will get counselling etc as he realises you’re near the end of the line. It’s more than likely just stalling and changing tactics. Have you had some legal advice or called the helpline? If you are going to tell him it would be good to get some safety advice first. It sounds like you know what you want but are understandably worried about doing it.

Threatening to hurt the kids is not acceptable and being cruel saying he would give pets away or rather have a son than his daughter is not ok at all. It’s intimidating and frightening and emotional abuse and it’s designed to keep you in your place. Make sure you get some legal and safety advice but it doesn’t sound like he’s taking any responsibility for his behaviour, just wanting to keep you hanging in there. Take care @Timetomoveon and sending love and positivity.

[Indiamalachite]

Hi Fruit – sorry you’re not feeling good at the moment. I don’t know any charities that can help with counselling but maybe if you phone the helpline they could give you the name of the local DV service and they might have a therapy section. I was able to do counselling with my local service and they had different rates depending on your income so I paid £5 a session (I think they have a small charge as if its free people don’t always bother turning up). I had to wait months on the waiting list but it was so worth it and really helped me. I am on meds for anxiety still but the therapy was really helpful at thinking about the bigger issues. I know there are also apps you can get like Headspace that people say are good and my friend swears by mindfulness and meditation. There’s some therapy services on this website and some good advice: (link removed by Moderator)
or also I find the Mind website helpful:(link removed by Moderator)
Otherwise try your GP again, can you see someone else in the same surgery and explain your history? You’ve done really well to get away and get a home for you and your child. Well done and good luck, hope you can get some help xx

[Indiamalachite]

Thanks @Kip I was thinking of ways to challenge the outcome for me and for her. She wrote an article about the Court experience and I think it made her feel better but I will tell her about getting the reasons. I want to sit down with this Police officer and ask him why did he not explore all the options? Why if he believes me 100% will he not progress the case as I think I can explain all the things the defence will leap on really well. Sorry you had an awful experience, I agree though, if we can try and challenge the system and hold make the police and courts accountable and more transparent then it will change. It has to 🙁

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