keepmovingfoward

[keepmovingfoward]

I tapered down my safety routines as my anxiety settled down. Im still not entirely free of them but they’re minimal compared to what they were.

thankfully i now know where he is as he was stupid enough to write to me, and its many miles away. which gives me some relief.

don’t taper them unless you feel youre able too. mine seemed to naturally slip off.

[keepmovingfoward]

im low income so with the support of my local womens aid (appropiate support letter) i qualified for legal aid for a solicitor and court costs for filing for the divorce covered (his got there first)

my divorce with childrens dad was minimal as it was amicable, we sorted finances via mediation. but it wasn’t a perp/victim scenario like this time round.

some solicitors will do a divorce package for life £499 to assist with paperwork, etc but that is in addition to court fees so your looking at about 1k min.

[keepmovingfoward]

Good for you on making the first steps honey.
Its always difficult making those first few connections for help as the victims we are often invalidated by the people we approach.
thankfully WA are amazing.
they really helped turn my life around

keepmovingforward xx

[keepmovingfoward]

I had CBT initially to help me be more functional with my business and with my anxiety as i was having difficulty just being out and about.

fast forward some time and i feel ready to deal with the more intricate trauma based side of it all, although I attended the freedom programme and I have made peace with the fact that it wasn’t my fault and i did nothing wrong etc. there are other factors that i needed time to get my head around and process as well.
im certain i was victim to stockholm syndrome, and other mentally manipulative controls, and these are taking time to wiggle out and process, i still find myself following instructions by his way etc even though in the grand scheme of things we were only together a very short amount of time. Its things like this i want to be able to take hold of and deal with now.

the key with counselling is knowing what you want to deal with and what you want your ideal outcome to be after the sessions. it needs to be productive, its hard to see yourself as a person when they can approach you so clinically but its for a good reason.
If you dont have a goal or a something to head towards then you can go round in circles pointlessly.
ie my CBT goals were to be able to hold my head high and not worry about being watched by passing cars, and regain some focus on my work.

[keepmovingfoward]

Thanks diymum@1
I’ve submitted what i can, i have legal aid via my support from womens aid for both the divorce and this.

(detail removed by moderator)

going on the length of marriage and i stated in the paperwork clearly that he didnt properly move in until we married, thats traceable on my tax credits claims.
the fact the marriage was so short and we have no assets suggests the likely outcome would be my clean break is granted so praying the judge is in a good mood on the day.

[keepmovingfoward]

Ooo Thankyou, i didnt realise i could write to the judge beforehand.

i do have a solicitor and a legal rep. im not planning on being visible to him. as i feel that will make him feel like he’s won.

his look on his face and voice alone would be enough to make me want to vomit.

im trying hard to comfort myself with the court process, but i know others where its not been so straight forward but thats been down to access rights, im grateful i don’t have children with him.

i am on a very low income, i just manage to scrape through from month to month. so the thought of having to make it go further freaks me. so im trying to have faith that the clean break is granted.

[keepmovingfoward]

I’ve spoken to the police officer again today, the plan of action was to keep a record of the contact as some time has lapsed since the contact and nothing since (other than third party contact i might add) but obviously at this point im concerned raising awareness of me reporting his harassment might provoke him. i am scared of him, although he never actually laid a violent finger on me. I am aware he can be, he is strong and much heavier and taller than me. he also has an air rifle although its not a deadly weapon it would bruise a person, certainly damage property or kill my pets.
so i’d rather let sleeping dogs lie for now, and continue with my no contact stance. if he then chooses to contact me again either by letter or in person then i have a growing record of harassment with will only assist my case in court.
i then cant be accused of provoking him (my words not the police officers – i know how my abuser thinks) I basically want my abuser to but himself a case up against himself. the chances of him actually getting a jail term for the thing hes under investigation for is unlikely, he’s more likely to get a sentance for domestic violence. so if he continues to provide evidence, i’m going to let him keep building his own case now.
The police officer stated if he decided to turn up to my property because i’ve lodged a complaint of harrassment a 999 would be treated seriously and that to me gives me faith that i have at least some protection against him.

[keepmovingfoward]

Thanks KIP I am doing, I also discussed legal aid with MASH, I’m a low income, self employed single parent, the investigation that led to the seperation of me from my abuser has massive safeguarding issues attached to it. she said i shouldn’t have any issues proving sufficient risk from the social services report and should be able to easily qualify for legal aid. which is another huge weight lifted of my shoulders, as i know my abusers last divorce took (detail removed by moderator). money and time neither me or my mental health can afford.

[keepmovingfoward]

You owe this guy absolutely nothing! one message a day when you have explicitly asked for no contact is enough to constitute harassment. he will have you running rings around him again and again each time treating you worse and hoovering you back in for more.

do yourself a big big favour and don’t give in to his cooing and coercing and walk away. like above if he won’t leave you alone change your contact information as much as possible and be careful who its shared with.

don’t let yourself be lassood back in. My ex was mentally and emotionally abusive. he twisted my perception made me believe i was mentally unstable and i needed help when it was he who had the worse issues. google cycle of abuse and gaslighting. I have found this forum fantastic in helping me understand that i wasn’t the problem and how i allowed him to do things to me that wasn’t my fault.

[keepmovingfoward]

my ex did this with sleep deprivation, health issues, health professionals. appearing to be the good guy, having an ulterior motive then appearing to be the hero.

being on the other side of this now, i realise the lifestyle he imposed on me actually created alot of my health issues, two of which required invasive procedures (one i have sinus surgery for, the other i was starting to need regular lumbar punctures which are horridly painful). he was trying to get my neurologist to insert a surgical shunt for one of the conditions which im now going into remission for. which would have entailled potentially brain surgery. but she wasn’t having any of his reasoning and stood up to him. I walked from him not long after that.

he messed with my mind appearing to favour me making arrangements with friends then making me drop my plans at the last mins because something more urgent came up that would benefit me (he would conveniently arrange a business meeting at the same time for a new client).

he yo-yo’d my head mentally so much, when i read back at the stuff hes written to me the tone he uses towards me is similar to one you’d use to someone without the mental capacity to independently make their own choices. he did make me dependent on him, though as a person i largely shared decision making when part of a couple(husband and wife) i certainly have the ability to think and decide for myself. he seems to assume everyone has forced me to make decisions for me when i took the decisions onboard myself.

one thing i do know for sure – if he turned up on my doorstep now he wouldn’t recognise me! because this B****h swapped her wings for a Broom!! I’m taking no s**t from no-one!

[keepmovingfoward]

Marriage vows give no obligation to obey. My abuser, i considered him to be a religious man, he had studied at a church college for a degree in (detail removed by Moderator), knew the bible inside out, he tried to use it against me, had his close friends use it against me. i was torn between him and what i considered right by my marriage and my children in an awful situation where i risked loosing custody of them (to their biological father) if i stayed with my abuser due to something in his past which caught up with him.

i thank god everyday that all the prayers i said lead me unexpectedly away from him and towards my children. once my head had cleared from the manipulation and twisted thoughts he filled my mind with i can see him more for what he was and how dangerous a situation myself and my children were in.
Recovery is harder though, although i can function reasonably well on a normal level it will take me a long time to trust someone as a partner again.

[keepmovingfoward]

Very similar, I have aspergers myself, so meeting him was like finding someone who understood me on a different level. however socially i present as any typical person would my thought processes are neurodiverse which makes me kind of quirky and a bit odd at times.
he had lived alone a considerable amount of time so i accepted that there would be some time to adjust to living with two youngish children as well. what his past drummed up left me totally unprepared and shocked me to the core. I would have never stayed in any form of relationship with him if i’d known before hand what he’d been hiding from me.
since seperating contact with third parties suggests he has no understanding as to why his actions has lead me to leaving him, even though on the first cause it created a massive safeguarding issue for me and my children. and apparently this issue from his past is now all my fault. I’m so glad im away from it all now, im slowly building my confidence back up and finding myself again but it will be a very long time before i will ever trust a guy again especially whilst my children are young.

[keepmovingfoward]

i was also going to mention trauma bonding. as i was breaking away from my abuser, i spent 4/5 weeks or so grieving and craving for him, even though i still saw him during that time frame. he was no longer the man i knew as far as i was concerned the mask he had created to hide his true self had shattered as far as i was concerned.

when i took those final steps through that door into the no contact zone i did so with total confidence that when i closed that door i would never see him again by my choice. before taking that final stepit hurt like hell; a rollercoaster of gaslighting, manipulation and every threat, cry for help and guilt trip imaginable being thrown at you. but stay strong.
you deserve better that what he has to offer you!

[keepmovingfoward]

its nice to hear your settling into having your quality time with your children again, it does get easier, it can feel overwhelming at first as you are dealing it a heck of alot of stuff all at once.
make sure you still take time for yourself. relax, read a book, have a relaxing long bath.

[keepmovingfoward]

abusers are good at tailoring themselves to fill in the gaps that were left unsatisfied by exes. my ex (childrens dad) used to repeated come up in conversation, almost like my abuser wanted to be viewed as better than him, but it also twisted my memories and my abuser tried to make the amicable relationship i maintained with him and his partner bitter and sour. which was going against what i believed as being good for the children.

he isolated me from my family and friends, and came across as being good and supportive for me, we spent almost every waking moment together in the same house or room. it was all consuming, so when i left i left like i’d lost a limb. i agree with you on the stockholm syndrome scenario too. you want to justify protecting them and staying with them even though its becomes more than red flags, its flashing lights and sirens in some cases.

well done on breaking free and liberating yourself again.

[Author]

Posts