Medusa

[Medusa]

Hi gettingtired,
Thank you for checking and for being concerned. We are separating with a 50/50 split in terms of looking after the children. I am not worried. Both our families know and support us. I have taken it slow to ensure that the separation does not bring out even worse sides. Honestly most people probably just think he’s a bit harsh and not very nice. Only I have felt the control and manipulation first hand.
It is a long road when you want out…
Thanks xxx

[Medusa]

I was never badly abused sexually, but the way sex has been about him and the way he treated me generally just slowly reduced my desire until I had sex out of obligation. I didn’t realise that he noticed this until he made comments about it recently, how he could tell that I was turning away and that made him feel resentful. I understand that it’s not fun to not be wanted but for him to describe it like that to me, that he felt resentment, just shows that he felt he had some kind of right to it.
Just like the sex my whole issue with the abusive nature of my husband is that he hovers around the line of what can be explained or argued to be ok or my fault. And he is absolutely amazing at arguing his case and making himself the victim.
And then we have the elephant in the room that he now says is the reason for me not wanting him, the fact that he was obese and put most of that weight on during our marriage. But the issue was not the weight, however that’s very convenient to use to show how cold I am.
How there men you are talking about think it’s ok to use derogatory language and even choke someone is beyond me. Having joined this forum I am very sad to hear how common this is.

[Medusa]

OMG Controlled and MayaMuffin!! I am now in tears. It’s disgusting and appalling.
Xxxxxxxxx

[Medusa]

Thank you for feeding back on this.
FlowersAfterFlood, it’s very interesting what you are saying. I actually tried to talk about intimacy earlier in our relationship. I was basically asking for some help when I didn’t have time to ‘finish’. First time it was met with some excuse, second time I was told you don’t talk about these things. I get it now, me not finishing was some kind of criticism towards his ability.
One of the things my husband has said few times is that sex (removed by moderator). Well it doesn’t make you feel good if you don’t want to!
I have come to realize that there is something controlling about this as well. The expectation and how it is turned onto me how bad it has made him feel that I don’t want to have sex. It has basically made him depressed. BUT he has not gone out to find someone else , I should really appreciate that!
Pinkvelvet, I was also made to feel guilty but just like you his attitude and behavior turned me off.

What age are we living in?!?!?

[Medusa]

Hi,

I agree with all the wise and heartfelt advice you have got on here. You need to leave when you are ready and it doesn’t really matter that things have gotten better, if you cannot find the calm and trust you need in the relationship.
It’s interesting because I tried to separate from my husband but I was open with him and told him that is what I want. He backtracked and pushed the blame back at me by saying I just had a midlife crisis and he wasn’t going to let me make the mistake of separating our family. That made me contact a lawyer and I am getting my duck in a row. Then suddenly today he wanted to talk. He said he wants to start therapy – the freedom program. He is looking at healing programs for emotional abusers. I am so pleased. The last year has been hell. I first talked to him about how I felt a while ago and I made sure to have a therapist in the room. Yet it took so long for him to finally understand and admit that he has been abusive. I could not be more pleased- for our children. It was for them I did this, not for me. My feelings for him died a slow death over the last decade.

What I want to say is that it’s great that he is understanding and showing regret. Maybe it can change things in your relationship but remember that you don’t HAVE to feel anything. Change is great it it can come too late and that is not your fault xxxxx

Take care and if you don’t want to talk ti family do talk to us 🙂

[Medusa]

Thank you both. I am slowly coming to the realisation that he thinks he has the right to stop me because he ‘loves’ me and has told himself I am just not in my right mind.
I am getting my ducks in line and feel really shit about it. Trying to focus on the end result. I am not starting another year feeling like this!
I hope you find strength Whatarollercoaster! Let us know how you get on.

X

[Medusa]

Amazing news Kitkat! Well done you are a brave woman.
Wish you all the best!
X

[Medusa]

Dear gymshark,
I am sorry to hear that you are being treated this way. I assume that this is one example of many similar. I would start writing them down.
I am dealing with something similar and feel that my husband is sometimes crossing the boarder (detail removed by moderator). A similar example from me: my husband came back from our eldest (detail removed by moderator). When he came into the house alone I asked where ‘x’ was. He said (detail removed by moderator) in the car. I continued to (detail removed by moderator) but after a couple of minutes I went out to check. My son was (detail removed by moderator) and he ran to his room crying. My husband thought it was very funny and a lesson learned for messing about (detail removed by moderator).
I don’t think this is ok.
Could you talk to your parents about this? Have you got someone else to talk to?

X

[Medusa]

You sound strong right now Thisisthestart. That’s your moment. I really hope it all goes well.
I just looked back at some notes and messages and realised that I spent pretty much all of -21 having exhausting discussions with my husband about behavior and how it makes me feel. At least I have seen a good change in his relationship with our children. It was worth it just for that. If it was just me I’d be long gone. He won’t let me go though, which has made me realised that his values haven’t changed, he’s always right. When I oppose I get some kind of diagnosis or explanation for my behavior. The ‘you lost me, I do not want to be with you anymore’ message is not being validated or heard. I am HIS wife and he can tell me how to feel. That’s what has made me realise that he was not just angry and insecure, he is abusive.

In your case it seems so obvious to me that your partner is abusive and you have every right to leave but it is still hard for me to look at myself that way. Although I have started the journey and am sure I’ll get there in the end.

X

[Medusa]

Good luck KitKat! I would agree with KIP, be careful as it can be used against you. If you leave one make it factual.
Wish you well and hope that whatever your children decided will work for them. Besides they can always change their mind, it’s not final for them.
X

[Medusa]

Hi Thisisthestart,

When you say you focus on the bad parts is that your own observation or his? That’s exactly what my husband was saying to me when I started to address episodes of verbal abuse popping up throughout our whole relationship. The issue is that if you trust someone to catch you when you fall and that person will catch you 9 times out of 10 then you will still worry every time you fall. As a result it impacts you all the time.

Recent change in behavior is probably just a way to maintain control. I am still in denial in a similar situation.

Take care! X

[Medusa]

Hi!
Very interesting thread. I will definitely be using the focus on a healthy relationship in future discussions with my boys.
The immediate future for me was supposed to be separation. I built up the courage (detail removed by moderator) to say to my husband I cannot continue together. After trying to convince me to change my mind, he said he accepted it. He suggested as a first step for us to keep the house and take turns living in the home (‘bird nesting’). What to say to the kids was next. I suggested they only need to know that we have decided to separate but will always be there for them. He wanted to say that I don’t think he’s been a good husband and dad, therefore we separate. He still loves me so he will be open about that… so basically ‘mummy wants to separate but I want to keep the family together’. I guess where I am going with this is that it’s not just up to us.

Now that I found a flat he is opposing the separation. He wants to sit down to talk about things we share and have in common. Apparently I am just having a midlife crisis and am about to make an irrational decision and he won’t let me. A bit of guilt tripping on top of that ‘children of divorced parents are more likely to divorce, do drugs, commit suicide’ etc…

It all feels a bit surreal. After everything I have gone through, are my children going to be told that daddy is trying but mummy doesn’t want to support keeping the family together?

X

[Medusa]

Thank you so much for your answers. It’s a surreal experience and as you know sometimes difficult to share with others because it looks like I am getting exactly what I wanted – which is also his point…

I have been listening to to podcast love and abuse, which is helping me a lot. When the topic was discussed not to show your frustration I had goose bumps. It made me understand why I felt so upset when I shared how I sometimes cause myself pain because I feel frustrated. This was later thrown right in my face (supported by the supposed judgements of the therapist). I learned the grey rock method on that podcast. So that is what I do now, I just keep calm and don’t react (visibly!!!)

Thank you again and I can’t believe I am still in slight denial. He’s not THAT bad…

I read so many posts on here yesterday. Stay strong, you are all amazing x

[Medusa]

Hi KitKat 44
I am sitting here in the middle of the night and can’t sleep. The heading of this post from November caught my eye.
I told my husband at the end of (detail removed by moderator) that I want to separate. I have been neglecting how his behavior has been impacting me for many years. There has been some shouting demeaning names (rarely thought), a lot of sitting on the sofa with an (detail removed by moderator) whilst I sort the kitchen, ignoring my requests to agree how we want to look after the house. I work full time and therefore believe the house work is for us both to deal with. There has also been a lot of pressure on our kids. Lots of lecturing them about maturity, taking responsibility etc etc from very early ages. They have also been called names, one has been held down physically when wanting to run into his room. Our eldest has also been told things like ‘if you behave like that we have to (detail removed by moderator)’ when having a panic attack.

I would say he has gone over the line but it is rarer that from what I can see on most posts here. That doesn’t make it ok though and my therapist has said that the physical feelings I get when he gets angry are signs of trauma.

This year I finally confronted him on it all and we tried talking, individual therapy and some couples therapy. In the end I said I don’t want this anymore, I want to separate.

He has now said he understands and that he has been wrong. He really has changed a lot of his behaviors. He is not shouting and not saying demeaning things. He says he understands that the relationship we had is now gone, dead. BUT he wants this new behavior to now mean that we continue as a new beginning. He thinks that as I loved him once I can love him again. People change… I now get talked to as if I am a bad person for not loving this new man. He gives examples of what therapists have said that makes me sound like a crazy person who doesn’t make any effort to save our marriage. He seems convinced that he can swipe me off my feet again. Suddenly he is looking after himself like never before, puts on music, sings along. He gave me a xmas card that explained how much he loves me, books dinners out, talks about how he wants kisses in front of the kids, constantly asks me how I am.

The honest answer is I am pretty crap!! But when I once told him how bad I really felt he later told me that his therapist was worried I could be a danger to our children. That really scared me and was the final straw. I do not trust him. We are looking for a flat to separate but the market isn’t great. In the meantime he’s behaving as if we are as good as ever. I find it frightening, weird. And it’s as if he won’t accept that I don’t love him anymore.

That was a very long answer to the question if anyone has experience of someone actually admitted they’ve done wrong. Yes!! But I am starting to think I would have preferred continued conflict so I could just end it on that basis. Now it’s all down to me ‘not wanting to try’, ‘not putting the family first’

He is either trying and just doesn’t quite know what to do or he actually very manipulative.

Anyone else who has experienced this?

[Medusa]

Thank you thank you for keeping me on track!

I question myself but in my gut I know I need to proceed with the separation. He has totally distanced himself to this previous self, saying that he understands that our old relationship is dead. What a great way to remove yourself from responsibility. I can’t be upset with him because he is no longer that person.

Very interesting to hear how you have experienced the same. Has calmed down the little devil on my shoulder telling me I am wrong and exaggerating.

Xx

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