missiepie

[missiepie]

Hi

I feel very similar to you.

I dont have children but my abusive ex robbed me of my home, my confidence and self worth.

I thought leaving him would be enough….but I relive the abuse in my head and heart daily. I feel like there is no justice fro what I endured and still endure while he is fine, he has no doubt that he did nothing wrong as there was no consequence for him.

I have toyed with reporting it police now for weeks. The more I think about the more I want to do it. I have pictures on my phone of the physical abuse I suffered at his hands.

The law changed so that you can now prosecute upto 2 years after an event. So it should not be that just because you are not in danger now that you should not be taken seriously. When I read the news and see people in court because they bite someones hand….it makes me think for that to be taken seriously and go to court…im actually not doing myself justice by thinking that my case is worth less justice and police/law support. That is just my self confidence and low self esteme.

I didnt go to the police also in fear of making things worse and feeling like if i reached out for help and didnt get it I couldnt face the rejection. Now I think for my own self worth I should speak out.

Also, if we dont report this stuff…it will just end up with another woman signing up to this site in a few years due to my ex contiuing to think the way he treats women and others is ok!

[missiepie]

Hi

I think all men can be a little controlling. The difference is those that respect boundaries. I started dating a new man and the difference now is not that he is perfect but that I dont react like I used to. With my abusive ex I was 100% submissive…I had to be or face the consequences. Consequences what escalated to violence and mental torture if he didnt get his way. I would run after him and beg him to be with me when he threatened to leave me….I gave him all the power.

Now when my bf steps out of line, I hold my ground. I tell him not to talk to me in any tone I feel is unresepctful. I nip it in the bud early and I have found it works. He respects me more now. Arguments are not the same as boundaries have been put in place.

I promised myself I would never beg another man to be with me. So if he ever threatens to walk out I will let him. Im not living under threats and violence again

[missiepie]

Hi Hun,

My ex used to put his hands over my mouth, then he used to pin me down and press so hard on my face I couldn’t breathe, then hemoved to strangling me and standing over me asking me to “breathe out and die”!!

as time went on it got worse and worse. At the time I used to just get on and act like it never happened because he would refuse to acknowledge it….but it doing so he just got worse because he realised he could do what he liked. There were no consequences for him. It got to the point that I wished he would just go that step to far…so it couldnt be hidden and he would have to acknowledge it. That someone would step in and just help us. I felt so confused by it all….like you I just wanted him to hug me after it all!

Its hard talking to friends. Mine would just say…why are you even with him! No one could understand that its a mental mindfield….and I felt trapped and alone in it all. So how you feel is totally normal.

Can you give yourself some space from him….just for a while to get your head in a good place and to explain to him that things cant go on the way they are?
x

[missiepie]

Reading everyones messages on here…. we are all in the same boat.

How do you think your ex’s would describe themselves on a dating site? Mine started his bio with “easy -going”!!!!!!!!! He is ANYTHING BUT!!! It was always drama as soon as he didnt get his way.

I did have to laugh at that when a friend showed me.

It would be great if we all shared what makes us feel better when we miss our ex’s or past relationship.

I try and remind myself that even if I could go back….it would be hell. No contact with my ex opens up the door to find a better future and a better relationship with someone who respects me.

As the old saying goes …you have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your prince. My ex wasnt the prince I thought he was…he was a frog 🙂

Also….if I ever thing about him being with someone else and start to get upset about him being the perfect man with them….I remind myself that right now that might be true…..but it wont last, just as with me…he cant keep that act up for long x

[missiepie]

Hi P&P,

If he only left a month ago its all very fresh. You have to do what is best for you and i dont know your story.

What I would say is that if he is lying about a serious illness then it will all come out in the wash pretty quickly. Whether he is ill or not is not the reason you spilt and should also not be a reason to get back together. I dont see any harm in your explaining that to him.

Take your time….nothing needs to be rushed but explain that he walked out and the only way back is if he seeks counciling. Did you guys ever do couples therapy?. My ex refused point blank….but i think offering that as a route to peace is the best you can do. If he says no….then you know he isnt committed to making things better between you and things wont change. Also make sure he goes before you let him back…xxx

[missiepie]

Hi HA,

I logged on today and read your post and so wished we were friends.

Today seems to be a day of nostalgia for me too. To be fair the whole weekend was. The sun being out just reminded me of all the things we would have done together on nice days. I miss the good side of my ex so very much. I never loved anyone the way I loved him or enjoyed anyones company so much. I too, very much wish I could speak with him….but I cann’t.

When we spilt he would tell me he missed me somedays but he would never admit the physical or mental tourture he put me through. If he had apologized or said he would get help then I keep thinking things may have been different for us.

I wish my brain would default to memories of the bad times, rather than the good and have to force myself to remember why we broke up. I often just want a hug from him. Is so nuts!!!!

Im very envious you have a holiday booked. Getting away and having new surroundings always makes a difference.

xxx

[missiepie]

I think I would just have liked a sorry. Just an acknowledgement that it was not ok. That I want mental. Just a simple sorry.

[missiepie]

The issue with gaslighting is that we try and fight the irrational with rational and it doesn’t work. Thats why evidence providing is futile. My councilor told me that all my efforts with my ex was me not accepting that were was something fundamentally wrong with him. She put it a great way. She said, if his leg was broken you would recognise the issue and hand it over to a doctor, you wouldn’t try and treat it yourself. Each time I tried to rationalise with my ex I wasn’t accepting that he had a fundamental issue. I was trying to treat a broken leg with a band aid.

[missiepie]

Healthyarchive,

Gosh yes….being with my ex was so hard. I was on edge all the time…constantly apologizing, running after him, walking on eggshells incase I triggered him to just fly off the handle. I just wanted him to change. I didnt want him gone. But when it dawned on me that he would never change and he pushed me too far I walked away. At first it was all hate from him…then it turned into “you dont even fight for me”. I realised he was addicted to me chasing him and groveling for him not to leave me. It was like a twisted power game, he would push me away and be nasty so that I would worship/chase him and agree to everything he wanted to get him to stay.

Its just a time when on…I didnt feel relief when he came back. I felt trapped. I couldnt be with him and I could be without him.

I think they stop contacting when they start to fear your rejection. Its a pride thing. If they contact you and you dont return their contact they lose their power.

[missiepie]

Hi Eve1

I was in a similar boat. My ex called me a greedy btch and everything else under the sun when we had to negotiate our seperation. He refused to go to any mediation or look at the facts. We earned equally and should have divided everything equally but he refused. The thought I might profit in anyway from him made him angry….but he was more than happy to profit from me.

I just cut and ran with what he allowed me to have because at that time I was mentally not in a place to fight. Now I wish I could fight him, because I hate myself for not being stronger.

[missiepie]

I remember going to a counsellor while I was with my ex because I though I was going crazy and she pointed me in the direction of the book “why does he do that” it was a game changer for me because until then I thought I was crazy.

I thought when I broke up with my ex life would be great. Now I just seem to be in another form of limbo.

I have no confidence, and I miss him. When I miss him I remind myself of the horrible stuff he did..and that I was right to leave. But in recalling those things I get so upset and depressed. Both happy and sad memories of our relationship are painful for different reasons.

I have started to see someone new and its hard. For all those that feel lonely and miss a cuddle, believe me its not easy letting someone new into your life. I struggle being intimate now. I just feel like my head is somewhere else.

[missiepie]

Gaslighting was constant in my relationship. It made me feel completely insane. Everytime it would happen I would at first feel an overwhelming feeling of “is this for real”!!! Then the doubt would set in, I would start to question myself and then a total feeling of helplessness as it didnt matter what I knew because the truth no longer mattered as we lived by his rules.

The common gas-lighting experiences happened when recounting arguments. He would retell the story missing out anything he had said or done that was antagonistic. So the story was always that I was a crazy woman that just went nuts for no reason

So I started to tape any phonecalls we had. Fro my own sanity to see if my version of conversations was actually real or if I was mental. I told him I had taped him once and asked him to listen to the call and the way he spoke to me. He refused. That was his common response to any factual evidence that he might be wrong….he would refuse to look at it.

One time during his usual “putdown” rants he accused me of doing nothing for him. That girlfriends cook for their boyfriends and I didnt. This frustrated me because I had a fulltime job which meant that I was home by 8pm most days while he would get home by 6.30 latest. Yet I would cook for him as soon as I got in. it would be the first thing I did…before doing anything for myself. I obviously told him he must be joking, but he was deadly serious. From that day I created a calendar I kept on the wall and each day I wrote down what I had cooked for him. 2 or 3 weeks later he again accused me of doing nothing for him. I ripped the cooking calendar off the wall and handed it to him to prove how I had provided for him. He just laughed and said, you have only started to cook for me the last few weeks to prove a point, before that I got nothing!

Another time he accused me of stealing from our joint account which we equally contributed too. So I printed out all the bank statements and spent hours colour co-ordinating them to prove I hadnt. He refused to look at them, he just picked them up and ripped them up in front of me saying he refused to spend time dwelling on anymore of my lies!

Another time he told me that my dad had sexually abused me and thats why I was so fucked up in the head and any money I had was because I had been blackmailing my father over it. When he said that to me my skin crawled. I mustered up all I had in me and said I was glad he had said that because my family would know that wasnt true. To which he replied…well thats what you told me…so was that just another one of your lies, just like the ones you tell about me abusing you!! He was so quick to respond I felt totally overwhelmed with disbelief and helplessness. He had an answer for everything.

Just like when he went too far physically. As soon as I left the house he would fear I would tell someone or the police. So he would take pictures of any scratches he had from me trying to defend myself and send them to me telling me how he had suffered abuse at my hands! He turned everything around and caused so much fear in me to the point that when he attacked me I stopped defending myself because I didnt want to give him anything he could turn on me!

When I remember all this stuff, it makes me so sad. It makes me feel like such a fool. He was so evil, and yet I did everything for him and loved him. I miss him very much, the good side of him anyway and so although it hurts its the bad times I remember to find the strength to stay away.

[missiepie]

Hi Millionpieces!

Honestly your feelings and doubts are totally normal. Men love to control things and hammer in their point of view until it is your own.

Yes, you stayed in that relationship! We all stayed with our abusive partners for a length of time. You stayed with him not because you are mental…you stayed for mostly good reasons. You stayed out of love, perhaps for children and you stayed perhaps like i did in the hope they might change back to the old “nice” them. You may have even stayed because you were scared of him or feared being alone….none of which are mental thoughts, they are all completely rational. Given his verbal abuse, you also prob stayed because you started to believe him and doubt yourself. Anyone will lose self esteem when they are constantly belittled by the person closest to them and that they love because their opinions matter the most to us.

So you see you are completely normal to have stayed and put up with his behaviour for good reasons.

Now you have to think about him….Why did he stay? If you were as bad as he was saying and he didnt respect you or love you as he told you then what was his reason for staying?? Thats the “mental” right there!!! Its not you, its him!

Please try not to beat yourself up. I do it to myself too…but when I do I try and focus on the facts I know are true xxx

[missiepie]

I miss my ex. Isn’t it funny how our brains default to all the good times with exs and not the bad times.

I should hate him….but I don’t. Yet he hates me! The irony.

[missiepie]

Hi

I totally understand your emotions. We were all with our exs for a reason. They all have a good side and that’s why we fell for them in the first place. It’s the hope that they would change their behaviour and only ever show their good side that often made us stay. Unfortunately it’s often the case that instead of seeing their good side more…we actually just got more of the bad side as time goes on. The good side fails to out weight the bad!

I miss my ex, the best side of my ex. I don’t think you or anyone should be ashamed of admitting that.

When I get upset about the loss of the good times I have to remind myself of the bad and that with him I was miserable.

As for them moving on. I agree with the majority…people do not change their spots over night. Abusers are also very proud people they don’t want people to know they are abusers. So however “fairytale” your exs relationship looks from the outside it doesn’t mean that’s what it’s like behind closed doors.

As for your exs comments about you on social media. That’s him doing one of two things 1) public justification. He wants people to believe your realtionship failed because of you and not him. He also wants to reaffirm that story to himself. If he pubically insults you for all to see that’s what he’s doing. 2) he wants to hurt you. He’s addicted to knowing he has the power to upset you.

Personally I wouldnt give him the satisfaction. The best way is to ignore whatever he says. Those that read his comments will just know he holds a grudge.

If his comments are factually untrue and actually do damage to your character then I would flag the comment and ask the social media site to remove it. That way it will just disappear and he won’t know why. You can also flag him as a user to these sites and they can kick him off. I personally would go for getting the comments removed first. That way you aren’t giving him the satisfaction of a reaction.

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