Muddyboots

[Muddyboots]

I don’t know if this will be relevant, and definitely the other two answers were really comprehensive and probably already covered your situation, but just in case this resonates with you, I wanted to mention that I have found my emotions really flattened when I am around my husband. Like it doesn’t feel safe to express anything anymore, so somehow my subconscious has just plugged it all up. I feel very flat and am weirdly, uncharacteristically calm around him. This normally then leaks out in my (over) reactions to other things that are nothing to do with him.

[Muddyboots]

Oh Melonballs, that sounds like a nightmare! Is there anyway you could swap out with your sister, so you stay at hers with your parents and she goes to a hotel? Or is there anyway you could safely persuade your ex to let you have the marital home for a couple of weeks so that you could host your parents there? Or could you get an occupation order to give you the right to your marital home and get your ex out permanently? Or would a holiday camp like butlins or centre parks have some accessible cabins that you could stay in with them?

Sorry if this is all clutching at already discounted straws. It sounds like a genuinely painful situation to be stuck in, and I really hope you find a way to get through it without sacrificing your own hard won safety and peace of mind.

xx

[Muddyboots]

that’s such a good point – how she reacted, what she said, is all about her and her emotions, and not really at all about you and your actions. And I guess similarly, how you’re feeling, the low confidence, is more about you, and how you’re feeling about yourself. If you were feeling healed it might not have hurt so much.

Have you done things that have helped to build up your confidence before? Is there anything you do that makes you feel proud? I was feeling really shit earlier, so I went and did a couple of things off my to do list, and that made me feel a bit better about myself. Only little things like sorting a bill out, but at least now I can say I actually got something done today rather than just felt shit and mopey…

it’s hard to heal without the right help…maybe it’s worth getting on a list for counselling. With luck you might not need it when it comes round to being your turn, but at least it gets you a step closer if you’re still feeling like this in a few weeks

hope you have a great break with your daughter
xx

[Muddyboots]

hello, I can totally relate to this. I had something similar with someone just taking the same tone as my ex at work, and now I pretty much can’t work. I have tried to get over it, but it just keeps triggering all the stress in my head and I kind of freeze up and burst in to tears a lot.

it’s so horrible feeling so broken isn’t it. It feels so unfair how this stuff bleeds into and damages other unrelated parts of our life. It’s like they’ve taken away our ability to react normally, and that makes it hard to feel like ourselves.

have you talked to anyone else in your family about how your gran reacted? Maybe their reaction to her might help put how you’re feeling in a bit of context?

I don’t have lots of suggestions, I just don’t want you think you’re alone in feeling like this. Stuff is weird in our brains right now, we are like a raw emotional wound that even the slightest bit of social salt makes sore. To be fair your gran sounds like she might have gone off the deep end though – what did you do, leave a poo on her cake??

big hugs xx

[Muddyboots]

thank you thank you thank you all of you, that was such an amazing collection of responses!! Totally stopped my head from popping.

I also found it funny that “crack of dawn” got automatically starred out – gave me quite the mental image of a lady called Dawn…hahaha

You ladies make me feel so much better that it’s not all in my head.
A bit of me had been thinking that maybe we should try couples counselling and see if we could get back together (which he is pushing hard for), but now I am wondering if actually he hasn’t changed at all.

I am hating being a single mum, I wish this wasn’t happening. Feels like my wishful thinking might make me quite vulnerable…

[Muddyboots]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your responses – it was my husband that actually wanted me to watch the show, before I realised I was in an abusive relationship. I only watched the first episode before saying I didn’t think it was funny, it made me feel uncomfortable (the climax of the first episode is the partner/mum comes downstairs to find the kitchen trashed, a blood trail and her partner and kids gone and not picking up, she assumes the worst and calls the police hahahahaha hilariously thinking her partner had murdered her children, hahahaha so.funny.[this is all sarcasm in case that’s not clear]).

But I thought I would give it another go given the amazing cast and team behind it, to see if I was just sensitised by some stuff happening at home. Now that I know more about abuse it completely staggers me that this got shown, let a lone a second series was made.

[Muddyboots]

I TOTALLY FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! I’ve kind of left but we have kids together so there is still a lot of contact, and there is a big part of me that wants to try and make it work.

One of the things that has really stuck with me was Lundy Bancroft saying that the nice times, the kindness, apologies, affection are all part of the abuse because they are just as manipulative as they anger or guilt. That kept me strong for a few months. But a bit of me thinks that he really does want to change, and wants to give that a chance, and now I feel stuck because I’m about as scared of letting him hurt me again as I am of leaving him, so we are in limbo.

I agree with the others, don’t take the blame for not leaving, that’s the abuse, he’s got invisible strings attached to your heart and he keeps pulling you back. You’re so strong for trying repeatedly. If anything the issue is that you care more about his happiness than your own, rather than you’re weak. You love him, and we are all conditioned to sacrifice ourselves for the people we love.

You deserve freedom and happiness!! He doesn’t deserve you if he doesn’t make you happy

Xxxxx

[Muddyboots]

Hello getting tired,

I’m sorry things are feeling so awful right now. When we are in the thick of it it’s so hard to imagine ever feeling better or feeling strong enough to be on our own, or that we have any options.

I started listening to this great podcast called the divorce club. Each episode features someone who is on the other side of their divorce, and the really amazing thing about it is these interesting clever successful women talk about the darkest times, when they are sobbing on the floor or locked in a toilet, when everything feels totally overwhelming and unmanageable. And then they talk about how they did actually cope, how they made new and joyful lives. It did 2 things that I couldn’t do for myself. Firstly it made me feel ok for feeling as sh1tty and weak as I did. And secondly it made me see that I wouldn’t be feeling miserable for ever, that if I got away, I could heal and be happier.

Maybe listening to them will give you a sense that you’re not as trapped as you feel, a belief in all the possibilities that are invisible right now but are out there!

Good luck xxxxxxxxxx

[Muddyboots]

Big virtual hugs. How are you feeling now?

[Muddyboots]

This would be a tough choice even if you weren’t in an abusive relationship during a pandemic!

Finding supportive kind ppl at work makes such a difference to how much you enjoy your work, but if it’s not work you love, then maybe it is worth taking a risk? Having a job you love abs are good at (plus brings in more money if it’s full time) might help to boost your confidence and help you feel like you’ve got options?

Can you call the company and have a chat with the hiring manager? Or reach out over linked in? I find having a conversation with the team or manager can give a feel for the organisational culture.

Like someone else says, you don’t have to accept the job if it feels like too much pressure.

Whatever happens, it’s important to remember you’re stronger than you feel right now, cos he’s sapping all your energy and confidence. Good luck, whatever you decide

Xx

[Muddyboots]

yeah I totally know what you mean. that deep confusion, because the conflict between what he says and what he does is overwhelming. I never realised that being confused could hurt so much. like almost physically hurt.

I think it’s cos we are holding two mutually exclusive beliefs in our hearts at the same time, and it’s like they are fighting inside us, and our sanity is the collateral damage.
1) We believe they love us.
2) We believe that people who love us won’t hurt us and will be kind.

And we spend hours doing mental gymnastics to try and make those things both true, but it’s not possible.

For me, the only way to stop the hurt was to decide that he doesn’t love me. At the time that in itself was an excrutiating idea to allow into my head. but it was also kind of a relief. Finally stuff started to make sense. Now when he says he loves me, that hurts, because I want to believe him but I just don’t. But that hurt and sadness is 1000 times better than the swirling feeling of confusion.

I read somewhere (might have been here or in a wise book), that the way to stop them from fucking with your head is to see the affection/kindness/declarations of love and change as part of the abuse. They are saying the things they need to say to control you. Every time I start to get sucked back in, I remind myself it’s a script it’s not sincere. It hurts but it helps.

I found Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft amazing for helping me to get my head straight, plus, it might help you get to sleep if you start reading it…

Sorry for the ramble, but hopefully will make you feel a bit less alone…xx

[Muddyboots]

Hello Bird21,

I haven’t done it yet, but a solicitor told me that mediation is when you’re in the same room together with a mediator and your ex, and the solicitor told me that was a bad idea, because it’s super stressful and if you’re afraid or have been manipulated in the past they can do that during the mediation. She thought something called shuttle mediation (where you sit in a different room to your ex and the mediator goes back and forth between you) might be more suitable and less stressful. It relies on your partner having some level of interest in getting things resolved, and you being clear about what you do and don’t want, because it’s a negotiation. You can’t force your partner to do anything through mediation, so I guess that means if he’s a dick about it, and you just want to get it sorted, you might end up with less than you could win in court. But taking it to court could cost more than that’s worth…

If you think there’s a chance he’ll force it to go to court, I would recommend keeping a diary of all the little (or big) nasty things he’s doing at the moment and how it makes you feel, so you’ve got a recent record of how he is continuing to abuse you, which can be used as evidence against him.

Good luck, keep us posted, especially what you learn about what does and doesn’t work and when things go well!

[Muddyboots]

this is such an amazing response, exactly the sort of thing I was looking to find on here, thank you so so much.

bloody hell this is so hard isn’t it.

[Muddyboots]

thanks so much Ocean. Maybe if I don’t mention their dad at all, that might be the way to go, and focusing on the positives, rather than saying what I don’t want or highlighting the negatives. So saying things like “I want to feel happy and safe and loved in my home, and that’s why I have chosen to live here just the three of us”?

hmmm, I am not sure they will let me get away with that. Also the last explosive anger moment was a few months back now, so maybe won’t feel that salient to them. They won’t be aware of the manipulation and gas lighting that has been relentless, as I am in the “love bombing” phase while he tries to where me down

But if I say “we don’t love each other and make each other happy anymore” then that totally glosses over the abuse part. Thing is I know my husband is telling them he does love me, so it’ll make me into the bad guy. He’s also manipulating them to put pressure on me to “get along better with daddy”…so I need to counter act that pressure some how too? Or do I? Do I just accept that I might have to be the body guy in their eyes for now?

But maybe I don’t have to lump it all together in this first conversation? Is it better to let the kids bring up the abuse as and when they are ready, because we will have a life time of coming to terms with what has happened?

[Muddyboots]

Thanks Lisa, I appreciate your advice – it is a heartbreaking time. I am dreading talking to the kids. I would love to hear from others with kids in the (detail removed by moderator) age range about what worked, or didn’t work with their own kids

Cheers
Bootsie xx

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