NotYourMaid

[NotYourMaid]

I also haven’t left, but I did tell him he’s abusive. I snapped some time ago, and told that he’s abusive. I didn’t say that he’s financially abusive, the small part of my brain that was still holding on to reason, managed to withhold that part. But I DID tell him that he’s emotionally abusive.

Later, it made me realize, that some small, hidden part of me still hoped that he would be like a normal, emotionally healthy person. That he would think about what I said, and go, oh, you’re right, I have been a horrible person and should totally change for the better!!! Like, that’s not what I was actually thinking when I told him, it was just a subconscious thought.

But if you tell him, it just makes things worse.

Whatever painful behavior you point out is abusive, he’ll just do more of it.

Because that’s what’s happening to me right now. Ever since I snapped, things have gotten so much worse. So, yeah, try not to snap.

[NotYourMaid]

This hurts to read. My husband doesn’t do that, but… during our entire relationship, even when things were good, (like at the beginning), he only gave me one compliment. And the way I finally realized that he was emotionally abusive, was because I asked him for a compliment, he got mad and stayed mad for several days, stormed out of the house, and I had to beg him to come back, and apologize.

My self esteem is completely shredded now, and I too, don’t know what I’m good at. I realized it’s gotten to the point that the questions, what are you good at? What do people say about? What compliments do you get?

All those questions just hurt. They fill me with dread and I don’t want to answer or even think about them. Because to me the answer is, nothing. I’m good at nothing.

I feel like I relate to what you’re saying.

[NotYourMaid]

I just remember that in the UK, you don’t use the word trash, you use rubbish, right? I don’t know if you use the word curb…

[NotYourMaid]

Yeah… you’re right. I need to keep trying. Some days, or to be honest, some months, are just harder, to find the will to keep pushing forward.

Anyway, I just contacted another domestic violence NGO, so hopefully this one will actually help. But I’ve had that hope crushed so many times that, I donno, I’m trying to not have any strong hopeful feelings.

[NotYourMaid]

It makes sense. My husband does the same thing. I’m being treated to silence as well, these past few weeks. It hurts so much. I’m the opposite of you. I’ve tried to explain it other people, but people who haven’t been emotionally abused this way don’t get it. I’ve been told that that’s not so bad. That I just need to try harder to talk, or that all men are like that. But they say that because they’ve never had silence used as a weapon against them. Deliberately meant hurt.

I’m sorry it’s happening to you, and your kids.

It’s really painful. But I don’t think that you should feel guilty. Expressing your emotions, especially ones of pain, isn’t a bad thing.

Anyway, just know that you’re not alone.

Hugs.

[NotYourMaid]

I’m thinking of contacting the embassy. I just don’t really want to. It’s kind of stupid. I feel like if I go back, it will be admitting to failure. That I couldn’t overcome anything, and that I am weak.

I know it’s a stupid thought…

This is why I’ve been putting off contacting my embassy. I just don’t want to feel more weak and broken than I already feel.

[NotYourMaid]

Your brain is amazing!

I admire your brain, and I respect the strength it took for you to follow your brain.

[NotYourMaid]

@ lover of no contact,

I can leave all my things. While something have sentimental value, I have come to value my safety and food much, much more than things. I know he isn’t going to change. I know that things will only get worse. They are getting worse.

Because they did get worse, I asked my family for help again. They said no. My mother told me that I just need to think more positively! So I recently decided that I no longer have the emotional capacity to talk to my family. Not right now. If I survive this, I’ll probably talk to them again. But not right now. Not when everything inside of me feels like it’s bleeding.

The only reason that I haven’t left is because of the visa. It’s directly connected to him. I need a job to change visas. But I’ve failed all my interviews because of language reasons. But because of the isolation and lack of money, I’m having difficulty immersing myself in the language enough to get better. I am taking free classes though.

I was going to explain my plan for escape, but after I wrote it here, for some reason it scared me, so I erased it. It was such a basic plan too, with no details. The problem is, things are getting worse, rather quickly, so I need a new plan.

But I just… sort of lost hope recently… so I haven’t made a new plan yet…

@EvenSerpentsShine

Thank you! This forum is the only thing right now that is helping me get though each day.

Thank you both for reaching out.

[NotYourMaid]

@Hiphop

The finances part reminds me of my husband. He doesn’t insult me, but he tells me to not worry about it. That it’s not a problem. That everything is ok. And that he has it figured out.

Now… I realize that I’m in a financially abusive relationship. He has money to go out drinking, I don’t have money to buy food or other essentials, that I now consider luxuries (but again, are actually essentials, like enough winter clothes, over the counter medicine, etc).

You absolutely MUST hide money. Trust me! Hide it where he can NEVER find it! He must never know!

You’re husband sounds the same as mine. He didn’t want me to know anything about our finances, like you I also just wanted things to be handled equally as a partnership. And even though I didn’t work I still wanted to know about our finances and I wanted us to figure things out together. And I told him so. Many times. Obviously nothing came of it.

Trust me, you must do everything you can to 1) save money 2) keep money hidden in cash 3) get a separate bank account

You don’t want to end up like me! It’s extremely difficult to escape a financially abusive situation. Because escaping any kind of abuse usually involves needing money to do so. Please, keep yourself safe!

[NotYourMaid]

Thank you! I felt like crying when I read what you wrote. I’ve been feeling so terrible recently. I don’t know what to do! Because I want help. I want it so desperately! But I can’t find it!

So thank you.

Gentle hugs back

[NotYourMaid]

It feels pointless to try and escape…

[NotYourMaid]

I know he doesn’t hit me.

He doesn’t break my things.

He doesn’t call me names.

He doesn’t kick me, choke me, or push me.

So everyone thinks it’s ok. That what I’m going through isn’t so bad.

He won’t talk to me. That’s not a big deal right? Men don’t talk, everyone tells me. But he won’t talk even when I ask him about our needs. He won’t tell me where he works. He won’t tell me how much money he makes. He won’t explain why he works some week days and not others. He gets angry when I ask about anything important, like that.

He won’t look at me. That’s still not so bad right? Everyone tells me. But I’ve cried in front of him, and he’ll just keep staring at his phone. Because I am not important enough for him to look at.

He gets mad at me when he has to pay the bills. But I don’t have a job, so it’s kind of my fault, right?

He barely gives me enough money for food. But that’s ok, because I can still eat, right? Who cares if it’s just carbs, right? Who cares if I can’t afford to buy protein? Like meat, or tofu? Or eggs or fish? Who cares if I can only buy one vegetable, and I have to make it last all week?

I know this is abuse. It just hurts that everyone in the world outside of this forum, acts like what he’s doing isn’t so bad.

[NotYourMaid]

It feels like there isn’t a point to try.

I don’t want to try.

I can’t get out of this situation by myself. I keep asking for help and getting nothing.

I need someone to be kind to me. To understand that each day is filled with pain.

I really wish someone would be kind to me…

I really wish someone would help me get out of this situation.

But I don’t want to ask for help anymore.

There isn’t a point of asking for help.

I asked, and asked, and asked.

Yet I am still trapped here.

I am out of strength.

I am out of energy.

I want to curl up and not exist.

 

[NotYourMaid]

@EvenSerpentsShine

Actually, when he first scared me, before I realized that I was in a financially abusive relationship, but when I had already realized that there was something deeply wrong with how he treated me, I did in fact, spend the night somewhere else.

I was scared, I was worried that he was going to hurt me in my sleep, so I spent the night in a hotel. But I wrote a note, and I left it where he could clearly see it, and in the note, I let him know that I was spending the night elsewhere, and that I was going to turn off my phone. And, I told him that it was because I was scared of him.

He was, of course, angry. He didn’t say anything when I came back. But he doesn’t have to. He knows that not talking to me and not looking at me, hurts me. Because years back, when he first started doing it, I kept asking him not to do it, and I explained that that really hurt me.

God, I was such an idiot to not see all these signs.

[NotYourMaid]

I just feel so wounded.

I don’t want to hurt him.

But I also don’t want to be hurt.

[NotYourMaid]

Hi. I think you wrote in a post of mine, when I was stressed about my husband being nice.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s just so confusing when they’re nice, especially if it’s not like love bombing, and more about practical things. And then it hurts, because it’s not actually them being nice, and you never know how long it will actually last. Because the nice-ness doesn’t last. It comes crashing down painfully… yours sounds worse, because it’s also happening to your children.

Anyway, it sounds like you are in the process of escaping from your partner. I wish you a safe and healthy escape!

[NotYourMaid]

I’m sorry you had a bad day.  🙁

Hugs.

[NotYourMaid]

Happy Valentine’s day! I’m glad you had a good one! 🙂

I also had a nice Valentine’s day. I was nice to myself! Not having to anxiously wait for him to do something nice for me, then being disappointed when he doesn’t, and then having to pretend that everything is ok.

NOPE! I didn’t do that this time!

I actually bought myself some candy, went for a small walk, and tried out a new hobby! I felt pretty proud of myself. Still feeling slightly liberated by the experience.

[NotYourMaid]

Oh, thank you for saying that!

I just… I don’t want to be someone who hurts others. And I know that someone is hurt, has been hurt, that we can lash out and hurt others by accident, or for other reasons. And I don’t want to be like that. I worry that that’s what I’ve turned into, someone who hurts others, just because I’ve been so hurt, for so long…

He’s still angry, and won’t talk to me. I don’t blame him. If someone said all those horrible things to me, I’d be angry too. And I kind of want to extend the olive branch and try to make some peace with him, and ask for his point of view on the situation.

But… at the same time…

I don’t want to be hurt anymore.

I don’t to act like it’s ok that he makes me feel sad and lonely.

It’s not ok. He’s done that for years now, and I’m done forgiving him. Because I know that he isn’t going to change.

I can’t go therapy now, because I don’t have the money, but when I’m free of him, I really hope to go. I don’t want to hurt others by accident. And I don’t want to live with hurt either.

Thanks for responding, I need to hear from someone. Living in this type of situation is so stressful and confusing.

[NotYourMaid]

@nbumblebee

You’re not pathetic. You’re hurting. Those two things aren’t the same. And there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself. You should protect yourself! Protecting yourself is extremely important. You haven’t done anything wrong.

And I agree with @Eyesopening . You have not 1, but 2 abusive men right now in your life.

It’s true that sometimes people in our life say things that make us comfortable in order to get us to accept responsibility for our actions. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what that guy is doing. What he’s saying, and what he’s doing aren’t matching up. He says that he’s just trying to help you, but what he’s doing is making you feel bad. Making you feel bad just equals hurting you.

And yes, narc husbands do in fact, do nice things. They do nice things, then they hurt us. Then weirdly we get blamed for being hurt. While in reality it wasn’t our fault.

Also, taking you to a nice hotel while threatening you sexually as a joke, isn’t actually being nice. It’s being a horrible person. And you don’t have to be grateful. You don’t have to be grateful for being hurt. If it came with no strings attached, no creepy threats, no expectations on his part, then yes, it be healthy to be grateful. But that’s not what’s happening in the situation that you just described.

It’s not your fault. You’re not pathetic.

[NotYourMaid]

I don’t know about a coercive controller ever changing… but I do think that it depends on the person, the kind of abuse, and a lot of other factors. The reason I say this is because growing up, my parents were not the best of parents. They didn’t mean any harm, but… my siblings and I all ended up with childhood trauma, and have had to go to therapy and take medication for it. All of us. My parents were borderline abusive. They didn’t respect our boundaries, because they believed that children don’t have boundaries.

They were somewhat neglectful. Depending on what country you’re from though, because I once told someone from another country what my childhood was like, the guy looked kind of angry and said that if that would have happened in his country, my parents would be in jail. But what my parents did was completely legal in my country. So… yeah…

What my parents did still hurts me and my siblings to this day. But!

My parents have changed. For the better. Like a lot.

They stopped doing and saying a LOT of the hurtful things they used to say and do.

But… it took more than a decade for this change to happen. It took many, many years. It was a reeeeaaaallly slow process. It was reeeeaaally painful. And, my siblings and I all had to put down boundries and be firm about it. Like, I had to tell my father that if he kept insulting me, that I was going to go no contact permanently, with both him and my mother. Considering that I’ve gone no contact for large periods of time with them before, he knew I meant it, so he stopped.

Another thing, is that if you stay/live with your abuser, or in my case, visiting past semi-abusive parents, the abuse starts creeping back in. Even if they don’t mean it. They revert to old patterns of behavior. So my sisters keep their visits to my parents extremely short. And I only stay with my parents as a last resort.

But they did change for the better.

To summarize: In my opinion, some abusers can change for the better. But ONLY if they want to, and ONLY if they feel motived to. DON’T live with an abuser. Keep visits extremely short. Set boundaries (if you can’t set any boundaries, like, because it’s too dangerous, this means that they won’t actually change). And it takes a reeeeeaaaaaalllly long time for them to change. Don’t expect sudden changes. It’s not a few months change sort of thing. It’s a years kind of thing.

Again, this is just my opinion. And it depends on the situation. Like my husband is abusive. But I don’t think he can change.

[NotYourMaid]

@Eggshells

Hey, how are you doing? I couldn’t really comment on your post, when you first wrote it (not living in the UK, or knowing anything about that kind of situation). But I’ve been thinking about you, and I hope you find the help you need.

[NotYourMaid]

You keep saying, what he likes you to do. ie dress nice, dance, etc. But what do you like? What would you prefer?

If the person you’re with actually cares about you, they will make an effort to do what you like, and what you want. But in everything you’ve written, it’s all been about him. It’s you doing what he wants, without there being an equal exchange of him doing what you want.

In a healthy relationship, there should be an equal exchange of doing what the other person likes, there should be respect regarding dislikes, ie, you don’t feel comfortable in a bar, so he shouldn’t have pushed you into going there, you should have gone to a place where both of you are comfortable. And in a healthy relationship, even drunk, the other person shouldn’t talk down to you.

I obviously don’t have a healthy relationship right now (or I probably wouldn’t be on this forum), but my brother and his wife have a healthy relationship (I’m friends with my sister-in-law, so I’m not just taking this from my brother’s point of view). And I’ve seen my brother drunk around his wife. And he just tells her that she’s amazing. So I think that’s what drunk talk should be like. Someone being kind and loving even when alcohol clouds rational thinking.

[NotYourMaid]

Thanks for answering. Yeah, the confusion is… strong. But the confusion feels weird to me. Because one day, I feel like I have perfect clarity of the situation, my relationship with my husband, and what I need to do to keep myself safe. Then another day, confusion plus severe depression will join hands and my brain feels like a fog. Other times, the confusion feels more like a cluttered room, like I’m tripping over objects in my brain.

Does that make sense?

But before I got in a relationship with my husband, it wasn’t like this. It didn’t feel like my brain was so cluttered that I can’t make sense of things. That only happened… I don’t actually know when exactly it started. It didn’t happen right into the relationship… maybe after we moved in together?…

[NotYourMaid]

But see, he and I used to argue a lot. Like every month. So I would ask friends and family for advice, and they all said the same thing. They all told me that men don’t really communicate. They all said that I just need to try to communicate more with him. And a lot of them said that I have mental health problems, and that that’s probably causing most of the problems in the relationship.

So it was like it was all my fault. I wasn’t trying hard enough to understand him. I wasn’t trying hard enough to communicate with him. I wasn’t trying hard enough to control my mental health. But no one ever said that he was the one that had to change and make more effort. They said he was nice, sweet person, and a saint for putting up with my moods.

But after all that’s happened… I just don’t want to hear that anymore.

I am not a perfect person. I do have strong moods, and they do change rather quickly.

But…if he really was abusive by accident… I don’t want to make an effort to communicate with him. I don’t want to try harder in the relationship.

Even if all this has just been a big misunderstanding… even if it just was an accident on his part…

It still really hurt. It was still frightening. And I NEVER want to experience anything like this ever again!

[NotYourMaid]

Is it possible for abuse to happen by accident?

Recently, he gave me money, and even asked me how much I needed, and how much I wanted.

And it was weird. In a good way. Because the interaction felt natural. That time, I hadn’t even tried to make him happy, and he had brought it up almost all by himself. (I had asked him previously to buy a household product. I was too scared to buy it, even though I had the money, because I never know when he’s going to give me money or how much).

And it made me wonder if the article was right. Maybe he is abusive by accident. Maybe he doesn’t realize what he’s doing. Maybe these past few months have just been one painful, fearful misunderstand on my part, caused by his lack of communication.

But I don’t actually want to explain it him. Because the past few times that I’ve tried to explain anything about my emotions or our relationship, he gets mad and accuses me of being inconsiderate towards him.

It’s just sort of confusing right now… maybe I exaggerated all my emotions because I have no one to talk to, and everything about our relationship seems sort of weird, and everyone thinks he’s a wonderful person, but, I just don’t feel comfortable talking to him anymore. And I’m an edge when he’s home…

So it’s just… it’s just confusing right now…

Because these past few days (but very recent few days) are slowly going back to how they used to be…

So it just makes me wonder if the article was right (yeah, I know I said that twice, it’s just stuck in my head). Maybe all this happened by accident?

[NotYourMaid]

@Yesican and @Cat24

Thanks so much for your healthy anger release ideas!! I’ve been struggling recently with anger, so I’m relieved to hear these ideas! Gonna try them both out later!

Thanks!!

[NotYourMaid]

@JoPinchio

I can’t really advise you on this, since I’m trying to figure it out myself… a several months ago, when I first realized something was wrong in our relationship, my husband and I were talking. I don’t remember what he asked, but I remember my answer. I told him that he needed to do the right thing, everyday, for many months. I didn’t say years, but I was actually thinking years. He asked me what the right thing is. I told him that he has to figure it out himself. He got annoyed and ended the conversation.

I haven’t changed my mind on this. To be a decent human being, you have to understand by yourself that you are hurting someone else. And you have to take responsibility for those actions. And not just for a few days. It has to be EVERYDAY for a loooong time. Years.

My husband can do the right thing (ie care about my feelings, my physical well being, etc), for a few days, but I doubt he can do it for a month.

[NotYourMaid]

@InShock

oh god! Yes, I’m so gratefully I don’t have kids with him!!

I originally wanted to have kids. I like the idea of having children, I love the idea of holding a baby in my arms and knowing that I made a tiny human… but… after I realized he was abusive, I killed that dream.

That’s how it felt. Like I was killing something precious and wonderful. I cried so hard, for so many days because of that.

But I don’t want my children to suffer. I don’t want them to feel the pain of being ignored by their father. I don’t want them to have to feel as if they have to EARN kindness.

And I don’t want to worry about feeding a tiny human. I’m an adult. I can live ok without all the nutrients I need. Children can’t.

But I try not to think about that anymore…

[NotYourMaid]

@EvenSerpentsShine

Yeah! I’m ok actually! It’s the 10/10/10 rule from the Bloom courses on abusive relationships. 10/10/10: are you safe for the next 10 minutes? are you safe for the next days? are you safe for the next months? I hadn’t realized this, but I had been subconsciously doing following this rule even before I knew it’s name. I’m good on the first 2 on the list, but the last one… is what’s making me panic.

I hadn’t posted any thing (or responded) because I was stressing and planning on to make it through the next few months.

I’ve calmed down though… because I think I have a plan… I think it might work… so I’m feeling a bit safer…

With my husband it’s not immediate danger. I call it, The Long Term Game of Pain.

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