Pineapplepie

[Pineapplepie]

Hi Seaview

I’ve just seen your post and I’ve recently posted something similar, I’ve was advised that it’s a way of our brain protecting us. I’ve been in this relationship a similar amount of time too.

Just wanted to say you are not alone I go through this too, he was shouting at me earlier, I know what made him shout but can’t remember what he said.

he too ruins everything by causing an issue, I prefer it when he’s not there, the thing he shouted at me today was from a family event recently, I knew he’d find a problem with a comment or joke made to him and take it out on me.

I’m sorry you’re going through this too, it hurts and is so confusing xx

[Pineapplepie]

Thank I didn’t release I could call them, I will find the number as no friends of family know anything and I think I’m at the point of wanting to tell someone.

the things I mean, have I made him paranoid, angry, aggressive, he drinks a lot, I’m sure he takes coke on a weekend, is an over thinker, he’s argumentative, he doesn’t trust me, he can get in really low moods where he wants to sleep or to be left alone, he has panic attacks sometimes, mood swings, he goes through my phone at times, he doesn’t like me talking to men and if I do talk to them he needs to know every detail, he has anxiety, he talks badly about my friends and family, he shouts and me and sometimes hurts me physically, he is short tempered

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you.

im really fighting with my thoughts and what he’s said recently.

– that he only acts this way because of the things I’ve done to him, and now because of the way I act. All things he brings up are from many years ago. We have been over and over, I have apologised and changed, but he says that’s its not enough as he’s still hurt.

so I’m back to thinking is it actually me, because I say I’m not apologising anymore or going over the same things

but then some of the things are really minor, eg not telling him of some messages from a man (innocent message), I think it Minor, he thinks it’s major. He is an over thinker.
he puts all the things together and gets angry with me, so he says if I hadn’t done these things he wouldn’t treat me like this

[Pineapplepie]

Do the memories ever come back?
maybe writing it down will help them come back?

[Pineapplepie]

You’re right we are in this together and I’m glad I joined this forum, it’s make me feel less crazy. I’ve not read any books yet as I don’t want him to see them but I need too

how is it that there’s so many people like this?

I’ve been trying to stay out of his way tonight, he found a way to still have a go and say I have no conscience and don’t have it in my to realise what I’ve done to him and apologise of my own back. which is not true.
He says That I’ve made his mental health so bad and made him have suicidal thoughts.
I feel like a horrible person and have questioned if I’m down playing things in my head to make me feel better about certain situations with him saying he’s had these thoughts. But I honestly don’t think is it worth shouting and hitting me for.
I remember him saying he had these thoughts when he had a breakdown, I helped him and supported him the best I could but for him to suggest it was because of me has shocked me.

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you, I’m physically and mentally exhausted today, I saw him very briefly this morning and he didn’t seem one bit bothered about his behaviour. He doesn’t think he’s wrong, he says I make him behave like this and if it wasn’t for my actions I wouldn’t be treated like this.

he says he’s a good person, and most around him will say the same as he goes out of his way to help people and is the life and soul of the party he goes out

You’re right I’m just surviving, living on edge when he’s around in case he starts.

It is getting worse but now I can see the pattern

i rarely respond when he does start, he would only let me say a few words before shouting and twist the few words that I said, I just don’t say anything or agree or apologies and now that doesn’t stop him.  X

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you all for replying, you’ve all given me some good ideas and made me understand more

hopefully logging it will make something click in me to make me leave and not put up with it

I’m so sorry this has or is happening to you too, it’s horrible.

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you, I’m ok, he has been trying to get a reaction out me (detail removed by Moderator), picking at everything. He was absolutely vile about something so small. He has something to go too (detail removed by Moderator) and I think he has wanted me to react, to say something he can use against me to have an excuse to do it again. He asked me to pick him up (detail removed by Moderator) but I think if had said anything he would have said he staying out or something like that. I’ve said I will call him on the way but then, he does what he wants so he may not answer his phone when I do go pick him up and make me look like a crazy person sat outside for him, that has happened before too.

I think I’ve noticed a pattern in what he does so he doesn’t feel any guilt and can blame me for his behaviour.

its really upset me in the past, thinking what have I done, what have I said, and thinking I wish I had never said that etc. I’ve blamed myself and apologised so many times to him for his behaviour or for the way he has spoke to me ‘because I caused him to say or do things’

With me not saying anything at all back to all the things he has picked at me, I think if he does do the same (detail removed by Moderator) and then shouts and call me names etc, I definitely know it’s not me that’s caused him to behave that way.

 

[Pineapplepie]

Standing up to him probably hasn’t been a good thing, (detail removed by Moderator). Telling me to get out of a room then following me and stood over screaming at me, (detail removed by Moderator), I said I’m not doing that and then he says yes you are, you do as you’re told etc, he slapped me (detail removed by Moderator) and strangled me again, i said the police will end up coming if you keep on, he said (detail removed by Moderator). He says I’m the reason he acts like this, I’m the reason his mental health is really bad.

I’ve not perfect but to me, I’ve not done anything to deserve this.

I now feel really guilty that I’ve made him this way.

I was fun, popular, bubbly, little gullible and a little nieve when I was younger when we met and I don’t think he liked it, he was and is a very jealous person so some situations he talks about are all exaggerated. I remember the first time when he was screaming at me and telling me how he was disgusted with my behaviour, I was devastated as I didn’t recognise me in what he was saying. I think it all started since then.

Somethings I have told him about I wish I didn’t as he uses it against me.

There has been a few incidents when I was drinking and I acted in a terrible way, someone said to me, this isn’t like you and I remember saying ‘it feels like he loads a gun and encourages me to fire it and then blames me’
After this, I’ve never felt easy drinking around him.
When he’s drinking and if I’m with him I won’t have a lot, he doesn’t know at the time as I’ve seen how he tries to goad me, or makes comments or the next day twists a situation. He then gets frustrated when he doesn’t get a reaction from me or I can say 100% I wasn’t like that so then he brings up the past to have a go at me.

He hates my family for how he was treated, there was a few incident on their behalves but at the the time they were not thinking about his feelings after his (detail removed by Moderator) passed away, they were all in good spirits because of (detail removed by Moderator). It was rubbish on their behalves to not realise how he was feeling but he holds me responsible because I didn’t confront my family.

I know this will go on today and tomorrow at work I’ll get lots of nasty text messages or phone calls and if I don’t reply he will start threatening to come to my work.

All this because I stood up for myself.

I get put down and I’m fed up of it. (detail removed by Moderator) he made a snide remark about something I was wearing.
The other day he kept saying (I have (detail removed by Moderator) job) that I (detail removed by Moderator), he said it about 3/4 times in two minutes.
He tells me and everyone else how good looking he is, he tells me how he could get anyone woman as there’s loads that like him in (detail removed by Moderator) he goes into.
When we were out a few weeks ago (detail removed by Moderator)
All the men were laughing, a couple
Of the woman too, one didn’t – and now he doesn’t like her. (I get in with her but I’ve a feeling he’s going to cause a problem there.)
I laughed a long but I think he’s being completely serious – that I’m not worthy of him.

So sorry for this long post, I just need to get it out.

[Pineapplepie]

As expected I’ve been shouted at and he now wants me to apologise for everything I have done and said over the many many years we have been together.
I knew this would happen.
He says this wouldn’t have happened if u hadn’t have made the comment he said into a big thing, i really don’t think I made it in to a big thing, if he had said sorry I’d have moved on but he didn’t and took him to start being nasty to me.
He now wants an explanation over everything I’ve done, and for other people too of things of things that have said to him.
I’ve done this so many times, explained, i don’t know what he wants me to do it again?

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you, it feels so scary to think of leaving. I’ll start with the online chat x

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you for replying, I’m not in touch with any organisation, nobody knows, I’ve friends and family but I just can’t tell them, maybe the neighbours know but I’ve not told anyone. He wants to talk to me later u. The week because he says that I don’t understand. I honestly don’t know what I’ve done, other than question him on two things?
I’ve not been the perfect person in the past but I’ve learnt, changed and grown

[Pineapplepie]

Writing it down seems a good idea, not sure where as I wouldn’t want him to find it.
I had one day a the weekend where he was horrible and criticising me all day, to the point I burst into tears, which he was saying was fake, he doesn’t realise or care how hurtful he is being. He doesn’t stop when he starts saying things and i know I’ve a full day of it, it is exhausting.
One thing I have noticed is how He’s very critical of everyone around him and angry at everything so when he falls out or has a disagreement with someone else I breathe a sigh of relief as I won’t be having a day of it being targeted at me; bit I still have to listen to how he’s right about whatever it is.
But what I noticed is when he hasn’t got any one to fall out with he creates some with me, it’s like he thrives of it

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you Lisa and determinedtobehappy for replying, it makes sense what you are saying. He’s gone back into his nice phase since this and I’m so on edge with the weekend coming up.
I was alone in the kitchen yesterday and my eldest walked in, I jumped out of my skin because I thought it was him, not long before I’d popped out to the shop, I was only a short time but I thought he was going to start with me and accuse me of cheating by wanting to go out late on. He hasn’t said anything about this but I’m waiting for it. This must be how he keeps me on edge, I wonder if he knows he doing in?
It is what seems normal to me now, but I know it’s not.

[Pineapplepie]

What you have written is so similar to what I also went through at the start of the relationship, the only difference is I’m still in it with two children and struggle to leave. It only gets worse.
It really isn’t nice to live that way and you got the strength to leave,
I think the mind play tricks on us and lets us believe it isn’t or wasn’t so bad when deep down we know it is.

[Pineapplepie]

This is my struggle, in the nice phase he’s amazing and when he’s not, it’s awful. We’ve had a nice phase from (detail removed by Moderator) until (detail removed by Moderator), it’s been great and I think we are getting somewhere and going to have a good future, I start to make plans in my head but then when he just randomly starts in me think what am I doing? Why do I put up with this.
I’m secretly praying he’ll be nice to me tomorrow and we can get back on track.

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you, it’s so hard my head says one thing, my heart says another. Until I read something the other year I thought I deserved this and it was all my fault. I just need some to click into place but it’s so hard when he nice then not, he’s a big drinker and I think that plays a massive part in the way he acts.
I’ve tried to talk to him but it always turn into ‘what he’s had to put up with from me’ and that why he acts the way he does towards me. I the. feel guilty but what he says is all twisted and exaggerated and as much as I know it is I can’t stick up for myself. He can get really nasty and I read I should keep things as evidence so a separate email is a good idea. I have friends and family but no one knows, I think people would be shocked if they knew as he comes across so well with others and everyone likes him.
I’ve become pretty good at hiding things so I don’t know people would believe me.

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you, good idea. Maybe when I leave or if something happens that people will believe me, no one doubts me and I’m so embarrassed that I’m in this situation that I don’t tell anyone what happens, I’ve a feeling that he would turn everything against me, like every time I try to talk to him he does.

[Pineapplepie]

Hi, sorry I don’t have any advice, but I can relate.
this is one of the many reasons I think I’m scared to leave my husband but I dont know to what extent they’d be safe to be with him for a long period of time with his drinking, some days he drinks a lot, some days not as much, but every day he drinks. He wouldn’t hurt them but he falls asleep, in a deep sleep, gets frustrated etc.
I hope you find an answer.

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you all for replying.

He almost falls out with everyone he meets, eventually, but no he doesn’t ever hit them. He shouts at his mum the same way he does me but would never hit her, I tried to speak with her about him but she doesn’t want to be involved.
I don’t tell anyone about this as I’m really embarrassed, a few of my friends and family know a few things but not the full extent.
A friend of mine said that she couldn’t believe a strong person like me wouldn’t put up with anything like this. How wrong is she, And my mouth wouldn’t let me tell her that she is wrong, and I am allowing this to happen and I don’t feel strong or confident after this last incident. I feel so worn out.

[Pineapplepie]

You are right; I do want my family, I want it normal, I wish he could. I felt he wasn’t just a partner but my best friend, I love him so much and wish I could stop. I look back at the things that have happened and I’ve sort of blocked it all out, I can see now that this all started in the first year of us being together but I couldn’t see it as 99% of the time it’s been verbal.

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you all so much for replying, there’s plenty for me to research to try and accept the reality of this, it’s going to be hard for me to accept that the person who I thought my husband is, isn’t really him anymore, or maybe he has never been who I thought he was. It’s a very confusing time.

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you all so much for your replies, I will certainly look into all your suggestions and I agree, i do need to see someone or speak with someone for me, to build confidence and some strength.
(Removed by moderator), he decided he was going to speak to me and he has decided that everything is now ok ( he has practically ignored me since (removed by moderator) and after hitting me). He called me at (removed by moderator) asked me what were having to eat later and then screamed down the phone, said he wasn’t leaving after all but if I did one more thing he would. When I got home he kept asking if I’d cheated on him over and over. It is draining. He then said he’s going to let this one go ( I don’t know what I’ve done) and have a nice Christmas with the children, he was then overly too nice with the children.I have barely said a word, I can’t work him out or what is actually happening. All I know at the minute is that I’m embarrassed that I’ve let it come to this, I feel guilty for all he’s done for me and I’m ashamed that I feel this way.

[Pineapplepie]

I don’t get why, he has said some horrible things and has hurt me in Every way possible, but that can never be mentioned band I have to forget about it. He also tells me he only did them things because of me.
Is that the same for you too?

[Pineapplepie]

That’s so similar, he got us in lots of debt which I stupidly put in my name so I should have spare money but I don’t as I’m trying to pay it off amosngt most of the bills, he on the other hand doesn’t pay towards the debt and I’ve discovered is outgoings a so much less than mine so he has spare money, and this is what he uses against me.
Why do they do this.

[Author]

Posts