PolarBear

[PolarBear]

Hi Sparklygiraffe, Well done for opening up, it takes a lot of courage. This is a very supportive community where you will not get judged so don’t worry about that. There are many places you can get support and advice. You could contact womens aid on their helpline. They are very helpful. The reason he is saying that your life will come crashing down is because he wants you to doubt yourself and stay in the relationship. Its a way of controlling you. I left my abusive ex a few years ago and my life has far from crashed down. I feel much stronger now than I ever had, and leaving him began that journey into self care and self knowledge and self support. Trust yourself and your gut and always know you can turn to people on this forum. Take care x

[PolarBear]

I am feeling similarly. Enough is enough. Things must change. GT i agree, i have come across a few of those men online and tried to put my point across and back up other women’s arguments and all we got was belittling, deflecting and even gas lighting. I can’t help but think that these men who are arguing online are most probably abusive to the women closest to them and that’s why they are reacting so strongly to these comments. It makes me so angry. What does give me hope is the men out there willing to listen and asking what they can do, though I wish there were more of them out there!

I am going to light a candle now. I will be thinking of (detail removed by Moderator) and her family and all who knew her and of all the amazing women on here x

[PolarBear]

Hi LB,

You are very brave and you will get through this time. I had a similar experience with friends not believing me and it hurt so much, but know that we are all here for you and we believe you! As Hawthorn says, be compassionate with yourself and accept your feelings and do whatever you need to do right now. I know it can feel hopeless now, I’ve been there. But things will change in time and tomorrow is another day. It will be worth it in the end. Keep posting on here and keep nurturing yourself. Sending love x

[PolarBear]

Big hug to you and all the amazing women on here. I hope you are having a better day

[PolarBear]

How are you doing Cantmakedecisions? I hope you are ok and you have all the support you need and you are feeling better.

[PolarBear]

It’s so hard, i’ve been triggered again. I am trying to reconnect with friends who are friend’s with my ex as i feel upset not to have them in my life anymore and some of them I knew even before he did. One of our friends’ in common commented on my fb post so I clicked on her page and saw him tagged in one of her posts so I clicked on that (I shouldn’t have done it – I am kicking myself) and saw a post on his wall of a (detail removed by moderator) he and his housemate (also someone I was friends with) have backed for his new girlfriend, saying (detail removed by moderator). It makes me so upset and angry, she has posted it saying how grateful she is for it…… why do I doubt my decision every time something like this happens? People must think, why did you throw that away? Well the person who bakes lovely cakes for people also threatened me!! I can’t get over how he has managed to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes. And it feels so unfair that he is up there with all the friends I had to leave (along with my dream job), and new partner and I am still struggling and in lockdown with my mum. I miss friends my own age and I feel like such a failure sometimes…….I hate how much damage my upbringing and the relationship with him has caused.. I am lucky though as I am safe now, that is what i have to remember. Sending love to you all and I hope you are all safe too

 

[PolarBear]

I can also relate to this so much. I hope you are feeling calmer and happier again. Take care

[PolarBear]

Thank you fizzylem for the message and advice, i really appreciate and I hope you’ve had a good day so far

[PolarBear]

My first red flag, although not thinking it was at the time, I guess him shouting at me completely out of the blue and overreacting when i picked up a the ‘wrong’ cloth to help him clean the kitchen. Also, threatening the end of the relationship when i didn’t have sex with him for the first time in the relationship, then denying he said it when i brought it up another day, following by him saying he felt suicidal when he thought his last girlfriend was leaving him. This was the proper ‘red flag’ that i really felt at the time. I then felt trapped in the relationship as I was so scared that the person I loved would do something stupid because of my actions

[PolarBear]

Thank you for these quotes – I love a good quote too. I recommend the poem Desiderata by Max Ehrmann too. Google will find it. It always helps me when I am feeling down.

[PolarBear]

Thanks for your message TS. I hope you are feeling better now. Its good not to feel alone. I hate feeling misunderstood. Sometimes I just feel people don’t get it and think I am overreacting and should be over it by now. I sometimes get frustrated by how much it has affected me. I recently did not go to a really important reunion of friends who are nothing to do with my ex, purely because i didn’t want to revisit the area where it all happened and run the risk of bumping into him. I missed out on meeting a friend’s new baby and another friend who had flown over from another country. I hate how his behaviour is still affecting my life. It feels so unfair.

Have also found that some friends in common don’t believe that side in him, which i am finding very upsetting as I’ve known one friend much longer than he has (10 years compared to 2). This has really really upset me, almost as much as my ex’s behaviour. I find it really hard and an insult. It feels like i am on trial and I am being punished but I am not the one who threatened anyone!! I just want life to be normal again :(.

I will look into seeing my GP

Thanks

PB

[PolarBear]

Thank you Lisa and IWMB for your posts and thoughts, it really helps to feel I am not alone in all of this and to talk to people who I can relate to. Thank you for your advice Lisa and thank you IWMB for opening up, its so valuable to feel understood and to share these experiences. I am sorry to hear that you have no support from your family. Do you have others that you can turn to? I am really glad the forest walks are helping you. I love nature and the outdoors too and it has really helped me. I do a lot of wild swimming which i find very helpful for my moods. Last summer I went all the time with the dog and I swear it was one of the main things that got me through a really difficult time – do you like swimming? i really reccommend it. I go in a river in the woods so get the forest bathing bit too! There is a wild swimming group down here – maybe you have a local one too that you could meet up with if it was something you were interested in? Thank you for your advice about putting me first and not to feel guilty – its wise advice. Yes I too am realising how common abuse is – 2 of my friends are with men that i think are controlling and manipulative and its hard sometimes to take a back seat and see the damage they are doing.

I hope you are both enjoying your weekends. Thanks again and take care

Polar Bear

[PolarBear]

Yes – I am seeing my relationship with my dad and step mum in this light and also I am seeing abuse in relationships of close friends and finding it very hard to witness and not tell them what to do! Especially when i witness my friend’s partner speaking to her young children in a horrible way – it hurts me to the core and reminds me of my upbringing and I just want those 2 girls not to have to be in that situation as I am still healing from all the hurt my own dad has caused me. Its very hard to witness it towards close friends and not get involved but it is their life and their choice. I want to be able to trust that there are good men out there but it can be very hard to believe this when all you know is unhealthy relationships.

[PolarBear]

Thank you maddog, it is really hard to face it. I just can’t believe how brave and strong you and other women with children are to get through these experiences. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to make these decisions and break free or stay when children are involved. This whole experience has really opened my eyes as to how much this happens in the world. Ever time I ring women’s aid and find it is engaged I think about how many women are struggling in that moment and it makes me so sad. But having this site is helpful in giving me hope. And opening up on here is different to talking to others as I know people here get it. I feel sometimes people are getting impatient with me, that maybe I should be over it by now. And I get impatient with myself also. I hope you have had a good Easter x

[PolarBear]

Thank you timetomoveon. It’s really helpful to have this site and talk to people that can relate to these experiences. I really hope I can learn to trust again, why do these people have to be so caring also? They suck you in, and then they play with your emotions. I hope you have had a good Easter and thank you for your reply and support. It really does help x

[PolarBear]

Thankfully its just my house, he doesn’t live there, but I still feel strange as a couple of times when I was living there I came home to find the back door ajar and have wondered if he might have done this to scare me but I am probably overthinking things. I will have to go up again to sort out moving larger stuff and will try and find someone else to help out as even though i feel like i am overreacting I really don’t feel comfortable doing it on my own.

[PolarBear]

Thank you for your message. It’s helps to talk to people that get it. That get how life changing it can be to go through experiences like this. My life has shrunk so much and I resent him for that. I never said all the difficult stuff I wanted to say to him as I was worried about his mental health when I broke up with him so I am left with a lot of anger which I am not sure how to deal with. Anger for the way he treated me but also anger at the lack of support from those friends and them questioning my view of it. When I told her, her reaction was ‘was he joking?’ Who jokes about punching you in the face??? His tone of voice changed, it became threatening, and he put his fist in front of my face. When I asked him why he did it, he initially denied it but I called him up for it and he did admit he said it. So I know it happened and so does he. But when your friends of (detail removed by moderator) years are still hanging out with him, it really feels like a massive blow and a shock… and also as they are a big part of group of friends I was really close to (that were not common friends) I haven’t been able to see them as the reunion was where he lives. I hate how much I have sacrificed because of him. My job, my house … and now I am losing connections with friends that are nothing to do with him when friends are really what I need right now. I am still struggling to find the right work, as the emdr therapy is bringing up lots of emotions. It just feels so unfair, I am getting impatient with myself. I want to be able to get on with my life. I am lucky that I have some really good friends though and I hope to meet more good people too. Does anyone have any hints on how to trust people again? How to make connections again? I hope you are all enjoying your Friday night and have a great weekend

[PolarBear]

Hi Notsurewhattowrite,

Welcome to the forum. Have you contacted women’s aid? I urge you to give them a ring, they will be able to help and support you. Well done for joining the group, keep posting, it is a really supportive site.

My first red flag, although not thinking it was at the time, I guess him shouting at me completely out of the blue and overreacting when i picked up a the ‘wrong’ cloth to help him clean the kitchen. Also, threatening the end of the relationship when i didn’t have sex with him for the first time in the relationship, then denying he said it when i brought it up another day, following by him saying he felt suicidal when he thought his last girlfriend was leaving him. This was the proper ‘red flag’ that i really felt at the time. I then felt trapped in the relationship as I was so scared that the person I loved would do something stupid because of my actions

[PolarBear]

Thank you freedomtochoose, it really helps to know others have been through similar feelings although i don’t wish these feelings on anyone! That sounds like a really good idea to ring a friend for a reality check, I will try that, thank you for the advice. I think its hard for people to truelly understand if they have not gone through something like this. I remember finding it hard to understand why a friend continued in a relationship I thought was abusive a few years ago, and now i realise how complex it is and I get it and I guess at least that is something I can be thankful for this experience for as I feel at least I have learnt a bit and now I can understand my friend better. I hope you are having a great day and thank you for your reply it really does make a difference

[PolarBear]

Thanks for the advice with the diary, I have written some things but I will write a full list. I hope you had a lovely walk. Getting out in nature always helps me

[PolarBear]

Thank you SunshineRainFlower, its a comfort to be able to relate to others and realise I am not the only one that feels like this although I wish it was not happening to us! I can completely relate to you regarding wanting a family. I think this is what is intensifying my anxiety and fear as I can feel a biological clock ticking and I am scared I will run out of time, and I remember the good kind caring side of him and think I have blown it, which makes me really sad. For some reason these feelings become intensely strong when I have pmt. Does anyone else have this? And this week its a combination of pmt and leading up to moving the furniture which makes the decision final I guess and that is so scary. I think its hard for me to trust that there can be healthy relationships out there as I grew up in unhealthy dynamics, where my dad cheated on my mum and was controlling and also shouted a lot, and now this. I do think these recent events have been a turning point for me though. I had to walk away as I was starting to punch walls and this really scared me (I think this was also due to me not being on the right medication also, another reason why I doubt my decision as I fear that the medication altered my perception of things). Its like I had reached such a rock bottom place that I was forced to change (moving away and my medication etc). I think part of the unease is that I didn’t really confront him properly on the bad behaviour as i was scared for his mental health and of his reaction. I wish I had to see if he would have agreed to help himself. But then again i did say i wanted some space and I said to him to have a think about what I said and that i felt he took his frustrations out on me when he drank and he said ‘everyone takes their frustrations out on people sometimes, they just need to learn not to take it so personally’ and that just made me feel like he wasn’t ready to take responsibility for his actions. I wish I had been more strong with him but I was scared of how he would react and decided to break up via email. I wish I had a crystal ball to help me know that it definitely was the right decision. Thank you for your advice about writing things down, I do tend to do this which does help. And writing this reply has helped also. I am glad to hear things have gotten better for you with time and I hope you are having a great day. This forum is really helping me, thank you everyone

[PolarBear]

Thank you for your message and advice puzzled. Its a lesson I need to learn I guess. Yes setting boundaries is something I have always struggled with, as well as resisting the urge not to fix others. Its such a hard thing to watch someone you care about suffer and not be able to stop them or help them get through it. I was more strong and my self at the start but then I started losing my sense of self and confidence, especially when I stopped working and had far too much time to think. I think my difficulties and self esteem issues probably stem from having a controlling dad and these old wounds were reopened. I reached such rock bottom in this that I was feeling like I didn’t want to be around anymore but I hope and think I have turned a corner, though now I have to set new boundaries with family members to avoid more hurt. Wishing you peace, strength and happiness on International Women’s Day

[PolarBear]

Thank you for your advice and comments Tiffany. I am glad to hear that things have improved with you with time. Reading your message helps me to feel less unsure and stay stronger and know I am not alone in all this. Its such a strange situation, sometimes I think I imagined it all and sometimes I feel like I am overreacting as I haven’t been hit so I am really lucky compared to others. I have not messaged him back and sometimes feel bad about this. I just wouldn’t know what to say. I have found it hard to be totally honest as I have been worried about hurting him and so I haven’t really gone through all the upsetting behaviour. I have written stuff but not sent it. I am collecting my car soon and I am really anxious about it but my friend is coming with me which is a huge relief. I am not sure whether to keep it secret or to let him know but say I don’t want to see him. I am worried if I see him, it will turf up old feelings and I am also frightened of him, but its so strange to have all these conflicting emotions. Something I am really struggling with is knowing how to stay in contact with common friends. I really miss them and wish I could have that life back and I normally have a really honest relationship with friends but I don’t want to taint their view of him so I am avoiding talking to them much (because I can’t trust that I won’t just blurt stuff out) which means I feel like I am losing touch and also I am not sure about meeting up with anyone as its a tight knit group and I don’t want to bump into him and I am only up there briefly because I am worried and also my friend needs to get back. I am also struggling to ask for help from friends there to jump start my car as I am not in much contact so feel a bit weird asking favours. Has anyone got any advice on how to best manage common friendships? Thanks a lot and Happy International Women’s Day. I hope it has been a good one

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