Raincloud

[Raincloud]

This thread really helped me to understand my own experiences.

It has made me feel that I am normal and that I am not all of the nasty things that I was previously called.

Like a lot of you I also cried during sex, dreaded going to bed and was woken in my sleep countless times to have sex. If I didn’t agree he would do it anyway and if I felt strong enough to leave the room he would start shouting and slamming around the house in an attempt to wake the kids up. Therefore I would agree to keep the peace. I felt disgusted in myself during and afterwards.

Our sex life was really passionate and good at the start, it felt really loving and my body responded to him in a very positive way. That was when the nice him was still around. After our first child was born the sex changed, the frequency was more, the demands for sex increased and I was called frigid, a lesbian, ugly, fat etc. He accused me of cheating on him, many of times he said I must be sleeping with other men as my ‘performance’ had improved. I was judged by how my body looked, how well I performed in the bedroom and on how well I could please him.

I am only now starting to feel like my body is my own, as I felt like I was owned by him before. He would touch me when he wanted, perform sexual acts on me in my sleep, have sex with me in my sleep and on a couple occasions he performed sexual acts on himself and covered me in you know what whilst I slept. I felt worthless, ashamed, humiliated and a sense of why is he doing this to me. He didn’t think any of this was wrong as I was ‘his’ and as his girlfriend it couldn’t be classed as rape or sexual assault.

I hope we can all keep posting and talking about this subject, as it really has helped me to understand my own feelings. I haven’t told anyone else the things I have mentioned in this post and being anonymous helps.

xxx

[Raincloud]

Thank you so much for both of your replies. I feel a lot better after writing all of my feelings down and sharing with you guys so thank you so much. This place really does pick me up when I feel at my lowest.

I think my Mum does realise but she doesn’t have the courage to walk away and leave him. He controls her with money, she lives a nice life with materialistic things, nice holidays, clothes etc. He blows hot and cold with her, I have witnessed so many red flags over the last couple of months that I have lived with for years without thinking that isn’t okay. I have done the freedom programme but many years ago now, when I was still in my abusive relationship.

I haven’t spoke to my children’s father on a personal note for a very long time. After the episode with my Dad this morning, I weirdly wanted to call him and have him comfort me. I must be insane for even thinking of that, I didn’t and will not be contacting him.

I feel like I need to remove myself and my children as far away from my Dad as I can, my sister isn’t very sympathetic as she has never been treated the same as me. I am convinced this is because when physical fights would go on downstairs I would go downstairs to help my mum, many of times I have stood in front of my mum to protect her (he never hit me in those episodes). Whereas my sister would sit in her bedroom as if nothing was happening.

It took me a while to leave my ex partner, but the main reason for doing so was the scared shocked look on my daughters face when she witnessed way too much it reminded me of myself at her tender age.

Thank you again for your support it means a lot xx

[Raincloud]

Also just wanted to add that after leaving my children’s Dad due to his abusive behaviour, which took a lot for me to do and many years to build the courage to get out of the relationship, I really depended on my parents a lot I felt as though they understood what was going on. Mainly to protect the children and I, we have stayed at their house a lot and my Dad has put different safety measure’s up at my house to make me feel safe in my own home. I have been frightened to return home on many occasions over the last year. All of this was thrown back in my face this morning, why would any Dad want to hurt their child like this? I don’t really understand, I feel broken (sorry to sound dramatic). How or why would my Dad want to do this to me?

There is no going back from this, which is very sad for my children right now but if I can protect them from any more exposure to such behaviour I will at all costs.

[Raincloud]

Hi Paper,

I am a firm believer of no contact, if you can try not to read the emails just keep them as evidence. If he keeps contacting you then call the Police, this is harassment. You could also apply for an injunction or Non Molestation order against him.

Try to remember all of the things he is saying to you is to mess with your head and to continue the abuse. As time passes and he looses more and more control please prepare for him to get worse before it gets better.

In the early stages I used to read everything that was sent to me, then I would write a reply and send it to my friend I found it helped me to get how I was feeling out but without contacting him. Now he is blocked on everything, my work email is the only way he can contact me and that goes into my Junk folder.

I hope you are okay and sending you big hugs. xx

P.S You are not whatever he says you are! Believe in yourself.

[Raincloud]

Hi ilikechicken,

I completely sympathise with you on feeling scared to death about your OH keeping your children, the only control left is by using your children. So please keep that in mind, that he may use the children as a weapon against you.

My solicitor advised I withdrew the children any contact with their father until he took me to court, I wanted what was best for my children and I believed that contact should remain with their Dad. To cut a long story short the contact is facilitated, so far this has worked for me but I know it won’t be long before he challenges me about this contact. You could use a contact centre for future contact.

With my daughters school I have advised them of the situation, my OH has never been to our daughters school and the only authorised person is me to do drop offs and pick ups. We have a password system in place if someone else needs to collect her, I know this isn’t legally binding as he has parental responsibility but I am sure the school can work with you if you let them know the situation.

I agree with @twistedsister if you inform the police of your plan they can document what could possibly happen in the future.

Stay safe and good luck for your plan.

Sending strength, love and courage your way xx

[Raincloud]

Thank you for such kind words. I feel as though I have a new group of friends who can really understand what life is like when living with abuse.

Big hugs to everyone xx

[Raincloud]

Hi Redbird,

Firstly your life is worth living, you have taken a big step by coming on to WA and writing in the forum. This is a very dangerous time for you, as these type of men are most dangerous when we try to leave them. Please contact WA to arrange a safe exit plan for you and your children. Steps can be put in place to keep you all safe from him.

Stay strong, big hugs x

[Raincloud]

Thank you to everyone who replied to my original message and thelightinme how is your situation now?

The last couple weeks have been very tough for me personally, however feeling more positive today and with the support of close family and friends I know this will soon be a distant memory.

Sending hugs to everyone x

[Raincloud]

Hi Ariel,

Have you looked into having a formal child arrangement order put in place? There is lots of great information about this here: https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2016/what-is-a-child-arrangement-order/

Is your son safe to be staying with him? If he is making those types of threats towards you.

Sending you a big hug. x

[Raincloud]

Just to add as I have only just seen this post, my experiences below:

‘This is why no one likes you’ – I often felt this was true
‘Everyone knows you are mad’ – I really did question/ed my own sanity
‘Everyone thinks you are a liar’
‘You are controlling me not the other way round’
‘I did tell you where I was going, you didn’t listen’
‘You abuse are kids, not me’
‘When the kids are old enough I will tell them what type of woman you are and they will hate you like everyone else’
‘That didn’t happen, I had to restrain you and calm you down with force’ – I started to feel like I was the one who had it all wrong, after physical violence I would be left thinking have I blacked out, did it not happen how I remembered? Was I the violent one.
‘You use the kids as a weapon against me its all about control for you’
‘I love you too much to see others judge you about how you treat me’
‘No one else will want you with the children’
‘I am only with you because I have to be for the children’
‘If you was a real woman, I wouldn’t need to get angry and frustrated with you’

Just a few of the phrases that I heard for many many years and still hear. I wasn’t aware of the term ‘gas-lighting’ until a DV police officer spoke with me. For me personally the manipulation and the second guessing myself has been tough to overcome. I am still struggling with it all now, as everything is of course my fault. The entire breakdown of our family, the kids living without their father and I have made up a fictional story about the relationship and the events that happened/continue to happen. Despite all the physical photographic evidence, text messages, emails and reports to the police.

Sending love and light to everyone x

[Raincloud]

Sending big hugs to you, my ex partner also has developed a Cocaine addiction. I can relate to living with an addict.

I hope you get mentally and physically stronger. We are all here to support you if you need to talk. I am also new to the forum.

x

[Raincloud]

Hi,

I haven’t had to do this myself, but I looked in to getting a non molestation order against my ex partner. You can start by calling DV Assist and explaining the situation to them, they can act on behalf of you to get an Occupation Order. I have copied the information from their website below:

Apply for an Occupation Order

An occupation order is an order issued by the court which sets out who has the right to stay, return or be excluded from a family home.

An occupation order doesn’t change the financial shares in a home. It is usually a short-term measure and the length of time that it lasts will depend on your circumstances. In many cases an order will last for 6 or 12 months and some can be renewed.

An order can only be made for a property where you both live, did live, or intended to live in as the family home.

The website is http://www.dvassist.org.uk/about and the number to call is 0800 195 8699 the lady I spoke with was very kind and helpful.

Good luck xx

[Raincloud]

Could you possibly cut all contact with him and block him from being able to contact you? Is an explanation really needed as he isn’t going to accept anything you say. This is why you are feeling like he isn’t listening to you, because he isn’t there is no reasoning or rationalising with these type of men.

Big hugs x

[Raincloud]

This is also really helpful for me to log in and read this morning. This community has really helped me over the last couple of months, when I have been searching for answers and looking for support reading the forums has really helped. In times when I have felt completely insane due to gas-lighting for such a long time, I have always found an answer from this community.

The sense of guilt I think for me is personally one of the hardest things to overcome, I often feel that if I would have stayed could I have made it work. Of course I tried my hardest and overstayed ‘to make it work for the children’.

My children still see their father, facilitated contact by his family once a week, they could have more but choose not too. My eldest (not very old) often comes home and asks questions about why Daddy can’t visit at our home? Why won’t I allow Daddy to do this or do that? Normally questions that have been fed into the brain after contact. In age appropriate terms I explain why Mummy and Daddy are no longer together but we both love them very much. My youngest has never lived properly in a home with two parents together, but both children have witnessed a lot. My eldest shared in group time at nursery what had made her sad ‘My Daddy shouts at my Mummy and he hurts her’. Has anyone else dealt with such things from young children? What are the books called?

Sending massive hugs to everyone xx

[Raincloud]

Understandably, as mentioned below he is using intimidation to control you. When you spend time with your son you do not have to justify where you take him. A formal arrangement will remove the control your ex partner is trying to have with the contact between you and your sons.

I am unsure of how old your son is, I contacted a HV when my daughter would come home after contact with her Dad saying really bizarre things she had been asked or overheard. The HV was brilliant and came to visit us.

I hope this helps in some way. x

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