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Thank you Serenity, I’ll log it with the Police x

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This thread has made me feel sick to my stomach because the first few posts are so spot on. I saw the flags, and I ignored them. He was such a charmer to begin with, he swept me off my feet. Yet the flags appeared early on and I ignored them. I uprooted my whole life for him despite my gut telling me not to. I’m an intelligent woman and I cannot believe to this day I let him into my life because that choice is going to impact me forever. I have two children with him so will have to have him in my life to a certain extent until they are older.

I am not with him now but even now he carries on – not to the same level as Ive set boundaries but he tries. The evil stare is still there. He will not change. This man is a doctor – people go to him with their problems and probably some have even told him they’ve been victims of abuse. Yet he cannot admit that he too is an abuser. I’ve been out for a year but its only now the impact of his years of emotional abuse is really hitting me.

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Oh my goodness Sunshine, sounds exactly like my life. I could have written your email x

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I totally get this. I’ve been feeling it a bit tonight, and have just been round the house double checking the doors are locked and that the curtains are closed tight. For some reason it has taken me back to when I used to have to sleep in my clothes when living with him in case I had to get the children out of the house quickly in the night.

I’d only use the computer given to you by your relative, not the one he has had access to. None of what you’ve said is irrational. Trust your instinct xx

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Please please listen to your gut instinct. This man is showing you many, many red flags. I had many of these early in my relationship too and because he could be so delightful and charming I chose to ignore them. It got a lot worse for me than a few red flags down the line. Hard as it may be, don’t try to save him if he is “in a mess”. He may well be but it’s not your responsibility, and he will not change. Believe the other ladies, best thing you can do is walk away, and don’t look back.

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Thank you both, I hugely appreciate your replies. I know what I have to do. I used to be so intuitive and would rely heavily on my intuition before I met him. When he had his first outburst and smashed his fist through the lounge wall a few months into our relationship many years ago, I foolishly ignored my gut instinct to run for the hills and not look back. It has only been recently I’ve felt the power of it again and I know I have to do what is right for me. Happy mum = happy kids, right?! Thank you for reiterating it lovely ladies xx

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Oops, typo – children’s father not ex

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I’m going through something similar at the moment as my children’s ex has supervised access only, and I’m the one supervising it as we have no family close by. It’s not ideal as given what’s happened over the years, I don’t really want to see him. However, he wants to see the children and they want to see him so I’m doing the best I can for my children. My ex has been pushing for unsupervised access and given his history I have refused it, even though he has parental responsibility. I have very strong reasons to refuse it. I would say stand your ground. If your son – and your parents – are happy to continue with the visits as they are, then I’d refuse to change it – for now at least. Ultimately, you are trying to keep their relationship going, and are acting in your son’s best interest. Personally, I’d advise against you supervising if possible. There is also the contact centre option but of course your son would be around people he doesn’t know.

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He is emailing as he says he lost his phone.
He’s now sending some bizarre emails saying (detail removed by moderator). I’m going to phone has sister – she can deal with it.

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I did nothing (removed by moderator) -didn’t alert his family or the police as he requested – and this morning I’ve got an email asking me to pop round as he is feeling very bad and needs to let me know about a few things.

I shouldn’t go should I?

I know he will be crying and I honestly don’t think I can deal with this again. Does that me a heartless and uncaring person? This always makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’ve been through this so many times I feel like I’m stuck in a revolving door.

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Thank you both. I’ve heard it so often I’m almost immune to it. This is when he’s his most dangerous and unpredictable though – I’ve been in this cycle many times sadly so know the pattern. I’ve done nothing so far and he has gone quiet.

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Absolutely spot on Serenity. I wish I’d listened to my gut all those years ago. I remember his first outburst of violence – he punched a hole in his lounge wall – vividly, and it shook me to the core. (detail removed by Moderator) later and pales into insignificance compared to his behaviour since. I first posted on here years ago when pregnant and I was doubting my instincts. Flowerchild was the first to reply that I was indeed being abused, and I’ve always been grateful to her for that. I’m sure this post Serenity will be a starting point for those in any doubt xx

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Thank you both for replying. I am just being protective but he doesn’t get that of course. PP – they sound like very similar men. How long was it between moving for a second time? Are you happier being a bit further away?

SS aren’t involved – ex’s job means he knows how to play the system and I don’t know if I want to go down that route. If I call the NSPCC, how confidential are they? My solicitor has everything logged however, including one of the three death threats I’ve received which he left on my voicemail. She has suggested that if he’s wants more he’ll have to make the move via a Court, and I don’t think he’ll do that. Think I’m going to have to hold my ground and deal with the barrage no doubt coming my way. Thanks ladies xx

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Hi Bunssndcakes

I totally get this – I’m going through similar to you. We’ve finally sold the family home and I’ve bought a new place with our two young children. I finally feel safe. I’ve been through and coped with so much of his abuse over the years that now I’m finally out of it I’m finding it hard to comprehend much of what has happened. I’m going through so many feelings, it’s a real emotional rollercoaster – the sadness, relief to be away, anger at him for his appalling behaviour, anger at myself for putting up with it, and grief I guess. It’s far easier to stay than leave but you’ve done it, so big hug for how far you’ve come and what you’ve achieved. Baby steps now. Be kind to yourself. You’ve made a huge step forward. For now take it one day at a time xx

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Hello, I feel for you. My ex has countless times threatened suicide, too many to count, and he has attempted it. It is despicable for your ex to say it to his children, but these men don’t think about the effects these words have on little ears. As Lisa says, it is a risk factor and whilst you are not responsible for your ex’s welfare, you are responsible for your childrens. My ex is currently only allowed supervised access to our children, and one of the (many) reasons why are his mental health issues and suicide threats. Your ex should not be offloading this on his kids – whether he genuinely feels that way or is just attention seeking and trying to regain control, it’s appalling for children to hear that. If you have concerns for your kids when they are with him, you must seriously consider getting the police involved and stopping unsupervised visits.

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