Rising Tide

[Rising Tide]

Thank you. I do journal his behaviour just in case I ever need it. And I have an email account that is just for him, so I can log out until I’m ready.

It helps to be heard. Thank you.

[Rising Tide]

This is really helpful to read. I’ve spent too much time today rehashing the past. Your post reminded me to reflect on how different my life already feels and to feel good about the steps I’ve put in place to reclaim my life and my freedom.

[Rising Tide]

With my abuser, it’s not just him who would need to change, it’s his whole community. He gave his old phone to our child, so I could see the texts where he’s read books on abuse and says he sees that behaviour in himself, but his friends and family tell him it’s not true! They talked him out of taking part in a programme for abusers!

[Rising Tide]

Hi Kip,

Wanted to thank you for your feedback! I spoke to the local Women’s Aid and with a couple changes to the routine, I have now greatly reduced my contact with him. For reasons specific to my situation, it’s not a good idea to completely cut off contact. But he is contacting me less and less. I wonder if he’s realising I’m not playing a game. I’m not doing this for fun or as a scare tactic to get my way. He played so many mind games in the marriage, including threatening to leave me if I didn’t do what he wanted. Of course he didn’t follow through on leaving me – it was just a threat to try and scare me. I don’t want to be married to someone who plays games with their marriage. That’s not love.

[Rising Tide]

Thank you, I will contact my local women’s aid. I’ve been doing shuttle mediation so I never have to see him, but you’re so right that his contact outside of mediation is finding loopholes to keep abusing me. Thank you!!

Just to vent, I was listening to a podcast about emotional abuse, and the presenter said to imagine that your abuser just magically disappeared, never able to make contact with you again. Imagining it felt like freedom. Just picturing a world without the threat of his abuse I could feel my muscles relax and my fears subside. It’s amazing how they can sneak the abuse in without you even noticing how it’s impacting you. This is why I could never go back to him. He clearly hasn’t changed and has no interest in changing.

[Rising Tide]

I had no idea that mediation wasn’t recommended! Thank you for letting me know. How do people navigate the divorce? All through lawyers?

[Rising Tide]

Thank you. That was the balm I needed on a painful realization. You’re totally right that seeing the depths of how petty he was is yet another reminder I was right to end the relationship. And it will be a reminder going forward to never re-open the relationship because I would never date someone who did that, I wouldn’t be friends with someone who did that, let alone be married to someone like that.

[Rising Tide]

These are both amazing! I love the empowerment to help others heal from someone who understands.

KIP, that is amazing you’ve made a measurable difference. Getting laws changed is immense!

Same-again, your idea sounds entirely do-able! I listen to meditation for healing from trauma and would love a yoga retreat. That book is on my reading list, as looking back it’s amazing how my body knew long before my brain did.

My day job is amazing at making a difference in the world including (detail removed by Moderator). \what I want now is more of a brain-space filling hobby. I used to do long distance (detail removed by Moderator), but that’s not reasonable with kids during a pandemic. I just need something to think about that isn’t related to abuse or trauma. A little mental vacation from the seriousness of it all!

[Rising Tide]

That is really helpful, thank you! Remembering that this is now my house and I am in charge is powerful.

[Rising Tide]

Thank you all. Reading your messages helped get me through a hard day. I know I need time and space to face the pain and sadness, but I’m also thankful for busy days at work that both distract me and help me build my sense of self outside of the crumbling relationship.

[Rising Tide]

I am so sorry to hear about the baby. As you give them space to heal, I hope you can find ways to take care of yourself and mourn your loss as well.

[Rising Tide]

The scary thing is he probably did see it wasn’t about him, which is why he made it about him. He was scared that the attention was moving away from him, so he had to bring it back by baiting you into an emotionally charged situation. He was willing to sacrifice the love and support your child needs to fill his own need for attention.

I am so sorry he’s made a hard situation even worse. My thoughts are with you and your child.

[Rising Tide]

Yes, mine started doing that. It’s so he can show how nice he is, but I’m an ungrateful nag who doesn’t really appreciate his thoughtful gesture.

If I question it, he tells me how good his intentions are, while totally ignoring the fact that what he gave me is actually broken and I’d have to spend more time and money getting it fixed that he spent acquiring it in the first place.

[Rising Tide]

Are you getting support from Women’s Aid to make a safe plan to leave? I keep reading it’s the most dangerous time. While my abuser is out of the house, he’s making trouble through legal proceedings. Like yours, he said he wanted the marriage to end, told me how I was the worst person in his life and the marriage made him miserable. Yet, now that divorce is on the table, he’s finding all kinds of reasons to delay it. Odds are this is because he wants to keep me in his web of manipulation, and doing that will be harder once the legal ties are cut.

Can you tell your family about the abuse? Letting them know what’s going on so they know what warnings signs to look out for could help you stay safe.

[Rising Tide]

gettingtired,

Your partner sounds so much like mine. Controlling those little things. Making you feel guilty for a bit of time or happiness for yourself. Because this was how he was raised. His father was just as horrible to his mother, so he thought it was how marriage should be.

What struck me about your post was your concern for your family member if you left him. While I don’t know the details of your situation, I imagine what your family member really wants is for you to be happy. They don’t want you stuck in a lifetime of manipulation and abuse. Leaving him would be loving for both of you.

And if he is treating you so badly now, just imagine how it will escalate if you committed. He’ll feel even more entitled to tell you when and where to sleep.

Have you read Games People Play by Eric Berne? It’s not directly about abuse, but sheds light on the difference between indirect communication and creating high-stakes manipulation.

[Rising Tide]

I love that idea! I was looking into soap carving, but your idea sounds much less messy 🙂

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