SFHolding2

[SFHolding2]

A cinema trip with the kids. In over a decade I spent with my abuse I realised how deep the impact is on the children. I sat in the cinema and the children said that their Dad has never taken them to the cinema, not once. I looked around and there were plenty of men, fathers I assume. There was no excuse for it! There were even couples with their children….it was unheard of in our family!

[SFHolding2]

Thanks everyone, it is true what Serenity says, we will never be ourselves prior to the abuse…but I have tried to see this as a positive. I was far too trusting, forgiving and I put up with terrible emotional abuse which was way beyond what you would expect from a loving respectful relationship.
The things I have learnt from the experience is: be compassionate to me, I am worth my own investment. I take time to enjoy things I want to, I try not to feel guilt for doing this (it still is there slightly, but getting loads better). Be open an honest (I was embarrassed to tell anyone of the abuse, but once I opened up, everyone was so supportive), there is no shame in admitting what happened as it was not my fault.
I have started to enjoy being me…warts and all! I can be moody and ill tempered at times, but my good outweighs my bad and no one is perfect, but I am happy to be me.
I am not sure that I would have felt like this prior to the abuse, although the abuse was awful, in a funny kind of way it did me a favour, the art of acceptance and self respect and being compassionate to me would not be a priority as it is to me now. It’s a rocky road out there but you will get there. Stay positive as much as you can xxx

[SFHolding2]

Thank you all,I have some very good work colleagues who have been a great source of support, but due to work commitments we see one another less frequently nowdays. I remember my one colleague who is religious (I am not), she said that the Lord only sends us what we can cope with…..I am or have reached my limit. I get it that we sometimes need to reach the very low, to appreciate the good. It would be great to have some good, soon…..for all of us on the forum xxx recovering from abuse is a gruelling process, but a necessity, to discover ourselves, no matter of the pain. Thanks again, I will be going on the forum more often, it’s just I don’t have internet, so it’s not always that easy xxx

[SFHolding2]

Hi Serenity,
I haven’t been on here for a long while, but flipping through the site this morning and read your post from a few weeks ago and it really resonated with me.
My mum was very controlling and abusive, but I realised when I was with my ex, he in fact helped me to realise. He capitalised on my mum’s controlling to the point I had almost cut her out of my life. The two of them were arch enemies and they were both in competition to control me, it’s a horrible place to be in.
I have not got a miracle cure but what I do with my mum now if she starts to control me is I use I statements rather than you statements. For e.g rather than you said this or you did this, I change it to I dealt a like this when that happened, or I was hurt/angry when that was said…
You get the picture. It seems to work much better. I think my mum has very little understanding of abuse, and although she cares, she can be bossy and controlling and extremely impatient. She gets frustrated with how I do things as she sees things very simplictically, and I am trying to make good choices for the future not just here and now. It’s funny really because she comes to me for advice more than anyone, she lacks confidence more than most, as she asks me to phone people, order things from the internet and such like.
It’s a gruelling process recovering from abuse, I don’t think I will ever be the same again xxx

[SFHolding2]

Dear Serenity, I have just had my children back as my ex had them for a week. An incident of nasty verbal abuse occurred before Xmas by my ex and his mother. Unfortunately I have needed to log it with the police as I have simply reached rock bottom. Now the children are back they have heard complete lies from them. Not only have they denyied the verbal attack, they have told them that I should not have left as their Daddy was a kind man and I am abusive. I can honestly say hand on heart I was submissive and we very rarely argued as I learnt early on that there was no point.
My children suffer from emotional abuse as he tells them that he has no money to live and I am trying to take the house off him, my daughter was putting her pocket money in a Christmas card to help her father. What is that saying about how my children view things. He plays a victim which would gain an Oscar. But funnily enough my eldest is wising up to things a bit more. She is making whispers that she is not that kean on his mum trying to take over. She is always staying with him when he has the children, and I don’t think my daughter likes the way she tries to take over and she said that she thought her Dad and his mum had a very unusual relationship.
All you can do is indirectly teach them about power and controlling and manipulative behaviours by everyday things tv programmes, books and situations at school. That way they will recognise their behaviour hopefully more timely than perhaps we were able to. X x x

[SFHolding2]

Than you so much, tears rolling down my cheeks to even think someone cares about my post. I honestly think I have reached my all time low. I actually think I have started to feel emotions since starting antidepressants. Before that I seemed to be in a hypervigillant state of paranoia of what society thought of me, defensive, numb and irratable. Now I seem to be low in mood and tearful, I suppose it’s an emotion as opposed to before… love and hugs to you both x x

[SFHolding2]

Dear White Rose,
I have just started a course of antidepressants, along with sleeping tablets. I was anxious and intolerant of background noise, I was living in a complete state of anxiety. Been on meds for over a week and although I sleepy (bizarrely I cannot sleep still despite doubling up on sleeping pills as directed), I feel calmer, much calmer. I don’t know about you but I feel like I am waiting for the next bad thing to happen,I think this year has been awful and my resilience is the lowest it has ever been. I am just emotionally beaten up and despite domestic abuse counselling, meds and rest, I feel worn out.
I got into trouble at work as I never completed something I should have, I realise I am not coping now, but I don’t have a magical cure. I have hope that this next year may get better. I don’t have many friends, certainly none locally. On Xmas day my mum who is away on holiday got her friends to phone to wish me a happy Xmas….it was a nice thought and I appreciated it, but it somehow makes me also feel very very sad. I hope things improve for you. I understand how you are feeling, sometimes you think it couldn’t get any worse and something happens to take it down another notch and you just don’t know how much more you can take. Don’t feel bad about medication, I see emotions and mental health problems in the same way as pain thresholds. If you had unbearable pain you would take pain relief. Sometimes the emotional hurt and pain drain us until you have no more left in you to live a functional fulfilling life. Meds can help you to get back on track x x x

[SFHolding2]

Thanks, my housing officer knows the situation, there are just no vacancies. I bid on a house which I didn’t get, but when I spoke to my landlord (a charity used by local authority), they said they knew who had been offered it. On the off chance I asked if they had a bigger house and the said yes it was a three bed, but the landlord who I trust told me not to take it as its got damp throughout. I feel like my hands are tied. I don’t know how I ended up in such a state. I am living in a numbness relying on antidepressants and sleeping tablets to keep going. The gravity of my life like this has hit me like a thunderbolt. It’s just a nightmare that I cannot see an end to. My ex still has a go at me for leaving, he accuses me of being rude and I have never been rude to him…I wouldn’t dare to, yet he is the rudest man I know. My children still see him behave like this towards me, I feel powerless still even though I left him in the summer. I feel the odds are stacked against me,I am not normally so downgraded, but this last month has really taken its toll on me. Thanks to you all for your advice, I appreciate friendly ears x x

[SFHolding2]

Thanks for the reply. The police have logged it. They now know about the physical abuse earlier in the year. I never made a complaint at the time. I just needed to get out, and now I am in temporary accommodation. The police I could take it further, but I decided not to. I do not have to see my ex on a regular basis and I will make sure I will not be in a situation where I am alone with him and his mother again. I would do blow up beds, but I seriously do not have the ground room. There is four of us in a tiny room. I am looking into renting, I am worried as I have been in debt (financial abuse mainly), although I overspend a bit on the children, I felt the deserved it after such a tough year. I am worried I will be refused by a landlord.

[SFHolding2]

My children spoke to him on Xmas day on the phone, he said he would phone at a certain time and didn’t so I got the children to phone him. After they spoke they passed the phone to me to arrange what times he was seeing them over the holiday. I wished him a merry Xmas, he said nothing in reply. I don’t know why I bother, but I don’t want to become as rude and cruel as he is.

[Author]

Posts