Sunshines

[Sunshines]

I tried to leave about 600 times I’d say maybe more. I’d forgive him even after the most brutal attacks.

I’d spin it on myself and take some blame.

Don’t be ashamed how many times you try. Day by day.

You’ve already made the biggest step knowing you don’t want this life.

Life on the other side which I’m still experiencing is hard.

The financial stability for me has gone. Along with a lot of other things like confidence and identity. There is freedom in rediscovering yourself. Reinventing yourself to a person that you are proud of. It will take time. My confidence is on the floor but what do we expect after putting up with so much.

Peace for my children is priceless
A healthy Mum who has a plan

Do whatever it takes to get yourself stronger even if it’s day by day.
And have a secret plan or a vision

I was abused that badly I couldn’t even think of a vision or a plan
Day by day xxxxxxxxxxx

[Sunshines]

It’s so sad to accept that they cannot change and now you will be getting a feed of a chemical to keep you hooked in to the trauma bond.

Every time I went back I’d have a honey moon phase then I’d slowly watch him starting ever so subtly at first.

Then tension
Then incident
Then sorry begging behaviour
Then honeymoon

On repeat time and time again
Year after year
Then once you leave them it fills them with anger secretly so the next incident will be greater and full of venom.

It’s so hard to break the cycle
It’s programming
It’s addition to chemicals
And sometimes you feel safer with than without because your getting that fix

It’s hard for them to change
Very few do.

See how it goes and always come back on for advice. I went through this at least a million times
Sending love xx

[Sunshines]

Hi Stuckinturmoil

Your not wrong
Your not imagining it
The list you’ve wrote about the person it’s clear he’s not angry it’s clear that it is abuse.
Sometimes as women we have grown up around abuse but we didn’t know any different as the people who gave us the example we’re are role models.
You can stay and the list you’ve made will get bigger with time. He will cause you more pain and heartache
Or
You can make one the bravest moves you’ve ever made and leave
Won’t be easy nothing worth having is. You’ll be lonely it will be rough. Especially at first massive mountain to climb. Slowly slowly day by day the pain will turn to dislike. You will sit in peace and calm. No one having any opinion on you free to eat what you like go out where you like.
The list of positives will out weigh that list made of what your going through. If your close take the leap. It’s rough but it promises peace ☮️
Take care sending love xx

[Sunshines]

Hi Bambe

So you have little ones ?
If it’s really bad you can stop contact all together then he will have to take you to court for access which will cost him money and be a very lengthy process.

If you get a non molestation order he can see the kids through a third party so a friend or family member.

You sound like your still living with him from your post so maybe a little more complicated.

Either way your children and you are entitled to a peaceful happy home.
So you are being very brave looking into all your options and that’s definitely the thing to do xx

[Sunshines]

I found that physical violence was worse at its peak when I had a new born.
Congratulations by the way try your very best to get some time alone with your baby to bond.
I don’t understand why the violence gets worse around this time it may be the vulnerability that we as women display.
I also think you start to normalise the abuse and it’s definitely apart of the cycle. Try to get some rest and get away if you can from this and start a new life. I wish I had of felt the way I do now towards my abuser when my baby was born xxx sending you love

[Sunshines]

Thank you for your kind words ladies xx and if anybody wants to message or private message me if they are struggling I have a lots of ways that have found that can help don’t struggle on you need coping mechanisms xxx

[Sunshines]

Same !

I worry about how he is with my child when they are alone. I’m worried about his bad temper. I’m worried about his idea of being a parent.

I’m stuck at the minute because I work long hours ! It’s eating away at me.

Feel like leaving work but I need my job !

[Sunshines]

Mine was spoilt from the get go I got a token gift then I got called the biggest amount of names with in an hour

Disgusting names and it’s getting getting worse it’s daily now
And he’s started to call my eldest names too not to my eldest child’s face but to me and it’s even worse than him calling me

I just want him out of my life completely
I’m crumbing together bits of peace
It’s very intense

[Sunshines]

Hi lost blonde,

I’ve been in your situation so I got some evidence for the council to support my application and they helped me a little more.
Try gumtree there are actually some okay landlords privately.
Worse thing I done though was do all this then let him move in the new house the abuse got worse. Even when I thought it couldn’t possibly it did. And I’m a sucker for a honeymoon period so your not alone in the temptation and hope.
It’s like you fall in love all over again then before you know it you get everything shattered. It’s such a hard cycle to break so go easy on yourself.

If I hadn’t of had kids I’d of literally ran away to another country.

Good luck and go easy on yourself xx

[Sunshines]

I am feeling this tonight I’m so glad I found it to read. I feel completely sick I’ve left for good. He’s cried and cried and begged me not to do it but I’m repeating the things said and done in my head. I love my abuser so much it’s such a complex cycle. I’m absolutely traumatised and I can’t keep hoping for things to get better or change. I’ve done it for my children most of all. I have to be strong. It’s hard being strong. Thank you for writing this. I commend you and wish you happiness xxx

[Sunshines]

I had some time today so I used it on myself doing some of the things I’ve always done. I can’t believe how much I’ve changed the weight the hair I don’t wear make up at all when I wore it every single day. My hair is put up scruffily and I don’t care for the hairdressers I seen this quote on DV page and it is literally describing what happens to us “Today I wore a faded pair of old Jeans and a plain baggy grey T-shirt ……I haven’t taken a shower or put an ounce of make up on. I grabbed a worn out old black oversized jacket … to cover myself with even though it’s warm
Outside I have made conscious decisions lately to look like less of what I felt like a male would want to see. I want to disappear. Sierra D Waters

That quote did it for me it explains how you become so uninterested in how you look it’s like you put on a repellent.

Thank you for all your kind words
I can’t wait for the day I’m back to my old self I absolutely fantasise about the old me. Even walking down the street with a coffee or sitting in a park. Just the feeling of being the old me which I know will take it’s time to get back to

But I’m going to document the journey ! Xxx

[Sunshines]

I think most abusers cheat and lie about it I also think they are incapable of being genuine. They struggle with honesty too put yourself first get rid of him and go somewhere nice spend the rest of your life being happy xx

[Sunshines]

Hi

I feel this I’ve tried and tried so many times to get through and waited for someone anyone to listen. This is why this forum is so much help. After lame attempts of trying to get out I go around and around like a hamster on a wheel.
I can’t believe I try to think I can help and change this man seriously. And yes when you need help it’s like you just want someone to confirm your not going crazy.
I get the abuse switched on me then I think it’s me who’s abusing then I need help to speak to someone and it goes on and on. It’s like you can’t even think straight anymore. So bizarre. If your looking for help I hope you get it and reach out on here too. I find this forum my only and best point of help xxx

[Sunshines]

Thank you also so much 💕💕 replies really help as I was counting on them for clarity xxx

[Sunshines]

Thank you so much I thought it could of been withdrawals I spoke to my DV support worker and she said everyone’s different couldn’t really point it to abuse. My legs feel slightly better and my muscles they were incredibly achy I’ve been trying to take by day doing one positive thing a day.
Thank you so much for the book suggestion il do this. No contact feels completely Alien because even though I ended the relationship I still had contact due to my children but now none at all it’s a confusing mix of emotions but thank you 🙏🏻 so much xxx

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