Swan123

[Swan123]

Hello to you both – thank you so much for your kind words… I have been sitting with the rollercoaster that has ensued. Good days and many not so good days – it is the trauma bond…but with awareness, I’m trying to just notice that without being embroiled. The road ahead is long, but I have noticed how supported I am by friends…that I didn’t actually have the means to really value. People have been generous and kind with their time and offerings to help me provide happiness for the kids and that has been heartwarming on days my heart has wanted to break. It is a new phase as you speak of and one which will just take a whole lot of patience, self kindness and time to tread one foot in front of the other. Even yesterday I was filing out complicated paperwork in relation to all this business, he normally would have done such things…I had a moment of ‘can I even do this?’…but then realised I had been conditioned to think ‘I can’t’.

Thanks for being here to listen to me…xx

[Swan123]

and I have been rather quiet…I hope you are all doing ok. (detail removed by Moderator) I had the courage to talk to the police and he was charged – another step in the right direction. I have been so inspired by listening to others on here. Keep pushing forth for those moments or robust vulnerability where we get some help whatever shape or form that takes. xx

[Swan123]

This is not a ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’ question. Just to say I hear you. I don’t have the answer…but I wanted to send you hugs. I completely understand the ‘screaming back’. Hang in there, hopefully someone will have the answer you need xx

[Swan123]

Thank you @Hawthorn…I really appreciate your kind words…Will work on perhaps that anger I can’t turn outwardly…I turned it on myself which isn’t helpful when I reflect on what you’ve written.

Thanks for taking the time x

[Swan123]

Tears in my eyes because I know you’re right. I put my name down in (detail removed by Moderator) after physical abuse with a solicitor who deals with domestic abuse…I was then told I’m on a waiting list. I chased up in (detail removed by Moderator) after they said they were taking on more staff and heard nothing back…and as things ‘appeared’ to feel better…again I slipped into ‘It’s ok’ mode. I keep doing that, and that’s what annoys me so very much. I’m angry with myself about my handling of the situation as it repeatedly presents. Thank you @kip for taking the time to pen me some wisdom. x

[Swan123]

Thank you so much ladies. This has kept me in reality today. I will contact locally so I feel supported there too. I’m exhausted from feeling all this anxiety.

Be well my friends. Thank you for your support 💕

[Swan123]

I hope indeed that it is my lightbulb moment @kip. I keep having lightbulb moments, but the light keeps fading when he shows a monent of decency. Then again the realisation dawns on me that I live with an abuser, not my significant other, not my partner or my husband, or a ‘best friend’, but an abuser…and it’s a bitter pill I have been swallowing for such a long time, I wasn’t aware I was swallowing it at all. I will contact women’s aid locally. The feeling keeps waving over me that ‘it’s not that bad’ – he hasn’t hurt you lately, it’s all just verbal and emotional, not like some other women have to endure. This is the fog.

[Swan123]

Same place. Sending hugs and support. xx

[Swan123]

Just thought of you…hope you’re doing ok. xx

[Swan123]

@beautifulday – tears in my eyes…because I am ‘with’ all you say. I don’t recognise myself…I too have become irritated and snappy. I am ashamed to say there are numerous ‘holes’ in the walls (that terrible thin plasterboard stuff) because I’ve banged the wall so hard…such has been my own internal anger. It’s only until fairly recently I have pieced together the fact I have felt so trapped for so long…I was just wanting to break down walls, to get out. But alas I’m still here…He is ‘going to therapy’ tomorrow for himself – a gesture that he has never extended until I threatened to leave. I wait with baited breath..the mask will slip off – but at least I can tell my kids I gave him all the chances I could possibly give…I always live in hope…but I am doubtful, and that saddens me to say that. Walking, running, nature are the blessings that have kept me going and breathing… sending hugs to you and thank you for sharing xx

[Swan123]

I am very much in a similar place…though I am hanging onto the belief by the skin of my teeth that people are essentially good…what turns some of them into abusers isn’t for us to energise over…consolidate what energies you have for you…these quiet times are really hard. I wrote a post yesterday screaming that I hate weekends…because I do. I never can tell which way the wind will blow…but since you have some time to yourself – take some moments to catch your own breath, its YOURS… and if you can get some stillness for even a second with your breath – cherish it. We consume our quiet moments with lots of thoughts, and ofcourse permutations, what ifs, should I?… for one moment, give yourself permission to sit and breathe with the gentleness of your breath and the beat of your heart…they won’t judge/ criticise or hurt you… sending hugs xx

[Swan123]

I can’t begin to understand what you must be feeling – my children are still young, but I just wanted to say I’m listening to your upset and wanted to say you are not a ‘S**T of a mother’ – you have done the best you could with every twist and turn at the time. Give your son some time to calm. You’re doing your best xx

[Swan123]

thank you all for talking… I don’t feel alone in that feeling I know. The problem is my work is based at home. He won’t be back to his office for months by the looks of it. I had hoped to go and see my folks at some point but they’re locked down, so another weekend stuck. He is staying out of my way this week – I said I wanted to leave him, so he’s doing everything he can to stop that from happening…including ‘keeping the peace’…but actually its just as uncomfortable – a quiet presence that I’m supposed to be grateful for considering how its been…but all I feel is unease. This is that period, he’s desperate for me to say something to fix it all…I’m not doing it.I have to change the habits…even the smallest ones. Hang in there girls – we will have got through another weekend…we are nearly there…just waiting for Monday morning for someone to ask me on the school run: “nice weekend?’…and I will just say as I always do “Yes thanks…didn’t do much…” xx

[Swan123]

It’s so interesting because I have sat here having my coffee peacefully, as he has gone out just crying and asking internally….”how bad does this have to get?’…Is it not bad enough that the children caught sight of me on the kitchen floor, is it not bad that enough that one of the children said ‘don’t talk to her like that’?… which is why I jumped on here to talk…because I knew someone would have asked a similar question from their depths…

He is in that come down peaceful phase and for the first time going to therapy starting this week. All is not ok with me inside though..because I don’t trust a jot of the amount of commitment he will have to put in to turning the tide. I sit here telling myself ‘just wait…wait till he shows you that even with help he won’t change…then you have permission to get out…you have given him the benefit of the doubt.’ Truth is he has had the benefit of the doubt hundreds of times. Yesterday he sat down with the children and apologised to them for the hurt and pain he causes them…but I ask myself is he now using the children? I have no idea. Questions….squirrels 🙂 I have convinced myself the ‘next time’…when last week I was adamant. I am denying myself the peace I really deserve…and this saddens me.

[Swan123]

Please don’t feel ‘pathetic’ @paintyourowncanvas…I’m a (detail removed by moderator)…being empathetic like we are as @Kip suggested, it can blur those energies and boundaries. Please don’t ever feel bad about saying what is truth…that’s the bit of ‘shame’ you are holding for him. We are all a work in progress. Keep talking, we are here for each other which is what I am quickly learning in here…and I feel so very grateful for that bit of ‘safe’ in my world, mentally and physically.

Sending you warmth and strength x

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