swanlake

[swanlake]

The party is with a local support group so it feels safe.
I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you.
It really does eat away at your self and identity doesn’t it. I’m still discovering who I am, not reacting to the abuse that I experienced and no longer under someone else’s control.
That’s great news about your sibling too, here’s hoping for many future lovely visits.
Also here’s hoping that making decisions and expressing likes will become easier.
At the moment I have a dress code at work, dark clothes, which is unpleasant as I still think of my abuser sometimes when I wear particular colours. My t shirt for the party will be bright with stars on it, I’ve made my decision and we’ll see how I like it when it arrives in the post.

[swanlake]

My abuser has a (detail removed by moderator) and I’d love to tell his (detail removed by moderator) to run to the hills and protect themselves!
Of course everyone is presumed innocent until proven guilty and my abuser doesn’t have a conviction so people might not see the danger through his charm offensive. I’ve moved away from the local area and for all I know he’s still predating people. It’s really rubbish isn’t it.
If you see something concerning on the social media you might feel able to ask the police to do a welfare check, I don’t know if that would help you feel more in control. I’ve done this a couple of times with various neighbours and I hope that the police and social services have a gentle approach not one that riles up the abuser.
I have a few friends in abusive relationships and I often share things to do with abuse on my socials and try to spread the message of love and being an active bystander etc.

[swanlake]

It sounds like you’re having such a difficult time. Do you have support with your mental health for example your GP or 111?
I would sometimes occasionally scream at my abuser and he used to say that I bullied him! In reality it is our abusers twisting the truth and bending our minds, eroding our identity and making us question ourselves.
It’s very difficult to deal with someone who is so cruel, no wonder we end up questioning our sanity and doing strange things like shouting.

[swanlake]

Our brains are strange aren’t they? Sometimes I have flashbacks and nightmares and sometimes I don’t remember much at all. I’m hoping that memories will continue to fade.
Though I have also had counselling and group therapy to try to deal with my experiences especially as I’ve had mental health issues.
Perhaps these feelings come in waves rather like grief there are various stages but not necessarily linear or in a particular time frame x

[swanlake]

Sadly I’ve already told social services several times that I’m unwell and not able to do all the tasks required for my family member and it’s impacting my and my husband’s health. They just continue with their daily requests. That’s familiar to us who have experienced abusive relationships!
(detail removed by moderator)
I contacted an advocacy service to try to find a buffer between us and social services and they just sent a generic information email reply.
I’m grateful that my local carers services are good at emotional support. And I’m grateful that my family member has consented to home care to help with daily things like eating and personal hygiene. I’m hoping that I can lean on them for some more support. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow so I’ll see if they can help me in some way too.
And it’s good to have support here, thank you for replying.

[swanlake]

I still have some financial links to my abuser. Banks etc are aware, they know not to pass on my details to my abuser.
There’s such a lot going on for you so look after yourself very well and continue to post here in this lovely community x

[swanlake]

Thinking of you Stargazing. I’ve also been told many times that I’m the one with the problem, I’m a bully, I don’t communicate properly etc. For a long time I believed it but I realise now that it’s a common tactic used by abusers to make it hard work to know what the truth is.
How would you feel about doing something to try to help your self esteem? My local women’s centre and local mental health charities both have a drop in some mornings for arts, crafts, self defence etc, maybe there is something similar near to you.

[swanlake]

It sounds like such a difficult time for you.
My abuser used substances heavily for decades and I’m surprised that he is still alive. I guess that I was his carer in a way, trying to sympathise with his substance use. I’m not in contact now and I realise that some abusers use substances to numb their feelings and more easily dehumanise people so they can abuse them more.
I wasn’t in much contact with my dad, who was physically and emotionally abusive and he died suddenly many years ago now. It was just strange.
Other people might say about their parents being their best friend, their rock etc and they miss them so much but my dad just wasn’t those things.
I really hope that you have some sensitive treatment from any professionals involved. In my volunteering I try to raise people’s awareness that abuse can occur in carer-cared for relationships. You might feel able to confide in them and hopefully they will support you in looking after yourself.

[swanlake]

Hello
I haven’t been able to read all the details of your post but it sounds like you’re having some hazy memories and wondering what you might do.
I have only a few memories of my parents in childhood and one of them involves feeling terrified of my dad. I don’t remember anything happening that he threatened to do, maybe it did and I just can’t remember it. But I have a vague memory of threats. Maybe it was a regular event, I don’t know. It’s scary isn’t it to not remember clearly but have such a grim vague impression.
I’ve explored this a couple of times in counselling. How might you feel about exploring your own feelings in this way?
Above all I’m so sorry that you’re having such a distressing time.

[swanlake]

Me again!
I also know the feeling of being considered an ATM.
When I inherited some money after a family bereavement, I made the mistake of telling my abuser and my inheritance eventually disappeared buying things for them, mortgage deposit, home improvements, business expenses, and the smaller items like socialising etc. Though of course at the time we think that we are spending money to benefit everyone but it’s really only for the abuser’s benefit.

[swanlake]

I wonder if putting things in someone else’s name or in joint names without their knowledge could be fraud and so a crime.
My abuser managed to change the terms of the mortgage that has my name on it too without my knowledge or consent. So I guess that they could change things again in the future. I contacted the bank and it appears to be within their policies to do what they did so legal for my abuser to do what they did.
Can you believe that until 1975 in Britain a woman needed permission from a man to have a bank account! The law seems to enable abusers still.

[swanlake]

I’ve heard of the financial support line and tried to ring a few times.
I think that I’ll have to return to trying them again after Legal Aid was refused for my case. So I’ll be dealing with my abuser without the help of a solicitor.
The Financial Support Line is run by the charity Surviving Economic Abuse. I hope that they’ll be able to help us, they certainly sound like the right people as places like law centres and citizens advice have not been able to help me.

[swanlake]

I’m a bit late to the topic! But it’s good to talk about economic abuse.
I own a property with my abuser and it’s a really complicated mess with a joint mortgage and my abuser’s CCJs attached to it somehow.
I’ve had some legal advice but haven’t been able to get legal aid. The first solicitor I spoke to was not experienced in domestic abuse and told me that I was just as liable for my abuser’s CCJs and I would end up with no money from the property. They advised me to contact the person directly to negotiate a sale!
But of course my abuser just wants to be cruel to me and I’ve been mentally unwell again since then from just reading words on a screen from this abusive individual.

[swanlake]

As well as counselling and medication I’ve been doing some body work too, hoping that this will contribute to my wellbeing.
Things like gentle cycling and swimming, yoga and tai chi, are hopefully ways of soothing my body and mind that have been through so much.
Even something as simple as painting my nails or applying eyeshadow is a treat for my body, something that was criticised by my abuser for so many years.

[swanlake]

That sounds difficult to think that you could be watched or reported even in an anonymous space like here.
From what I can gather, sites like this one are all anonymous and don’t leave traces on computers. So we can get support without fear.
Take very good care everyone.

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