Tiffany

[Tiffany]

They definitely have a sense of when you are thinking about leaving. And dialing up the niceness is definitely a common tactic. Don’t be swayed by it. It won’t last. If you get moved into the house you will work out all the other logistics. Even if you have to get a taxi to look after the person you help with. Or have them dropped to your house. Also, I know the idea of him stalking you is scary. But it’s less scary than living with him – you are just used to that. If it comes to it is much more that the police can do about him trying to stalk you than the danger living with him. If the situation arises you will be able to deal with it. And you never know, maybe your abuser won’t dare come after you. Mine didn’t. Once he knew I wasn’t going to give him any more money, he stopped trying. After I managed full no contact (there was a period where I had to have limited contact while legal stuff was sorted) he only attempted one guilt tripping text message, and when I blocked him he gave up.

[Tiffany]

Once she said it, it made a lot of sense. And obviously it’s common enough that this woman, who isn’t a domestic abuse specialist recognised it. I am hoping that I can improve it some, although I am finding the breathing exercises she has set me triggering rather than helpful which is tricky. Hopefully we can try another strategy after the next time I see her. Hopefully your counselling will help with the anxiety long term too.

[Tiffany]

I’m doing pretty well too. Haven’t found any decent counseling, but I am seeing someone who does CBT at the moment for a brief intervention because of anxiety. She was really helpful in explaining that what I was experiencing was normal as an ex abuse victim – basically my body has trained to be hyper alert for stress, which means that it affects me, even when it is at really low levels. Given the complete bafflement that the doctor’s had when I tried to explain that I wasn’t very stressed, I just got physical symptoms when faced with even very low levels of stress, that was a relief to hear!

Otherwise everything is pretty good. I’m living with my new partner – who is the first man I have ever met who stays on top of the housework without prompting – such an unbelievable contrast with my past abusive experiences. I started a new job recently which I am really enjoying. And I just signed up to try and walk 1000 miles this year.

Still have the health stuff and various legacies of the abuse, but like you I am much happier than I was.

Onwards and Upwards! It’s amazing how much more possible that feels now I am truly free.

[Tiffany]

It’s a lot to deal with, when your entire file us involved, isn’t it? I don’t really have any advice about dealing with the family Christmas dynamic. I think they are always hard, even with normal families. Mine aren’t abusive, but this year I wasn’t staying in the house with them for Christmas, because I only live a few miles down the road. I spent most of the day with them still, but took a break at mid afternoon to take the dog home before my cousin’s came round, and those few hours of calm, away from the family were just such a relief. I had no idea, until I had some time away from it, how stress the atmosphere created by my parents and siblings was. I guess that focusing on the peace and tranquility of your Christmases now might help a bit?

It might help just to get rid of the top? Some things were a wrench, but I have got rid of everything that triggers me, even items I previously loved. It was just easier for me that way.

I would also highly recommend setting out on a mission this year to find a place to go out and eat where you feel welcome and warm when eating by yourself. I usually take a book, but weirdly the best place I ever found was not a quiet pub with cosy corners, but a busy burger joint, which was Uber modern with lots of glass and chrome! Not my normal vibe at all, but the staff were excellent, chatting a bit more to me than they would to a couple, but not enough that it felt awkward being alone. And as a bonus the food was excellent. I don’t live near it any more, but go back when I am in town. You can definitely have a feeling of belonging in a restaurant without going with other people. You just need to find somewhere with a good ethos about people eating alone, and well trained staff.

[Tiffany]

I’m glad you have found some good counselling Jane. I hope you find it helpful long term. I imagine that the early stages will be hard, but if she has the experience, I imagine it will be beneficial long term.

I’m glad to hear you are still working away on your recovery. Hope things are going well for you in the rest of your life.

[Tiffany]

This sounds very like my abuser. He had a temper and alternately blamed me and his mental health problems for setting it off. When he finally went to therapy, he used what he claimed his therapist had told him to manipulate me worse than before. Therapy basically gave him more sophisticated tools for control, mental abuse and gas lighting. And the physical, sexual and financial abuse continued.

Fortunately this opened my eyes to the fact that he had no intention of changing his behaviour towards me. I left a few months after he started therapy. My only regret is that I didn’t leave sooner.

[Tiffany]

Sounds like a real turning point. I was angry for a long time, and then I wasn’t. Recovery is definitely a bit of a rollercoaster ride, and there are likely to be a few unexpected bumps lying in wait. But for me, I think once stopped being angry then I was mostly just reacting to triggers that reminded me of the abuse, rather than full on processing all the time. Hopefully this will hold true for you too. Enjoy the peace for now. But don’t worry if you get triggered and you feel like it has set you back. It will only be temporary, and unlike getting through the sad, questioning and angry phases, dealing with triggers don’t dominate your life in the same way.

[Tiffany]

I felt like that when I was with my abuser. It was only after I left that I realised that I had things the wrong way round. I thought my worsening disability and mental health issues were the reason he was abusive – because he couldn’t cope with the stress of it. Turns out that the reason I had worsening physical and mental health was because of the abuse. I will admit that leaving hasn’t entirely fixed this. I am still disabled, and the years of abuse have affected my mental health too. But the downward spiral, which had been going on for years, bottomed out not long after leaving him and I have gradually been making progress to improve things ever since.

The impact abuse has on mental health is massive, but it’s important not to underestimate the physical impact it has too. I developed a secondary physical condition alongside my primary disability after a couple of years of abuse. It was absolutely crippling, and severely impacted on every aspect of my life. I experienced symptoms for about 90% of each day. It is now down to 5-10 minutes on a bad day. The rest of the time (and the bad days are max two or three a month). And that’s it.

I understand that leaving can seem impossible when you are disabled, but honestly, it’s easier to be disabled and single, than disabled with a partner who is abusive. They will always make your symptoms worse. Getting away is going to be the single biggest thing you can do to improve your health. It’s absolutely not your fault, what has happened (neither the abuse, nor the disability are in your control). But you can choose how you react. You have worth and deserve what is right for you.

[Tiffany]

You could also talk to your GP. An appointment with them should be a safe space away from your abuser, and they should be able to help you. At the very least it’s evidence logged of what is happening, but they should be able to offer practical support too. Ask for a double appointment, as opening up in real life is hard, and you don’t want to feel rushed.

[Tiffany]

I think this must be fairly common. I didn’t have kids with my ex, but there was a fairly long time where I worked from home, and he expected me to do most of the housework, because I was at home. This felt a little unfair, even at the time, because I was working, not just at home doing nothing, but as I had no commute and his added up over a week, I figured it was reasonable that I did a bit more. Then I got a new job, with more hours and a commute double the length of his. And somehow I was still expected to do the lion’s share of the housework, and when I couldn’t cope, it was because the job was too much for me, not because his expectations were unreasonable. He refused to consider moving closer to my job, even though it wouldn’t lengthen his commute. He refused to do more chores. He just worked a steady campaign to get me to quit my job. In retrospect, this is because the job gave me the confidence and self respect to get out of the relationship…

He also took money from me throughout the course of my relationship, despite earning around (detail removed by moderator), telling me that he had given the money he earned to his family, who weren’t that well off. I found out in the last few weeks of the relationship that he had also been begging money from his family, telling them that I was struggling financially, and that he was supporting me.

They have absolutely no moral compass, and are just out to get the best they can for themselves, and only themselves. Keep guarding that escape pot. Once you are out you will be in a much better financial situation. I hope that you will find that your years bringing up the kids will entitle you to a better divorce settlement than you are expecting. But even if it doesn’t, abusers are expensive to keep and it is much easier to budget without them.

[Tiffany]

Realistically he is not going to change, and he is not going to leave. Focus your boundary keeping on the really important stuff (not letting him coerce you into having sex when you don’t want to, making sure he isn’t increasing his surveillance of you) and let the rest slide. I think it’s maybe KIP who has the fabulous phrase “arguing with an abuser is like playing chess with a pigeon, even when they lose they just overturn the board and strut around as though they won”. It’s exhausting, and gets you nowhere. If he’s mad because you packed the groceries in the wrong way just apologise and repack. He’s being insane of course, but keeping the peace takes less energy. Then, and this is the key part of the plan use that energy to work out how you get out of the situation permanently. There are various options: you work, so you might be able to scrape together a deposit and just move 9ut. Or you might be able to get council housing. Then there is the option of refuge. It might even be possible to force your partner to leave the house. The last is probably the most dangerous, as you will not be safely gone when he finds out that you are leaving him, but with various legal safeguards and possibly staying with friends or family when he is evicted it is possible. Whichever you decide to pursue, don’t let him get wind of it until you are safely away from him, of at all possible. It makes you feel guilty, but it keeps you safe.

I know the feeling of hoping that he will leave, or do something so awful that we feel we have no choice but to leave him. But realistically, he has already done many things that are bad enough to warrant leaving. He’s just gradually desensitised you to them, so you barely notice any more.

[Tiffany]

It’s definitely not you! Honestly, I am reading through and trying to work out what on earth you think you can have done wrong? You went to work when he doesn’t like being alone? I am sure if he really had such an issue with being alone he could have spent the day with friends? It’s definitely not unreasonable to have to work, and we do sometimes end up doing odd hours over Christmas. That is definitely not your fault.

You asked him to help making Christmas dinner… Again, nothing unreasonable in that! Well, really he should do it without being asked, but that’s him being unreasonable, not you!

He went out, and you didn’t stay up until he got home. So what? (Apart from that he has both massive double standards: he gets to be upset at being alone because you are at work, and also to go out and leave you for long periods of time). Frankly it is healthy not to be always in your partner’s company, but if he is going on lads nights out he can’t be cross at you for going to work! And you should be able to go to bed whenever you like.

It is also perfectly reasonable to want a bit of quiet once you are in bed, as well as a bit of personal space. I am in a new relationship (post abuse) and there are days when I am really triggered by memories of things my abuser did, and don’t want to be touched at all. On these days my boyfriend doesn’t touch me. There are also ways in which I don’t like being touched because of the memories it brings up. He doesn’t touch me like that. It’s just basic respect for the other person’s body! You don’t get to touch other people u less they want you to. If they say stop you stop. Regardless of what you might want. Again, it is him in the wrong, not you.

Oh, and someone may or may not have texted you late at night. It’s not like you have control over when people text you! Also my phone makes any number of sounds that sound like text alerts but are actually because it has reconnected to the WiFi, or updated something. I have turned as many of them off as possible, but I inevitably miss some of them. This is an utterly insane thing to get annoyed at your partner for.

You are stuck in the fog of abuse right now and not seeing clearly. Try to keep your focus on what he does and says. Keep it factual. Don’t get caught in analysing what you have done. You are trying your hardest to be a good and understanding partner. He is trying to make it impossible for you to believe that. But you are. You are doing nothing wrong, while he is intentionally being unkind and difficult. Don’t let him shift the focus onto your behaviour. It’s fine. Keep looking at what he is doing and saying. It’s not ok.

[Tiffany]

“He was controlling” is a good line if you don’t want to go into details, but also don’t want to lie. It’s not full and gory details, but it is enough that they understand a bit and can be supportive. It also doesn’t really invite further questions. I was engaged to my abuser, and moved back to my my hometown when we split. There’s a pretty strong community around here, which I like but a lot of well meaning people asked me about my abuser and our wedding plans. “He was controlling so I left him” was the best response I came up with to respond to then. It also has the bonus that no one will try and persuade you to work on things with him, or that you were just incompatible or anything.

[Tiffany]

He knows that you are unhappy enough to leave, and is ramping up all kinds of abuse to keep you confused so that you don’t take any action. It sounds like things are escalating pretty badly. Blatant sexual harassment, a lot of gas lighting, and probably a lot more besides. Can you start formulating a plan to leave?

Keep reminding yourself that his behaviour is not.normal or acceptable. Keep your focus on his actions, and your plans. Don’t let him draw you into analysing if you are the problem. You are not the problem. He is the problem. The solution is to get away from him. It’s hard, but you can do it.

[Tiffany]

Pretty normal for the first couple of years I would say. It’s partly just missing what was normal for Christmas, partly mourning the future you thought you would have. Christmas definitely feels strange after abuse. I was out a solid number of months before my first Christmas without him, and I knew I didn’t miss him, because I was well into processing the horrors, but he definitely intruded into my mind for the first few years. This is probably the first one where he hasn’t been at the forefront for me. I also get heightened anxiety around Christmas. Again, as a legacy of the abuse.

Hang on to the good bits. Reading a book is a lovely step forward. Mine this year was to go for a bath in the middle of Christmas day, because there was nothing I needed to do, and I felt like it! I can’t imagine having the courage to do that a few years ago!

[Author]

Posts