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Sorry not much advice but just to say well done for getting this far and you can do it. Take 1 day at a time or even 1 hour. I listened to a podcast about abuse recovery and getting through it all and dont overwhelm yourself with too much future worries as it can be just too much. I feel like that. We are here and will try and help. But uyou are super strong and almost free xx

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My friends are despairing as i was so close but they dont understand it all. My family just think we have a bad relationship and say it be hard to leave during covid and just wait. So that doesnt help. So confused, am i just looking for excuses? Worried i’ll be lonely xx

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Thanks KIP. Yeah that’s exactly it, feel im not heard and have to be with him. I could afford deposit for rent. Yes spoken to solicitor. Got it all in place just need to action it. Hard when he is being so nice. But noticed he is following me around house and keeps commenting on how gorgeous i look and how he wants to have sex. Just weird as he hasnt taken an interest in me like that for years. I will call local womens aid tomorrow good idea. Was in touch with them before when i went. But the woman i last spoke to said we should have couples counselling, it made me doubt myself. All cos i said i was confused as he was acting nicely now i said id leave. Thanks KIP, keep you posted. Knowledge is indeed power x

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Yay well done! That is amazing! You should feel so proud.
Mine did that, boo hoo im sad. And im still here and shouldnt have listened! Mine saw a counsellor years ago and it made him more angry! He will try get help and it wont last. Im here years later. You are doing the right thing. I need to do it too xx

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I just keep going round and round in circles in my head. Oh he is nice now and has been ‘nice’ since i said id stay. Am i breaking up family being selfish? Arghhh xx

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Thanks KIP. I just dont know how this can ever end, i have searched for properties to rent and neither could afford that with our house too. Just doesnt seem possible. I just want to be free now but cant, not sure if i ever will be x

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Hey ISO Peace, not sure if you read my last post, but ive had the shouting and aggression and smear campaign threat, then to serious suicide threat then i stupidly got lured back in as i was frightened he was going to do something stupid and now we are on extreme love bombing! I am so confused by ultimately feel sick to my stomach as he changed from one thing to next like you said walking on sunshine.

I hope this helps. I am just stringing this out but i have no where to go and he wont leave. Be careful as they can turn violent it is very dangerous at this stage. I made mistake of trying to talk to him like normal person and he just manipulates through acting nice as im susceptible to that sort of behaviour.

Keep in touch, we can do it xx

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He is fine today as i said ok fine i will try again just due to the pressure he was putting me under. Just constant pressure. But i cant wait to be free xx

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Thanks ladies! Yes, KIP he is all fine now, cracking open wine as im having a drink and he is all smiles trying to join in. I must remember is all an act. Got so far now. Years ago i had no idea it was abuse, just felt something wasnt right. KiP you have been there for me for years. Im almost free. Shall i leave? He wont go. But where do i go? Xx

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Thank you so much maddog! Just got constant anxiety! He is being all smiles and making lunch today as i gave in and said id try as was worried about his suicide. He is self isolating and here (detail removed by moderator) and need to fill out solicitor forms. Domestic abuse team 101 sounds great i will try call as he is out back.

I just want to be free. Feel held hostage here. Will keep posting until he is gone or most likely we are free. Thanks x

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Thank you lovely ladies. Just done another post think it is going through modifier. This really helped, yes regularly read Lundy Bancroft to remind myself! Niceness definitely an act, (detail removed by moderator) huge act of threatening suicide. I didnt feel a thing, can tell it is an act. I am almost there got solicitor call this week. He wont leave. I am not sure what to do xx

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You are doing great! Freedom! Small steps. Think one day ahead thats what i am trying. You can do it, you already are! Xx

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Hi Swan123, ah must be something in the air in exact same position! You can do it, we can do it! We are being enlightened. Im speaking with solicitor (detail removed by moderator). He will not leave. You are certainly not alone, we are all in this together i promise. Let us know how you get on xx

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Just wanted to say i know how you feel and this has held me back for years. The more you read, the more you learn, KIP taught me that! I am almost out, i just kept thinking this is just not how i want to live, yes family be split up and it kills me but this is his fault. Also these men think they want custody but i bet you do almost 100% of the child caring. He wants you to do the hard work and he gets to do the easy bit, least that is how mine works. Just think, you are doing this for her, you want her to see and know her mummy as a happy one. You will be ok, im here and in the same situation with 2 kids. Sending strength and hugs x

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Thanks KIP. Im almost there, has taken years. I keep just being pushed back. He is being lovely and keeps saying we can be really happy and saying we can go away like i want to. Just makes me think im wrong, he isnt abusive he is just stressed. But then i think no ive been here before. He will be ‘nice’ for a few months and it will change. Keeps guilting me. Ive not been treating him well, seeking affection elsewhere

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Read this in another post and this is what happened: The second phase is when the abuser starts telling her his sob story. This is when he profess his undying love, minimize the abuse and blame his behavior on depression/anxiety/stress/bad childhood etc…This is the phase when the woman starts feeling sorry for him. This is when he reminds her of the good times in the relationship and how it could be that way again.

He made me read a list of his OCD traits, i remember him writing it when he saw a doctor, about 4 pages of things that stress him out. Made me feel sorry for him, he said he isnt nasty to me it is his illness. So i doubt myself and think maybe it is just that, he acknowledged he berates me and is angry a lot because he is stressed.

So confused, am willing to try again because of not wanting to have kids without their dad. Even my parent said try make it work, think of the effect on kids with having divorced parents. He is really trying and helps a lot with kids when before i did all childcare. He does moan if he has to do dinner, he did say sorry next day for moaning.

Ahh sorry go round in circles in my head justifying everything. Ive written down his abuse in past year so i can remind myself. He hasnt done anything major since (detail removed by Moderator) which i consider very good. So think he has changed. Friends despairing of me as i was there, finally told him over after many attempts and now im willing to try. He did grab my phone off me and read all messages even though i said give it back as he said he wanted to see if i was messaging that guy. He found messages between friends saying ive been miserable for years and screenshots of messages (detail removed by Moderator) years ago when abuse was rife and talking about leaving then.

Just after any similar stories, do they turn good or have i got this wrong and he is a good man? Maybe i have it wrong and he has illness and im just not sympathetic. Has he changed and can we make it work? Breaking up family and doing it alone seems so scary. Thank you for reading x

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How is it going? Hoping you are doing well. Looking for some inspiration! Want to go to my parents but they live far away and my child is in school and dont want to disrupt her right now xx

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Yeah this is it, he has over time made small changes but still comes back to being critical and just non helpful with the kids. I just keep thinking dont abusers discard you, he hasnt so maybe its me?!
Anyway yes it was going that way with my friend and im so vulnerable, i shouldnt be pinning hopes on him to save me.
Thank you so much, so hard to keep talking to friends who can only hear me say i want to leave so many times. Feel desperate! Just want him to say he will go. Xx

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Yes i had been journalling and stopped for some reason, when i asked break up first time and he started acting better. But i must keep on as there are patterns. Yes! Always feel like that, then if he is happy and im not he is all upset! But he hasnt had these mood swings since ive had conversation to break up. Must keep reading! Thank you xxx

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Thanks Hetty, it is so hard. Takes such a long time to detach, people dont understand.
Well done for getting out and following your gut!
He is trying really hard and is being so lovely, helping out and making me tea and food, bringing home gifts. Perhaps he has changed? He has never been like this before.
Yes i must be careful, i feel bereft which is confusing me more, he isnt messaging me as he doesn’t want to speak to me while im in same house still as we were developing feelings. But going from messages and chats every day about everything to nothing has made me so sad. I am so vulnerable you are right, i need to learn to live alone and love me. This is how i got in this mess. Thank you xx

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Thanks iliketea, me too!
Ah really? Couple friends said oh wish my ex had fought for me, that is true love etc. Makes me doubt myself. He was suicidal when i told him it was over (detail removed by moderator) And he begged me to ‘try again’ ill be super nice, ill be such a good husband you wont want to leave. Sorry ive been horrible all these years, etc.
Oh wow, so nice to know there are kind people out there! I dont know, i guess because he hasnt physically abused me i dont feel im that on danger.
Yeah the other guy can wait, i probably dont need it right now, i need to keep my mental strength. And yes, you’re right i need to do this myself! He just sparked in me that i could like another man and probably be treated a lot better. Oh no sorry to hear about your friend, that is awful. Just when you need someone!
I can listen to some audio books right now 🙂 i love Lundy Bancroft, i always go back to it just to reaffirm things. I very often feel like ive made this all up in my head and he isnt abusive and perhaps im just never satisfied etc.
He has been physically abusive in past, (detail removed by moderator), nothing since. Grabbed me, pushed me and dragged me onto a bed. That is when i left years ago. Now it is just mental, constant criticism. U till i told him i wanted him to leave.
Then suddenly he is model husband and dad!
Anyway thank you, i literally go round in circles in my head, it is driving me mad! Will stick to my guns and be free! Thank you for your support.
Glad you got out! I bet life is SO GOOD! You deserve it! Love xx

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Thanks Hetty! Yeah i was thinking of another route and it is all temporary. Just one day at a time. So hard he is being so nice and attentive and im thinking is it me? Am i the mean one? Maybe he has changed? Xx

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Yes we will. He is being perfect at the moment but waiting for the bad bit. Yeah really is one hour at a time or is too overwhelming. Getting there, having different ideas about how to work out finances and living situation. Thanks as always x

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Thanks KIP. One day at a time x

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Thanks Hetty, this is good. I feel guilty about pretending to be normal when i know i dont want to be here but this isnt a normal break up. So have to get everything ready in background. Oh god i know, love the house probably more than me. I guess i’ll have to be the one to go. Must be brave xx

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This is great advice for me too, thank you. He really says he has changed…in a few days! I am such a sucker but not this time xx

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Thank you 🙂 yes some fantastic advice. I keep talking to friends as well, just found out two were in similar situation in past and had no idea. It makes me feel very vulnerable but i am feeling stronger each day.

Yes think you are right. We cant split like normal folk unfortunately…i just get talked bavk into it. (detail removed by Moderator) times now in past month ive politely asked him to go, said i need space, not working, it is over. He wont accept it and begs me to try for our marriage and kids. I clearly have no voice. My friend described it perfectly: he makes uni lateral decisions for you…yes! Ive always been a people pleaser and this is my time to grow. I have to think what do i want? I usually say i dont know but in actual fact i do, om just scared of going through with it.
He has made me so anxious and worn out that i am worried i cant cope with kids on my own but i am sure i can. He doesnt help much anyway.

Let me know what you do ISOpeace. I will keep you posted. I just feel stuck and tired and sick. Much love too xxx

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Thanks so much KIP, you have been on this journey with me for a long time, i remember you from before and you have helped me all this way. I had no idea i could look into housing as a victim. I feel stuck as he wont go and just manipulates me more but i know it is the right thing to do for me and kids sake.
Yep it is odd, he can tell i dont love him but he continues to love bomb and wont give me space. I keep thinking i can ask him to leave like a normal person and then remember no, he wont just go! Just stuck. But will take small steps, will ring womens aid tomorrow. I spoke to solicitor she was very supportive and gave me options for housing, feel empowered. Just need to do it.

Xx

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Haha that’s exactly it, just absolute masters of manipulation and great actors!

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Sorry just seen this! I was frantically scrolling through when i had time.
I am right where you are. Just keep reading and talking on here or to friends. I just keep talking and thinking. It is an act, how long can they keep it up?
Did you go see him? Im very much same as you, feel sorry for him, want it all to work. Well as all us ladies are, we just want a happy life and are true optimists. BUT if you have broken free just stick with it. You are doing so well. The no anxiety, just doing what you want to do. Bliss.

He is being upbeat and attentive and helping with the kids etc but i just know it wont last.

Stay in touch, hope you are ok? I just dont know how to get out. Xx

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