Tuppance

[Tuppance]

Thankyou everyone for making me feel welcome to come back and I cannot tell you what a difference it has made to me to read your replies.

I do feel guilty, to blame, am scared but I know I have done the right thing deep down.

thankyou again x

[Tuppance]

Hi
I agree with Imagine. Yes, I do end up shouting at times, through sheer frustration and the kids have no respect for me as I think they picked it up from their dad but I always apologise if necessary, explain and follow through with any enforcements. Yes, it will take time but I want my kids to know thY consequences are a reality and. That I am stronger now. Consistency is the key. Xxx

[Tuppance]

Thankyou.
I think the last few weeks have been the toughest, where his behaviour hadn’t been that bad but still on occasion and I reflect on the good times. I have done a lot of grieving, self hating and guilt tripping over my decision but a couple of things really hit home lately. One was an inspirational quote online which said that ‘
A good father does not abuse his children’s mother. A mans abuse of a mother proves in itself that he is not thinking or caring adequately about what is good for the children’. Then i saw ‘ after someone hurts you, you are not the same anymore’ and finally ‘ stay away from people who do not take responsibility for their actions and who make you feel bad for being angry at them for what they have done to you’. I found these and others similar quite empowering and have them as photos on my phone I look at often. Then the other day I saw a long ago friend and we had a catch up and we have been on such similar life journeys so far, it was incredible and she said to me ‘ you have to stop worrying about what you think other people will say or do’ you have no control at all in this and it zaps valuable energy whilst you are in survival mode. People will think/say/do what they want and you can’t control that. Let it go – what will be, will be.
So, I am feeling less inclined to do all the things I was going to offer him and what I really want to say is ‘ the hurt you caused me, how you dealt with my unhappiness and continued behaviour towards myself and others has changed everything’. I have grieved, cried, worried and searched for answers. YOU did this and I continued to put you and the kids first. I have never bad mouthed you to any of our friends or family, I have defended you when there really was no defence. I have considered your feelings before my own, it is time for me now to heal and to do what I believe is right. I have done all that I have done ( setting up new home secretly ) to make it easier for the kids and to allow you to remain in our house amongst our friends. I want nothing more, right now, than my freedom to be the best person I can be. I am not taking the children away from you, I am giving them a second home of peace and calm amongst a community in which they will be able to play with their school friends. We will share the parenting of our children. The children have their own voices and I am happy for them to stay with either of us whenever they want. I shall be moving out on xxx. If you cannot deal with this fairly for the children I will go now with them and will explain to them what is happening. – just reading this it seems I am still saying too much. Damn that man for breaking me.

[Tuppance]

Thankyou for replying – I apologise for my delayed gratitude.
I have booked some Reiki to help with the anxiety. I am
Told it’s really good.
Xx

[Tuppance]

Oh my gosh Bridget JIF. How on earth are you coping? Can you not get into a refuge ?? I am sending you my biggest wishes for you that you remain safe until you can get out. Xx

[Tuppance]

Hello abc, I think of you often, being one step ahead of me in your quest for a better life. Your husband and mine seem so similar – you could be writing about him. Mine completely devalues the hurt and pain he has caused too. I am going to write a journal from my first day of freedom to help me cleanse and process. Just keep reaffirming your love to the kids and although I would do the same thing in updating my husband with their achievements to be fair and to be seen by everyone that you are being mature and kind, reading it in black and white I wonder if your husband thinks you still have feelings for him if you do this? That’s what I think mine would think even though I a. Doing it just to be nice. It’s just a thought. Keep strong – you are doing so very well and everyday is a day in the right direction xx

[Tuppance]

I too suffer with anxiety and have had attacks normally when it is loud and busy and lots of people or something happens that I wasn’t expecting and I can’t process it to sort it out. It is hard with the kids but if I can I take 10 and go and lie on my bed. I turn all noises off and hug my favourite pillow. I would take it everywhere if I could. I also get fresh air – normally it means I go out in my car and drive a circular loop in peace with the windows
Open blasting me with fresh air. I too tend to hermityself and withdraw. What I really want is a big strong safe compassionate
Man ( friend / relative ) to hug me and tell me it’s all ok. So – that’s where my pillow comes in. It’s hard to explain anxiety to other people as, like
You said, externally we often don’t look like we are suffering xxx

[Tuppance]

Thank you KIP. I just don’t like hurting people – even those that have hurt me. I see the good in everyone, I believe in the power of kindness. All of this, together with my lack of backbone and fear of confrontation makes it hard for me to upset people. I will think hard on what you have said. At least I don’t feel guilty anymore – I think that was a hard emotion to / feeling to conquer . Xxx

[Tuppance]

Dear Iwillsurvive
It reads as though you are just one step ahead of me on your journey of new freedom. I am very nearly out.
I can relate totally to the new relationship you want to form with you ex and your desires for him to have a better parental relationship with your children – that is something I want and have told my husband. I want to have a positive co parenting relationship and I want my husband to accept his wrong doing and change to how he used to be. I want him to find love again and be with someone – just not me. I don’t think they realise, just because we have left for the better life we wish for ourselves and our kids, that we too have to grieve the end of our marriage, grieve the loss of the man we fell in love with, come to terms with the fact that this man who promised to love us , in the midst of love , hurt us so very deeply. Just because we choose to leave doesn’t make it easier. I wish you luck and sending you a hug as you continue to Sallie forth. You have done a wonderful thing for all your family, and you. Take comfort knowing how caringly and compassionately you are dealing with it all, him too. Your ideals match mine – in time, with patience and constancy, we will get there and the children will remember your dedication to encouraging and supporting your husbands relationship with them. Well donex

[Tuppance]

Thankyou so much for replying. Part of the problem is that it was my dad that actually told me it would damage my relationship with my kids if I ruined their Christmas and he and my mum and brother are the main support structure I have. I am going to speak to my mum tomorrow and see if she knows what my dad said and if she agrees ( they don’t often !) all
Of you will know the fragility I feel regarding my children disowning me / being hurt and I am a natural people pleaser – that’s why I have stayed for so long. Tonight my boy is behaving like his dad – his dad has been away 2 nights ( heaven !) but his dad is home tonight and my boy is blanking me and engaging with his dad. I think he is playing games. I must be strong and fight this need for constant affection / validation from my children. One day they will leave. On another day they may disagree with something I have said and cut me off – I think I am trying to pre-empt every move in the future . I have to be realistic Thankyou all xxxxx

[Tuppance]

I used to love my music but again, like you both, I find the words upsetting. Normally I prefer just peace and quiet – my tolerance of noise is really low. Someone popped a bag of crisps near me the other day and I nearly hit the ceiling. It really upset me – made me feel silly x

[Tuppance]

Thankyou strong soul. I agree. I know what I need to do but it is still so scary. I don’t think he can help himself – really I don’t x

[Tuppance]

Thankyou both. I am just going to keep things light and pleasant with my ‘friend’ so that no one (she) can say I am ignoring her or being rude. I do not need that negativity.
My plans continue and I feel motivated by what you said , KIP, that the making of the decision created huge anxiety but once decision made it was a lot better. I have a couple of really hard ones to make ( well hard for me ). I think I will put them to you all to see what you think . Thankyou again – your support means so much xx

[Tuppance]

Thankyou ayanna. I just do not know anymore when I am normal or not to be honest. I had lunch today with a ‘friend’ at her insistence as she wanted to help me. This is the same friend who sent me into the worst anxiety attack of my life when she told me I was calculating and she didn’t agree with what I am doing. Today she started by saying she was worried for me and I started to open up a bit ( I have refrained since the last episode ) and we ended with her telling me she still didn’t agree with my actions and that her husband thinks I. Am trying to send HIM mad by being miserable so he will just walk out so I get to keep the house and that she feels sorry him and wants to give him a hug. Absolutely floored again. Why is it so hard to fight for what’s right ?

[Tuppance]

Thankyou for replying. It was my husband who said in his opinion I couldn’t cope with the kids and that is why I haven’t pushed the separation. He said that he will help me but that makes me angry and upset because he did this to me. He asked why I am so miserable ‘ I thought your tablets would help’ he said. I am trying but I have so much resentment and confusion and I am so bloody scared that if I lose my kids then I won’t be able to cope. How do you live without your babies? What purpose have I then? It will only be my love for my parents and brother that will stop me ending it all – I know that and that is scary too. I don’t trust myself to be able to find the strength to cope. How do you do it? He said we need a resolve but he always starts these conversations after he has been drinking and the kids are about. He said when I decide to tell him what I want then I am not allowed to write to him, send him an email or ‘book’ a chat with him. So what do I do? He said he will be angry if he gets a solicitors letter. He caused all of this and I feel like I am the bad person. He swore at me when I was struggling with my speech and trying to explain how the anxiety is affecting me. ‘ you can ‘f’ that ‘s**t’ in right now he shouted at me then he went off and left me to deal with our eldest who said it was my fault as I wasn’t talking. I can’t bear it. Truly I am not a bad person – I don’t think I have deserved this.

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