Wits End

[Wits End]

Thank you brokenputty for your support xx

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brokenputty, thank you so much. I’ve swung back the other way at the moment. I’m enjoying my freedom immensely, but I’m not one to just ditch someone no matter how cruel they are to me, it’s not in my nature. I’ve been reading Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That? which someone kindly recommended on the forums, and I’m even more confused, because he ticks all the boxes for an abuser, financially, emotionally, and physically, but I suppose it’s this trauma bond thing and I can’t detach myself from it, and I feel so stupid, because I should know better.

I so wish I could find a support group, as the book says, it needs to be an abuser group where I can look at why I can’t detach myself, and why I feel such a massive failure within myself. It just seems there is no help out there. The police were not supportive to me on the whole, victim support only made contact weeks after the last police involvement and by which time there were plans in place for his return, and I’m sure they all think it’s me, except for one outstanding officer, who dealt with my husband back in (detail removed by moderator) time, he is the only one who had a complete grasp of the situation, and by the time I plucked up the courage to ask for police assistance again, (detail removed by moderator) he had moved from the DV team and had been promoted to elsewhere. That man was worth his weight in gold, he understood, whereas no one else has. And sadly, when I was last physically assaulted last year, and threatened with that he would kill me and then kill himself, and imprisoned for 8 hours by him, a young girl dealt with it in the DV police team, and she clearly didn’t really have a clue, and wasn’t that interested.

I have always said my entire working life and beyond, that DV shouldn’t be dealt with by the police, they do not and never will understand it. It needs to be dealt with by specialist trained teams who are separate from the police, who have officers from a multitude of helping backgrounds, including survivors, who can provide emergency input, and these officers should be given the same rights as police officers so as to be able to issue immediate ASBOs and restraining orders, and then the abuser can apply to the civil or mags court if they wish to appeal either of those, on the basis that they will be liable for costs if the order of ASBO is upheld, and to pay the victim compensation. That way the police are alleviated of the initial emergency, unless it is so serious, that the police need to be involved in any event, and the courts wouldn’t be so clogged up initially, but it would buy time for the victim, as if the abuser appeals, then the court would become involved and would have to provide directions for statements etc which then buys more time, and enforces separation for that duration.

My problem was my brain just wasn’t in gear, I was traumatized, and the only thing I could think about over the ensuing weeks, was why me, why threaten to hurt me, why physically assault me, and what he might go on to do. Upon immediate release from the police station, he started contacting me, and after 24 hours it became unbearable so I caved in.

If the police had actually come to see me, and told me they had placed him on police bail with conditions of not contact me etc and said to me look, we think he might well try this or that, I would have listened, but they offered no support whatsoever, to simply email or text a victim and say he’s been put on police bail isn’t enough in my view, but that’s what happened with me, and if they are reading this, then I would like them to ask themselves, what if they themselves were attacked by someone whom you had hoped loved you and cared for you? What would they do? because it’s harder to deal with in some ways when you are involved in the professions connected to domestic abuse.

It is said that a lot of police officers abuse their partners but what happens, is it swept under the carpet, because it’s rarely talked about? I almost feel the same, I shouldn’t have opened up, it’s taken me (detail removed by moderator) years + after several abusive relationships with different partners, and now I feel dreadful, because I used to work with someone whom we all suspected was being physically abused by her partner, (detail removed by moderator)

Thank you for your support brokenputty xx

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Hi maddog

thank you for your kindness. I’m okay thanks so please do not worry, he is now away for a fortnight so I have some breathing space. I’ll probably end up letting him back in when he returns, but sadly, I know he’s incapable of change and that’s what hurts the most. He’s a clever man, he could have a very bright future, but he’s incapable of love, nor seeing beyond his own self obsessiveness. I mean, honestly, he text me from airport tonight to say he’d arrived but could I please give the taxi man some money as he was short. That was it. Nothing to say I love you or I will miss you or anything like that, just that he hadn’t been bothered to arm himself with enough cash and as per usual, wants me to find money for him. This is the sort of person he is, he wants to bleed me absolutely dry financially and he’s virtually achieved it. He wants to take sole control of everything, and all I’ll have left for now is my assets, until he’s got a grip on those as well. I know he assumes he is going to inherit and sometimes I honestly wonder if he’s trying to kill me with stressing me out day after day, so that he will get my assets, and that’s the only reason I’m staying strong, because I don’t want that, and I know I need to be strong, but it’s so hard without any support, and I just don’t have anyone and no one has offered me anything with the police, they don’t like him, they have told me they don’t like him, but I know they are annoyed I took him back, and so they just think I’m wasting their time.

In fact, in July last year I called them on 999 and they didn’t even come, so 3 hours later I ended up unlocking the door so he could come back in. I asked them why they didn’t attend, and they said the call wasn’t made. So I sent them a screen shot of the call and the duration and the fact that the operator kept asking was I there, but I couldn’t answer because he was blocking my exit from the room and if he had seen I’d made the call, he would have done the usual and taken the phone off me. But they have my number anyway, and they should have been able to trace the call.

They then said that the call connected but it didn’t connect for long, so I referred them to the duration of the call shown on the screen shot. Then they said 999 calls are handled by BT and not them, and that BT only hold records for 3 months and they are then destroyed. So I said, well how come we are conversing about this after only 2 months, and I can’t get a straight answer from you, so the record should still be held, and what if this had been a murder case, are you seriously telling me you would only be holding records for 3 months? I then spoke to a friend who used to be in another force, and he told me that all call logs are held for 10 years! It beggars belief with the (detail removed by moderator)police, they are beyond useless and they are not interested in domestic violence issues at all.

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Thanks KIP. I am aware that he is entitled to re-enter, and there has been police involvement 4 or 5 times, and they don’t like him, but I also feel they let me down very badly in (detail removed by Moderator). They promised me back in (detail removed by Moderator) that if they arrested him again they would prosecute regardless. The first responders in (detail removed by Moderator) were fantastic, and spent two hours taking a statement from me. So the local DV unit had the statement and yet despite that, they released him with bail conditions, so they let me down very badly in my eyes. They told him they would send an officer with him to collect belongings but then when he tried to arrange it they refused. They knew I am dependent upon him for income, so what do they think is going to happen if he needs clothing for work? It’s impossible to stand idly by and say no, when it will affect me financially and I’ve been through a hell of a lot, without that adding to my worries.

He has just left the house for his (detail removed by Moderator) week holiday. I wasn’t invited! As he walked out the door, virtually ignoring me, in fact he hasn’t spoken to me for the last 3 days, he said as he does, I’m sure you’ll have someone else here, yet I have never ever been unfaithful to him, but this is what I have to put up with day in day out. He never touches me, he has always turned away from me in bed, he barely communicates with me unless he wants something, and if I try to assert myself when I feel I can summon up the courage, he walks away from me.

Thank you for listening and for your help. I suppose the next (detail removed by Moderator) weeks will be the usual hell of indecisiveness for me.

By the way, Lisa, if you are reading this, no one ever got in touch with me at all from that local branch, even though I emailed them around two weeks ago! Always the same, no support, no help from DV organisations near me, nor from the DV helpline either who fail to answer or call back.

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Hi Anabela, is that the book by Lundy Bancroft? I’m going to get it. Thank you for the mention xx

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Anon, I too am in the same boat. I’ve been like this for years, I can’t actually summon up the courage to get my husband out of my life. I’ve asked myself so many times, why do I continually let him abuse me, why do I take all the hurt, the cruelty, the lies, deceit, the nastiness, the sometimes physical anger, and yet I know it’s because I listen to my heart and not my head. I am a true believer in self empowerment, and I am beginning to grow stronger, it takes time, but I do believe in karma. (detail removed by moderator). It has helped me to understand that in my case I’m a rescuer, but I cannot rescue myself until I come to my senses and finally acknowledge to myself that I have allowed myself to be in an abusive relationship. It is hard, but you will gradually find a way I’m sure. Have you asked your GP for counselling on the NHS? There are many good counsellors out there. There is also an organisation called Co-Dependents Anonymous, see if they have a local group near you? Look on their website. And there is the National Domestic Violence Helpline listed above, and you can contact Samaritans any time, they are there for anyone who needs help and support. I’m sure many others on here will be able to offer their support too, so don’t despair, reach out, someone will always be there to listen 🙂 WE xx

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Hello Stressedout

Just a quick response from me, but I would strongly urge you to seek legal help as quickly as possible. If you go to the law society website you can put in your postcode and find a lawyer close at hand. May be look for a firm who deals with both immigration and family law, and may be make an appointment to see an immigration lawyer within the firm first, and then ask that person to refer you also to a colleague in the family law department. You will probably be entitled to legal help without having to pay but the lawyer will assess that. Always try and ask for a half hour’s free consultation to begin with in any event.
I am uncertain, but you may be able to claim asylum, but you really ought to get legal advice on this and quickly. You must also get the family lawyer’s advice really quickly, as you need to be ready in case there should be any issues such as child abduction on his part, and also for advice on your part. I am not saying that child abduction is going to happen, but practically, you need to cover all aspects of what could happen so that you can contact people quickly, particularly where child abduction is concerned, as the courts take this very seriously, and take a very dim view of anyone who tries to abduct a child and remove them from the jurisdiction, as do the police, and prevention is always better than cure.
There is also Lisa’s advice above, so hopefully you now have a few options to work on.
I hope you find a way forward very soon as we all have the right to be treated with dignity, respect, love, warmth, and compassion in our lives.

Best wishes

WE xx

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Pixies, this is not about you and him, it’s about something far greater, it’s about safe guarding your children. Look at what you have written;

“He blames our eldest for lots of things, he hates her, she’s (detail removed by moderator) now, and he’s been physically angry with her several times. Barely controlling his anger.
He’s hit/kicked the dog in anger when he’s been naughty,upsetting everyone. I feel awful I should have rehomed the dog. I should’ve removed the children. I don’t know why I’m so weak.” – and also he wants to punch the eldest in the face?

You have said it yourself “I should’ve removed the children”. You know what you need to do, but you want someone to validate it for you, but you have validated it yourself in what you have written.

 

(detail removed by moderator)

Once you are out of this situation, you can then start to work on yourself as well as your children, and you should seek all the help you can get. Try and seek an initial consultation with a family lawyer who specialises in domestic violence work. Go on the law society website and find a lawyer in your area using your postcode. Initial consultations will usually be free if you ask for it, and you may well be entitled to legal aid. Ask the lawyer what his or her view is on safeguarding your children. Don’t yo-yo, not when your children are involved, you need to make decisions because it will affect their health and well being and you need to put them FIRST.

I am in a similar situation myself, but I don’t have children, and by the way, Relate would not see us together, so we didn’t go, but if you go, much better I would suggest that you go alone. It’s hard to come to terms with being “played” by someone you trusted and loved, but who has a different vision to yours as to what trust, love, respect and integrity are. Listen to your inner voice, to your gut, 5/10 minutes alone a day to listen to yourself, will start to tell you what you need to do.

Many of us in abusive relationships look for validation from professionals as to why we find ourselves in the situation we are in, but in reality, we don’t need that validation, because we already know something isn’t right, and that’s why we come on to these forums, we actually know, but we are afraid of the consequences. DM me if you wish to, I have time to listen and help where I can, and best of luck, but start taking action for yourself, and more importantly, for the sake of your children.
WE xx

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ps sorry, should say he only worked for the NHS part time.

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Can anyone tell me please how you get an outreach worker or WA support worker? The police have never referred me to anyone, and victim support are useless. My GP referred me for counselling, took 7 months to get an appointment, and then the counsellor clearly felt I had too much baggage for him to deal with, but didn’t even have the temerity to say so, offered me another appointment, and then reneged on it, saying he would have to check his diary and come back to me, and never did, and that was through the NHS. I asked him several times by email if he could give me another appointment and he came back with the lame excuse that he only worried for the NHS part time, and that was it.

My experience with the national domestic violence helpline, and help generally has been horrific. In this day and age, much more help should be available but it isn’t, it’s very sparten and in the meantime, more and more women get abused in their homes and in their work environments, and understandably, the police hate dealing with it, because they just don’t have the manpower, and as I have experienced myself, on one occasion, despite me calling 999, they failed to show. I’ve only ever called them out 4 times over an (detail removed by Moderator) year period because I am so reluctant to do so, but to be fair, when I did need help a year ago, the two first response officers who first attended, were marvellous. Then it got handed over to the domestic abuse team, and the (detail removed by Moderator) officer dealing with it was absolutely useless, and utterly clueless. When I told them my husband had even broken his police bail conditions, and I had proof by way of text messages etc, this officer didn’t even want to know. It reminded me of the days when I, myself, spoke to a police sergeant in a professional capacity about an incident of domestic violence, and he told me “well she probably asked for it didn’t she”.

When is the government actually going to do something positive about help for victims of abusers? I know everything is chronically underfunded, but the cost cutting, is not cost effective in my view, as it leaves victims vulnerable and more likely to further sustained abuse and an ongoing situation which eventually ends up with a multi agency task approach which costs more money. Early intervention is best and ideally, there needs to be more places of temporary safety where victims can go for a couple of days to clear their heads or whatever. There seems to be more help for actual homeless people in that respect than domestic violence victims, but both deserve much more.

And for the person who said they could not get through to the national domestic violence helpline, I’ve had the same issue, not available at night, despite stating they are 24/7, and even the police couldn’t get through to them for me, even though we both tried numerous times, and I left messages. No one ever rang me back, and thats now 5 months ago!

Climbing off my soap box, and I make no apology for it, Good Samaritan we have conversed before, but I’m not used to this site fully yet, and I lose track of where I have been, unless folks DM me, but just to say, anyone who needs a lawyer for domestic abuse/family situations, can find a family lawyer on the law society website. Just go on the website and put in domestic violence or family law and your postcode, and they should provide you with a list of local lawyers for you to choose one. Ideally, try and find one that offers legal aid, so you can be assessed as to whether you are eligible for legal aid. Hope this helps.

WE

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Lisa, I walked out on my husband (detail removed by Moderator) when his abuse became too much to bear any longer. I had nowhere to go and no money. I sat in a local park for hours in the cold, and repeatedly rang the national domestic violence helpline in the hope that they could help me to find a refuge for the night. Repeatedly, it was an answering machine, and no one rings back.
Eventually, at midnight, I was so so cold, I rang the police, and they came to find me. I didn’t think they would bother because the previous time I had called them, they didn’t turn up, but this time they did come. After an embarrassing grilling to see if I was mentally ill in any way, and declaring that obviously I wasn’t, after an hour of questioning by them whilst sat in a police car with a nurse, they also tried to ring the national domestic violence helpline for me to try and get a refuge place for the night, but they had exactly the same problem, just an answering machine and no assistance. They tried a few times, and then told me they couldn’t do anything for me, other than take me home. I begged them not to take me home, but they insisted that was all they could do, so I went back to the cold in the park. In the end, I did go home, and have regretted it ever since.

I know that womens aid and the refuge service are chronically short of money, but where can women go in an emergency and they just can’t get an answer from the national domestic violence helpline? Often these incidents take place at night time, often late, so what do we do, when the phone line just isn’t answered please?

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Hi Good Samaritan, I’ve only just come in on this today and I’ve lost track of when we last posted. I find it hard with this site to find where I’ve been! That said, you need to move on from the harassment warning, as I said before, you will never win against the authorities, plain and simple, but it will not be on your file for ever, and hopefully there will be no need for you to have any further contact with this man again which will put you in jeopardy with that warning. If you can, try and go no contact, and speak to your lawyer if needs be about it.

On the money front, have you been to the JobCentre or DWP and told them of your plight for Monday. It’s getting late in the day, but if you haven’t, you need to contact them, or alternatively, contact the college and tell them you have this problem, and can someone please help over finance so you can get to the college course? You might be eligible for a grant or something?

Best of luck, and keep strong.

WE xxx

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Good Samaritan, If you are on benefit, you should be eligible for the legal help scheme as it used to be called, not sure whether it is still that, but someone should be able to help you out.

If you need an injunction, and you are on benefits, you should also be entitled to legal aid, and the lawyer will carry out an assessment for that purpose. You will need to take some form of proof of your benefit to the lawyer, whether it be a letter or bank statement showing the payment etc, and proof of your address.

The lawyer should help you address the issue of his belongings. They can write to him to say he can make arrangements to send a third party to collect them and they will be bagged up and waiting for him on the doorstep at a certain time on a certain date and so on.

Unfortunately, the police give the impression that you have to wait for them to help you and find you a lawyer, but this is not so. You an instruct any family lawyer you choose, but try and find one who specialises in domestic violence if you can. A good family lawyer is worth his or her weight in gold, and they will do all they can to help. And always good idea to make a list of things you want to ask in advance of meeting if you can, so you don’t forget to ask anything. Even better, if you have time, type out a summary of your background, recent events, and any other issues, it will help.

Stay out of contact with the ex partner, however tempting it might be, just don’t go there. Hold your head up high and move forward. And I must try and listen to my own advice!!

Best of luck Good Samaritan, let me know how you get on. We’re all rooting for you. xxxxx

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Do we all believe in going with your gut instinct? My gut instinct has told me for the last 6 years to get rid of my abuser, even though I married him. He’s taken control of everything, financially and emotionally, and never have I been in such a mess as a result. The thing is, I know I need to walk away, but it’s actually sorting it all out that keeps stopping me, and seeing him day in day out doesn’t help me.

I promised myself that if he got the job I wanted him to get, I’d give it one last shot, but he got news yesterday, that he didn’t get the job, that would have taken us (detail removed by Moderator), so I could be nearer to my brother, who has been very ill. My gut told me that if he didn’t get the job, I should finally bring the mess to an end. I trust my gut, but it’s so hard to face. Does anyone know how you can get practical help to move? I have belongings in my loft which he has thrown everywhere up there, and I just can’t tackle it alone, and I have no one to help, and a whole load of other stuff in my garage, which is also a mess thanks to him. If I can somehow tackle that, it would be a positive start. The house is owned by me in my sole name but I don’t think anything will remotely happen unless I leave it.

Every day seems to be a bad day, day in day out, year in, year out!

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Hi Good Samaritan

is it a police harassment warning? (see below). If so, I don’t see why it would state that you can’t ask a third party to make contact regarding the handing over possessions. I haven’t seen what you have, but that said, ask the third party to contact the police and inform them that they intend to contact your ex partner to ask them to take their possessions. The police will very rarely assist in any such handover, I had that problem myself, in that my husband was put on police bail, with a condition not to contact me directly or indirectly, but he needed his clothing for work, the police said they would assist, but then when they released him, they weren’t interested, so I ended up allowing him back to get bits and hence he started making me feel sorry for him again.

I think as long as your third party clears it with the police by informing them of what they intend to do, and that the person keeps a note of the time they phoned or visited the police, the date, and a note of the conversation, and the officers identification details, then I would be surprised if you would be prosecuted. To prove harassment to a court, you normally have to show a number of continuing events not just a couple of isolated events. See what your lawyer thinks if you are not sure.

Although you are answering to starry eyed in the rest of your message, you do not need to wait to get a lawyer. Find your nearest legal aid lawyer. To do this, go on the law society website and find a firm nearest to you who has specialist family lawyers and who do legal aid, as you will be entitled to public funding to pay your legal costs. The sooner you get to one and get advice, the better, do not wait for the police, they actually know very little when it comes to family law, (detail removed by Moderator). Get to a good family lawyer as soon as you can, make that a priority, and tell them everything, so that they can help, including the help you need for money.

“Harassment warnings
Sometimes if the police decide that they are not going take any further legal action against your abuser, they may give him an informal harassment warning. Harassment warnings are also known as harassment warning notices and police information notices (PINs).
This is a warning which tells your abuser about the law in relation to harassment, and that if there are similar reports in the future the police might take action against him. Your abuser may be asked to sign the warning. This does not mean that he admits to harassing you, it just confirms that he has received the warning. However, if you do report his harassing behaviour to the police again in the future, then the notice can be used to show that he knew that his behaviour is harassment.”
source: rights for women

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Hi Good Samaritan

As the tenancy is in your sole name, I hope you have changed the locks. If not, you must do so. You could ask your landlord to help out with this for safety purposes?

As regards his belongings, can you pack them up and leave them somewhere safe? Could you leave them at a neighbours or friends and ask the person if they would contact him to tell him where his possessions are and give him 6 months max to come and collect? If he fails to collect after that length of time, and he’s had ample warning, then whoever is safe keeping them, would be within their rights to dispose of them, but they must make it clear that if he doesn’t collect them within that time frame, then they will be disposed of without further notice.

I’m in the same boat, I’m all over the place, except that I foolishly married the man, and I own my property which is in my sole name, and yet I’m facing up to the fact that I might have to leave it for my own sanity, and try and go no contact, otherwise he will do what he has done in the past, and persuade me that he will change, and that he will love and cherish me every day, as he said last time, and which was an absolute fib, so I’m trying to summon up the courage to do something positive. Everyone has told me he won’t change, and to take action, but when you’re manipulated every day, financially and emotionally, it’s so tough.

Have you telephoned the benefits agency to sort out a claim for benefit if you need it? You can probably get some sort of crisis loan to start with if needs be? If you are struggling for food, is there a food bank near by? At times of need, pride has to take a back seat, and you shouldn’t be ashamed. Hold your head up high, and start making a To Do List and plan.

WitsEnd xxx

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Hi Good Samaritan
I think I have seen some of your posts on another forum here but just trying to remember. Was it you who still feels as though they are in still in love with their abuser? I have the same problem. I can’t tare myself away despite all the torment and horror. Are you on a joint tenancy, or is the tenancy in his name? Are you actually living apart now?

WitsEnd xx

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You’ve hit the nail on the head. I think we are very similar in a lot of ways. If you lived nearby, I would love to meet, but as we don’t know where each other is, that’s difficult. Such a shame.
I’m in a terrible state tonight, he has taken nearly all my money away from me with lies and deceit, and now the shower has given up the ghost today, and the boiler is nearly on it’s last legs, and I just don’t know how I’m going to afford to replace them. I need to sell the house, I should have sold it (detail removed by Moderator) when he was away from the home for a short while, before persuading me to take him back, I was offered a good price, but I reneged, because he said it wasn’t the right time. Yet I knew all these worn out things within would be coming home to roost and cost a fortune to fix and replace which I just can’t afford any more. I’m maxed out on everything, and he saves his money and no doubt sends it home to (detail removed by Moderator). I don’t even know how much he earns and I’ve never seen his bank statements, but he’s seen all my financial documentation time and time again, because I’ve had to produce it for authorities, to help him out.
I have no friends because of him, none of them like him, and so I keep myself to myself most of the time, and yet before I met him, I used to socialize, but not these past (detail removed by Moderator) years.
I’m in so much a mess financially that it’s been stressing me out for the last (detail removed by Moderator) years and I’m so trying not to let it get to me, because I don’t want him to have the pleasure of killing me from stress through a stroke or heart attack, and then getting my assets. I’m sure that’s what he’s after. As it is I’m having to lose a property because he promised he’d help me with the running costs and then reneged on his promise, as he does with everything. He treats my home as if it is student accommodation and I used to be so house proud but I’ve given up, he just damages everything.
I’m not working at all and I don’t think I could hold down a job right now, my levels of concentration are so poor, I don’t want to go out, and if I tried working, I think I’d just run out as I’m not in the right frame of mind to cope. I can’t go back to my GP because he told me over a year ago my husband was an abuser, and spent an hour with me, and I’m so grateful, but I just feel such an idiot if I go back and say I’m sinking even further in to the quagmire and am still in this relationship.
I know he won’t change, and that’s why I don’t understand myself. I don’t think he has ever loved me because as soon as we were married, he turned his back on me in bed and has done so every night since except for when he thinks it’s his divine right to have sex. I don’t even get a kiss, I have to beg for one and I’ve given up. If it wasn’t for the fact that I don’t want him to get my assets, if I’ll have any left by the time he’s finished with me, I think I would just call an end to it all.
And you are so right, it gets to breaking point, and then he’s suddenly nice for a few hours, and hooks me back in again, and it’s a constant merry go round and it’s so stressful. Like you, I’ve also had all the things such as, what sort of a wife are you, and I’m not a Christian in his eyes, when in my eyes, I’m more of a Christian than he will ever be.
I so wish I could help you, because I can tell you are a kindred spirit and a kind soul, and we should all be there for you. If I could, I would, I really would. I feel such a failure, I can’t help you, I can’t help myself at the moment, which is absolutely stupid, because in the past I’ve helped countless others, and despite everything, I’ve never been in a mess as bad as this, and without any support. I suppose all I can say is to those looking in is, (detail removed by Moderator) I am the more careful and cynical than most probably, but this one well and truly suckered me in hook line and sinker. (detail removed by Moderator)
One day freedomfighter I hope we shall meet. You deserve the very best, and I sincerely hope you will find what you so much deserve very soon, and a better life will follow, without a doubt. God bless you too. Please stay in touch 🙂

[Wits End]

Freedeomfighter, you are such a tonic. I wish I had your tenacity. It’s 2 steps forward and then 1 back again with me, so I just go round in circles. And how you have managed when you have children as well is a testament to how wonderful you clearly are. Keep shining freedomfighter, your pathway to freedom will be lit up for you. Don’t look back, I know you won’t, take the opportunity by the hand and walk down that path to enlightenment. You will be an absolute inspiration for many.
For me, for some bizarre reason, I am still trying to help this guy. I should never have married him, but I was brought up to put others first before myself and so I just can’t help myself, it’s in my nature, and if he tried to strangle me again, I’d probably still carry on trying to help him. I’m now on a scary path of beginning to run the risk of losing everything I’ve ever worked so hard for but he told someone 5 years ago that his intention was to take over financial control of me, and slowly, he’s doing it, and stupidly, I’m giving in to him, because I’m so far down in myself, that I haven’t the energy to show him the door, and I don’t like confrontation anyway, it’s not for me, I shy away from it.
It’s the silly things I miss. I have to be so careful with money now. I haven’t had my hair cut in 7 years, I do it myself, and it looks awful, and I’d love to have a facial, but that would be far too extravagant with the way things are for me now, and I buy second hand clothes, whilst he buys new suits. All my writings are negative, yet I just can’t fully close the door on this man. I’ve told him tonight if he gets this new job then I will give it one last chance and move with him, and if he doesn’t get it, I’m going anyway. It’s good to have written it here in black and white, where I can see it, because I can remind myself what I’ve actually said to myself and to him.
If you haven’t read it, there’s a great little book called End The Struggle And Dance With Life by Susan Jeffers. I have an army of books, they keep me sane right now, but I love this one, and you can get a second hand copy on ebay or try your local library and see if they will order it for you if they don’t have it. There’s a saying in there, one among many, which says “Okay Universe, Take over please. Take me where you wish. I’ll enjoy the ride”. I’m dedicating that saying to you freedomfighter. You will be liberated. Stay in touch. xxx

[Wits End]

Hi Freedomfighter, you are such an incredibly brave person, without a doubt. To do what you are going after decades of abuse takes real guts. I’m still on the long road of I’m going to do it but then, when he’s been particularly bad and his friends speak to him and give him a jolt about what he might lose, he becomes nice for a few hours, and then returns back to his normal nasty self. I have no doubt my husband is a narcissist, I’ve told him so to his face, and he doesn’t answer, so I get the impression that I am not the first person to tell him this. I didn’t even know what love bombing/gaslighting was until last summer when someone whose sister is one, told me in no uncertain terms. The police had never mentioned it to me on the occasions that they have arrested my husband, had they warned me, I wouldn’t have taken him back after all his pestering and manipulation after he was released on police bail with conditions. That, with hindsight, was the best chance I had to bring it all to an end, but no one warned me that he would probably attempt to wear me down and I was foolish to be taken back in with all the promises that have never materialised. The last time I walked, it was late at night, he reported me missing, the police eventually picked me up, I asked to go to a refuge, but they couldn’t get any answer from the refuge service and neither could I, and so they took me back home and dropped me off outside! I ended up walking the streets at 3am for a few hours and eventually returning home after he had gone to work.
For the last 3 weeks I had been promising myself that this is finally it, I’ve finally had enough, even though I had been doing everything to push him for a promotion as he wants to move up the career ladder, rather late, but he needs to be doing it. I found a position for him, contacted the people, and he has an interview soon with them. It will be a good position for him, and it will take me back to be near where I want to live, but now I’ve trapped myself again, because if he gets the job, it might be worth one last try, although I know he is incapable of change, and I am just his slave. The biggest mistake I made, and this would be my essential piece of advice for any woman is, that I allowed myself to become financially dependent upon him. After working for (detail removed by Moderator) years of my life having my own salary, I allowed myself to leave work to take care of an elderly relative, and then to help this narcissist. I keep thinking to myself, I wish there was somewhere where women could go for a break from it all and see how they really feel, away from the manipulation of their partners. I don’t mean a refuge necessarily, but almost like a foster home scenario for adult survivors of abuse. Just a few nights away in a safe and comforting environment could be such a life line for many. Today I feel weak, but on Monday I will feel stronger when he is back at work, and we are apart for 8 hours or so, but I’m not far enough down the road as yet to walk out again and finally finish this exhausting battle. I always learn the hard way, for fear of failure on my part I suspect, and so everything has to collapse around me before I finally see the error of my ways!
Do keep me in the loop as to how you are getting on freedomfighter, you are a very special person with a huge amount of courage. Your children in years to come will see your courage and determination and will thank you for it, and it will give them the strength, support, courage and hope they will look for in the future.
Look after yourself and keep in touch. xxx

[Wits End]

Freedomfighter, you are such a brave person. I admire you immensely. I thought I was actually going to do it this time, for the last fortnight I’ve felt so much better thinking this is it, come what may, I’m going to do it, and then tonight, the Jekyll and hyde has turned from being his usual nasty and mean self, and I mean beyond mean, to actually trying to be nice for a few hours and now I’m confused again. What’s worse is, a very close relative had a stroke at the beginning of (detail removed by Moderator). and I want to move to be closer to where this person is, and this was it, I was going to do it alone, and then wham, my husband has gone and landed himself a job interview within miles of where I want to go, and because I am dependent on him for income, it would be easier just to go and do it together, but I know in my heart it’s not really the solution, because he’s so abusive to me, psychologically and financially, and on occasions, physically also. I am such a giver, and I’ve given so much to this man, and he is a complete taker. At the moment I am financially wrecked because of him and it scares me because I’ve never been in as bad a position as this before. I went for counselling, had one session, and the counsellor told me that he thought I would reinvent myself again, as I had to do once before in the past, but that was a different situation entirely then to this now. I just think you are so incredibly brave. How did you manage to sort out financial support? I have assets but no income if I did walk away and it’s the having no income bit that scares me the most.

[Wits End]

Can I ask why you are still in the marital home at the moment? I am in the same boat and trying to find the strength and courage to sell up and leave and accept that the marriage is finished, before he causes me to have a breakdown at long last. xx

[Wits End]

Hi Iris, I have been thinking of going to Co-Dependents Anonymous, that’s why I mentioned it, but so far, I haven’t actually physically dragged myself to a meeting there, and may be it’s because I’m still living with the abuser. I just wonder if I would find it helpful? I did ask my GP for counselling on the NHS  (detail removed by moderator), it took months for the appointment to come through, and we all know how things continually change with these abusers over that period of time, so the yo-yo-ing was continuing, then I had my first appointment, went okay I thought, but at the second, I said I would have to terminate, as the abuser’s behaviour was worsening towards me, he sensing I was doing something, but he thought I was having an affair, and I didn’t want to tell him it was counselling, as I knew he would feel threatened if he thought I was talking about him, so safer not to mention it, but then that evening, after I had told the counsellor I couldn’t go any more, and he said I would be welcome back any time, things got nasty, and the abuser, my husband, just launched a verbal tirade upon me, and I just couldn’t take any more, so I just walked, taking very little with me. Didn’t get very far, just the local park, repeatedly ringing the national domestic helpline in the hope I could get to a refuge, but no one answered, just an answering machine repeatedly, I left messages, no one rang back. So I ended up calling the police at midnight, and to be fair, they came, but then I was treated as if I must have some form of insanity, which clearly I hadn’t, and so then they said all they could do was return me home. I asked them to try and get a refuge place for me and they said they couldn’t. They tried ringing also on my phone and got the same issue, just an answering machine. So I ended up back home again, under the roof with the abuser, asking the counsellor to take me back, and never received another appointment from him, despite his promise to provide one! What does it take to get help I keep asking myself?

[Wits End]

Thanks Anabela, I’ve ordered it from ebay. I must nearly have a library of self help books! For anyone who is interested, and would prefer to borrow a book rather than buy, I came across something in another book I was reading, which referred to the books on prescription service, which I think allows your GP to prescribe for you to obtain self help books from your local library. Have a look on the internet as I think it does exist for those who might be interested.

[Wits End]

Lisa, I walked out on my husband (detail removed by Moderator) when his abuse became too much to bear any longer. I had nowhere to go and no money. I sat in a local park for hours in the cold, and repeatedly rang the national domestic violence helpline in the hope that they could help me to find a refuge for the night. Repeatedly, it was an answering machine, and no one rings back.

Eventually, at midnight, I was so so cold, I rang the police, and they came to find me. I didn’t think they would bother because the previous time I had called them, they didn’t turn up, but this time they did come. After an embarrassing grilling to see if I was mentally ill in any way, and declaring that obviously I wasn’t, after an hour of questioning by them whilst sat in a police car with a nurse, they also tried to ring the national domestic violence helpline for me to try and get a refuge place for the night, but they had exactly the same problem, just an answering machine and no assistance. They tried a few times, and then told me they couldn’t do anything for me, other than take me home. I begged them not to take me home, but they insisted that was all they could do, so I went back to the cold in the park.

I know that womens aid and the refuge service are chronically short of money, but where can women go in an emergency and they just can’t get an answer from the national domestic violence helpline? Often these incidents take place at night time, often late, so what do we do, when the phone line just isn’t answered please?

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