anotherlife

[anotherlife]

Bestchance07,I’m so sorry for what your dealing with right now. It sounds v similar to how it was a few years ago when we were still under same roof & he was manipulating the kids. They do it to buy their love, to undermine us and to make themselves feel big while trying to make us feel so small. But that just shows what they really are. I still wouldn’t spend one minute with him to make my life easier, he’s not worth the time he gets in my mind, but unfortunately after manipulating the kids even more lately, he’s made it harder for me. I know it’s like a long game and we just have to get ourselves through it. I don’t ever regret getting him out of here and one day,ineed to get out of here too and he’ll have less hold over me or need to question everything.
It’s v sad but my daughter reminds me of him, but maybe that’s just because she’s still a child & he was like a spoilt child. She’s like a jekyll & hyde, as I used to describe him,and I hate to say it, but tried to bully me.
I’ve got some music on now, sat cosy (on my own lol) in the lounge and just trying to relax a bit.
Thinking of you Bestchance07,try to be strong but stay safe and seek the help you need, it’s alarming how much they can show their true colours when they feel they’re losing control x

[anotherlife]

Just read your post,my goodness, you brave, brave woman. I hope you’re well protected and you’re getting lots of support. Must be so hard. I hope you don’t have to continue in this way for long & that you can either get somewhere away that he doesn’t know about or that he will be arrested.
Wishing you strength sweet lady. Keep sharing and we’re all here for you x

[anotherlife]

Thank you so much Lottieblue. I’ve cone on here again today to read some other posts, as it’s been an anxious & upsetting time with my youngest, so angry and bitter but lovely again to him when he called. I could hear and he was questioning where she was & laughing because I was alone on new years eve while she sat in her bed all day being stubborn & rude. She’s still there a day later in the same clothes she’s had on for about 3 or 4 days and nights.
It’s the first day of a new year today and the battle with her feels even harder. My eldest has been out walking with me, which is unusual but lovely, but she wouldn’t move. I’m feeling trapped and my family just think she’s selfish but I can’t blame them. Sorry to winge. I need to read back on my positive post recently as I know I can feel better than this, but rarely when at home. I know we can only be as happy as we allow ourself to be etc, but it feels stifling and I’m dreading getting up each day to see what she’ll be like. I know it’s affecting her physical and mental health.

[anotherlife]

Oh wow, PussinBoots, my heart’s so happy for you. Well done, it must have been scary but so right and so brave. One hour and one day at a time. You must have inspired so many women today with your bravery and strength 💗 Wishing you courage and safety and a better day each day. You are amazing. Take in the views and breathe. Hugs x

[anotherlife]

nbumblebee, only just seen your reply. I can’t imagine what you’re living with and coping with, but I really feel for you and wish you so much strength, insight and love. If I had only seen the women’s aid display in a local centre manh years ago, I’d have known I was being mistreated, every time I see it I can hardly believe I had no idea & that I thought it was just bad temper etc. So many women need helping and supporting.
I hope you have support and are finding your way. Thanks for your lovely comments, it’s honestly so nice to share such moments in life, as the only people that really understand what I’ve been through & still am, are the friends I made through women’s aid groups a few years ago. I honestly love these women, our bond is strong and supportive, but there’s also such laughter and humour.
I think my ex is a really insecure person and still can’t let go. I’ve had a nice Christmas card from him, first since since we separated, why the h*** would I want that and his condescending words, passed on to me by my youngesr after a day with him. I can tear it up with the kids around as I try to be level and calm and neutral. But it’s going in the recycling very soon. Seriously, such a controlling ego maniac. Gosh why am I writing this on Christmas day?!
I’m writing it because I’m awake and thinking. But hey, for you, some love & support, and talk of some joys for a few mins before I go to bed. I wear necklaces now, after years of covering my neck with scarves as I had got so nervous and anxious about being touched, I love my necklaces that I’ve had for years and years but rarely worn. I occasionally paint my nails now, but hadn’t bothered much with myself the last few years. I’m actually going to wear a dress on Christmas day (today!) and not worry what anyone else thinks, just a casual laid back charity shop find, but will make me feel good.
I had a lovely walk a few days ago, all wrapped up and peaceful, and could spend as long as I wanted watching a kingfisher (I hadn’t seen one in years), just standing and smiling, it really Brought me joy.
I struggle at home as this was our family home & such bad memories,but we’re safe here for a few years and I’m thankful for that and that I am managing. I’m so thankful for life and just the peace I can feel. I hope I’m not going on too much, I just wanted to share to inspire you again. I hope you are seeking support where you need it and can see a way forward somehow. I know every situation is different snd when I look back to how it was for me, it was unbelievably hard just trying and trying to split up and getting him away from me. I honestly don’t think he’ll ever let go, but it’s up to me to keep my guard up and not give him any headspace, as just the card is enough of a way for him to try to get my attention and into my mind.
Thinking of you with love & heartfelt strength wished to you. I’m so strong with my feelings that other women, every woman, deserves peace and freedom. One day at a time. Be safe and I wish you a lovely day today, thr best it can ve at the moment 💗🌸

[anotherlife]

Thank you both 💓 It truly is hard nbumblebee, but the moments of peace are priceless. Just simple things, gosh they keep coming back to me, how nasty he was when I thought it was just his temper and trying to keep things calm. Instead of loud violent TV or films, I cam have music on and dance around! Literally bop or float around the lounge! It’s honestly the feeling of joy that this is my life and he’s not here!
I really need to stop being nice though and tighten my boundaries. Just because he’s pikote and in a good mood, doesn’t mean I’m his friend and he can message me (detail removed by Moderator) years after separation! But I let my guard down, think it’s for the kids, but I’m letting him control me still, him pretending he’s co-parenting.
Never getting in my head though. One saying is ‘ no sense, no feeling’, but I’ve got sense and no feelings!
I don’t know what I’m going on about really, think just processing a bit.
Oh the joy though, he’s not here! Joy every day!
Keep going ladies, it’s our only way to find where we can actually get to. Strength and comfort to you both x 💗

[anotherlife]

Thank you ladies, for all your kind & supportive replies. I had no idea I’d be caught off guard the way I was, but now I’m switched on and it’s not happening anymore. I kept telling myself this week that I’m not scared of him, but the actual reality if different and it’s all still in there.
So I need to reset some boundaries, though my (detail removed by Moderator) year old is an absolute nightmare & it’s hard to think of any day when she’ll be better, she’s so like him. It’s hard to know what’s just teenage behaviour and taking on the role of the abuser.
I really appreciate being on here and all of you understanding, as family really don’t get the underlying issues and the fact that I just can’t get away from him. It seems so unfair that because we have children, he can try to control things. But only as much as I let him I suppose. I really need to read all my old notes from freedom and power to change. I just feel like I’ve taken several steps back
I was close to a panic attack mid week and the day after was teary and couldn’t concentrate at all at work. I thought s lot of it was behind me and that I was starting to move on.
Time to reset and enjoy now, while looking forward. Sending my love to you all & wishes of strength and grace xxx

[anotherlife]

Hi KIP, thanks so much. I’ve had help from womens aid for years & done programmes, I’d got so far that I felt I was ready to not need them so much but now it feels like full circle and start again. I hate to say it but I get what you mean about a nasty gene, his side are like that, he’s not the only one, but being kids of an abuser themselves… but I’ve always felt she had her dad’s temperament and there’s no ‘fixing’ it or getting along when all she wants is her own way. I think I’ve been understanding for too long & been taken advantage of,trying to be calm & never react. I just want years to go by faster, it’s so sad, this is our life and I’m wishing it away. We’re always told ‘it’s not their fault’ as learnt behaviour & I get that in some ways. But it just feels impossible. Family have tried, some even don’t want to see her. I stuck up for and made excuses for so long. My mental health is really suffering now. I have a part time job now & I feel anxious there all the time, not because of the job as I really like it, but it’s just got so bad that I can’t shake it off. I’m just praying for school to start again.
I tried to be so understanding and get help, so that we broke the abusive cycle, I didn’t want her continuing it, but I can’t see her treating anyone well unless everything on her terms all her life.
She’s mostly like it with me, but others see the way she can be & used to see when she was younger. I’m feeling so isolated and I just want it to get better.

[anotherlife]

Hi Livinginhope,
I could almost have written your post myself. I’ve been thinking of writing a post but keep feeling such despair. My daughter has always been strong willed & difficult, but still loving. Same here, won’t do a thing I say, won’t shower, go anywhere apart from school, my life is so limited now. My son’s older & sees their dad still, but my daughter hasn’t seen him since last year. She doesn’t like him & doesn’t want to hear from him. But this has made her more emotional and confused and angry, her anger is about him but I get every bad mood, temper, difficulty every day. I could see this happening years ago but was told I need to sort my boundaries and work on myself. Family just see her as being badly behaved & my 2 kids just don’t get along at all.
But all that said, she has been in the middle of a few years of him emotionally & verbally abusing us, and she says herself that it taught her that to get her own way, she can just be difficult and it works. She hates that side of herself though. My ex husband is so different to me and she doesn’t want to be like him, but I’m sure she feels that she is and it’s such conflicting, confusing feelings. I’ve tried being calm these last few years but that way, I just get walked all over.
My daughter’s school are trying to get her in with the school counsellor. She’s very open with me, but very pessimistic, down and every day is a struggle for both of us. I’m so anxious all the time and am terribly jumpy, it seems to be getting worse. I’m sure she can see whats going on.
I tell her every day (I tell them both), that I lovd her and always will. I feel she needs that safe, secure environment here, but she’s also fighting against it. I am really worried for her long term mental health. She’s not quite a teenager yet, I have years of this. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Gosh, I’ve gone on a bit there. I started typing so I could write something supportive!
I’ll watch this thread to see what anyone else may suggest.
I wish you all the luck in the world x

[anotherlife]

Hi KIP. Thank you. I’ve been on medication for about 6 months and have a mediator for the financial issues, though he took advantage of this and delayed things as long as he could. I think the fact that it’s dragged on and on doesn’t help. I’m just so desperate to be free of him and separate.
I don’t see him when he collects them, I don’t go to the door anymore. He just controls nearly everything still and spoils the kids now, even though they know some of what went on, he’s changed from controlling, unpredictable tyrant / egotistical person to mr fun dad, but this is pretty typical isn’t it!
I must try mindfulness, it has so many benefits. I just find my head spinning so much that I never get round to doing anything constructive. I know I’m quite isolated now and as he told all his workmates and friends that I made him leave as I didn’t love him, I feel uncomfortable out walking or in the local town in the day,not because anyone will have a go at me but because so many people know him & know who I am. I just want to be far away but I’ve fought to stay in the house for the children & security of neighbours we know.

[anotherlife]

Thank you for all your lovely comments ladies. I just want to get to the stage where I can end it, I’m scared, not for my sake but for the children and for his reaction(s). He’s trying to play happy family again but I hate it. I’ve got so weak with the kids and making any decisions. But I also feel so much calmer if I am out anywhere (the supermarket & exciting places like that 🙂), and he’s not there, so much happier and can talk to people normally without being interrupted or talked over.
I just don’t know when or how I’ll get the chance. I really underestimated how hard it would be to end this relationship. I’ve done it several times and he’s back tracked. I want someone to hold my hand and help me.
I didn’t mean to go on like this.
One day soon I hope I’ll be able to put a message on here to say I’ve finally done it. I know it won’t be easy afterwards, but it’ll be a massive milestone and step forward. I want to find that strength within. I honestly thought it wouldn’t be this hard to do! I have no love left & never miss him when he’s away for weeks.
I wish you all strength and peace. Thank mg lucky stars for all of you! x

[anotherlife]

Hi ladies. Thank you for your replies. I kn8w he’s using the kids and being utterly selfish. He’s feeling sorry for himself and trying to get control of things by being cruel and harsh.
I have support from WA, have just finished the freedom program. I know I need to get out, or rather, it should be him so that the children don’t have to leave their home.
J don’t think he understands feelings a part from negative ones and doesn’t think of the im9afg of this on the children. Using anything he can to regain control but it has the opposite effect.
I really need to sort this after Christmas. I feel stupid for pretending that I would give us one last try. In my head I knew I couldn’t and wouldn’t and I think he knows too and is panicking.
Christmas is a pressure to do many people. I just want the children to enjoy it a x fogbut nogvuo be ruined but again I’m waiting to see if he’s got worse when he returns or starts pretending nothing happened and tries yo be nice.
I’m not feeling strong really, I’m scared. To make the final decision and change our chances of security but we can’t stay this way and I have to look forward.
Wishing you all strength x

[anotherlife]

Hi IWMB and Lisa.
Thank you so much for your lovely replies. I really thought that if it wasn’t for Christmas coming up, I may have been able to say I’ve had enough. But he’s been so nice again and then working away so not seen for over a week. With Christmas nearly here, I’m just carrying on organising and pretending things are ok.
I feel more pressure as I’m putting it on myself and thinking I need to do it as soon as new year comes. I want to but the actual reality of splitting up the family (though he’s actually done that through his actions already) and just telling him, the guilty feeling of being the one to finally end it, it’s going round and round and round.
I am on the freedom program, which has been amazing and enlightening and I’ve met some wonderful women who I count as friends now, so supportive 💖
I just feel so stifled and if he was being horrible, I would find telling him so much easier. It’s just because he’s trying so hard but it won’t change my decision. I know he’ll never change & I don’t want him to.
I just feel panicked about what to do when j finally find the courage. I can’t let him talk me round again with emotional stuff.
I’m wasting so many hours and nights and days going over it. I know it’s the same for many women. It feels harder than it did somehow. I can’t organise myself, I’m behind with Christmas plans etc, I’m fretful, emotionally drained, out of work so trying to find any motivation I can but it’s all gone. I have physical pain / health issues too, it’s all getting too much, I just want to hide.
That was a real moan wasn’t it! I didn’t mean fit it to be. I just wanted to ask for tips on motivation etc!
I have however, ordered a book (to hide) which was mentioned on a thread on here today & I think it may help me to think straighter and maybe after Christmas, I’ll somehow get my head straight and try to do what I’ve been wanting to. I can’t waste every day like I am now.
Sorry for the moan! x

[anotherlife]

I love reading this thread as it gives me a little hope for when I escape! It’s coincidental that I had a go at some things at home . But his mess is driving me mad (he’s far too busy and important at work to sort his c*** at home which has been building for years and I’m not allowed to move, bet some others will recognise that!) and it seems that every kitchen drawer and cupboard was untidy and full of unnecessary rubbish/junk/disorder.
I had plans to do other things  (detail removed by moderator) as I have bad pain levels but I couldn’t take any more! So I’ve cleared the food cupboard of out of date things, cleaned and tidied up 2 big drawers in kitchen, cleared some junk in another drawer (he moans at his mum for hoarding but he’s no better!), cleaned surfaces in kitchen and junk off windowsill (yes more junk!), though making sure I haven’t moved anything I shouldn’t or important, though we shall see….
I’ve also hung a few small pictures up which had been waiting for over a year and were causing more clutter. I had left it all that time as figured he would moan they’re in the wrong place etc but how much longer, really! It was quite funny as I had to use a wrench to hammer the nails into the wall, as I couldn’t find a hammer in the very untidy garage!!!
He has a very well paid job, though it is stressful, these things have been cluttering and building up for years, not just a few months. It looks a bit better.
Now I need him to move out so I can clear his wardrobe out, I wish!
Well done to all of us who are doing new things we’ve not been allowed to do in the past. My OH used to take over and I couldn’t do anything right, now I’ve had enough. It’s amazing when you look back and realise quite how much they have taken over you and your life, ruining the confidence and the real self that is still in there somewhere we hope.
Keep going ladies, we can do it! 💗

[anotherlife]

Glitter petals, this is so like my situation. I came on here today but put a post about him j.probong his actions and making it hard for me to leave as I haven’t seen him this nice and calm for years. But I can’t forgive everything he’s done and the anxious shell of a person I have become. I can’t tell our local police as he knows so many people and at least 2 of them, I’m too scared to let him ever know what I’m hoping to do or who I’ve told. But I’m at a standstill now as he’s not been this patient and normal with the kids for years and I just can’t do it.
What you have explained is certainly abuse and is in no way your fault. I don’t believe they can ever change, why would they want to, they just want control and power and their own way. You are doing the right things and hopefully will be strong enough to move forward soon. So many of us are still in these relationships when we expected to have left months or years ago.
We all give each other strength, womens aid are amazing and have helped me see things clearly.
Wishing you strength x

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