Beautifulday

[Beautifulday]

Hi there!
Dont apologise for “rambling” at all ! You are not and this is why the forum is here so you can let it all out and others can listen and help:)

Like yourself I didnt post for a few months but kept checking in , you do whatever feels best for you, if you don’t feel like posting then its completely up to you. Also like yourself it took me around 4 months to pluck up the courage to calls womens aid and I think it was for exactly the same reason as you say that I knew they would confirm it was abuse and once I heard that I knew it was true so was trying to shy away from it. But honestly once the lady confirmed what I knew it was like a weight off my shoulders a lightbulb moment. She didn’t judge or pressurise and it took me weeks after that to build up courage to get more help and contact a solicitor. I still can’t believe I did all that because at the time I saw no way out I felt stuck but honestly taking baby steps is the best thing you can do. Take each day as it comes, build your strength and courage. If it takes longer than you thought so be it but at least you’ve made the first step in coming to the forum and recognising there is something wrong. That is a vital first step and you’ve done it . If there were nothing wrong you wouldn’t have wanted to come here thats how I see it. Take it however slowly you want lovely when you are ready you will feel ready and you will know believe me.

[Beautifulday]

@eggshells

Its good that you were so strong to be able to think like that sadly in my case there has been so much psychological and emotional abuse that its warped my mind so much I can’t see clearly. Only when I’m away from thr house and him will I be able to think clearly. That’s what abuse does to you we are all different and all react in different ways for me I’m such an empath I constantly worry about others always feel im to blame etc so its hard for me to just switch off and hate someone. Even though I do hate him for everything he’s done I still can’t stop my mind feeling guilty for what I’m doing.. this is why I’m paying for counselling to get my mind back to how it was, to realise I’ve been conditioned to think like this.. years down the line ill look back and realise how crazy my way of thinking is but when your in the thick if it you can’t see it

[Beautifulday]

Hi @gettingtired
Thank you so much for your reply, from around October I was trying to focus on myself, walking a lot, eating healthy, I was talking to a Councillor as I know I have ptsd and attachment issues.. I was doing very good then around December I relapsed became very anxious and down again and with covid on top. I’ve been ok the past week or two .. I think its just having to still live with him whilst this is going on, if I didn’t have to live with him I think I’d feel a whole lot different.. I hope your ok? I have been thinking of you all xxx

[Beautifulday]

Hi there!
Your situation sounds so much like my own only difference is we don’t have children together.
For years I thought I was depressed, stressed, anxious etc and yes I was! ..because of him! I had never heard of the terms gasligting or cycle of abuse until I came onto this forum back last June. Everything sort of clicked and it was like a penny stopped. I called womens aid my local branch in the July it took me so much courage I was so nervous but it was the best thing I did!! I recommend you do this! They do not judge they don’t say you have to leave they help you with a plan if you want to and are just so helpful and kind, we spoke for over an hour!! Anyway what you speak about I relate so much to! The silent treatment! He would do this so much and on the beginning it was like torture ! I would tip toe around him all day beg him to talk, stand beside him pleading and asking what I had done wrong when I hadn’t done anything, I would sit in the bathroom and cry then all of a sudden hed talk again and I’d be so relieved and grateful he was !!! I look back at this times and think how crazy it is! But we are so brainwashed by them we can’t see its crazy!
Read as much as you can online and books it really helped me understand and gain courage, also writing down everything he has ever done and said but you have to make sure he would never find it. I kept away from home. This helped me s

What you said about him cheating? I remember once he left his laptop on and a girl kept popping up on the chat who i had never heard of , when I asked who it was in a nice enough way he threw (detail removed by Moderator) at my head , I ducked it hit the wall behind me. There was no apology and when I was upset and crying he basically said if I hadn’t questioned him or nagged he wouldn’t have done it so making me feel it was my fault. This is what they do! They’ll always turn it around of you make you feel your in the wrong etc.

What I asked myself was do I want to be here in 5 or 10 years time? And I thought back to how I was as a person when I met him I was carefree, happy, confident, abs I’ve turned into a nervous wreck, anxious, stressed, headache constantly, so many things but im getting better since filing for divorce end of last year. You can do it lovely you can get your freedom. I saw no way out at all and calling womens aid was a first step and one ill never regret xxxx

[Beautifulday]

Hi @buddy
I havent been on in a while, ive just been reading through your post. I really hope your ok lovely sounds like your having a awful time.
What he is doing is trying to get a reaction from you don’t bite for it!! They love it when you bite for it and it gives them a sense of power, if he’s ignoring you do it back play him at his own game, get on with your day and forget about him its hard I know but its the only way it gets through to them.

My H used to give me days of silent treatment id be beside myself, I wouldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep id go to work drained and upset trying to call him etc ..now I dont care I think oh well act like a child hes realised ive stopped caring!!! I look back at these times and think how warped and twisted they were! These men are cruel

If he moves to the other room say yes think its best you do play him at his own game he wants a reaction.

You sound like your getting much stronger and getting there, back in June I felt so hopeless I felt lost didn’t see a way out but by taking baby steps, calling wa, solicitor, getting a plan etc I now see thr light at thr end of the tunnel and know by this time next year I’ll be out of this hell. I keep thinking toward next Christmas knowing ill be my own little place and that’s what keeps me going.

Think of your future and your children’s future this is no happy life for you or them you’ll get to that point you’ll take action believe me it just happens.. hold your head high stay strong and keep making baby steps lovely you’ll get there xxx

[Beautifulday]

I am also living with him whilst my divorce is underway , I was going to separate but then thought no I don’t want to be with this person and separation for me means your still tied there is no cut off, so I went straight for divorce.

Its very hard, are you sleeping in a separate room? If your not i suggest this and also maybe even putting a lock on the inside of that door as you need your private space.
I’ve been trying to get out walking whenever I can and ive also done volunteering when I’m not working to keep me out as much as possible.
Its an awful situation to be in , I know how you feel but just try to look at the light at the end of the tunnel.
Sorry for asking but what will happen after this separation? Is he moving out? The only reason I ask is some abusers will not agree to divorce but a separation because they know they still have you, they still have control over you there is no financial cut off sort of speak.. dont let him manipulate you xx

[Beautifulday]

Hi @optimystic

Like @kip says they will never EVER admit to being an abuser or apologise! If they do ever apologise or pretend they’ve realised what they’ve done its always an act a front. And they usually do this to reel you back in.
In my situation im currently in the process of leaving an emotionally abusive relationship it was also very physical at the beginning. Lovkdown gave me the lightbulb moment and i made a plan to get out.
Anyway whenever id say to him aren’t you sorry for saying that? Or doing that? It was either silent treatment or the answer would be why should I be sorry? If you hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have had to say those things…they will NEVER admit to abusing or show remorse for their actions and words. Even now when he knows I’m going he STILL plays the victim, still calls me the abuser! Sees nothing wrong in the way he’s treated me all these years. These men are crafty, deceiving individuals and to realise they are abusers would mean giving up their power so they won’t do it

[Beautifulday]

Hi Buddy hope you are well

Write down what you want to ask, ask your options about staying in property etc.
I dont have children so didn’t need to ask about that but ask questions regarding this. Ask about timelines how long it’s likely to take etc,
Also mention the abuse to them xxx

[Beautifulday]

Please go and see a solicitor for free advice lots offer this, write down everything you want to know in that 30mins its surprising how much you can ask. If you like the solicitor keep them on hand ready for when you feel strong enough to contact them again. Have you contacted womens aid? I would recommend you do this also im so glad I did and honestly I think it was because of womens aid and this forum that I gained the courage and strength to file for divorce. You can do this lovely. Om also living in the same house at the moment its horrible but im trying to take each day as it comes and take baby steps that’s all we can do and then we will get there xx

[Beautifulday]

Hi @Maddog and thanks for your reply much appreciated.

I think your right some people just dismiss it or font believe it. I’ve been feeling better today but the depression & anxiety comes over me in waves ill be ok and feeling good then bam just like that I come crashing down 🙁 and the worst is i keep smiling at work nobody has thr faintest idea of what I’m going through its almost like I live a double life.

Since filing for divorce ive always been having terrible nightmares mostly involving him and also flashbacks of physical incidents that just come into my mind and I can’t seem to switch off from them . I didnt realise I flinch too until a work colleague said I do. If there’s a loud noise or someone startles me I jump so I think im definitely experiencing some sort of ptsd.

The letter hasn’t arrived yet it should be (detail removed by moderator) and im absolutely dreading it havent slept or ate much and to make things worse hes now being all nice calling me lovely and being all polite even though I’ve warned him the letter is coming I just don’t get it

[Beautifulday]

@KIP
Thank you for your advice and im sorry to hear about everything you went through 🙁
Im not going to get advice from this one friend anymore as I dont want anyone bringing me down and messing with my head. It took such courage to tell anyone and was really shocked by her response, like you say people will minimise it and when your abuser has slways played mr nice guy Infront of friends they find it hard to believe I suppose. That’s the thing the act so charming, kind, caring and helpful around others, ive had people say to me hes such a nice a guy or your so lucky !! And I think to myself if only they knew what goes on behind closed doors :(, ive just got to be strong now and hold it together. Im absolutely dreading Christmas time 🙁 I can’t imagine what its going to be like living under same roof and im dreading the next two weeks as we have a proper lockdown like back in March:(

[Beautifulday]

Hi @buddy @kip
Thank you both for your replies and I hope your both OK.

I was doing so good until i spoke to her 🙁 I’m actually really miffed because if my friend had told me what I had told her I would 100% be on her side, would never defend the man would always take her side.
Its almost as if sometimes these “friends ” are in bad marriages themselves (i know she is as shes told e but its not abusive ) and sometimes I feel they get jealous because they don’t have the strength the leave so try to stop you leaving? I know its a stupid thing to think but I honestly believe it!

When I said about the divorce she was like ohhhh but what about him? Does he has a support network around him ? She knows full well he has no family here mainly because he’s fallen out with them, I said no and she was like awww all feeling sorry for HIM!!!!! I was thinking to myself hang on what about me?? Thhis is thing with these men its all about THEM all the time!!!!!!!

I said back look its my decision and I know im doing the right thing , thinking she would be supportive but the complete opposite! I instantly felt immense guilt , like I shouldn’t be doing this like im a terrible person, im selfish etc .

@kip yes I’ve kept a journal for say the past 2 years and your right I read back through it last night and felt much better thought of all the horrid names hes called me, the physical things he’s done to me and I feel better.

I just don’t get some people

[Beautifulday]

Hi there
Firstly I want to say this is NOT you! You have done nothing wrong! He is vile abuser and you need to start making a plan to get from him lovely, if he’s said he could stab you? This is a threat and could be reported to the police.
You say you do the bills make him food etc basically he is treating you as his own personal slave and by the sounds of it financially abusing you too, if he’s not working and you are paying everything this is financial abuse, its a different story if he’s actively seeking work but if he’s not this is abuse and using you.

Why would anyone want to be intimate with this men? I’ve stopped being intimate with mine because I feel when you are its like rewarding a pet for bad behaviour!! You are giving them the signal that everything is ok, they can treat you like dirt speak to you like dirt then you’ll be intimate with them if you don’t want to be intimate that is completely your choice and you should never feel pressurised into doing it.

If he puts down your family and makes comments about them this is his way or controlling you, trying to warp your mind into thinking your family are bad so in the end you’ll stop seeing them and he will have isolated you this is what they do this is how they fain control.

With regards to the being nice, if abusers were horrible 100% of the time we would not stay! There is always going to be love bombing , little breadcrumbs of affection, nice holiday, little gift , cooking food etc its again all the cycle of abuse and it makes us question the reality. We think oh they cant be that bad they did this or that, or nought stuff for the home its all fake!! Its to keep you, its to mess with your head, its a drip drip effect. Hes controlling you by giving you tiny bits of affection and nice times this is what keeps you hooked.

Have you called womens aid? I would firstly do this and tell them everything your going through they are lovely and will help you make a plan going forward.
You deserve so much better than this lovely xx

[Beautifulday]

Hi @dizzyfossil
And welcome to the forum lovely to meet you.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse my H has done it all through our relationship and at first id be so upset , id be grovelling around him apologising even though I hadn’t done anything as the silence would cripple me but this is why they do it, they like watching us suffer they like making us feel anxious and upset, they like making an atmosphere! This is who they are and usually they know you’ll start talking to them or ask them what’s wrong so dont! Play him at his own game if he’s giving you silence give it to him back get on with your day, keep yourself busy I know this is easier said than done but he will realise your not playing stupid games with him.

Also just wanted to say when I discovered terms and names like you I told him and it was the worst thing as they usually then start calling you these names so beware of doing this, these men are crafty they will most likely Google the things you’ve told him to sort of get one up on you that’s what they do and thats what my H does. He’s called me an abuser hes called me a narcissist! ! They don’t like being called out and will do everything in their power to turn it around make you feel like the bad one so from now on dont tell him anything make your moves private, dony say a word of what the therapist has said or what terms or things you’ve learned otherwise he will most definitely use it against you.

With the love bombing dont be sucked in by it, I used to but not anymore. Its all the cycle of abuse they know they can abuse give silent treatment then at the end of the day go to hug you and act like nothing happened.stand your ground ive started applying the grey rock method.

Stay strong lovely you’ve made the first step by coming here so your in realisation phase, its hard and you will doubt yourself I still do but keep posting here and give womens aid a call you should have a local one and then the ball will start tolling. Take care lovely xx

[Beautifulday]

hi Kip

we have only been discussing the past 2 weeks, she’s taken a day to draft the letter it was sent to me I had to make adjustments, she is doing that today and will send it to me tomorrow. it will then get sent to my husband she is very efficient and very clued up. She knows it was abusive and I can tell she is trying to fight my corner and do everything properly. The reason we were in touch so long is because I hadn’t given her the go ahead to proceed just was getting advice etc, then I had to get all my identification together and take this to the office etc so that took a few days with covid and strict regulations not be able to just rock up etc. so she’s been very efficient so far.
yes I think I will definitely use that as a bargaining tool, if he starts acting up I will instruct for full financial disclosure.

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