Brave

[Brave]

Hi Silverbirch, so sorry to hear of your awful experiences. I read the report you mentioned, Out of the Shadows, and found a fair bit of it resonated with me too. I too am divorced after many years of abuse. My situation was different in that my ex went to church, but I did not. Unfortunately, he used his ‘faith’ to justify his abusive behaviour. It seemed that the marriage had to be saved at any cost – apparently that included my wellbeing and sanity. It’s very difficult to argue with someone who is telling you that God is telling them what to do! My belief is that the particular church he attended helped him believe that his behaviour towards me was as it should be, which is so, so wrong. I can see that this must be very difficult for some peoople to understand – I know it took me a very long time to realise what was going on. I was brought up in the Christian faith, but I did not recognise the patterns of behaviour he displayed, supposedly supported by his ‘belief’. I’m not sure if this makes sense, but I did want to respond, as your experience chimed with me.

I hope things are going well for you now. xx

[Brave]

Well done! Yes to celebrating the good days and not having to explain every penny that has been spent. 😊

[Brave]

Hello and welcome. Well done for getting out of this toxic relationship and for cutting contact. There is plenty of support for you here. It takes a while to come to terms with what has happened when we leave an abusive relationship. For now, be kind to yourself, take each day at a time and ask for support.

[Brave]

Sorry to hear that things have got worse for you, Hetty.
Have you spoken with a lawyer? Since you are married, you should be entitled to half of everything that counts as marital assets (including the house, even if it is one person’s name). I know this may not be possible at the moment, but I found speaking with a lawyer very helpful and reassuring, as I had been told (lied to) that I would get nothing if I left. It was a method of control to try to prevent me leaving (sorry to say, it worked for quite a long time). You have rights regarding the finances – I hope you can find a way to get good help and advice.
I found that keeping very quiet and not rocking the boat, not discussing my plans, was the only way I could successfully leave. If I tried to discuss any of it, all my energy was sapped away in pointless arguments which never went anywhere. I conserved my energy for me, for planning and getting my ducks in a row. I saw a counsellor who helped me gather the strength I needed. I know that different things work for different people; that’s what helped me.
I wish you well and that you can soon get away from this horrible situation.
Brave
xx

[Brave]

Yes, yes, yes to all of the above. I am being far more selective in what I say to who now, after hearing some really hurtful comments early on (unintentional, from friends and family, but still hurtful). Like many others, I did a good job (too good a job, I now see) of pretending all was well. Including to myself. So, it’s no wonder it is so difficult for friends and family who have known us both for many many years to even try to understand what was going on. I had no idea, myself, for such a long time. Just that weird feeling that all was not well and that I was really unhappy. I find meeting new people and having interesting conversations about all sorts of things much more helpful than trying to get folk I’ve known a long time to understand. These new people are interested in me and what I have to say, which is novel, refreshing and is really helping me get back on my feet. Just to say, I am also interested in them and what they have to say! Ha, normality is very lovely.
Wishing you all good Mondays and better times ahead.
Brave
xx

[Brave]

Oh Hetty, this sounds so much like what I used to hear, it’s quite spooky! Seems they read the same manual. So sorry you are still going through this. Glad to hear you are making small steps towards getting out, and conserving your strength for that instead of engaging in pointless arguments.

Keep strong, you will get there.
Take care.
Xx

[Brave]

Hi Lottieblue,
So sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. It’s so important to find support, as said above – your GP, WA, a counsellor if possible? I found that once I knew what was really going on, I stopped trying to get him to understand the problems, as he never would, and it was using up all my energy. Instead, I used it to plan to get away. Step by tiny step. In secret. Seeing a lawyer helped a lot too. It let me see I could survive, despite being told I would not (financially). Finding people to support you, who believe you, is vital to getting away.
I wish you all the very best. I read Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig too.
Take care, and please do reach out for help for yourself. Keep posting.
With love
Brave
Xx

[Brave]

Hi Anonymous and FestiveWishes, and welcome. Sorry that you find yourselves here, hope you find it helpful.
Brave
Xx

[Brave]

Hi HunkyDory
I’ve found myself in this situation recently too and understand the difficulties. I’m trying to work out the best way to handle things – I find I use different lines with different people, depending how well I know them. Writing Christmas cards this year, I told friends that we had separated – in some I also added that I am feeling happier now. Which is true, but does not give any reasons for the separation.

I too had spent a long time pretending that all was well (to myself included), so I can see how difficult it can be for friends to understand the situation. Good, old friends, however, accept us for who and what we are, I think, and that is worth its weight in gold. I am finding that meeting new people who are open and welcoming and friendly is a breath of fresh air. Mostly I keep it light and ask about them; it is good to be socialising normally with people – I don’t seek support from new people, just friendship, conversation and some laughter, which is all good. Quite often, if people want to know more, I just say “sometimes big changes have to be made…” they can take what they want from that. I do understand what you say about what people think however – a part of me really does not want him to get away with the way be behaved towards me for so long. But I probably need to let that go…

I think it’s because of being constantly told I was not good enough, in any way, that I still doubt myself, hugely. I’m working on that as I get on with putting myself back together. Trying to get to the point where I do not need any validation from outside, where what others think of me is not so important.

I wish you all the best with reconnecting with your friends.

Brave
xx

[Brave]

Thank you so much for the replies and support. I do find writing things down very helpful to get things clear in my head – which is why posting on here helps too! I like the idea of self-empowering, fizzylem. Onwards and upwards!

Brave
xx

[Brave]

Hi Lottieblue, and welcome.

I found a lot of strength, advice and help from this forum, when I was deciding to leave. It took me several attempts to get away. The first time, I told him my plans and did not have support in place. I knew I could not stay, as I was so unhappy, and that things were not right, but I did not know what I now know about emotional abuse. This time, I read a lot about this topic (others have recommended books), saw a counsellor (on my own) and spoke with WA. I needed to be sure about what I was doing and why, and all these things helped me to get away. I did not tell him my plans. I felt I should, but that was all part of having been brainwashed into telling him everything. In the end I left, leaving a letter. Yes, I’ve had grief about that from him, but it was the only way I could do it. I did, at long last, what was best for me. It felt like the only safe way to get out.

I had tried, over many many years, to make him understand me. I realise now that that was never going to happen, sadly. No matter what reasons I would give, they would be “ridiculous” or “wrong” etc. etc. i.e. he would deny having done anything wrong. It was so exhausting living like that. Even now, months after I have left, he is trying to get me to give my reasons for leaving. Like he used to get me to justify everything I did or said. No more. I have come to the conclusion he will never understand why I left, but actually, that does not matter, because what he thinks does not matter, because he does not think like a respectful, kind, normal human being.

As others have said, now it is about what is best for you.
I wish you all the very best with your plans.

Brave
xx

[Brave]

Many thanks for the advice and support. Especially the bit about the carrot cake recipe, Kilngirl, that made me laugh, which is always a good thing! (and got the point across). I’ll certainly consider getting messages filtered through a third party, that is a good idea. Always helpful to have a backup plan. It’s frustrating not to be making progress with sorting financial and legal things, because of the time of year. I’ll just have to be patient and get back to it all with renewed strength in the New Year.

Brave
xx

[Brave]

Many thanks for your replies, Kilngirl and KIP. I found it helpful to make a big long list of reasons why I left and as you say, that is enough. Best not to send it. I am still tempted to send a reply with a link to the description of emotional abuse on the Relate website though.. Which I read out to him before I left. Again, I’m guessing you will say not to even do this. I hate how all this affects me so much, when I felt I was doing well. It shows I have still a long way to go with healing. Seeing a counsellor now, which is very helpful.
Re using text only, KIP, thanks for suggesting. Email has worked fine so far, and we still have finances etc to sort out, so I think I will stick with it. Just need to gather my strength again.
Thanks again for your support.

Brave
Xx

[Brave]

Well done, dancing in the rain, for making a decision. I hope you find a good counsellor who can help you through. My OH has been seeing one since I left, apparently, but I really wonder what he has been telling her. He is playing the victim card for all it’s worth.

I am getting stronger by the day, but it will take aong time to heal. I am focusing on sorting out the practicalities and finances, not an easy task. But there is no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing in leaving. Sadly, I am realising the impact all those toxic years have had on my now adult children.

Wishing you all the best for a happier future.
Brave
X

[Brave]

I also agree – we went to couples counselling twice, with many years in between. The first time, it was suggested that I was depressed (I was, and I now know why). The second time, we went to have a last go at putting things back on track, but it resulted in me feeling everything was my fault. He did not engage in an honest way with the counsellor, I was very emotional and he managed to get her to feel sorry for him. Classic manipulation, I now realise. This year, I went to a counsellor on my own, without his knowledge. She helped me see things as they really were and I finally managed to leave, with the strength she helped me to find. For me, it was vital to get it straight in my head, what was actually going on. It will take a long to recover and retrain my brain.
As others have said, I don’t think it is possible to get the “abuse out in the open” – I tried confronting him with it and all I got back was shedloads of denial. And more abuse.
I wish you the very best of luck.
xx

[Brave]

Hi Cornflower
Welcome to the forum. It does take a huge amount of courage to leave. I know that, as I have only just left and it took me a long time and several attempts to do it. I didn’t succeed before, I realise now, because I did not seek out the right kind of support. This time, I saw my GP, a counsellor several times, and asked WA and a homeless charity who provide emotional support for for abused women for advice. I also met with a lawyer. Professional advice and help is so important. I am finding that now, even more so now that I have left. Friends and family mean well, but they do not really understand (in fact they really have no idea)what we have been through. I find that some conversations with family make me feel worse, so am considering not talking to them about any of it,. at least for now.

So, I wish you all the very best with building up your courage to leave. None of us deserves to be treated in this way. I decided I had to save myself, and the only way I could manage was to put have a support system in place. It is very early days for me, but I know for sure I have done the right thing. I know I still need support, so called WA yesterday and also made a counselling appointment. I would urge you to ask for help. I did not do that for far too long, but am so glad I finally did.
Take care
With love
Brave

[Brave]

Hi AlwaysSorry
Thanks so much for your reply.
I tried to post several times this evening, but he kept appearing and I had to stop. He seems to have realised that something is going on, and suggested going to couples counselling again.. we have been before and it was not helpful – I realise now why. He manipulated the sessions, so I sat and cried and came across as a mess and it looked like he was having such a hard time putting up with me.
I had mentioned emotional abuse to him recently – so I said the only way he could improve things is for him to see someone on his own and get help with his behaviour. He seems to have found someone and plans to go this week… I knew it was probably not a good idea to talk to him about it. It is all too little, too late,band even if he does go to see someone, I have no idea if he will take on board what he has done. He was trying to make excuses of stress and maybe he needs help with anger managemen
t.
I can sense him worming his way back into my head and I just do not want to let that happen. He just wants us to stay together, so he says. But actually, he never asks me what I want. And that in itself tells me a lot, now that I have noticed.

I have been seeing a counsellor, who has been really helpful. Saw my GP initially. Although I was not aware what was really happening when I saw her. Not contacted WA directly re leaving, thanks for advice, will contact I think. Did ask them for some related advice.
Glad you like my name, it is really self-talk!
X

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