Canon

[Canon]

Hi everyone, well you were all right. He decided to apologize to me for ignoring me the last couple of days. He acknowledged and admitted that he basically cut me off and explained why. It turns out he is still in love with his ex and wants to try and get back with her and can’t stop thinking about her all the time.
I had no idea that that was how he was feeling, and as much as it wasn’t wanted I wanted to hear I’m glad he told me and I’ve now called it a day.
Turns out he was round hers the other day babysitting for her when he had been ignoring me.

I feel like a complete idiot tbh for getting my hopes up that I’d finally met someone nice – especially as I hadn’t been looking for it and have been happy on my own. I’m feeling a mixture of emotions right now tbh. We will stay as friends, but nothing more. Feel a bit p****d off as I’ve been used as a rebound, but what’s done is done. Not going to dwell on it, but will learn from it.
I did set my boundaries too low by making excuses for him, should’ve followed my gut – I knew something wasn’t right but really wanted to be wrong. Won’t be making that mistake again.
I’m totally done with dating now. Don’t think I can do it again. How many times do I keep putting myself through this crap 😤

[Canon]

Hi, thanks for your replies. I completely get what you’re saying and part of me has thought about walking away. I want to give things a little bit longer to see how it goes. He is very different to my last two relationships. My ex husband was very controlling and verbally abusive, and my last partner was a (detail removed by Moderator) – worst experience I’d ever gone through which is why I stayed on my own for so long now. I remember last time being completely swept off my feet and ‘love bombed’ from day 1. I now know that was a major red flag (along with many others that I missed).
I’ve learnt a lot from the past and done a lot of healing, but dating again has brought up a lot of old wounds that maybe haven’t healed fully yet. It’s made me realise I don’t have the confidence I thought I did. I have more than I was left with after the last relationship but I’m realising that I still have a way to go.

The guy I’m dating now is so different. He’s genuinely a really sweet guy and doesn’t seem to have a bad bone in his body. I think he genuinely gets side tracked and just forgets to reply sometimes. I don’t think it’s malicious in any way and we’ve been taking things really slowly which will hopefully help me to have more time to work out where this is going and really get to know him properly.
I know he is a bit nervous when he’s on his own with me and is worried that I might not have the same feelings towards him as he does me. I suspect he’s been hurt in the past and possibly experienced some abuse himself -he hasn’t really opened up about it yet but a couple of things he said about his past relationship made me wonder tbh. He doesn’t have a bad word to say about his ex though which is a good sign in the way of him hopefully not being a complete a******e like the others were.

I’m hoping that as he gets to know me better, he will see that I accept him completely as he is and wouldn’t want to change anything about him (ok, well the communication being a bit better could help me out but hopefully we can work on that!).

I don’t want to put too much detail about him on here because I don’t want to identify myself (or him), but I do think there’s genuine reasons why he forgets and I keep reminding myself of that, im just battling with my own self confidence too I guess.

I don’t want to just quickly rush in to walking away, just as I don’t want to rush the relationship. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone and our paths ended up crossing and we are where we are at the moment. Just want to see where it goes, if it’s meant to be it’ll work out, if not then it won’t.
I know one thing for definite – any sign of him being like my last two relationships and I’ll be gone!

[Canon]

Thanks everyone, I am waiting to see a therapist again. As much as I thought
I was ready for dating, the whole experience has set me back a bit and I ended up feeling pretty low 🙁 The ptsd is really hard to cope with – especially when the symptoms had been so settled for so long! I’m looking to move completely away from this area near to where a relative of mine is and just have a completely fresh start. There’s too many bad memories here – not just of the ex but other past abuse from when I was a child. Even my gp suggested moving away so I can heal somewhere without all the constant reminders around me!
Just taking a day at a time at the mo. But remaining hopeful that life is going to work out well in the end! x

[Canon]

Hi thanks both of you. I have talked more to my son about what he said and how he is feeling. I told him I totally get it, but that I am not responsible for what that man did. He knows I will always do my absolute best to keep him safe and we went through lots of examples of when he has seen me do this!
I asked him who he thinks is really responsible for what my ex did and he said he blames himself because he had thought he was ok at the start. So I then asked him if he thought it is also his little sisters fault or his older brothers – as they didn’t realise to begin with either – he said no! So I said if it can’t be their fault, and it’s not my fault for the same reasons, the how could it possibly be his? I explained that the only person responsible was that man! We can only control our own behaviour and our own actions – it’s not possible to be responsible for someone else’s.
He seemed to get it and accept it, and his behaviour has been a lot better since we had that talk.
I’m just trying to build him up as much as possible and let him know how proud I am of him because he’s such an amazing, kind little boy. A boy whose been through stuff he shouldn’t have – but a boy who really is a caring young man x

[Canon]

Thanks, he is under camhs but refuses to see them:( yet he’s struggling so much.

[Canon]

Thanks, believe me I was very tempted to not say anything about the letter so that he’d miss the appointment! It’s only because I’m struggling so much and the letter has been a massive trigger that I ended up telling the social worker about it, she’s really lovely and easy to talk to, and there was no point me trying to pretend I was ok – she could see I wasnt!

She suggested I contact the police about him sending the letter here as she thinks it’s a deliberate attempt to harrass me. I don’t know if I should or not? He has been told by them not to contact me. I’m seriously considering an injunction but don’t know if I’d be granted one as it’s been a few years since I left him.

[Canon]

Thanks, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do – keep it simple and try and enjoy life! It’s really tough atm with the ptsd having been triggered badly again. This last week has been horrific!
Won’t write off a decent, living relationship if it comes along, but for now, I’ve decided I’m not looking anymore.. need to get on top of my mental health again and back to a better place x

[Canon]

Hi thanks for the replies, I managed to get a telephone appointment with my gp and she’s adjusting my antidepressants and seeing me next week now, pretty sure the ptsd has been triggered off again & im trying my best to manage it as much as possible but it’s really hard 🙁

Today has been the first day in ages where I felt a little more settled, feeling really low but wasn’t on edge as much today, but regardless of what I’ve been doing – his face keeps coming in my head, memories of the hell he put us through, follows by horrific memories of other traumas from when I was younger.
Just trying to get through a day at a time atm, I hate that man for what he did to me and my kids, and knowing he’s carried on and done it over & over to someone else makes me feel sick and so angry!

I just feel like such a mess at the moment, my life was in such a good place, it took me a long time to work through so much that I’ve been through, my children have been making amazing progress – one of them in particular has really struggled due to the abuse from my ex and I cany express how much it’s filled my world with joy to see him starting to flourish again, we all still have a long way to go and I know we will get there. I just feel like mentally and emotionally I’ve taken such a massive step backwards again, to suddenly have all of this back in my head, having to avoid so many things – songs on the radio, tv, certain places & people etc to minimise the amount of flashbacks – but even with doing that they’re still there 🙁

[Canon]

The police loaded with my landlord to have my locks changed and added extra security locks to all my windows just in case he tried to come back. I had to keep my door locked at all times -he hasn’t been back. Tbh I hoped that he would be sensible enough not to because that day that I stood up to him shocked him I think! I think he never ever thought I’d have the strength to do it because he had really broken me down. But he made he hugest mistake he could and started on my kids – do thay was it, I locked him out the back when he’s gone out there, rang the police and had him removed.
Won’t tell you what I did to half his stuff 😉
I kind of went a bit crazy tbh when he kept messaging me and gaslighting – part of me wishes I hadn’t now as it’s probably made me look like a ‘psycho ex’ (which is what all of his ex’s are called!), but the one thing I think it did achieve was sending the him the message that he was to never ever come near me or his kids again.

I didn’t have a shovel by my door but there was a golf club that happened to be there just in case! 😬

[Canon]

My ex did this, probably tried to convince her to have a baby with him too (hopefully she said no!), he did all the things to sweep her off her feet that he had done to me and all those before me.
She’s managed to put up with him a bit longer than I did – but it came to an end thank god, she’s now got out and he’s due in court for assaulting her (for the 3rd/4th time).

I just hope she has the strength and support to stay away from him now.

I hate hearing when he’s got someone new because I know what he’s like, he vile and a prolific abuser. I just wish other women could see that and run a mile – but we know how good they are at sweeping us off our feet at the start. But the mask will slip – it always does x

[Canon]

Thanks, I did do that with a lot of things initially, and it did stop the post. It’s been nearly (detail removed by moderator)yrs since I got rid of him, the odd letter here or there – probably marketing stuff or whatever I can understand. But I’ve also had one from a finance company (same one he took finance out on just after I got rid of him), I’ve then had a bailiff at my door last year because he had missed payments – told them he didn’t live here, gave them police ref etc for when I’d had him removed, gave them his new address etc… didn’t hear from them but now keep getting letters here from the finance company again, as I’ve rang them before I’ve just been sending the letters back now.

It had pretty much settled down until I saw him not long ago – then all of sudden more letters coming here again. Could be a coincidence but to have a probabtion appointment letter come here?? I’ve spoken with social worker today, she says is harrassment and is contacting probabtion for me as she says he must have given me address recently due to only recently having them involved again.

I’m looking to hopefully move -that way I can have a fresh start where he’s not living up the road from me and can’t keep getting stuff sent to my house.

[Canon]

Often when you’ve experienced abuse from a young age, you’re much more susceptible to it as an adult.

My advice would be to seek counselling, learn to understand how what you’ve been through has shaped you as a person.
For me – I’d become a ‘people pleaser’ – would do anything for anyone and always wanted to help people.
I’ve learned this made me a prime target for abusers – I could be easily manipulated with the sobs stories and before I knew it I’d be doing pretty much everything I was told to do.
My past abuse had also left me vulnerable – I wanted to feel loved, I felt I needed someone to validate my self worth.. again, this made me a prime target! Because they could manipulate me easily by making me feel amazing! They would use that throughout the whole relationship in between making me feel so low & worthless.

It was tough doing counselling, I couldn’t finish it because I developed ptsd, but I learnt a lot about myself in that short time, it’s helped me to see where I needed to change my boundaries – or in most situations actually have some boundaries!

I’m still single almost (detail removed by moderator)yrs on. I need to do more therapy and get on top of the ptsd, so not going to look for a relationship now at all as I want to be in the best place myself before I allow anyone else to be part of my life again.

Learning about the things that made me a target initially triggered a lot of self blame, but I don’t see it that way anymore. I wasn’t a target because there was anything wrong with me – I was a target because abusers knew they could take advantage of my kindness. It’s them with the issues – but we can’t change that, so instead we just have to learn to be able to manage ourselves and keep ourselves safe x

[Canon]

My mother was abusive towards us kids, physically and emotionally.

I stopped contact with her at one point as an adult, didn’t see or speak to her for years as I couldn’t take the mind games anymore and she was starting it with my kids too.
She had been through abuse herself as a kid and for a long time used that as a hit of an excuse (whilst carrying on with the same behaviours!).

I refused contact with her in the hope that if she cared, she would be able to see the damage she had done, acknowledge it and learn to deal with her own issues in a better, healthier way. She did go and do a lot of therapy and it has made a difference.

We do have a fairly good relationship now, I still cant bring anything up with her as in asking questions that I’d like answers to because I’ve had to accept I’ll never get them from her.

After I had been through two abusive relationships o did some counselling, it involved exploring my childhood. Recognising the abuse I went through as a child helped to understand how I had become so vulnerable as an adult. It helped me to learn new boundaries and accept the things I can’t change.

If I was to confront my mum about any of the behaviours
she still has (not as many thank god!) – she just turns it back on me to try and make me feel bad so that I won’t push it any further. That sort of thing was exactly the same as some of what both my ex’s did to me.. abusers tend to all follow the same sort of patterns regardless of the circumstances / relationship x

[Canon]

Thanks. I’ll be ok. Just annoyed with myself for being a mug (that’s how I’m feeling anyway).
It’s hard because I’ve done so much healing and guess I didn’t want to believe that something was wrong. But looking back at my original post etc I now know I still have a long way to go. Boundaries need to be a lot higher in future!

[Canon]

I completely agree with everything you’ve said – especially about the kids! Once we’re out of the relationship the professionals see it as that we’o ok now, but it’s so far from it! Not only does it take us a long time to recover and rebuild ourselves, but it’s also huge for our kids! Two out of four of mine are treated
completely different to the other two – despite all having the same dad. But they’ve stood up to him before which didn’t go down well. He narrowly avoided a police caution and just got a warning from social care. Yet years on, the mental and emotional damage that he’s caused the kids has been huge! But services don’t seem to be bothered about that, they just seem to think we’re exaggerating – until it’s too late! They finally realise when our kids are self harming and suffering with mental health and behavioural difficulties. Only THEN do they acknowledge what our kids have continued to go through, yet when you asked for help all those years ago to prevent this, they weren’t interested 😡😢

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