Courage

[Courage]

Thank you all for each of the replies. They were so insightful and really helped.

After the previous arrest he (detail removed by Moderator). yet he’s broken it every day since and it’s got worse and worse.

Finally arrested (detail removed by Moderator) (after a lot of police failings)

I can’t stop crying. Why did he have to do this to himself? He’s ruined his life.

He had so many chances to stop.

And I’m sad because I love him. I wanted to be with him but he made it impossible.

The stalking and harassment has just been the worst of all abuse I’ve ever suffered.

Eurgh

[Courage]

Thanks all, spent ages on the phone to the police last night going through it all. He also used to do this thing where he would rub himself sexually on me and I would always tell him to stop or that I hated it and he would just laugh at me and tell me I liked it really. This would happen frequently and I really hated it. So that, the times I felt I couldn’t say no, when he hit me and (removed by moderator)  years of coercive control got told and PO are coming to get a full statement.

The police I’ve dealt with have been so supportive, really helpful and encouraging of me going for the coercive control thing as they think it’s a great bit of legislation etc etc. Overall really positive.

[Courage]

I’ve had to report a sexual assault and attempted rape before (different person) and went through it all, court etc. So I know what to expect in that respect, its just I don’t even know if my ex did anything wrong? That’s what I can’t get clear in my head

[Courage]

Big hugs, please don’t cut, you can be stronger than that.

Honestly having thoughts about being with a woman is NORMAL. So so so so common I cannot even describe. I’ve had it, I’ve experimented…would you say I deserve to be beaten and raped because of it? Of course I don’t.

Be kind to yourself, imagine your best friend came to you and told you what you’ve written in this thread, what would you say to her? That’s the voice we have to listen to, not his, not our own that’s been tainted by his words but the one we would say to others in the same situation, that’s where our rational, compassionate selves are

[Courage]

Oh and I also found victim support helpful, they’ve actioned a lot of help and support for me

[Courage]

Do contact your local DV place as they can help. Mine is assigning me a case worker and I’m going to a peer support group too. If they don’t understand DV then it can actually be unhelpful imo.

Also call WA, I call them quite often, just to talk things through and like you I find saying it out loud does help.

[Courage]

Oh my god, I had never heard of plausable deniability before. That is my ex all over!! The amount of times I’ve nearly called the police and he’s just pulled it back. I got a threatening email from him and said as such in a statement to the court, in his response statement he screen shot it and said ‘I wasn’t threatening anything look, she’s crazy’ and I realised you could read it and it seem reasonable. Such crazy making behaviour, I hate it so much, dreading his next statement

[Courage]

Rainbows you could be able to get a non-molestation order and an occupation order on the house. He wouldn’t be allowed to contact or harass you and you and the kids would get the house and he would have to keep paying. Speak to WA and ask them to recommend a local solicitor who deals with DV and go get a free initial appointment x

[Courage]

Sending so much love, echo everything the others have said. Feel all those feelings but keep on living, you can move on from this, I promise x

[Courage]

I’m weighing this up at the moment. Ex lives just round the corner and knows my daily movements. But all my family and support network are here and I would have to up root the kids. I would hate to move but like you feel hyper vigilant all the time and its exhausting!

[Courage]

So after posting this thread I thought I would call 101 and just ask about it. They sent two police officers out within a few hours to check I was ok, even though I have a (detail removed by Moderator) in place, they’ve expanded that order informally and they are going to take a full statement next week when they come to take one about my ex (detail removed by Moderator). So over all I found them to be quite positive, such a shame thats not everyones experience though. 🙁

Def keep records of everything you can and hopefully it will help us in our fights for safety.

Mind you I did have one v.insensitive lady on 101 the other day who when I said I was worried my order wouldn’t protect me and replied with ‘why what you scared of?’ in a really sarcastic tone….I hung up on her and called back later and spoke to someone else!

But do you know who have been great…victim support! I rang them trying to get hold of my local IDVA, was on the phone for 1.5 hours and then in two days had looooads of calls from pretty much every support agency going. Definitely recommend it if you haven’t already x

[Courage]

They will recommend a contact centre. You can self refer if you are both agreeable. If he’s not he can apply through the courts for one. I recommend the rights of women, child arrangements and DV booklet

[Courage]

*reeling not feeling

[Courage]

Yeah am ok. Edited it down a bit but kept the bulk of it in. Spoke informally to a solicitor who said if my points were relevant then it was ok.

I worked so hard on it and had only a short time to do it though that I didn’t process any emotions that went with it and feel like I’m feeling a bit now. Have had to stop myself from reading it over and over.

Now the anxious wait begins to see what he files in return :-/

[Courage]

Argh at the last court appearance I used a (detail removed by Moderator) who was beneficial and the cheaper option. However I don’t think he appreciates the seriousness of my case. (Been deemed high risk) I wrote a long statement which probably was a bit waffly and could be condensed. But he responded and said I didn’t need to detail every time he had shouted at me (I had far from done that, it would be 1000 pages long in that case….) but said I should just put ‘he would regularly shout at me’. But I just don’t feel that carries the same weight as when it’s put in to context. Some of them are just awful days and really show how willing he is to hurt me. I’m seriously pushed for time though. Stress stress stress

[Courage]

Thanks all.

I’m not entitled to legal aid so am self funding which limits me and I used a (detail removed by Moderator) last time who is kindly going to look over my statement for me.

I’ve so far got my call log from WA, a letter from my dr (detail removed by Moderator) and my therapist (detail removed by Moderator) is writing one and I’m trying to get notes from when I was in refuge because of his behaviour. Also spoke to WA and victim support yesterday and mentioned a time when I called 999, the police took no further action but both people I spoke to were shocked by this. So I spoke to 101 today who were also shocked so the investigating officer is calling me later. (detail removed by Moderator) Can anyone think of any other supporting evidence?

I’m really determined to keep the (detail removed by Moderator) in place but I really want to protect my kids too. I do not want him having unsupervised access. He does not provide a safe, loving and respectful environment for them.

I feel like I am on a mission though. This is my chance.

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